I'm hoping someone can help me. I had DS almost 14 months ago, but i'm still not fully 'over' his birth. Overall i got what i wanted, a healthy homewater birth so i feel as though i shouldn't complain.
But when i was only 4cm dilated my midwife shoved her whole arm up me without permission, i screamed and screamed for her to stop. She was trying to turn him from being back to back. It was absolutely horrific, and she did many more internals and touching that i did not want. I have been sexually abused so i don't know if that contributed to my hatred of these internals. (I hadn't slept for several days at the time and had a long labour. After they also took him away from me and out of the room, which i'm also still upset about bt that's irrelevant here). I have since spoken a little about it with my friend who also used this midwife as a secondary midwife during her birth, and she said her internals with her (not her primary midwife) were excruciating aswel.
Anyway, since the birth i haven't been able to handle any sex/penetration. It's been over a year and i know it can't be normal. Do you think it is a psyhchological thing or actual damage? I had no big tears.
My birthing experience was extremely frightening, it wasn't the pain I was frightened about but the whole idea of pushing. I also had a doctor break my water, without telling me what he was doing. Now at 3 months postpartum I am afraid I will never be able to have sex with my partner ever again. I can't let him near my privates.
I have been reading through some of the post, and I don't know if I was necessarily "birth raped" but I had a bad experience to me.
First off I really wanted to do a home birth, but my husband said no. I had no choice in the matter because that's what hospitals are for. :roll: ok sure hunny.
I hated my dr. She didn't care what I wanted. God forbid I wanted a natural birth, no meds at all. And it was holy damnation when I asked for a birthing ball as well. So here I am, not allowed to walk before they broke my water, not allowed to use the bathroom with my husbands help, I had to have a nurse present to watch me pee, but I was being ignored.
My dr wouldn't listen to me. I told her once she broke my water I could guarantee her I would be complete and ready to push about 30 minutes later. Gotta love as she rolled her eyes at me as she left. I told my husband I needed to push, and he shot up and ran out the room to get a nurse or dr. NO ONE was around because I guess it was mandatory for EVERYONE to be in the birthing room (Which was almost as big as a supply closet, tiny to begin with) with a patient, and not check on the patients. He finally found someone, and I told her he was coming, she told me to stop as she placed her hand in my vagina to hold his head in. I kicked her arm away and told her never to touch me or my son that way again, so she starts to yell at me telling me my son is going to his the floor if I push and I will kill him. At this point my husband gets at the end of the bed to catch him because he sees I can't stop from pushing. So the dr finally rushes in, and says, "You weren't kidding about 30 minutes were you?" in a sarcastic voice, God I wanted to slap her. (Mind you from the time the nurse walked in until now it's only been about 4 minutes) She kept telling me not to push she wasn't ready. I told her to do her job. At this point I was livid, livid with my self I didn't stand up to my husband and birth at home, livid he wouldn't allow me to birth at home, and livid I had to deal with her. With 3 pushes he was out. She proceeded to tell me because I couldn't stop from pushing his face hit my pelvic bone on the way down and was bruised. (His face was purple for 2 weeks) She told me I was a horrible mom putting my son through this pain because I couldn't stop pushing.
So fast forward to our room
I had an amazing nurse at first. Helped me get around. Got me his paci, even though I was EBF. Told off the nurses aid who was trying to bring formula in my room, and even made sure my husband had a secret stash of diapers and wipes for us to take home. It was all tooooooo good to be true. The next morning I was back in hell. My dr came in telling me I needed depo because I was 23 with 3 kids. I shouldn't have that many kids. My nurse decided I wasn't having my son latch right, and took him off my boob mid feed, and proceeded to try and grab my tit to place in his mouth to re latch him. I slapped her hand away and told her if she didn't give my son back I would have her head. My husband then made her leave the room, and I burst into tears. I felt to violated. I just wanted to leave, but we had to wait for them to look at his circumcision, and that wasn't happening until the dr that performed it came back in the morning. To top it off, the last day I was in the hosp, they brought another mom in my room, telling me their wasn't enough rooms open, and she needed somewhere to go. I was leaving soon so I could deal with it. So for 8 hours, not only did I see this woman and all her glory walking across the front of my bed 20 million times to get to the bathroom, she had her ENTIRE extended family walking in and out og the room, yelling HEY! every time they walked in, so sleep for me or Alexander, or my husband wasn't happening.
