Gynecologists/obstetricians have pretty important jobs (as do all doctors). After all, they are responsible for offering medical care to a pregnant mom throughout all of her pregnancy; they can deliver babies vaginally, and they even have surgical privileges to perform c-sections. In addition, they also offer reproductive health services to women including breast exams, pap smears, and various birth control options. Some of them can even assist with fertility issues. So… super important stuff!
The best part of going to a gyno is that they know what they signed up for – meaning you never have to be embarrassed about any health problems or sex-related issues you’re having down below. In interview after interview, gynos keep reminding us that they don’t care about your grooming or if you’re on your period – it’s all part of the deal. I repeat: there is no need to be afraid to address any issue to your gyno.
That being said, sometimes women need to see a gyno for an issue that’s not exactly health-related, but more along the lines of foreign object removal. And I don’t just mean an IUD. Couples can get creative in the bedroom and when good ideas turn bad, gynos are no strangers to removing odd things from vaginas. Here are 15 things gynos fished out that weren’t a baby.
15 All Warm And Fuzzy
Pop Rocks are a classic candy of my childhood. I remember bringing those little packets to sleepovers and seeing who could eat the most at one time. I’ll admit that I never ate them for the flavor; I just liked the slightly dangerous appeal to them. I know I’m not alone in that. Pop Rocks are still around today, and seem to be popular choices for kids’ parties and Halloween goodie bags.
One couple from Newport, California decided that these fizzy candies aren’t just for kids. The woman asked her husband to insert the candy into her vagina while having sex. While she thought it would be pleasurable, it was anything but. Her husband rushed her to the hospital where the fizzing candy was fished out. TLC picked up the story and ran it as a dramatized segment on Sex Sent Me to the ER in 2014.
14 Cold Dog, Anyone?
Anyone with the humor of a fifth grader can make at least 10 hot dog/weiner jokes. It’s not the hot dog’s fault that they are just so … phallic in nature. But I thought the jokes about hot dogs were just that – jokes. I didn’t think anyone actually used them as a penis replacement.
But a hot dog is exactly why a woman ended up in the hospital. Or maybe I should say a cold dog. One Reddit user confessed that his girlfriend needed to seek medical help after masturbating with a frozen hot dog. As her body heat warmed up the hot dog, pieces of the hot dog broke off and became lodged. While the determined boyfriend tried to fish out the hot dog with a crochet hook (this goes from bad to worse), the couple finally realized that medical help was needed. Hopefully, they learned their lesson.
13 Only The Worst Secret Hiding Place
Everyone has a secret hiding place where they keep their most prized possessions. Most people choose secret cubby holes behind art work, a drawer with a false bottom, or a security box at a bank.
A woman from Scranton put all of those hiding places to shame; she used her vagina. After crashing her car, the woman was arrested for suspicions of burglarizing a local inn. However, when she was at the prison, she confessed that her vagina was loaded. A doctor examined her and removed the following: a whopping 54 bags of heroin, 8.5 prescription pills, 31 empty bags, as well as loose change and bills equaling $51.22. Seriously, I don’t know how any of that didn’t fall out – especially the loose change! I’m not condoning what she did, but she must have done her kegels religiously.
12 Packin’ Heat
There’s a reason why anyone intent on visiting a prison must pass through security: people have been trying to sneak stuff into prisons since the dawn of the first jail. Among the top things most often attempted to be smuggled in are drugs, notes with elicit information, weapons, and anything that can be turned into a weapon.
Under the influence of drugs, one woman attempted to visit her boyfriend in jail with a loaded gun… hidden in her vagina! Not surprisingly, she was caught. After a doctor removed the extra bullets that were crammed in there, she faced felony charges. Apparently, she was also wanted for property destruction, speeding, and possession of drugs. It’s pretty clear that her judgement isn’t the best; she’s just lucky the gun didn’t go off. Even her own lawyer couldn’t offer a reason as to why she showed up at the jail with a loaded vagina.
11 It’s All Fun And Games Until…
…Someone loses the handcuff key.
