What do you think the most common phrase spoken (or screamed) by a laboring mother is?
To whom – in your opinion- is that laboring mother talking…err, screaming?
If you think she screams, “Don’t touch me!” to her partner then you’d be spot on! Funny what we mothers turn into when we give birth. For some giggles, here are a few kinds of women we become when laboring. See if you can spot yourself…
The “Know-It-All” – This mommy dearest has been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and shrunk it in the dryer! Typically with a few deliveries under her belt, this mother knows all. From the next labor phase to what the doctor should be doing. This mom could probably delivery in a corn field and be fine.
The “Namaste Mama” – Yogi mom is very internal. She is focused on breathing, visualizing, and all that beanie-wearing hipster stuff people laugh at swearing it never works. Here’s the kicker, friends, it actually does work. This mom is taking it moment by moment, handling each one as she Pranayama’s (yoga breathing) her way through. Heck yeah it hurts, but pain is life and here comes a new one – breathe, breathe, breathe.
The “Wimp” – Do you remember the story of the gorgeous Megan Fox begging and pleading with the hospital security guard to give her an epidural as she entered the hospital to give birth. Yeah, okay…she’s a wimp. Seriously, what did you expect?
The “Queen of Hearts” – Drum roll, please! And here is the kind of mother on which our delightful post is focused. The Queen of Hearts (think Alice in Wonderland) is spouting, “Off with their head” every five seconds. She’s a laboring tyrant and we love her. SHE is what movies are made of…and BabyGaga posts. According to her there is no risk of losing the love of her friends or family during labor, so she becomes a monster and does whatever she wants.
In honor of the Queen of Hearts aka Mommy Dearest, here are 15 hilarious words moms have yelled in the delivery room. Enjoy!
15 What’s The Number For Take-Out?
Alexa was a birthing pro as this was her fourth child. Not that every birth is the same, but you just sort of get used to your body and how it rolls with the punches. So, she knew what to expect from birth number four.
David, her husband also knew what to expect from his lovely wife. Back massages at 3-6 cm. Then he helped her breathe through contractions, but didn’t touch her until pushing time. Only then was he allowed to hold one of two things: a foot or a hand.
This couple had it down to perfection!
One very important element to the whole scenario was that Alexa was going to be starving afterwards. The only problem was they missed a minor detail. Neither one arranged for dinner to be there after she’d given birth. So, during a break from pushing she hollered, “What’s the number for take-out?”
14 You’re A Dead Man!
It takes two to tango. It actually takes two to do several things in life. Creating a child being one of those things. Even if you go the sperm donor route, you still have to have the baby-making juice to complete the process.
When you do have a significant other in the delivery room with you, they rarely follow all your rules. For one couple, the support partner had his very life threatened.
Darlene and Carl were in the delivery room at last. She was hard at work breathing through contractions and sweating like a race horse. Carl was very excited, but completely hyped up and bouncing off the walls. He wanted to capture every moment.
Sadly, he made one too many camera-in-the-face attempts and nearly lost his life. Darlene became so angry that she shouted, “You’re a dead man!” No warning shot or anything this time. He was just going to have to fend for himself!
13 Can I Hit You “There”?
Men don’t get…okay, men don’t really get a lot of things. They don’t understand why we want them to want to do this or that. They don’t get why helping us around the house means a lot to us. They don’t understand most of what happens to us during pregnancy and birth.
Well, one particular man paid for his ignorance.
Josue and Annie were headed to have their first baby. One the way to the hospital, they were cheerful and energetic. As the night turned into morning, their energy failed them.
Josue must have been getting on Annie’s nerves at some point with all his asking her how it felt. Finally, she volunteered to kick him in his twigs and berries to feel a little of what she was feeling if he didn’t shut up and leave her alone.
Needless to say, he declined. She did it anyway.