If I get pregnant before my husband deploys again, I WILL home birth, and he can kiss my big white fat ass, because I will be damned if I do that again.
Sad part is, my other two births in the hospital were worse than this one. :(
I have never had a horrific labor experience, but "rape" isn't just dicks in a vagina.....just wanted to say I support you all :)
Okay, so I don't know if this really sounds all that bad, but truth be told, I was really distressed. =/. It was the second most unpleseant experience in my life =/, and I feel like they made something I was supposed to remember happily into a miserable and annoying memory.
My first labor and delivery of my son was one that would make a 75 yr old woman want to go have kids, I made it look like a cake walk. Epidural went perfect (I'm terrified of natural labor, I nearly faint getting my blood taken), my OB was there who walked through the entire process, even made sure I was 100% alright with her giving me an episomy, and it didn't even phase me how quickly she got him out and handed to a nurse to clean up and bring back...But my second one went all wrong.
My son was done in 6 hours, so I knew this one was going to be shorter, and boy was it. we made it to the hospital an hour after my water broke, this time I decided I wanted to go as long as I could physically tolerate without the epidural..I made it two minutes longer this time before I was screaming and vomiting...But that's when it started. The doctor giving it to me never did them sitting up, yet, because of a nerve disorder, my muscles clamp around my spine when I lay down, so, he sat me back up and as soon as the needle hit which was after what felt like him punching me in the back because he ignored the nerve disorder COMPLETELY and it's painful for people to touch my spine btw, I cry when people just rub my shoulders, I was expecting the severe burning pain, but it went straight to the numb cramping, which had me concerned, but, I let it slide...Then, it took him 15 minutes of poking and prodding to get it 'right'. So I just calmed down, layed down and the nurse, which the only mistake she made she was nice at least, was she didn't give me the button. So for half an hour I was semi fine, yet suddenly the pain started back, I could feel the pressure, the cramps, and my pelvic area completely, yet my legs were completely numb and tingling. My adrenaline shot up and I began shaking violently, and then the nurse rushed back in to check me and all of a sudden I had dialated quicker than they thought I would. I started screaming that it was still hurting, that I could feel everything and I was starting to panic. That's where things went to hell. I found out my OB who I trusted and did so well with me and made sure I was comfortable before letting me push wasn't there when she told me she would be, that I had a new doctor who I'd only met once and din't know that well, and then the nurse has to get the caphiter in me. I told them no, that I could feel everything, my mom and fiance' started panicing because they knew I wasn't being squeamish for once. The doctor forced it on me and the nurse was holding my hand trying to calm me down. Well, after 10 minutes of pushing and screaming, I was begging for the episomy, I didn't care if it would hurt more. My daughter was coming out facing up, it was tearing me. Well guess what, the scare from my last episomy split wide open, down a half inch further, and then looped up over my left lip, and to the top of my pardon my language btw, clit. But it wasn't over yet because the head still wasn't fitting through, so I had to keep pushing through the tearing and the doctor rubbing the skin harder and harder even though I kept crying and wanting to stop. I nearly passed out, but finally I did one last push and kept up after they told me to stop and breathe. But the doctor tossed her on me, didn't set her, just kinda threw her in my arms when I was shaking and dizzy, and took her sweet time getting the nurse to get over and clean up my cold, screaming, infant. She ripped my placenta out, which I kept screaming through, and then for a half hour, through constant protests from my mother stitched me up saying 'It's just a few more stitches, just cosmetic to make everything look better.' 26 freegin stitches, and everything is lop sided.
by the time I got to breast feed my daughter I was exhausted, I felt cheated of my easy delivery I was looking forward to again, and until 10 am *I pushed her out at 2, wheeled to my room at 4 btw* I couldn't walk.