Handcuffs in the bedroom aren’t anything new but the book series Fifty Shades of Grey surely had an impact on handcuff sales. From bondage to over-the-top role playing, handcuffs are available with fluffy pink feathers with easy open safety locks or more serious cuffs that require a key. Whoever holds the key holds the power.
And that’s just want a Canadian couple vacationing in California found out – the hard way. The woman, who was acting out a role play involving a princess trying to hide from a “sex-starved dragon,” hid the key in her vagina, only to realize later that the key was stuck. The key was caught on her IUD. Ouch! Her doctor was amazed that the key and IUD tangle did not tear her cervical opening. Once again, TLC picked up this story as part of a segment on Sex Sent Me to the ER. I bet they never used handcuffs again.
10 A 10 Year Old What?
Using X toys can be as simple or as complicated as you want. Some women are just find with a vibrator or a dildo while other women enjoy much, much more. In the case of dildos, usually women remove them before penetrative intimacy. Except for one Scottish woman.
When this Scot arrived at the hospital complaining of weight loss and problems using the restroom, they quickly ordered an X-ray. The results revealed that she had a ten year old sex toy that was half in her vagina… the other half was protruding into her bladder. The toy caused bladder to flow out through the V for ten years. I have so many questions. How? Why? Even though she said she was drunk at the time, how did she not realize the stabbing pain in her V? Did she think that it was normal to be experiencing pain after sex for a whole decade? I almost don’t believe her except that this case is chronicled in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, so it’s real. Unbelievable, but real.
9 Smellin’ Fresh
The age old question of “how far is too far” is one that nearly every couple asks at one point. This question is particularly popular among teens and those who are abstaining. Trying to feel satisfied without actually having sex usually ends in things like oral sex or mutual masturbation. In the case of a young woman from India, her boyfriend “did her” with a deodorant bottle. How romantic. Isn’t that what every woman desires? Can you hear my sarcasm?
Things took a turn for the worse when the boyfriend removed the deodorant bottle sans lid. The lid was stuck and almost suctioned inside her vagina. After the pair tried to free the lid manually and with pliers, they headed to the doctor. Doctors easily removed the lid with a Kocher clamp. Who wants to bet that they spring for a dildo next time around?
8 Banana Fail
Bananas and condoms go together like sex ed and angsty teenagers. Nearly every TV show or movie that depicts a sex education class illustrates the banana-condom lesson. Obviously, they can’t use the real thing to show teens how to put on a condom and bringing out a dildo seems a bit over the top. So banana it is! After all, bananas are a bit phallic and readily available.
So you can almost see how the next lady got her V in a jam. After using a banana to pleasure herself, this Virginian woman realized that the banana left some remnants, aka all those stringy bits of the banana that no one likes to eat, inside of her. Yep, she used a peeled banana, folks. If you’re going to use a banana, at least keep the peel on! Has she learned nothing from the hot dog lady? Food is a risky choice indeed for sexy time. Between food bits chunking off and the risk of yeast infections, just pass on the salad bar and grab a dildo.
7 When Good D’s Go Bad
Remember how I just said to forgo the phallic food and grab a D instead? Well, it turns out that D’s can be a bit problematic too.
An ER nurse, who was interviewed about the weirdest things she’s even seen stuck in a vagina, commented that dildos are no exception. In fact, she estimated that she sees women come into her hospital with dildos stuck in their vaginas at least once per month. How?
The most serious case of a stuck dildo is when the dildo pierces through the walls of the vagina or the bladder. (Just like the Scottish woman who made headlines with her ten year old toy.) Doctors have also had to remove bits of rubber or silicone from worn out dildos. Improper cleaning can cause the materials to deteriorate and then chunk off. Lesson of the day? Always wash your sex toys properly and throw out any toys showing wear and tear.
