Pregnancy is no easy feat, we all know. It requires not only physical endurance- nights of back pain and swollen feet are tough- but mental fortitude and emotional strength as well. But even with these hardships, we know that the journey will be worth it; that at the end of the 9 months long (or 7 or 8 months long) ride, there will be a happy baby in his or her mother’s arms, smiles plastered on both of their faces, husband and parents smiling along with them.
So imagine how it must feel for the women who lost their babies early on, not even getting the chance to see and feel their baby develop in their wombs, or see them at all once they are born. It must be truly harrowing, breaking the heart of the expecting parents, but more so the woman who felt the child go still in her belly or felt the trickle of blood down her legs as her baby lets go of life. It must be equally painful knowing that the mother herself caused the miscarriage- such a dreadful and heart breaking loss. Perhaps these women felt not only grief and confusion but shame and anger. In this article, we tackle the painful and sobering experiences of women who confess how (or how they felt and believed) the miscarriage was their own doing.
15 “This Is My Fault, This Happened In SoulCycle”
There’s wine, there’s stress, there’s carrying heavy loads, and then there’s…cycling. Jen from California reacted first in disbelief at the idea that it was SoulCycle, an indoor cycling class that caused her baby to pass. Her friend told her she should not be going to SoulCycle while pregnant and thought that it might have been the case, then relented (“which is crazy,” she described the idea) but felt it might have been the cause anyway. Because she described how doctors couldn’t give her a reason for her loss, “so then you’re like, what is it that I did?”
Around a week after a particularly intense session, she started cramping and spotting, until finally on a Monday she confirmed that the baby had no more heartbeat. She was back at work two days after; although traumatic, she could not afford the space to stop and mourn because she was so busy. She described the whole ordeal as a “mind f*ck” because one day she was pregnant and suddenly she’s not, and in the middle of it all, it’s like “you never know what happened.”
14 “I Used Teeth Whitening Bleach”
A woman from South Wales under the username “happyfamily4” treaded the message boards of Momtastic Baby and Bump, wondering out loud if she had caused her miscarriage. At just 9 weeks, she lost her baby, and she believes, for the most part, it was her fault for using a product that was not recommended for pregnant women.
“I feel horrible and heartbroken!!!” she cried out in her words, retelling how she, at around the 6th week of her pregnancy, used a tooth whitening bleach product which said on the label that it was not recommended for pregnant women- even using it up to three times. “What if I swallowed bleach?” she wondered and thought she was the one who may have had a fault in the miscarriage because of the product. A lot of the comments to her post offered support and condolences, and one even recounted her own story of miscarriage that she felt was her fault too.
13 “I Should’ve Never Moved Those Heavy Boxes”
Dr. Petra Boynton could not believe that she had miscarried. She simply waved it off and pinned it on some spotting. After all, her friend went through the same thing, and her baby turned out fine and healthy. She would be fine. Except in the end, of course, she was not. Sooner, she discovered that she really was miscarrying (she left out details, but one can assume the bleeding got heavier, or there was severe cramping when there should not be). Then, her disbelief “shifted to self-blame.”
Her story was filled with confusion and guilt: she questioned the sex or the wine, and the stress (“I knew I should never have moved those heavy boxes, while making a space for the cot.”) dealing not only with physical strain but also emotional as well, given her relative’s serious illness. According to her, all the healthcare providers she encountered told her it was not her fault, but gave no answers as to what may have caused it. This led her to treat their words with a grain of salt and think that, at the time (now she believes that miscarriages are not the woman’s fault), “If they didn’t know what had caused it, how could they be so sure it wasn’t down to me?”
12 “I Usually Skipped Over The Miscarriage Portions In Books”
When people told her, maybe consolingly, or out of pity: “It wasn’t your fault”, Robin Cassady, ‘survivor’ of miscarriage, said: “Bullshit.” After a visit to the OBGYN and being told that her baby’s heart had stopped beating, it’s as if her world has fallen apart. She had a ‘missed miscarriage’, which is a miscarriage where the fetus dies but the body does not signal it (for example, the fetus is not expelled from the body), so the mother may still experience the signs of pregnancy.
In her article, she described how she usually skipped reading on the miscarriage portions in books, so as not to feel the negativity. Later, she realized she should have “studied the hell out of those”. She thought she was “safe” from the common miscarriage stage, at nearly four months pregnant. After her surgery, she recalls obsessively going through what she had done or could have done differently, which she described as how other women felt.
She described the ordeal as making her feel her empowered self and self-worth got lost, and how difficult it is not to feel that way. Perhaps, we can make our own conclusions from her words: that feeling your loss and your fault is a normal part of the process. But she ends her piece by telling women out there that there is hope, and they are still worth it.