They fucked up my epidural severely, the most they could say was "We reported what happened, and we're sorry", they let me tear to a point that for 2 weeks I could barely sit down, and theres still pressure there 4 weeks later, and then sent me home with a jaundice baby, without telling me, a day after giving birth.
They ruined my opinion of a hospital I trusted with my care and my child's, and made it so that I can't pick up my son until I get a full clear from my OB who is going to get a god damn earful the second I get in there...
i was supost to have a home birth but my midwife would not go over 42 weeks. my water ended up breaking well so i thought around 41 weeks and some odd days ... well for 24 hours my midwife told me to relax and see where i was in 24 hours... so i ended up writing out a birth plan for the just in case which i truly didnt think was going to happen. well 24 hours later nothing the contractoins kicked up a little but nothing big... so my midwife said it was time to go to the hospital... omg that was the worst freaking ride of my life... we went to MsDanolds and had dinner.... then we left. i hate even thinking about this by the way.. we arived at the hospital it was around 9ish the nurse hooked me up to see if i was in labor the doctor came in who was taining but not new new. well he had to do the test to see if my water broke it came out it didnt. so they told me i had to stay since in like 15 hours i would have been 42 weeks... well i choose to stay they hooked me up and sarted me on antibiodics just in case they where wrong... it ended up burning my vains and arms so they odered something els... they told me they where going to induce at this point i felt nothing was going to happen i was 50% enterface and 1 cm well they started it i started walking around trying to help it go... well in the morning around 4 or 5ish i was screaming in pain i would take natrul labor anyday over thaat crap... well they told me they could give me the iv drug i was all for it they only gave me half the dose at this point i was about to go crazy from the pain... well about a hour later after i just fell asleep they woke me up to tell me who my new nurse was knowing i needed the sleep i was a bitch and told them i dont fucking care. i went back to sleep then 5 mins later she came in to talk to me about how the pain was at this point i screamed at her if i dont get the fucking epi im going to fucking go insane.... they had to check me i was crying at this point like to where i was having a hard time breathing... i was only one cm they odered the epi saying the pit wouldnt do the work for me. so the person who gives the epi came in i told them i deathly scared of needles. well i was crying in pain and so upset i was getting the epi but i needed it.... they forced me to put my legs on a chair and told my DH he could really touch me cuz it would mess them up. i was crying while she was doing it the nurse was yelling at me stop being such a baby hold still stop being a big baby blah blah blah it took 30 mins to get it in... well around lunch the other OB came in to check me still nothing... then the night came they check omg i was a two the doctor came in in the morning and told me i was most likely going to need a c sec and i was like i dont want to the doctor said i will give you till 7 pm and come back and talk to you about it.... i got to 3 cm and then 7 pm came as i cryed he said you want me to do this not someone who is going to practice you want me to take my time... i said ok.. they guy came in with the papers and had me sign it... i was crying and he told me hey everything is going to be ok hes really good and i will be right there. it now 9 pm and it been 3 days of labor... the epi faded away.. i told them i could feel the cath which ended up being laytex which i had on my rist band WARNING ALERGIC TO LATEX. around 11 pm they got me into the OR. the OB was saying sorry over and over again and switching the cath to a non latex and asking who did this. i was so out of it i knew it was it was this bitch of a nurse... well 11:26pm 10-29-10 my son was born 10lbs 9.1oz 21inch they found out why he wasnt coming out or even close to it his head was 37cm round. well they women who delt with my epi in the OR and all she was amazing she talked me threw it as i was freaking out telling me about how she had a c sec and how everything i was feeling was normal and it would be ok then asked me his name and all that... she kept my mind off of it. she made my hubby bring my little man over he looked at me with those new eyes... and she made one of the nurses back up and made one of my arms free so i could hold and kiss my baby. well they left the room my DH stayed by him the hole time... she gave me the good stuff to knock me out for a min and made me all looney while they where fixing me up. i was wheeled out of the room to my room i was staying in she made sure my son came with me and fallowed along.
