Parenting can be so hard, even when we think we have it all down, out comes a new article or book that tells us everything we are doing is wrong! Truth is, every parent out there is just trying to do their very best, it’s the only job in the world that doesn't include training of any sort!

One day it's just a happy couple, the next they're a couple + baby, and then it’s up to mom and dad to figure out what to do with their +1. the problem is no kid is ever the same, so all the same rules won’t always apply! So how do we perfect parenthood? The simple answer is perfection is impossible, but being informed is definitely helpful!

One thing that troubles many parents is communication. How do we talk to kids? We definitely can’t expect them to respond as adults, so we can’t speak to them as such. We have to adopt a whole new set of verbal cues for kids, but sometimes our “adultisms” leak out unintentionally.

When we have to teach our kids to behave, language becomes increasingly difficult as kids take things very literally. For example if a parent uses sarcasm, great to use in conversations with adults who get it, not so great to use with kids who see it as praise instead, or take it as a criticism.

If a child breaks something and their parent says, “Nice job,” with a sarcastic tone, chances are the child will only understand the part where mom or dad  said “nice job” giving them cause to repeat the action. Strange to think something so simple could be setting a child up for future negative behaviour, but that’s why knowing more about which verbal cues to avoid is so important.

Here are 15 verbal cues parents may want to avoid.

15 No!

http://gph.is/2nsSVvt

Two letters, such a simple word, but so dangerous to use with children. Firstly, they'll repeat it when responding to your directions, and secondly it can teach them that there isn't room for negotiation, something parents rely on, especially with toddlers. If you can't negotiate with your kids, then you've most likely already lost a major battle.

Just wait until they start using it against you, everything will be no for mommy and daddy just as it is for them. "No" is simply a word, but once learned it's hard to go back to "yes" or even "maybe." Try using your words, just as you ask your children to do, explain why they shouldn't do something rather than just resorting to "no."

For example, if they're playing on the stairs, rather than screaming "no," explain the consequences of playing on the stairs, tell them that "broken bones" or "bruises" may result, and then offer them an alternative, such as, "The living room is a great space to play with lots of toys, let's go." Chances are if a child understands why they shouldn't do something, they may not choose to do it in the first place.

14 Don't Cry/It's Okay

http://gph.is/28Ta2NZ

Who would have ever thought that what we considered to be consoling was actually harmful? Saying things like “don’t cry” or “don’t be sad” or “you’re okay” are actually ways of denying a child’s feelings, starting a cycle of repression that can last a lifetime.

Kids will cry, they will feel sadness and sometimes they’re not going to feel “okay,” we need to be there to assure them that all their emotions are valid, that they’re allowed to feel whatever they’re feeling. For example when did saying “don’t worry” to someone ever make them worry less?

The word “don’t” is fairly useless in this case, we can’t caution our kids not to feel something, instead we need to acknowledge the emotions and make them feel better the best we can. All kids really need to feel better is to know they’re safe and loved, sometimes a hug is all that’s needed.

13 Putting Baby In A Corner

http://gph.is/1Jd3ZNI

Two simple words like “you’re so…” can open up a lot of opportunities for interpretation, it can also end in a lot of ways, and not usually in a positive light. “You’re so mean to your sister,” “you’re so clumsy” and even “you’re so smart” are all ways of compartmentalizing our children.

No child is only one thing, but if they begin to see a pattern in how they’re labeled they’ll believe that’s all they are. Labels, especially negative ones can dictate behaviour, if they are called shy, lazy or mean, they’ll begin to think of themselves in that light, which can undermine their confidence.

If people continue to say “you’re so mean” eventually a child will reach a state of hopelessness feeling that they can never do something that isn’t “mean.” A better way to deal with this is to leave the labels behind and address the specific behaviour, for example, instead of saying “you’re so mean to the baby” you can say “I think that made the baby sad, how we can make them feel better?”

Avoiding labels entirely is always the better bet.

12 Leave Me Alone

http://gph.is/1Oru5lW

There isn't a parent out there who hasn't wanted to scream this out loud at least once over the years! It's hard never having a moment to yourself, it can even begin to feel a bit suffocating at times.

Obviously we know that children are needy, they still have so much to learn and their curiosity runs rampant, but when we begin saying things like “leave me alone” or “I’m busy” our kids start to internalize it and feel like there’s no longer a point in even trying to start a conversation with mom and dad.

This is a pattern you want to avoid because it will continue later on when they’re older and they will become less likely to tell you things. It’s important for parents to set boundaries and show their kids that they need time for themselves, but try using more explanatory language such as “I just need to finish one more thing, and then we can go play.”

