In this modern age where science rules and people are further than ever from their animal origins, it’s no wonder that breastfeeding has become a taboo subject for many. Why do what is natural and intuitive when there’s manmade formula that claims to be “just as good” as mother’s milk? Why bother giving the baby’s immunity a boost when there are immunizations for nearly everything?

In today’s world, cash is king, so if women want to go back to work right away and don’t feel like giving pumping a try… no worries. Formula is now more common and socially acceptable, anyway. From the moment the baby is born in the hospital, and often even beforehand, aggressive marketing rushes in to boast of all the awesome options of processed and packaged “total” nutrition that will be so great for the baby.

So many things can go wrong with breastfeeding, too. Why deal with soreness, leakage and the adjustment period that comes with getting the newborn fed when you can just feed them something made primarily of cow’s milk or high fructose corn syrup in one of thousands of types of bottles? It’s likely a ton of bottles have already been gifted to the new mom, so she won’t even need to buy them! Lucky her!

If you’re grasping the irony and absurdity of this modern conundrum, read on to find out the 15 Reasons No Woman Should Ever Breastfeed.

15 Formula Helps You Spend Tons Of Cash

Why would anyone want to save thousands of dollars a year on formula when they could spend that money and help line the pockets of major corporations like Nestle and Abbott? On average, a baby will consume $1,735 a year in formula, and that’s if they aren’t on a hypoallergenic or special formula.

The cost of breastfeeding is a whopping $0. Sure, mom might need to buy some nursing tops, storage supplies, and pillows, but that’s about it. Breast pumps are usually provided by insurance companies for free, and often come with a few bottles for short-term storage. But that’s just too simple and cheap; formula has to be the better option. After all, the Western world says so! Please note, the moms and babies who are physically unable to breastfeed are not the topic of this piece- no one is faulting them.

14 Increase Your Risk Of Cancer

Fun fact… breastfeeding decreases mom’s risk of breast cancer tremendously. It does this by lowering the levels of certain cancer-related hormones in the body, and by getting rid of breast cells that may have DNA damage. Why would you want to live a healthy, cancer-free life and miss out on the fun of frequent mammograms, doctor’s consults, biopsies, radiation, lumpectomy, mastectomy or chemo?

Cancer is one of the most expensive diseases to have. It robs you of your vitality, dignity, and identity and often leaves the survivor anxious of its return even after remission. By choosing not to breastfeed, you can increase your chances of developing cancer quickly and easily. Then you, too, can be one of thousands funding big pharma every year.

13 Healthy Babies Are Overrated

Babies who breastfeed receive tons of protection from mom. They are essentially getting a good portion of mom’s immunity for the first few months of life. Breast milk adjusts itself according to the age of the baby and their health needs, too. When a baby is sick, the milk changes to support a return to health. Breastfeeding also decreases chances of infant mortality.

Who needs better immunity and health for the baby when there’s a myriad of vaccines at every pediatrician’s office? Though they can’t promise to make the baby immune to anything, they will give the average Jane peace of mind, and reassure her that formula is just as good since baby has the drug companies on his side. Just ignore that little SIDS warning in the vaccine insert.

12 Raising Smart Kids Is Tough

Smart babies are a lot of work. You have to read to them, nurture their interests, and engage them in lots of developmental activities. Why would you want a smart, attentive baby when you could have a less demanding baby with a lower IQ? Breastfed babies, on average, have markedly higher IQs and go on to have more years of education and higher incomes later in life.

Feeding the baby formula instead of breast milk will make them a lot easier to manage. You can just plop them in front of the TV for a few years, and then feel a wave of relief as they enter high school, because choosing a college might not be a high priority or even a thought. You might even get them to keep living at home long into adulthood, if they can’t make enough money for their own place.

11 Convenience Is For The Birds

With breastfeeding, you can feed the baby pretty much anywhere, with relative ease. You don’t have to worry about sterilizing or boiling bottles, preparing formula, heating it, and getting up at all hours to feed the little one. Why on earth would you want to miss out on the fun of the 3 AM bottle prep? Or miss the joys of worrying whether the formula will stay fresh enough when you’re out with the baby for a long day on the town?

Breast milk stays fresh at room temperature for up to 6 hours. Formula can only be at room temperature for 1 hour. Clearly, the fun of making and discarding unused formula will be missed if you choose to breastfeed the baby. And no one wants to miss out on that, right?!

10 Bonding With Baby Isn't THAT Important

Having an amazing bond with the baby can make for a more relaxing and enjoyable experience in motherhood. Who wants that, when you can have long days and nights of screaming and crying, which will hopefully be alleviated with hugs or bottles. There is a special bond between mom and her breastfed baby; a closeness that not every formula fed baby gets to enjoy. Having the baby physically close to you all the time is certainly part of that equation.

Studies show that physical touch is crucial to baby’s health, development, and happiness. It also helps release the feel-good chemicals in mom, too (warding off depression and anxiety). It’s part of our biological nature to keep the baby close, but who needs nature when you can buy a fancy bottle warmer and decorative crib to keep the baby at arm’s length?

9 You Can Sleep When You're Dead

When you breastfeed, you can keep the baby close by and simply put them on the chest when they need comforting or feeding. Then, you don’t get to get up throughout the night to prepare bottles and sit up with the baby, making sure they drink the bottle and get burped.

Why would anyone want to get a decent night of sleep after pushing out a baby? It’s not like the human body needs rest and recuperation to function or anything. Not to mention, lack of sleep only helps memory and concentration in new moms, right? Hello, permanent baby brain! Nice to meet you! All joking aside, the importance of good sleep cannot be underestimated. Did you know good sleep equals better health and decreased odds of a serious car accident?

