There’s something about twins, triplets, and higher order multiples that gets people really excited. Much like puppies and other adorable creatures, the more, the merrier. Maybe because it's so rare with only three percent of babies born being twins (although the number used to be even lower before the advent of fertility treatments and IVF treatments).

Even rarer a fear is higher order multiples with one in 837 births being triplets or higher order multiples.

When people found out that I was having twins (a girl and a boy), the term “million dollar family” was used to describe our fortunate surprise, and with a part of that shiny term came a type of celebrity with our parenting – particularly when my kids were babies.

One of the very first things I did after I found out I was having twins, (after the initial shock wore off) was to ask all of the  twins I knew or met about their lives growing up as multiples. I surveyed twins for most of my pregnancy and continue to ask them today about what the best and worst parts of being a twin were, and how their parents slipped up because their kids were multiples.

With my arsenal of research I am happy to say I took a lot of the commentary, stories and advice I received from other multiples to heart and applied it to a number of parenting techniques over the years. Here are 15 common mistakes that parents of multiples make all of the time and what to do about it.

15 Making Them Share Everything

When twins are infants it’s very convenient to make absolutely everything communal. They’re babies, so no one cares or knows that they wear the same sleepers, sleep in the same blankets or even play with the same toys. When twins are really small they might even nap in the same crib or bassinet for a while.

But as your children grow older it’s nice for them to have their own things, down to their very own special occasions. Since multiples have the same birthday it’s nice to make sure they feel uniquely special and not a part of a group party.

Parents should connect with their children to see about birthday planning, maybe they want their own cake, or own party (or maybe they don’t), but you’ll never find out if you automatically group them together and don’t ask.

14 Reinforcing Twin And Triplet Stereotypes

Most parents know that multiples face a lot of myths, random questions, and stereotypes their entire lives. A parent of multiples will get asked numerous invasive questions about IVF, telling identical multiples apart and even more.

Once multiples get older they’ll get enough of these questions from others not limited to: Do you guys fight a lot? Do you think you’re the good looking identical twin? Can you communicate with each other using only your thoughts?

They don’t need any of this encouraged, instigated, or anything else within their own home. When a parent perpetuates assumptions that all twins have super hero abilities or acts like they’re the same person this makes it harder on the kids. If the question annoys you as the parent, take a moment to think about how your kids feel about it.

13 Putting Them In Matching Everything

Parents can easily get wrapped up in the adorableness of their multiples and want to celebrate their multiple features, just don’t get carried away with it. As a child whose mother thought it was cute to put me and my sister (who is five years older than me) in matching outfits for school photo day, I can assure you it’s not.

Not only does the 10 year old resent being dressed like their five year old sister, but it also sucks for the five year old to be gifted with five year old, dated hand-me-downs that she wore five years earlier. Matching can be cute, but once the kids get old enough let them pick their own clothes once in a while.

Sure, go ahead and indulge Aunt Shirley when she visits by putting the triplets in the matching sweaters she painstakingly knitted, just don’t make it an everyday occasion.

12 Only Photographing Them Together

With multiples a lot of milestones happen at pretty much the exact same time. This ranges from first steps to the first day of kindergarten to drivers' licenses and high school graduation. While it makes sense to get photos of the dynamic duo together, make sure you snap a few pictures of the twins on their own, as well as with their other friends.

When talking to a grown up twin she recounted to me that there was not a single picture in her baby book that didn’t also include her identical twin sister and how upon reflection the photo book made it feel like a group experience rather than her own unique childhood. While pictures together will always be treasured, it’s nice to be the centre of attention, or the camera lens on occasion.

11 Always Referring To Them As "The Twins Or "The Triplets"

Most kids get called by their names, they aren’t called “the sisters” or “the brothers” or even “the siblings" very often. But for twins, instead of being called by their names, they are often just referred to by their birth experience, which essentially gives them the same identity, which is a big complaint among twins.

Most of the people I spoke with were happy to be forever connected with their sibling(s), but didn’t like the assumption that they were the same person or one entity. While some parents are more adamant about people not calling their kids the twins or the triplets than others, it’s a good idea to encourage people to call them by their names.

A good start is leading by example, or simply correcting people by using their names. Make sure you sign or have them sign their cards with their names instead of their birth situation.

10 Putting Too Much Emphasis On Birth Order

Birth order is an interesting dynamic in any family, but does it really apply to multiples? I’ve personally found that my children have taken on distinctive birth order personality traits even though there is only two minutes between them.

Some parents have opted to never tell their children who is Twin A and who is Twin B to help squash these titles and assumptions of the big sister/little brother type dynamics. When you’re a little kid being older and more “mature” matters a lot.

My children are in split, separate classes, and I recently found out that my daughter has been telling anyone who will listen that she is the older sister, which is kind of funny, but not appreciated by her twin brother who is the exact same age.

9 Not Making Time For One On One Contact

The baby and toddler years of parenting multiples are some of the most challenging years of a multiple parent’s life. There is so much work and so little sleep. Days are filled with tandem feedings, a crap ton of diapers (pun intended), and rigid sleep schedules to help make everything work.

It’s easy to get into the habit of doing everything together as one family unit, and it’s even nice, especially since your children will be learning to ride a bike at the same time, and likely have similar age appropriate interests. Just the same it’s nice for any kid to get a little one on one attention with their parents.

By making scheduled “date” days with your child for some one on one time you can make them feel truly special. It can be as simple as mom taking one child to the baseball game and dad taking the other to a movie once in a while or enjoying a special activity with the other child when one is at a lesson or birthday party.