well the after care was crap no eye junk and i agreed to the vit K shot b4 we left... well the nurses trewated my son like a rag doll and treated me like shit.. the nurse who pushed on my tummy the first time put all her wait into it and was polling her hand away and screaming no stop omg it feels like your going to rip me open. she pulled my pad up and said ok your good. they made me get up that same day and made me walk walk walk. the same nurse came in and i was having a little bit of a hard time getting him to latch so she grabed his head meanly and crabbed my boob and slammed his head on to my boob.. well after all this i wanted to go home they told me nothing at all about what happens after you have a baby. well as we where leaving they didnt even offer me a wheel chair i was on the 2ent floor just had a c sec 3 days back. they didnt warn me about post partum swelling none of that. i am very sure i now soffer from PTSD and i never ever want kids again i am 21 i wanted 2 but now i would rather adopt then have them cut open into me to get my child.
sorry about the miss spelling but it 4 am and im super tired.
This is my first baby. I haven't given birth yet, but I did have a traumatic experience with my old doctor.
I was about 4 months, it was the first time SO went to an appointment with me. It was fine at first, we got to hear the heartbeat and he grinned like a little boy on xmas, I thought it was going to be wonderful. Then the doctor (who by the way was NOT the doctor I was told I had an appt with) sat down and started talking about how I was feeling and everything. She noticed on my chart that at my last appt I'd said I was having trouble quitting smoking. She asked how I was doing, and I told her I was down to 1 maybe 2 a day, and that I wanted to quit completely but was trying not to stress myself out about it. She then spent about 10 minutes telling me I was killing my baby, and even if I did make it to delivery he'd probably either die at birth or from SIDS or something because his lungs would be messed up and it would be all my fault. I was already crying and THEN she said "now let's talk about your c-section". I went into shock because I KNEW that at my first appointment I had clearly stated I did not want a c-section, nor did I want to schedule my delivery unless absolutely necessary. I couldn't even speak, I was numb and crying to the point of almost hypervenilating. My poor boyfriend didn't know what to do, he knew I didn't want a c-section but he was so concerned with calming me down he couldn't get the doctor to stop talking.
I left that doctor's office and never went back, I've found a doctor who seems far more understanding but I'm still terrified after what that woman said to me. The worst part for me was, she got me so stressed out about the smoking thing that for the rest of the day I couldn't STOP smoking. And I'd start crying every time I lit a cigarette because I KNEW it was bad and I didn't WANT to smoke, but it was the only thing that kept my nerves even mildly calm. If I didn't smoke I'd just sit there and shake. I couldn't eat or anything. I was so upset. I've been very clear with SO about what I want to happen during delivery, and I'm hoping that this time he'll be able to speak up if something happens.
I have always been bothered by the experience I had while giving birth to my daughter. First off I went in to labor at 10 at night and wanted to wait out as much of the labor as possible at home before going to the hospital. But after only two hours of labor which really wadnt bad at all my mother and so kept pushing me and pushing me to go to the hospital. I didnt want to go yet but they started bothering me so much I finally caved and let them take me. Once at the hospital I had to go to one of those rooms with a bunch of beds with only curtains covering them while they examined my privates to see if i was dialated and how far and kept asking me questions while i was trying to breath through the pain. Once they got me to a private room five more nurses as well as student doctors came in and reexamined me... Yes all of them and yes without my premission and not ten minutes after they had just examined me. After everyone left the room and I was trying to rest they next thing i know the room is full of people. My so's entire family my family even people that I barely know that went to church with my so. When the nurse would come in to check me no one would leave and she never asked anyone to leave. I kept telling my so to get everyone out but hejus ignored me. Then when ai was trying to get comfortable so I could rest the nurses came in and told me i could only lay on my left side because the babys heartbeat got lower when i tried to lay in anyother position. I was completely uncomfortable but out of concern for my child did so without complaint. Finally when it came time to push I told the nurse that had just come to chech on me that the baby was coming and she needed to get the doctor in there now. She just acted like I didnt know what I was talking about and said that it just felt that way. I had to argue with her for five mi tues before she checked me. After she checked me she said nothing ans left the room without so much as looking me in the face. Seconds later my doctor comes in with two different nurses and they have to rush everyone out of the room so I can begin pushing. While pushing the nurses where very rude and gave me no time to breath between contractions they also forced me to wear a oxygen mask while pushing because they said the babys heart rate was droping. It was incredibly uncomfortable and burned everytime I breathed in. After 30 mins of pushing my daughter was out. Though it wasnt until after the fact that I found out my mother had taken pictures of her head sticking out of my privates which i has strickly forbidden before hand. After they layed my daughter on me the doctor without warning stuch his whole arm inside me and ripped out the placenta. Then proceeded to stich me up and leave without another word.