11 “Was It The Cheese, Or Maybe The Flying?”
As she ventured to her doctor’s office, Mrs. Geelhart knew that something was wrong. Her nerves were jumping all over the place, and worry and fear had clouded her heart and mind. This was her follow-up appointment after her recent miscarriage.
Her reason for her apprehension? “I knew it was my fault. I blamed myself. “And finally seeing the OBGYN, she knew she would just confirm her greatest fear. She lost her “fourth angel” at 10 weeks, and she could only question the many things that may have caused it. Just in that recent time period, she went on a “girls’ weekend” with her mother and sister, where she ate soft mozzarella (she wondered if it was unpasteurized), drank some wine, and “walked 6 miles a day on average”, which she felt her body was not used to. She even wrote that it could be the flying, because she had issues with circulation, to the point she had to take baby aspirin. “I knew, in my heart, that losing the baby was my fault. It had to be,” she felt. Only much later, did she find out that the baby had an extra chromosome, but it did not make her fears and guilt any less real.
10 “I Drank 2 to 3 Glasses Every Day”
“Could I have caused my miscarriage?” a woman with the username Grape Jelly posted on the Essential Baby forum because she felt like she did (and said later on that in a twisted way, she hoped she did, but more on that later). She detailed that at 39 years old, she and her husband were trying for a second child (she had two miscarriages before her first son as well).
She recounted how they went on a family trip to the US and started bleeding at an unusual interval in her cycle, for she bled at regular periods. She thought it was failed implantation, so in their holiday, she drank a lot (“2 or 3 glasses every day”), “stumbled down alleyways singing songs” after date night, and drank Phenergan to help ease her insomnia. After trying again during her fertile period, she started spotting and just kept bleeding. It seems the fetus has been lost again. She did not go to the hospital, being in a different country. Later, she wondered if it was truly her fault, but hoped it was because if it was her fault, it means she could change things the next time and have a modicum of control.
9 “I Mixed Alcohol And Lortab”
Kim R confessed how she might’ve caused her baby to die after accidentally taking the wrong pill instead of her vitamins. She describes how frantic that day was packing for the vacation (which would be the week around which her baby died); her vitamins and Lortabs (an “opioid pain medication”) were contained in similar looking bottles, so thinking it was the vitamins, which was already packed away, she packed the Lortab bottle as well.
One night she noticed that it was Lortab she was taking instead of vitamins, having been accustomed to the same bottle being in the same place she kept getting it from. She recalled having drunk alcohol during the vacation; “Alcohol and Lortab is a HUGE no-no, even when not pregnant.” She exclaimed. “The timing was right”, she kept repeating, because her miscarriage happened at 14-15 weeks of pregnancy, which was when she was on the vacation.
8 “If I Had Not Told The Father About My Pregnancy…”
A woman from Shoresbrook looks back on her miscarriage that happened to her a year past. Her confession is short but haunting, and we could feel the regret and apprehension she has felt that past year, up until now. In her confession post, she recalls that she told her baby’s father about the pregnancy, and how this caused him extra stress, which passed from him to her.
There are no more additional details about their relationship, but maybe at the time it had been rocky (after all, what mother would not tell her significant other that she is pregnant if they both were readying up for it?). She posited that only if she did not inform him of her pregnancy, his wouldn’t have been stressing too much, which took a toll on her and caused her miscarriage. In sad words, she wrote: “There are times I feel I would have my baby today if I had not told the father about my pregnancy.”
7 “I Caused The Miscarriage By Blowing Up Balloons”
Stories of stress or drinking much alcohol are common cries from women who believe these may have caused their miscarriages, but this one from Danielle M is quite new. She believes that blowing up balloons for her son’s birthday may have caused her to miscarry!
She and her husband believed that she was around 7 weeks into the pregnancy, and they felt only excitement after the initial shock wore off. Around Friday night that week, she recounted how she blew up balloons for her son’s party, but as she was doing so, felt pressure “down where the baby would be” and so ceased her activities. Saturday morning saw her as continuously bleeding, which made her feel that her scan would show up empty. “I feel so guilty and I’m sure I must have caused it as I was putting a lot of pressure down there with every balloon I blew up,” she said but recounted how she felt a lot of cramping and back pain within that past week as well.
6 “It’s All My Fault”
A woman under the name “Fujita Vengeance” posted on the Baby Center community boards how she felt it was really her fault that her baby died at 10 weeks, saying she felt terrible and that she hates herself. Surely, such heart breaking loss would make any mother feel this way because the healing process is rough and is not easy, even if there is still hope at the end of the dark tunnel.