Ending with a reward will also help them maintain some patience, but it’s important to be realistic as well, toddlers aren’t going to be able to leave you alone for an entire hour.

11 Comparing Siblings

http://gph.is/2233bXA

This is just simply unachievable can create self-loathing in a child. It all goes back to the fact that no child is exactly the same, and this also applies to siblings. Comparing them is a form of torture for a child, they already compare themselves to their parents and can't compete and now they have a sibling to live up to.

The standards are simply too high and the pressure can feel nauseating, causing children to act out further rather than improve. No matter how helpful it might seem to show your child the shining example their older brother or sister is, refrain! The more you praise the sibling, the more your intended target will act in the opposite manner.

Since when did siblings want to be just like each other anyway? Never! This tactic simply doesn’t work, it just aggravates and leads to a lot of resentment. Your child will begin to think you wish them to be different, that you don’t love and appreciate them just as they are, and although that isn’t the intent, that’s how a child reads it.

10 Kids Should Know Better!

http://gph.is/1hYJE8A

Chances are you're speaking to a child when you say this, and guess what, they really don't know any better! It's like insulting their intelligence as they're trying to learn, don't kick a kid when they're down! Learning is all about trial and error and we all know that kids make a lot of errors and that’s all a part of growing up.

It’s hard for us as adults to step into their minds and actually understand their thought process, but I promise you, they are thinking, they are processing, but they’re still too young and lack experience to be certain of their choices.

For example picking up a full bowl of cereal with milk and pouring it all over themselves, perhaps they thought the bowl would have been easier to lift, perhaps they thought drinking the cereal from the bowl would be less messy, either way, it didn’t work out, but it doesn’t mean they were trying to be careless.

Give your kid the benefit of the doubt, use language that encourages their thinking rather than putting them down, try, “I like it better when you use a spoon.” This kind of language will make them think rather than feel like they can’t do anything right.

9 Good Boy/Girl

http://gph.is/2ehErf5

I know what you’re thinking, how can praise possibly be negative? It’s a valid question, encouragement and positive reinforcement is supposed to be good for kids, right? The simple answer is yes, praise is wonderful, but only if utilized correctly. The real issue with “good boy or girl” is when the praise is too vague.

You can’t simply say “Good job!” for every single little thing your child does, you have to truly praise them when it is deserved and tell them why what they’re doing is great! Telling them “Great job” for drinking all their water, or colouring a picture, or getting their shoes on can start to make praise feel meaningless.

You truly have to reserve praise for real effort, that way a child begins to understand what success feels like. There’s not a lot of pride felt after finishing a bottle of water, but learning how to write their name for the first time, now that’s an accomplishment, it might have taken them an entire month’s work of practice to get that name on some paper, but that’s what we want them to understand, hard work gets rewarded!

8 Wait Until Daddy Gets Home!

http://gph.is/1NyIUFK

Let’s face it, no one wants to be the bad-cop, especially not all the time, it’s nice to be able to be the “fun one” sometimes too! Gone are the days where dad has to be the disciplinarian and mommy has to be the big softie. Gender roles have changed quite a bit in the last few decades! So let’s get with the times!

Mommy is more than able to be disciplinarian and nurturer, as is dad! Saying to wait for daddy to deal with a situation also undermines your authority, which is really just setting you up for further behaviour issues. If children know you won’t create consequences, they will stop listening to you altogether.

So throw this cliché out the window, it doesn’t work anyway, delayed discipline is forgotten discipline, chances are if you want for dad to get home, the child has already forgotten what they did wrong. Remember, a child’s attention span is short, and their memories even shorter still!

7 Let Me Help

http://gph.is/2bfoocg

This phrase is usually uttered after frustratingly watching your child try to put on a shoe or any other article of clothing. This may seem like an innocent gesture, but what it is really insinuating is that your child can't do something. It’s also natural for adults to want to take over, we know how to do all the things that they can’t, and we feel that showing them will help them, seems harmless enough, right?

Well struggling is actually a part of learning, think about their attempts to walk, there was nothing easy about it, and a lot of the times they fell, we have to let them fall in many ways during their growth, and that’s not to say we can’t help, but we need to know when to step in and when to step back.

No matter how tempting it might be to step in and finish that puzzle the little one is having a hard time piecing together, it’s important to let them have that independence, chances are, if they didn’t ask for your help, they probably don’t want it.