12 Pack My Stuff, I’m Over It!
Lacey and her mom were two peas in a pod during Lacey’s pregnancy. Her mom Deb was always there when she needed someone. With Lacey’s fiancé on the road (truck driver) so much, Deb was her right-hand man.
Of course, when Lacey went into labor, Deb was there. The two women drover to the hospital together and settled in for a long day. After hours upon hours upon what seemed like thousands of years, Lacey had had enough.
Although, she doesn’t remember it, her mom swears that she started throwing her things in her suitcase and said, “I’m over this s***! I’m going home!”
11 You Can All Go To “Heck”!
The Queen of Hearts strikes again. Bianca and Tim were typically a pretty loving couple. He’s the kind of guy that bought her flowers for no reason. She is the kind of girl who would surprise him with his favorite meal and dessert.
They were all PDA and mushy gushy love.
Well, they were all lovey dovey except that time they had a child!
Bianca was experiencing a difficult labor with her son. Not that Tim wasn’t there for her in the loving way he always was. It was just that her patience, energy, and nerves were basically raw.
During an especially difficult contraction, from two doors down Bianca could be heard yelling, “You can all go to h***!”
10 How About I Dilate Your “Beep”!
Jodi and Ryan had a little misunderstanding while she was trying to relax during one contraction. Her progression had slowed and she had stalled being dilated to 7 cm. Ryan, at the risk of his own life, decided to advise his wife on how to relax so that labor could progress.
This wasn’t the greatest idea.
Jodi seriously let him have it. In fact, we can’t write most of the things she said in this post because there is a strong possibility it would get pulled from the World Wide Web for being overly violent in nature.
One especially girl-power comment she screamed was a question. She asked Ryan if she could dilate his penis. Yes, indeed that’s what she asked.
Naturally, Ryan declined. He shut up after that and just let her do her thing. For a minute, though, he thought she was serious. We have absolutely no doubt that she was serious, but don’t tell Ryan that!
9 I Am Not Pregnant!
A certain Miss Felicia had the biggest surprise of her life when her son was born. It wasn’t because she was expecting a daughter. No, it was because she wasn’t expecting at all!
She’d been putting on weight and getting swollen for months on end. Without a clue as to why, she believed that she was dealing with some physical ailment.
One Saturday, the “physical ailment” took a turn for the worst. What she now knows were contractions were getting closer together and more intense. By the time the ambulance arrived at her house, her baby was crowning. At this point, she still didn’t know what was going on.
8 Are Those Salad Tongs?
Some expecting moms do a lot of research, reading this book and that blog. Others watch Hell’s Kitchen and forget to read up on their upcoming delivery. One such mom found herself in such a predicament.
Joan had been pushing for what seemed like ages, but couldn’t get that big ole fat baby out. Her daughter was a nine pounder, so delivering her was proving to be difficult.
At one point, Joan’s doctor decided that he would attempt to assist baby out with the use of forceps. When she saw the doctor reach for this odd-looking instrument, she shouted, “Are those salad tongs? OMG, there is no way you’re putting salad tongs in there!”
7 OMG, She Doesn’t Have A Face!
We’re going to switch gears just a tad here and shift our giggles towards dads instead of moms. Although this post is about hilarious things that moms yell in the delivery room, we absolutely could not pass this one up.
James and Deanna were expecting their first daughter late in June. They were ecstatic and had prepared for their precious princess thoroughly. Well, thoroughly as in decorating the room, getting medical insurance notified, and gathering the general baby supplies for her.
Apparently, James forgot to research exactly how babies come out, though. He knew exactly where they come out, but the details were a little blurry.
So, when Deanna was in the middle of pushing the little girl out, James had no clue that she would be born face down. He saw the back of her back and thought it was her face. Shouting, “OMG, she has no face!” was one of the dumbest and most hilarious things that could have been shouted. Deanna had to wait to laugh until after the push was over, but she roared!
6 “Bleep” You!
