Mom shaming. Gotta love it... One minute everyone's all getting along and basking in the glory of motherhood — the bond that unites all women. The next, they're ripping each other to shreds and throwing out shady remarks to skate past the point of getting a beat down while still insulting another mother. Why do women do it? Mostly, insecurity.

Hey, being a mom is tough. You have to make some of the hardest and most important decisions in your life that will serve to shape the little person you are raising. If you do it wrong, everyone will know you’re the reason your child turned out like crap. You will have failed. You won’t measure up. You won’t be equal to your peers anymore.

Why the need to look down upon one another in advance of this though? Because, if we’re to commit ourselves to the way we are raising our kids as the right way, then everyone who parents in a different manner must be wrong. Sometimes, this is actually true. There are black and white issues that can’t have it both ways, but there’s a gray area for a lot of them, and we aren’t letting moms off the hook very easily for taking advantage of that.

Why are we so hard pressed to be top dog? Why do we need to be the leader of the pack? The know-it-all? The one with all the answers whose friends look up to and praise her? Well, motherhood can also feel pretty damn empty at times, and when we don’t have enough going on to fulfill us in our own lives — not that we’re going to admit our babies aren’t always enough — we sometimes look for that fulfillment elsewhere. Hold on there mean girl, slow your roll. Let’s examine some of the worst ways moms today are competing, and think about how we can change it.

12 Breast Is Best

The air is thick with shame when formula feeders enter a room full of moms who nurse. Those who breastfeed want credit for their endeavor. That’s not unreasonable. They’re giving up more. The sacrifice is certainly more taxing when breastfeeding than formula feeding when it comes to personal space and the mother’s freedom.

Still, there’s a flipside with formula. It costs a heck of a lot more. Furthermore, not everyone who uses formula wishes to do so. Rarely, about 2 percent of mothers physically cannot breastfeed. Those moms need other options. Fortunately, they have them. Breastfeeding moms can take a step back and instead of shaming a mother for choosing formula, ask her why she did. Then aim to inform rather than look down upon.

Educate formula feeding mothers on the benefits of breastmilk. Whether they’ve chosen not to breastfeed or they actually couldn’t, donor milk is a fabulous resource that many aren’t using simply because they don’t know it exists. Second in line are more superior formulas, like Holle, which is made from goat’s milk. No one is arguing that breast is best, but there’s a right way and a wrong way to help guide another mother and the message can get lost in delivery.

11 Being A Mom Is Not A Job

No one said being a mother was going to be easy. Apparently, a lot of people think the reward for motherhood is natural. They don’t think any additional compensation is necessary. Ha! That’s because they can’t afford us! Salary wizards estimate that a stay at home mother’s income, if she were paid for all she does, would tally somewhere close to $143,000.

That’s right. Mom’s don’t just clean up boo-boo’s and calm nerves before tests. They are counselors and medics, sure, but they are also housekeepers, launderers, chefs, chauffeurs, teachers, accountants, landscapers, academic advisors, wet nurses and more. They do many jobs in the matter of 24 hours. Yes, 24 hours. They don’t get time off. They are constantly on call.

In contrast, the working mother made an average of $90,000 in 2016. So, comparably, stay at home moms are actually putting in more work than moms who go to work, if we’re basing everything off of compensation potential. Next time you think you need to justify the fact that you leave your child at daycare so you can contribute to your family, think about the myriad of ways a SAHM is contributing that you aren’t.

10 Money, Honey

Keeping up with the Joneses has never been so important. When we turn on the television these days, our reality TV shows are depicting lives that aren’t so realistic, except when it comes to money that is. Everyone is fighting for it. We all want more of it. We see real housewives competing with one another over whose plastic surgeon costs more and whose husband’s net worth is higher. Money, the root of insecurity.

Ironic, isn’t it? The one that brings us security in our lives as far as paying the bills and having a roof over our heads goes is the same thing that leaves us feeling like we’re not enough. So much so that we have to put others down for their clothing, cars, homes, and whether or not they shop at Walmart. Don’t act like you’ve never referenced the people of Walmart.

It’s unfair, because truthfully, poverty can happen to anyone. It’s not a measure of who you are. It’s a measure of where you’ve been. It’s not even a very good predictor of where you will go these days. But in the moment, when you have more dough in the bank than the mom next to you, it can feel good to flaunt it. It bolsters our egos to make it known that we have more of this hot commodity. The question is, why do you feel like you need to bolster your ego?