6 Too Much Wine
There’s enough women-loving-wine memes to cover the span of the Atlantic Ocean and back. I get it though, what’s not to love about wine? It’s like instant peace and zen in a glass. After a rough day at the office or a long day of chasing toddlers, what mommy doesn’t need a little relaxation? Paired with a little cheese or chocolate (my personal go-to), you’re set for the night.
One anonymous mom took her love of wine to a whole new level and pleasured herself with the bottle. All those back and forth motions, however, loosened the cork off of the previously unopened bottle. After trying to find advice on the interwebz (with no such luck), she headed to her OB’s office to have her doctor pick out all the cork pieces. I’m sure that’s not how she envisioned her relaxing evening ending up.
5 Birth Control Fail
Some forms of birth control are intentionally placed in the vagina like a diaphragm or spermicide. IUDs, which are placed through the vagina and inserted into the uterus, have a removal string that an OB uses to remove the device. The point is that there are plenty of birth control methods that involve putting something in the vagina. Although I doubt, “plastic cap to an aerosol hairspray bottle” made that list.
One woman, however, ended up in her doctor’s office after getting an aerosol cap stuck inside her vagina. Lacking any real birth control, she grabbed the lid in a moment of passion and thought it would act as a substitute diaphragm. Unfortunately, it created a suction. Luckily, her doctor was able to remove the cap. I’m willing to bet that she never uses sub par birth control ever again.
4 Ho! Ho! Ho!
Christmas trees, candy canes, egg nog, twinkly lights on a snowy house – all of these things are meant to help spread Christmas joy. All of these things seem innocent enough, right?
One Yahoo user admitted that she went a little too far with the holiday joy and used a few candy canes as a dildo during foreplay. She had the idea that it would be fun while making a tasty treat for her man. Well, you know the saying about good intentions. This festive plan was a major fail. Because the candy canes were unwrapped, bits of the candy broke off and got stuck (literally… candy canes are sticky!) to the inside of her V.
3 A Nice Refreshing Cola
Have you noticed a trend on this list? The majority of items on this list are objects that are not dildos that were used as dildos. This list entry is definitely a dildo substitute gone wrong: a glass soda bottle! Really, glass in the who-ha?? Sounds dangerous.
A doctor from Emory University shared that one of her patients came to the hospital needing help removing a glass soda bottle from her vagina. The bottle had created a powerful suction on her cervix and she was afraid to remove it on her own. Thankfully, the glass hadn’t broken! Just as a PSA, this doctor also advises against sticking glass bottles in your rectum for the same reason – they can create painful suctions that are difficult to undo.
2 When Aunt Flow Strikes Suddenly
I’m going to speak for a lot of women and say that getting your period while unprepared for said period is pretty much a nightmare. During a summer class in college, a classmate of mine was up giving a speech. You know where this is going, right? Of course, she was wearing white pants, and you guessed it – she had gotten her period during her speech. I wish I was making this up. The poor girl skipped the next two weeks of classes.
So you can understand how someone might want to prevent a horrible situation like that. One woman caught unprepared used a wad of paper towels from a public restroom to create a makeshift tampon. Good idea… in theory. The paper towels began to disintegrate and were impossible to remove. One gyno trip later and she was paper towel free. If you’re ever in this situation, make a paper towel pad – never make a makeshift tampon!
1 Betrayed By A Trustworthy Source
Women have been having periods since … um… forever. Tampons, however, have not been around forever. So what did women use before tampons were invented? After doing a little research, I’ve found just another reason to be thankful I live in this time period. Women in the pre-industrial era used a variety of materials in lieu of a tampon or disposable pad including: moss, dried grass, and animal pelts covered with oil. Gross.
So the modern tampon is obviously a much easier, more hygienic, and more convenient option. Seems easy enough, right? Insert tampon. Pull string to remove. Although one woman botched the whole thing and needed to have her doctor fish out her tampon. Why? Well, although the string is there for easy removal, if you have sex while wearing a tampon, it turns out that tampon and that easy to reach string are no longer easily accessible. Oops.
Sources: TLC.com, Reddit.com, thetimes-tribune.com, NYdailynews.com, medicaldaily.com
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