We women tend to cast all blame on our partners during labor. Why not? I mean, they helped making this baby then sort of dropped off the canvas while we finish painting the picture of pregnancy. Even as much as husbands, boyfriends, and partners try to experience the pregnancy along with a women, it’s just not physically possible.
So goes the story of Loretta and Paul. She had tried to involve him throughout her pregnancy and he had tried his best to be a part.
After a while this game can get a little old, and apparently directly after delivering their daughter, Loretta stopped playing. At a point of exhaustion and hearing Paul talk sweetly to their daughter about how “WE” got through delivery and “WE” were so brave, Loretta snapped. After a few minutes of this nonsense she blurted out, “F*** you! I delivered you moron! There was no WE!”
5 The Nurses Will Never Know!
Kim had been in labor for a solid 9 1/2 hours when she realized she was starving. You know how it is in labor – crust of bread and glass of water kind of diet. Albeit temporary, but still, yuck. If you’re lucky you might get some broth, which just for the record, is tap water with a bouillon cube tossed in. Maybe you’ll be allowed to suck on some Jolly Ranchers…and then barf them all up during the transition phase of labor.
So. Much. Fun.
Anyway, Kim was starving and being a huge fan of BBQ, she asked her hubby to go get her some. As they were bot under the watchful eyes of the nurses, he outright said no.
4 It’s On Fire!
Johnny Cash might have coined the phrase ring of fire when June wrote the tune Ring of Fire for him. We moms who have experienced vaginal deliveries also have a very intimate relationship with this phrase.
Julianna found this out while delivery her first baby. It wasn’t that she’d never heard of the notorious ring of fire in terms of giving birth. It’s just that until you experience it, it doesn’t hold that much meaning.
At the point in labor and delivery that her baby’s head was crowning, her nether regions began to stretch and burn. She quickly realized the true meaning of “ring of fire.” She shouted, “It’s on fire! Put it out! Put it out!”
3 What Do You Mean She’s A Boy?
Darla and Thomas were expecting their third child. With two sons already in their brood, they were very excited that this next baby was a girl. They painted the nursery pink and yellow, bought princess outfits, and had enough bows to last about five years.
All of the ultrasounds had revealed a baby girl, but I’m sure you can guess by now they were dead wrong.
As Darla labored and her new baby BOY was born, the doctors and staff exclaimed with excitement what a good looking boy he was. Darla said, being completely in shock, “What do you mean she’s a boy! Her room is f****** painted pink! I bought f****** girl clothes and bows! Are you sure that’s a penis?!”
They were sure.
2 Don’t Loooooook!
You’d think that modesty would fly right out the door while giving birth, but it doesn’t happen this way for all moms. It seems the more times you give birth the less you care who sees what. The first time you have a baby, though, can really be a shocker to your modesty gauge.
Leigh was experiencing this when she gave birth to her first son. She was only 17 when she discovered she was pregnant. Her boyfriend Seth faithfully stuck by her side, even during the delivery.
As you may know, when one sphincter opens the others do as well when it comes to childbirth. In other words, sometimes you poop while you are trying to push baby out.
This is exactly was Leigh did and she was utterly mortified. Her young boyfriend was looking on and although it didn’t seem to bother him, she still had something to fuss about. She shouted, “Don’t loooooooooook!”
1 Why Do I Keep Doing This?
Having another baby seems like a good idea until you actually have to give birth to that new addition. Then it gets to be a huge challenge!
Maureen and Daniel, mom and dad of three, never regretted their decision to add to their brood. Maureen was trudging through a pretty tough labor when she started questioning her own decision. Daniel was trying to keep it light by joking around with his frustrated wife. Although that seemed to help for a bit, but frustration quickly got to her soon enough.
When she had come to the point of complete exhaustion, she shouted, “Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself?” The greatest part of the story is in Daniel’s response. He said, “Oh honey, I did it and I’m sorry!” He was a well-trained hubby.
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