9 Birthing Babies

Since the beginning of time, women have been sharing their birth stories with one another. It’s communal. It’s primal. We want to open up to each other. We want to revel in that sisterhood of birthing that unites us all. It’s a beautiful thing. Childbirth is amazing, but it has certainly changed. So much so that we now have terms like birth trauma.

Some mothers would say birth trauma is nothing more than a term used to describe the birth experiences of women who didn’t get what they wanted. That’s far from the truth, and down-right rude. Others claim they think mothers who choose epidurals and narcotic pain relievers failed to research the side effects of those drugs and caved into their own weaknesses from pain during birth instead of riding out the storm for the sake of their children. Those moms would argue back that natural childbirth doesn’t get you a medal.

At the end of the day, we’re all doing the best we can with the information that we have at the time. If we were all completely informed throughout our lives, there would certainly be fewer medicated births and birth traumas. Likewise, if we were all completely informed all the time, we wouldn’t need one another to inform us. Get it? Don’t shame. Don’t discriminate. Educate.

8 Bouncing Back

Our society has placed such great demands on females. We are expected to raise children like June Cleaver and make love like Jenna Jamison. We can’t do either unless we’re in tip top shape. So, we are pushed to hurry things along after we give birth. Get back into shape. Keep the household running smoothly. Where is the time for mom to rest and recoup? Not just from birth, but from nine months of nourishing and caring for another life. Pregnancy depletes mothers of so much vital nutrition, and that depletion can often lead to postpartum mood disorders, like PPD.

If we were really interested in taking care of our sisters, we wouldn’t be flaunting it when we manage to bounce back after ten days. We wouldn’t be posting bikini pictures with our one-month old on Facebook alongside #fitmomma. Instead, we would be aiming to inspire other mothers to take care of themselves. If weight loss and a trim waist are a side effect of that, great. If they aren’t, let’s maintain our focus on making sure the mother’s sanity and emotional wellbeing are intact. Hint: skinny mom brelfies don’t necessarily help.

7 Developmental Strides

In this day and age, virtually every mother belongs to some kind of playgroup or Facebook group. This is a good thing. It’s positive to stay involved with other mothers and help your kids build relationships with peers from a young age. However, it also makes it far too easy to obsess over what other children are doing that your child may not be, and vice versa.

Picture it. Two moms on the playground with their 18-month old’s. One is saying roughly 20 words, climbing and carrying on. The other is more timid. He prefers to play alone it seems. He barely says mama and dada still. So, mom A takes it upon herself to ask mom B if she’s talked to her child’s doctor about developmental delays, pointing out that he should have met certain milestones by now.

This is not helping. If mom B asks you for advice, offer away. If not, remember you are not a developmental pediatrician and that your child is not setting the bar for standards which all other children should never fall short of. In other words, shut up. That kind of advice is not making any mother feel closer to you or like a good mom.

6 Single Ladies

This is probably the root of all mom battles. For some reason, women who have a man by their side have this innate feeling that they are better than those who don’t. I’d beg to differ. Let’s cut the crap. While there are plenty of happy families out there, none are set in stone. No, not even the married couples. Divorce happens. You have no idea what lies ahead for your relationship, and you may not want to tempt fate by pretending that you do.

Single mothers deserve praise, not to be snubbed. They are doing your job and his. They aren’t all sitting around alone and wishing they had your life. Many of them once did and they walked away from it gladly. They are happy to be without the dead weight of the wrong relationship that they were in. Many coupled women can’t say they have the courage to do the same.

We should not be comparing ourselves based on relationship status. While it’s a beautiful and natural thing to feel joyous that you have the man of your dreams to share this journey with, understand that some women don’t, and that’s okay, too. They aren’t less than you. They are twice the parent. It’s all about perspective.

5 Extracurricular Nonsense

This one hits home for me. I’ve had people inquire a time or two about activities my children are — or rather, are not — involved in. I knew a long time ago that I was never going to be that parent. You know, the one with commitments to football practice five nights a week and a game every Saturday. That just wasn’t for me and those weren’t the kids I wanted to raise.

Instead, I found it was most important for us to focus on one thing at a time. My son is not particularly interested in sports, though he’s dabbled in soccer and baseball. He prefers to attend boy scouts year-round. My daughter is far more interested in music and band. So, we encourage them to pursue those things.