8 Keeping Them Together Too Often And For Too Long

I could talk forever about if and when is the right time to separate your multiples at school, but twin life goes beyond who is in whose classroom and when. One day your multiples are going to go out into the real world as individual adults, and preparing them for this, and giving them a little space while they’re growing up to pursue their own passions without their sibling right beside them can help them really flourish.

Not only will little Joey be able to go to dance class while little Jason takes karate, it will also help them expand their social circles and interact with other kids and adults as individuals instead of the comforts, and struggles associated with having their sibling with them.

One of the best things about my twins is the way they take care of each other, but it also means that my daughter speaks for her brother, and sometimes steps in to help him when he should be mastering skills on his own. A little time apart academically, recreationally, and socially has helped them both gain confidence individually.

7 Making Them Compete With Each Other

It’s really easy to compare siblings, it’s even easier to compare multiples who are often completing similar tasks at the exact same time. As a parent of multiples this is the one that I struggle with the most.

Every kid is a unique snowflake, seriously. Some will be focused on achieving at school, while others will not. One child might become very popular, while the other is a little shy. This is completely normal, if you have a sibling (twin or not) think about how different you are from them.

At the end of the day, all multiples are siblings who are born on the same day. So they may not walk or talk at the same time, stop comparing their differences and take the time to enjoy them instead.

Take pride in the fact that they are two different people who will always share a special bond, but will grow up to be independent of each other.

 

6 Giving Them Cheesy Names

What a parent names their child is entirely up to them, however matching or coordinating names was a big complaint among many of the identical twins I spoke to. Not only did they have to share a birthday, but they also had to share initials or coordinating names, and this bothered a lot of them.

When growing up in the same schools and classrooms similar names reinforce the treating of the “twins” as the same person mentality. So take a pause before naming your children - something that might haunt them during their childhood.

A discussion post on What to Expect had parents complaining about some of these top offenders: Oliver and Olivia, Autumn and Summer, Cain and Abel, Ben and Ken, Janice and Janet, Larry and Barry, or Ronald and Donald.

5 Naming Them After Famous Couples

Sometimes people end up with names of celebrities, it can’t be helped, but being a multiple order child may be all the celebrity necessary without pairing it with an infamous name set to match.

I went to school with a Julia Roberts who insisted on being called Julie R. While it may seem cute to name your twins after a famous couple or duo when your children are babies, most tweens and teens will not appreciate being teased about their couple’s focused name.

Some examples I’ve heard over the years are Bella and Edward, Anthony and Cleopatra, Adam and Eve, Crimson and Clover, Ken and Barbie, or Fred and Ginger. Others cautioned me when I was selecting names to stay away from any name that rhymes with twin: Quinn, Lynne, Flynn, or Brynn.

If you feel so inspired, consider dressing up your little baby twins in coordinating Halloween costumes instead.

4 Not Understanding Jealousy In Their Connection

It’s a complicated balance between respecting the multiple child’s connection with their sibling and hitting them over the head with it day and night. Sometimes your children might have problems socially associated with their twinness growing up.

One twin reported that when she was growing up a high school friend confessed focusing more of her attention on another mutual friend simply because she felt she’d never be as close to the twin friend as the twin was to her sister. This was a complicated situation which may be more common for multiples than a parent appreciates.

This twin was old enough to “get” where her friend was coming from and appreciate the honesty, and gave her some pause on the space for different types of love in our hearts – for romantic partners, parents, children, siblings, friends, and of course twins. Understand that there may be some unique social dynamics to navigate and help support your children through.

3 Not Providing Support Around Separation Anxiety

A multiple order sibling can act as a security blanket of sorts to various children. Many twins confess that one of the worst things about being a twin is the anxiety that can take over when you separate for the first time.

Since there is a unique relationship with your sibling, you truly understand each other in a way that is like a best friend and family member combined, and when you’re apart it may sound dramatic, but it can feel like a piece of you is gone. As a parent provide a little bit of extra support, patience and understanding to your child when they’re undergoing this type of situation.

When my twins were first separated in kindergarten their teachers coordinated snack time together for the first while, and whenever they were having a rough day, to help them cope. These small measures helped them feel secure in their separation.

2 Identical Twins Should Be Separated

Identical twins are often mixed up by teachers, friends and more. As kids grow older they come to either chalk it up to an accident, or realize who is putting in a genuine effort to know who is who.

A couple of years a dad of identical twins got into some hot water on Reddit when he inquired as to whether or not tattooing one of his twins with a red dot would be an appropriate way to ensure he was able to tell the infants apart. Some readers agreed with the dad for his ingenious idea, whereas others showed their outrage about this delinquent dad.

A lot of parents of multiples will leave the hospital name tags on a little longer to make sure they don’t mix up their babies. Others rely on a little nail polish on a toenail to ensure they know who is who.

1 Ignoring The Other Siblings

This isn’t from the multiples perspective, but sibling rivalry is alive and well in many families. Older siblings, and less often younger siblings, of multiples often feel left out, particularly next to their siblings’ sort of “celebrity status.”

There are many things that parents do to help prepare their older child for the arrival of their siblings, whether it’s a special gift, or some “big kid” time to show that their singleton is a special priority. One on one time is important for non-twin kids as well, particularly during the years when the multiple babies require extra time from the parents.

One twin I spoke to told me that when he got older and became aware of how tough it was for their older sister to be out-attentioned and out-cuted by two identical twin boys, she was also put in a care giver role to help out, which didn’t help. Today they have a great relationship, but she would have appreciated a little more time from her parents in the early years.

Sources: Metro UK, Elite Daily, Huffington Post, What To Expect