6 Hurry Up!

http://gph.is/1LvJ9jq

We want to teach our children patience, but what are we showing them if we can't wait for them to complete a task that they are trying very hard to accomplish? It's not for lack of trying, kids are slow at doing things because they're still learning and they're still processing what you've commanded them to do.

We live in a world where rushing around is expected! Insane deadlines, overbooked schedules, rush delivery, racing to the train, racing the kids to school, and rushing just to get the day over with are the realities we deal with, but how can we put these pressures on someone so young?

Placing this sort of pressure on our children as we urge them to “hurry up” seems extremely unfair. They can’t go any faster than they can go, they’re small, and sometimes putting on a shoe is hard work! Yet here we are, and we’re all guilty of it, tapping toes impatiently and trying to make our kids feel guilty for making us wait.

Truth is, it really doesn’t speed anything up, instead it leads to stress, something children aren’t really equipped to deal with yet.

5 No Dessert Until Dinner Is Done

We have all heard variations of this phrase growing up, especially when it came to eating all our veggies. The promise of dessert made it possible to eat the broccoli that we could barely stand, those tiny trees are no big deal now, but as kids there’s always a power struggle with food.

The only problem with the promise of a special dessert after every meal is that kids are no longer enjoying the meal. They have just become accustomed to forcing food down their throat in order to get a reward. The reward should be the meal itself and trying new foods and learning about nutrition, it all gets lost when all the child can think about is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

A doctor by the name of David Ludwig said that we should tweak our message to, “First we eat our meal and then we have dessert.” This way they see the structure to meals rather than seeing a meal as a means to a sugar-filled end.

4 Be Careful

It seems that we ask children to “be careful” on a regular basis, it doesn’t seem harmful to do so, we do so out of concern for their wellbeing, we want them to be safe and remain that way. I remember my own mother using those two words nearly every five minutes as a child and I would tell her, “Don’t say that, you’ll jinx me.”

A silly thought that two words can bring you bad luck, but there apparently is a little truth there. The mere action of telling a child to “be careful” actually makes it more likely that they’ll fall or get hurt. When a parent uses that language it distracts a child from what they’re doing in order to listen to your instruction.

Children don’t multitask as well as adults, so they lose focus and this is why “be careful” can sometimes have the opposite result we intended it to.

3 I'm On A Diet

http://gph.is/1dHbVr5

Body image is such a hot topic these days and unfortunately it's not from an overwhelming amount of body positivity flooding the news. Finding role models in film and images in magazines that speak to all body shapes and sizes is truly lacking.

There is still this idea of the perfect body and with the help of make-up, surgeries, personal trainers, and Photoshop, who can really live up to that? We all have things we’d like to improve about our bodies, but it’s better to keep those ideas to ourselves.

The moment our kids hear us talking about being “fat” or stepping on the scale every day, we are setting them up to develop an unhealthy view of their own bodies. It’s better to tell your kids that you’re “eating healthier” or that “exercise is healthy” and encourage them to do the same. We want our children to be confident in whatever body they have, so it’s important to show them we love our own.

2 Avoid Arguments In Front Of Children

http://gph.is/2bbq5tI

Children are always listening, even when you think they’re not, they absolutely are! There’s not a person out there who doesn’t know that arguing in front of a child can be harmful, they can’t process everything the same way adults do and it can lead to a lot of stress and unhealthy or problematic behaviours in children.

It’s natural for couples to argue from time to time, but it’s important to keep it away from children’s ears. Many studies have shown that using hostile language around children can cause an increased rate of psychological problems that can include depression, anxiety, social withdrawal and aggression.

Also, what we show our children in terms of healthy relationships is what they will later go on to use as an example for all their relationships. That being said, our kids do need to learn how to deal with a disagreement in a positive manner, it’s good to show children how resolution works. Showing them that adults can disagree but find compromise will only help them with future relationships.

1 Threatening And Using Passive Aggression

http://gph.is/2nqvsIF

Sometimes it’s not just the words that harm, it’s how we use them! Kids can sense what goes unsaid and we don’t give them enough credit for this, they’re able to read our feelings and when we use passive aggression or threaten with words like, “Do that and see what happens,” we really aren’t teaching anything, we’re just causing them to feel like they can’t do anything right.

We all lose our tempers, children tend to find new ways to push our buttons daily, but we have to remember that they’re waiting to see how we react. All children go through a phase of testing, and this is more to see how parents will react to their behaviour and how they will handle each situation.

If we use passive aggressive language such as “whatever,” or a sarcastic “well that’s just perfect!” then you’re not only confusing the child, you’re teaching them to respond in the same manner.

References: Parenting, The Atlantic