There are academics to consider which should always take priority — and we do that even as homeschoolers. There is family time to consider, which is also more important to us than football games. Furthermore, we value family dinners — especially home-cooked meals versus fast food on the way to practice because no one has time to eat.

For us, this is the right choice. For someone else, they may not care about these things. They may value football scholarships more. Whatever the reason, I’ve never felt the need to argue with anyone about their choices, but I find it unbelievable how many people have argued with mine. What’s the point? Are they raising my kids? Are they possibly as invested in their lives as I am? I think not. Knowing this, I would never presume to know what is best for another family.

4 Mom And A Teacher

Speaking of homeschooling, there is no shortage of shaming going on there. It irks me on a deeper level, because I homeschool my kids. Still, there are a lot of my peers who do the same and they think they’re holier than thou because of it. They give the rest of us a bad name, and it disappoints me.

Yes, there are a ton of problems with public schools. Some of them aren’t safe. Some will predispose your children to sex and drugs by the time they leave middle school. There will be mean girls. There will be guys who pick fights. There will be that one teacher who just doesn’t seem to like your child. There will be common core and administrative issues that leave you feeling like your child is still being left behind.

Regardless of all of that, we must admit that not every parent can homeschool. Our economy and society are not the same as they once were. We can hardly expect every household to go back to having a stay at home parent. For goodness sake, many of our households don’t even have two parents.

On the flipside, there is plenty of shame toward homeschoolers, too. Many parents of school-aged children assume we are crunchy, overtly religious, or otherwise think we’re above the ways of public school. We want to rewrite the curriculum to suit what we think our kids should learn. For some of us, that’s true. Personally, I want my children to learn about all religions, not just Christianity and whatever glimpse of Judaism reviewing the Holocaust gives them. I want them to learn about the real history of America, not just the parts we are proud of. That’s why I homeschool.

3 No Fun Allowed

Believe it or not, there are some mothers out there who strongly believe that once you have kids, your days of acting like one yourself are over. To the contrary, there are mothers who are acting a little too much like children. Somewhere in the middle is where most of us lie. We’re in that gray area. We don’t care to get wasted in front of our kids, but we’re cool with taking a night off now and then to let our hair down and go dancing with our girlfriends.

Enter, the sanctimommy. They don’t have time for this foolishness. What would your child think if they saw you dancing on a bar top like that? Well, they won’t, and by the time they’re old enough for you to tell them about it, hopefully you’ll have reared them into adults who understand that parenthood is tough and sometimes mom needs mom time.

Just because you became a mother doesn’t mean you have to lay down and die. Drink shots with your friends (sparingly). Have wild sex (as often as possible). Dress however you feel comfortable, even if your boobs offend your neighbor. Being a mother does not mean you never get to have fun again. Anyone who tries to shame you into thinking otherwise is really boring.

2 Nursing Goals

We’re clear on breast being best, but there is a very murky area that moms live in regarding just how long we should breastfeed. The answer is surprisingly simple. You should breastfeed for however long your baby wants to. Or however long you want to, should you choose to wean before they self-wean.

Moms who breastfeed longer aren’t any better than those who don’t. Likewise, those who stop after six months don’t need to be chastised for their choice, either. It’s a very personal thing, breastfeeding. It’s not for everyone. Maybe it was once upon a time, but today we have options, and it can be difficult for a mother who is a survivor of sexual abuse and struggled to nurse at all without reliving trauma that she didn’t try hard enough. Remember, you never know what someone else has gone through to get to where they are today.

1 Going Natural

Breastfeeding is about as natural as some moms get. They nurse while eating McDonald’s. Who cares? As long as that meal isn’t affecting you and yours, move along. Unfortunately, the bulk of the shaming where things like organic food and vaccines are concerned today isn’t coming from the moms who eat clean and don’t do shots. Instead, it’s the other camp. It’s the pro-vax parents who are wielding their excuses as insults.

Instead of justifying with credible science why they are vaccinating, they attack those who aren’t. Who does that help? Who’s getting informed? Where are we going from here if this is the approach? Instead, why not try to school someone on the reasons you feel eating organic isn’t necessary for you.

Furthermore, understand that may people now have allergies and other contraindications that prevent pesticides, GMOs and vaccine adjuvants from being safe for them. We aren’t all created equal. Still, it wouldn’t hurt anyone to act like it. Let’s all climb down off our high horses and try a little harder today to be a friend, a mother, a sister.

Sources: Parenting.com, Salary.com