Procreation 101: Intro to baby-making
- A quick double-check
Can you and your partner say, “Yes, we’re ready emotionally, mentally and financially for our own no-money-back, no returns, no warranty, tiny, helpless human who'll deprive us of sleep, cry and breastfeed constantly, puke, piss, and poop on us, our furniture and clothing, all the while demanding massive doses of patience, kindness and empathy beyond our current supplies... and much of our hard-earned cash for food, clothes and a warm safe home until they’re at least 18”?
- Infants are small, selfish, moist and noisy creatures
Their single greatest talent will be smiling and cooing adorably... usually directly after they’ve finally crapped their diaper. If this still sounds like the marvelous experience you've been dreaming of and you’re worried because you’re not yet pregnant after h*****g like bunnies for the past five months, relax.
- Don’t stress out about fears of infertility just yet.
Instead, start familiarizing yourself with the many joys of your cervical fluid as the first clear indication you’ve hatched an egg and it's time for the s***m patrol to hunt it down!
The white discharge you excrete in your underwear (aka cervical fluid) increases and becomes more slippery when you ovulate to facilitate s***m motility en route to your egg that awaits that superior s***m-shining-armor. The slightly gross but physically accurate take-home message is this: when you’re excreting egg-whites down there, get your man and hop in the sack and do it as often as you can!
- If all this classy cervical fluid talk is old news...
- Try a glass of red-wine beforehand
On the days you’re most likely to be ovulating, drinking a bit of wine ensures you’re actually having fun sex and not just mechanically acting as a viable s***m receptacle. For some reason yet to be explained by medical science, the people who have sex purely for fun, with no child in mind, end up the most likely to be baking unintended buns. (75% of pregnancies are unplanned!)
So you’ve been tracking your basal temperature and doing “it” dutifully in accordance with your egg-white excretions and warmer body temperatures, hang in there a few more months, you’re on the right track.