It’s easy for an expectant mother to envision her life after baby as a return to somewhat normal, just with a child in tow. We’re fed images of new moms who look like they were never pregnant and who have their children dressed in clean, cute clothes.
Social media makes it possible for moms to present the best looking parts of their lives without any of the pesky facts about how difficult it is to recover from giving birth or having a C-section.
The current culture doesn’t leave room for women who want to rest and recover while bonding with their child. If a mom wants that set up, she has to fight for it and risk feeling weak against all the other moms who hit the ground running the minute they leave the hospital.
Moms fear being judged or ridiculed if it takes them longer to get back to whatever the new normal is, and that means women can drive themselves crazy trying to keep up with someone else’s expectations.
Many moms aren’t even sure what bouncing back should look like after a baby is born. If they only look at what society considers normal, they will be misled into thinking that parenting is fairly easy and can be done while still having a clean house, sleeping well, and breastfeeding on demand.
The truth is, new moms have to choose what they want the most and prioritize because having a baby changes absolutely every area of a mom’s former life.
Ladies, the truth is we’re not basketballs, we’re humans, and we don’t have to bounce back from anything. Instead of trying to go back to the way things were quickly, it’s best to set realistic expectations and move forward wisely. There are many areas where moms should forget bouncing back and simply enjoy the ride.
15 Chest Expectations
Pregnancy breasts are awesome for the most part. Buoyant and noticeable, they are gearing up to provide a load of milk to a very hungry child. If this is what pregnancy does for boobs, breastfeeding boobs must be even more amazing, right?
Not so much. When a mom’s milk is coming in, the pain experienced by some women is only second to actually giving birth. Added to the pain is a tiny hungry person gnawing on the nipples, which just makes the entire process a bit more difficult.
As far as how milk boobs differ in appearance to pregnancy boobs, it’s more about proportions. Moms may find that they feel lopsided all the time since one boob will inflate with milk and leave the other behind. Breastfeeding breasts also leak milk whenever they feel like it, so mom spends her day feeling a bit soggy and hoping the milk doesn’t squirt out the side of her bra.
It can take a while to come to terms with this new set of breasts, but eventually it will happen. Of course then it will be time to wean and they will deflate like popped balloons.
14 Baby Weight
It stands to reason that when a person comes out of your body you should lose a few pounds and feel a bit more like yourself again. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case right after labor, or even months or years after labor.
Baby weight is not an accurate name for what happens to our bodies while carrying a child. The weight we gain does not disappear when the baby arrives, and that’s okay. Even if we lose weight, stretch marks stay behind, and we may find our skin to be loose in a way it never was before.
Instead of focusing on these changes, which are actually beautiful because of what they symbolize but can be hard to deal with living in a Barbie doll society, focus on health. Eat well, rest, and participate in physical activity to build endurance and help mentally. Don’t give the scale the upper hand in this game. It’s fine to be a mom who looks like she has given birth. That’s actually normal.
13 Comfortable Sleep
The third trimester sleep situation is intense. Women use body pillows to try to help them find comfortable positions, but it’s almost impossible to sleep comfortably those last three months. The only silver lining is the thought of how great it will be to sleep when pregnancy is over.
Unfortunately, delivering the baby does not guarantee a mom will be able to go back to sleeping comfortably. In fact, babies are some of the hardest people ever to sleep around. Even without a child screaming at night, most moms are still very sore after giving birth. Women who were looking forward to sleeping on their stomachs will find that their breasts will not allow this. Milk filling up the breasts means that sleeping on them can cause mastitis, an uncomfortable infection that causes fever and sore breasts.
The sleep situation will get better, but not immediately. It takes healing and time for sleep to be truly blissful again.
12 Love/Hate Sibling Relationships
When parents choose to have more than one child, they do it with the hope that their children will get along and be a source of love and support for each other throughout life. That may happen one day, but in the beginning, sibling relationships usually look more like battle than friendship.
The initial excitement over a new baby in the house fades as the feelings of jealousy start. Now that mom is spending time with the baby and taking time away from the older sibling, the older sibling will act out to get attention. This does not make it easy for a new mom who is already trying to juggle the multiple needs of all of her children.
One way to handle this situation is to try to spend one-on-one time with the older child when there is someone else around to look after the baby. It’s also a good idea to get older siblings involved with helping with the baby. They can retrieve diapers or locate special toys for the baby.
If none of this works, don’t despair. Sibling bonds are built over time, and you’re not failing as a mom if they get off to a rough start.