Fujita Vengeance lamented how she was clueless at her miscarriage (a missed miscarriage, perhaps), saying “I didn’t know until 2 weeks ago”; and because, a week before that, she was “drinking, smoking, and taking my pills for depression and panic disorder.” Could it be that it was a combination of those three that led to the baby’s demise? She surely thinks so: even crying out how she felt she killed her baby “without knowing it.”
5 “I Already Know What I Did Wrong”
“Even if he says it’s not my fault, my S.O. feels the same,” a woman only identified as “aka926” said in her post in the What to Expect forum. In her post, she recounted how she was a smoker (at the time she found out she was pregnant), and how she tried to quit the habit. Sadly, even with her efforts, her little angel was lost.
Her doctor had told her to taper it down and then quit, instead of going cold turkey, because she had strong anxiety and the additional stress may even cause the miscarriage. So over the course of the following weeks, she toned down from the usual pack a day, to five sticks, and then three. Her plan with her doctor was to finally quit when she entered the second semester because miscarriage likelihood “drastically drops”. Three days before her quit day, she discovered that her baby had no more heart beat. “I blame myself, wondering what I could have done, if I killed him by smoking,” she wondered.
4 “I Might Have Actually Killed My Baby By Overheating/Dehydration”
Not many mothers’ stories would tell the tale of a miscarriage due to dehydration. Could this be really what caused this particular mom her child? She surely thinks so. Sarah (we guess this might be her name since her username is “sarahlc2) recounted on the Baby Center community board how she miscarried at 6 weeks and 4 days.
As a gardener/ lawn mower, she worked the whole weekend (Friday to Sunday), and at that time it was overly hot. “I was breathing like I was exercising but I was trying to take it easy,” she said; she even mentioned she drank lots of water (“or so I thought”, she followed up ominously). When she got home she felt tired and realized that she had not been peeing, and had a bit of a headache too. Working from 9:30 am, she peed at around 6 that night, and that’s when she saw the bleeding. She worked the next day Sunday anyway; sadly, her bleeding did not stop that day, and on Monday her baby passed. “If it was from sat morning exercise would I have bleed (sic) that quickly?” she wondered, and finished her thoughts by saying that she read that exposure to increased temperatures for more than ten minutes “can hurt the baby”.
3 “I Think It Was Because I Was So Panicky”
This momma’s nerves just could not handle her situation. “Pink28”, from Sydney, Australia, took to the Health Boards to talk about her anxiety and how she believed it may have caused her miscarriage. Although already “33 and happily married”, she started getting nervous and anxious about the possible changes that pregnancy brought on, even to the point that she wondered if she really wanted a baby- a thought she labeled as ‘stupid’ in her message.
“Just anxious like usual”, she recalled how panicky she was telling people about her pregnancy. She lost her baby on a Sunday, just a few days from finding out about the news of her pregnancy (she found out on a Thursday before). She ended her post with a half-plea: “has anyone with anxiety or panic disorders gone on to have healthy babies?”
2 “Energy Drinks Caused My Miscarriage”
These were the words of Dion Parratt, an 18-year-old British woman who has suffered two miscarriages. She claimed her ‘severe’ addiction to energy drinks is what led to her having a heart problem, and caused her miscarriages. In her Facebook post, she recalled how she started consuming energy drinks at the young age of 11, even going so much as 5 cans a day.
“I’m now stuck with wires and a massive box attached to me for 24 hours.” She wrote, and went on to tell how her heart problem was diagnosed after the energy drinks already triggered two miscarriages. She has a low blood pressure and a pulse rate so low she passes out. She realized too late that if she “wanted a baby and a healthy life- [she] should stop”. She is “eager” to warn other people, parents especially, of the dangers of energy drink consumption.
1 “I Was Drug Addicted”
In a Whisper confession, a woman from Orleans posted how it was “clearly” her fault that her miscarriage happened. She starts off with an ominous “tonight will be the night I can’t sleep bc of the miscarriage”, and proceeds to confess how she was drug addicted.
Perhaps she was involved in hard drugs, which caused such miscarriage? Although, it looks like she garnered the strength and courage to quit, because in the latter half of her confession she said she has been one year clean; however, even then, she said “nothing hard since 2012 just pain pills”, which we can surmise is still part of her addiction. And even if it was not explicitly clear from her story which drugs caused her miscarriage (was it the hard drugs, and she was simply remembering a miscarriage that happened around 2012? or could it have been during a pregnancy wherein she was still involved with “just pain pills”?), she clearly knew it was her fault.
Sources: Telegraph, HuffingtonPost, FertilityAuthority, ScaryMommy, Disboards
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