8 Portability Please

Boobs are portable… they don’t require literally any of the steps that go into making a bottle of formula. You don’t have to purchase powder, add water, clean the bottles, mix the formula, warm the formula, and then hope baby finishes the bottle before it goes bad. With breastfeeding, all you have to do is let the baby clamp on and drink until they are full. They will let you know when they're hungry.

Short of any medical problems like tongue-tie or a blocked milk duct, breastfeeding can be pretty smooth sailing. You will have to miss out on the thrills of formula making and dealing with a sink full of bottles, nipples, and scrubbers, and that is a crying shame. You also won’t get to deal with delightful diapers of formula-based poo that are guaranteed to stink up the whole house. What a loss.

7 Forget Mother Nature

Who is the biggest enemy of modern man? Why, it’s Mother Nature, of course. To heck with Mother Nature! Everyone should buy tons of formula cans and baby bottles every single month so we can make sure to keep those landfills full for eons to come. The more plastic floating in the ocean, the better! If more people choose to breastfeed, thousands upon thousands of plastic and aluminum bottles and cans will be stopped from going into the ground and the water, and who wants that?

We need to have the absolute biggest negative impact on the planet while we have the chance! The more we consume and discard packaging and plastic goods (and forget about recycling), the more we can really show this Earth who’s boss.

6 Healthy Lifestyles Are Overrated

Let’s be honest- there are no moms who want to look good and feel good after having a baby. “Bouncing back” is the furthest thing from a mom’s mind after having a baby. After all, once you have kids, self-image and self-esteem cease to exist, right? You just become a sexless, lifeless blob whose only job is to care for the baby.

One important reason no one should ever breastfeed is that it burns a lot of calories and can help the female body rebound quickly after childbirth. Baby’s sucking helps release hormones that shrink down there back to pre-pregnancy size, thus shrinking the entire lower body. Why not just throw all those old jeans away and buy new ones a few sizes bigger instead? To heck with a healthy BMI! Who needs it?! We should all strive to be like Kelly Clarkson and keep that baby fat FOREVER.

5 Who Wants A Plump, Adorable Baby?

Babies can breastfeed well past the time when they start eating solid foods. They will still get tons of essential nutrients and vitamins from mommy, not to mention, extra calories. But, let’s be honest again, everyone hates plump, delicious babies with chunky thighs and luscious rolls. What is really ideal is a baby who has no extra meat on the body and grows very slowly. That way, you don’t have to buy lots of new baby clothes every month.

Skinny, lanky babies should be the new norm! Or, babies who are fed a steady diet of cow’s milk or soy based formula, so that lots of fun disease processes and female hormones can pop up in the pre-teen years, even in boys. Remember, a company who primarily makes foods like chocolate and soda truly has your baby’s best interests at heart when they produce baby formula filled with empty calories!

4 Tummy Problems Are Fun!

Mom’s milk is perfectly formulated to meet the baby’s needs. That means it is nutritionally complete and easy to digest. It makes for less offensive smelling diapers and less tummy problems, like gas, constipation, and frequent reflux or spit-ups.

Tummy problems are a fun part of having a baby, so I’m not sure why anyone would want to miss out on that. Giving the baby a formula that’s rich in processed, unnatural ingredients and high in iron will ensure you don’t have to miss out on the worst blowouts, tummy cramps, and other issues. And, let me tell you, trips to pediatric gastrointestinal doctors are always a real treat, definitely a fun way to make memories with your little one.

3 Women Don't Need A Healthy Uterus

So we mentioned how breastfeeding can help the uterus shrink back to its pre-pregnancy size, but what we didn’t mention is that not breastfeeding can make it so that mom NEVER returns to her normal size. Breastfeeding is a natural mechanism that helps the body recover and rejuvenate all over, and without that, things can stay pretty jacked up.

Not EVERY mom who breastfeeds will return to the size she was, but it certainly helps things. Of course, who doesn’t love a baby pooch and stretched out lady business? All the more reason to pick formula over the boobs! Just be sure if you’re going to skip breastfeeding that you’re counting your calories, because getting back to that happy number will be a real chore.

2 Meconium Problems Are A Blast

One of the first things you have to look out for with a newborn is whether they pass the meconium within the first few days. Passing the meconium is crucial and will save the baby from a myriad of health issues, some of which can land the little one in the emergency room. A good way to delay the passing of the meconium is to choose formula.

Breast milk has special components that encourage meconium passage and clean out the tummy and bowels, making room for the rich colostrum that the baby needs in early life. Why miss out on the fun of an emergency trip to the doctor or hospital when the baby is just days old? You won’t get any of that thrilling excitement and drama if the baby’s digestion is working right.

1 Fussy Babies Are More Exciting

I don’t know about you, but the thought of an emotionally satisfied, happy baby just sounds so boring. Give me a baby with separation anxiety, constant crying, and problems engaging with people and the environment, because that sounds a heck of a lot more adventurous.

Breastfeeding can help calm and soothe the baby, and create a sense of security and trust with the family and the outside world. Baby will know there is always comfort close by, and that it’s not necessary to be fearful and anxious. Why would a parent want such a simple and natural intro to life for their baby? That’s just a snoozefest. It’s obviously much better to have upheaval, chaos, and exhaustion with a new baby in the house. 

At the end of the day, do what is right for your family, but at least be informed before you make important decisions such as this.

Sources: Naturalchild.org, NPR.org, TheSimpleDOllar.com, wcrf-uk.org