Ok, I've read through a lot more, and am having some questions now about what SHOULD happen. I went to the hospital at 1am a few weeks ago because I thought I was having contractions at 27 weeks. Well I get there, and even though I can time them exactly, and they fit the description of contractions perfectly, the machine wasn't reading them so they said I was just having cramps. Personally I've never known cramps to make your entire stomach hard and your back hurt for 45 seconds every 6 minutes, but w/e. Well, I was placed in triage for monitoring. I was the ONLY ONE THERE, and still no one was around. 3 times I had to send SO to find me a nurse because I needed to pee and there was so much stuff hooked up to me. She came in and asked if I wanted some water, and I said yes please, and 45 minutes later I got a cup of ice chips. I'm still the only patient there, with 3 nurses! Eventually I had to pee again and I just said Eff it and unhooked myself from the fetal monitors and went to the bathroom. When I got back I couldn't figure out where everything went again, but apparently they weren't even watching because I remained unhooked until the actual doctor came.
Meanwhile, during all this, I'm having my cervix checked about every 30 minutes (even though supposedly I wasn't even having real contractions) by not one but 2 nurses! The first one would check, then the second one would immediately double check! (I'm so glad to find out I'm not just a wimp and that shit really does hurt other women too). They were so far inside me that one time after they left, SO asked me if they were checking inside my ass too....and he was serious! The doctor came and checked me again right at the very end, bring me to a grand total of 9 checks in 3 1/2 hours. I was discharged at 430 in the morning and was told only "it's cramps, you'll know when it's real, come back then". It was so late that SO and I had to walk home 9 blocks (which I had told the nurses we would have to walk home if they discharged us before the 6am shuttle), and bullshit they weren't real contractions cuz I kept having to stop moving and a few times SO caught me from falling. I just went home, took a tylenol, and went to sleep. I was fine the next day thankfully. But I had no idea it wasn't normal to get checked that often. I knew back to back was odd, but I wrote it off as one maybe being a student or something.
How often is acceptable for cervical checks?
It's been a while since anyone has posted in here, how is everyone?
i lost this thread :) hi ladies. i'll update soon about how healing my home birth was.
Quoting tandem mama *OKGFB*:" i lost this thread :) hi ladies. i'll update soon about how healing my home birth was."
Oh mine too! Actually let me go ahead and do that..I don't remember if I ever talked about my birth rape on here but after my first son was born my midwife put her whole hand/arm inside me while I was screaming "No, Stop, Don't touch me" and I was being held down by the nurses. It was horrific.
With my second baby I had a healing home birth..afterward I had lots of bleeding and my midwife started to do the same thing (manually extracting clots) and I screamed "NO!" at which point the birth assistant grabbed my hand and said "It's ok, take a deep breath" and I said "No, do NOT do that, that's what traumatized me about my first birth, don't do it." And she didn't. I should have talked to her about it before that point but it was hard for me to talk about until I was confronted with it again. So much better this time. :)
Both stories are in my profile!
Oh my gosh, I never knew this thread existed. I will be reading all of it over the next few days I hope. Just the first few pages have brought tears to my eyes. What I went through isn't as extreme as what some of you have been through, but it was terribly traumatic for me and I don't think I will ever get over it. I pray every day that I will be able to have a peaceful, non-traumatic birth this time. It was just so horrible and I didn't know there was any other way. I will share my story tomorrow or Thursday when I have time to cry and type it all out. I am so relieved to find other people who understand.