11 Birth Story Trauma
When women join the mommy club, they also join the birth story club. In those early days whenever someone sees mom with a baby, they will sometimes ask what the delivery was like. For the mom who had just what she hoped for, be it a natural birth, an epidural on demand, or a planned C-section, this question holds no threat.
However, for the mom who ended up with a situation she hoped to avoid, this question can be devastating.
Many moms spend the first weeks and months after giving birth recovering from their birth experience. It may have been for the safety of the mother or baby that plans had to change. It could have also been due to healthcare providers who refused to try to follow mom’s wishes for birth.
Whatever the case, it is important for new moms to understand that it’s fine to take time and recover from broken expectations. There’s no shame in talking about the disappointment of having a delivery that was not ideal. Saying these things out loud doesn’t mean moms don’t love their babies. It just means they need to mourn for what they lost so they can move on.
10 Breastfeeding Ease
Breastfeeding is described many ways. Some call breastmilk miracle food and others claim the process is so natural that it’s instinctive for mother and child to know exactly what to do. Other women who have had different experiences describe it as the most difficult natural process ever created.
New moms who want to breastfeed may fall into the group of people who think that if they want it enough it will happen. Breastfeeding doesn’t always work that way. While it’s true it is a natural process, it can also be exceptionally difficult.
Women report having problems getting the baby to latch and having breasts that are so sore that it is extremely painful when they finally do. Some moms don’t produce enough milk and have to work to increase their supply.
Seeking help from a lactation consultant is always a good idea. So is adjusting views about breastfeeding. While it is possible for most women to successfully breastfeed, it may take some work. For some moms, breastfeeding never works out, and that’s okay. Don’t let that define your parenting experience.
9 Mother Knows Best
Strangers and loved ones alike enjoy telling pregnant women that their maternal instincts will kick in as soon as baby arrives. It’s a way of assuring moms that they will know just what to do and will fall into their new role easily. The problem is, that’s not always true.
There will be moms who look like experts the first day on the job and who navigate the parenting world easily. However, most women experience doubt and fear about how to best care for their children. It’s a normal response considering the fact that being a mom means being entrusted with a tiny person whose life is all your responsibility. No pressure!
When moms feel their instincts aren’t kicking in, it’s important for them to remember that asking for help is fine. Other moms can be good sources of information, and older, mentor moms may also have advice to help mom survive those early days.
The longer a mom has children the more she will realize how much community helps in the parenting process. Sure, instincts are great, but many mothering choices are made over a good cup of coffee with friends who can help moms see the pros and cons of a situation.
8 Maternal Euphoria
The elated feeling that women expect to experience when they become a mom doesn’t always happen. That’s hard to deal with considering it’s all most moms hear about leading up to the birth of their child. As opposed to letting moms feel bad about this lack of euphoria, it’s important to look at the reasons it happens.
First of all, women who have just given birth are coming off a hormone tornado, and nothing in their minds or bodies is settled. Those hormone shifts will continue for weeks or months after delivery, so feelings are not static. Add in the fact that not everyone had a loving mother or an easy childhood, and it’s easy to see that the early days after having a child may be full of anxiety and fear of not doing a good job.
Postpartum depression affects around a quarter of moms during the first year of their child’s life. It’s nearly impossible to feel excited about anything when this occurs. Whatever the reason for a woman not feeling the maternal juices flowing, it’s important to remember that not every person has the same reaction to having a child. It doesn’t mean a mother doesn’t love her baby. It just means she’s adjusting and may need a little help along the way.
7 Back To Work
Moms go back to work after baby is born for many reasons. Some moms can’t imagine not going back to their job, and others can’t afford to stay at home with their child. Whatever the reason, women put a ton of time and effort into finding the perfect person or daycare to keep their child while they are at work.
By doing all of this prep work, they expect to be okay when maternity leave is over and it’s time to head back to the job.
It may come as a surprise on the first day of daycare drop off for moms to find that they are absolutely not prepared for this change. As much as they are looking forward to seeing their colleagues and going to work, leaving a child with someone else for the day is hard, no matter how much advanced prep has been done.
It’s normal to have these feelings, no matter how much a mom loves her job. Getting back to work after baby is a process that takes a while for most moms to master.
6 Staying Home
Moms who aren’t going back to work after delivery expect to feel excited about this life change. They will be home all day with their child observing every milestone. While staying home with a baby is a wonderful option, even moms who want to leave work for full-time stay-at-home mode will likely have some doubts during those early days.
The truth is that staying at home with an infant is exhausting. Babies constantly need, and mom is the one who is constantly giving. Plus, stay-at-home parents frequently complain about feeling isolated and overwhelmed. These complaints don’t undermine the love parents have for their children.
It’s just a reality that staying home with a child is a different kind of work that is often not praised or recognized, which can make the hard days feel even more defeating.
When a woman is overwhelmed with parenting all day, she should feel free to talk about it and seek community and help. There’s no reason to suffer alone just because some moms give the impression that staying at home with kids is the easiest, most fun activity ever offered.
5 Exercise
Classes advertise exercise programs where women can bring their babies. In fact, the babies are sometimes used as weights or strapped into strollers while mom races around burning calories. While these classes are good ideas for moms who want to work out but not be separated from baby, exercise is not always a priority for mom right after giving birth.
Carrying a child for nine months and then giving birth are a lot of work for a woman’s body. It takes a while for anything to feel normal again, and hormone levels will still be up and down for months. For some women, exercising helps them feel better. The endorphins released during exercise help calm bad emotions.
However, other moms cannot imagine trying to fit exercise into their schedule of nursing, diaper changing, and possibly working outside of the home. They are tired and just want to give their bodies time to reset.
There’s not one right way to exercise after birth, so if it takes a bit longer for some moms to start than others, that’s fine. Don’t feel guilty about it.
4 Intimacy
Intimacy during pregnancy can be amazing or non-existent. The hormones coursing through mom’s body tend to make pregnancy nookie mind blowing, but other moms may not be able to enjoy intimacy due to fears of preterm labor or other issues. Whatever the case, it’s hard for moms to know what to expect after the baby is born.
For several weeks, having relations is off the table. Mom has to heal from her vaginal delivery or C-section, and she needs to get the go ahead from her doctor before intimacy occurs. However, many women find that even after being given the green light, they still don’t want to be intimate.
The reasons are many: fear of pain, shame over the post-baby body, exhaustion. All of these reasons are normal, though rest assured dad will totally want to see the post-baby boobs! No matter what a mom’s reason for hesitating is, she should discuss it with her partner and talk about what would make her more comfortable.
There’s absolutely no need for mom to pressure herself into just getting through intimacy. With open communication and time, she can actually enjoy intimacy when it occurs.
3 Overall Health
There are two kinds of moms: those who felt awful during their pregnancy and those who felt better than they’ve ever felt in their lives. No matter which category a mom falls into, she may be surprised to find she doesn’t feel well after giving birth, even after a bit of time has passed.
The reasons for this vary, but many of these moms try to push through the emotional or physical pain and move forward so they won’t be the mom who can’t bounce back. That’s a bad idea. A mom’s thyroid may have issues after giving birth, and that needs to be dealt with for mom to feel better.
Postpartum depression is also a problem for many women, but they don’t seek treatment for fear of being judged or labeled.
If a mom feels unhealthy, mentally or physically, after having a baby, she needs to talk to her doctor. All of the hormone changes can cause a number of issues, and it’s important for mom to take care of herself during this time of transition.
2 Mommy Brain
Women joke about mommy brain all the time, blaming it for everything from losing their car keys to calling their kids the wrong name. Mommy brain causes a brain fog that makes women feel slightly off, and many complain of not feeling as mentally acute as they did before having a child.
The bad news is this feeling may not go away quickly. The good news is that researchers say it may make women better mothers. The changes taking place can make moms more sensitive to the needs of their children, which is a long-term effect that has major benefits.
Moms in the beginning of mommy brain may fear they will never pick up a book to read or finish an adult conversation without forgetting words again. That’s not true. Though women will feel the effects of the brain fog on and off, they will be able to adapt and do just as well at mentally strenuous activities as before. It just takes some getting used to.
1 The Outside World
Moms envision life after baby as days at the park or with friends having picnics. Many moms believe that strong women move right back into their everyday lives after birth, just with a baby on their hip. While this may be true for some moms, the vast majority find themselves unable or simply not wanting to rush into a packed schedule with an infant.
Babies need hours of sleep, and they eat all day and night. This doesn’t make getting out and about easy. Plus, many moms have concerns about taking babies into large crowds before they are old enough to be vaccinated. A cold that barely phases an adult can cause a very young child to develop a respiratory problem.
Many moms also just relish the time at home getting to know their child. That’s a perfectly good reason to stay in or to limit the amount of activities planned. It’s not weak to want to recover and rest before hitting the road with a child. However, if a mom feels herself getting lonely due to isolation, she should reach out to other moms to see about arranging get togethers that work for small children.
Sources: Livescience.com, NPR.org, TodaysParent.com, HuffingtonPost.com