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Cast Your Vote:

    • I was abused as a child & am looking for support -- Votes: 29
    • I was abused as a child & can support others who've suffered -- Votes: 89
    • I have abused my children & am looking to change -- Votes: 16
    • I'm not sure if I'm being abusive, but I'm worried I might be -- Votes: 43
    • I was abused & am worried I'll start abusing in the future -- Votes: 22
    • I was not abused & am looking to give support -- Votes: 127
Ravey Candyass 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Boston, Massachusetts 104951 posts
1st Mar '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mara:</b>" self-medicating isn't going to help you develop better coping mechanisms and you know it. you also know ... [snip!] ... - just curious ... are we talking about flashbacks that induce an anxiety attack? what exactly is triggering in this context?"</blockquote>




Yeah. The crying throws me into panic attacks. And I have no ativan, because well, I abused that.

smASHface 3 kids; 1 angel baby; French Lick, IN, United States 48533 posts
1st Mar '12
Quoting Ravey Candyass:" Idk if this goes here but meh. Last night, fathead was throwing a tantrum. And the way she was screaming ... [snip!] ... if her tantrums trigger me like that? Carl was here this time, but what if he isn't next time? I'm at such a comp,ete loss."

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to give you advice but I think about you a lot and always hope you're doing okay.

Mara Due September 27 (girl); 2 kids; San Francisco, California 38964 posts
1st Mar '12
Quoting Ravey Candyass:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mara:</b>" self-medicating isn't going to help you develop ... [snip!] ... Yeah. The crying throws me into panic attacks. And I have no ativan, because well, I abused that."


wouldn't you like to know how to control your anxiety w/out chemical assistance?



to control that reaction?



to know that you have that capacity - rather than immediately assume you need to consume substance x in order to achieve a calm state of mind.



i think you're capable of it. i see someone who's self-aware enough to develop that mental discipline. am i wrong?

Ravey Candyass 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Boston, Massachusetts 104951 posts
1st Mar '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting 3LittleMonkeys:</b>" I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to give you advice but I think about you a lot and always hope you're doing okay. "</blockquote>




:oops: <3

Ravey Candyass 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Boston, Massachusetts 104951 posts
1st Mar '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mara:</b>" wouldn't you like to know how to control your anxiety w/out chemical assistance? to control that reaction? ... [snip!] ... of mind. i think you're capable of it. i see someone who's self-aware enough to develop that mental discipline. am i wrong? "</blockquote>



Oh I need to. I've been trying to work on it. I've made it through some smaller panic attacks, but I'm still working on the large ones

Mara Due September 27 (girl); 2 kids; San Francisco, California 38964 posts
1st Mar '12
Quoting Ravey Candyass:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Mara:</b>" wouldn't you like to know how to control your anxiety ... [snip!] ... to. I've been trying to work on it. I've made it through some smaller panic attacks, but I'm still working on the large ones"


good woman.



you can do this. i know it. i know you're smart enough and strong enough.



PM me if you ever need a quick SHOT of perspective... i won't fry your braincells... or feed your addiction loop.

Ravey Candyass 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Boston, Massachusetts 104951 posts
1st Mar '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mara:</b>" good woman. you can do this. i know it. i know you're smart enough and strong enough. PM me if you ... [snip!] ... enough. PM me if you ever need a quick SHOT of perspective... i won't fry your braincells... or feed your addiction loop. "</blockquote>



Thank you

smASHface 3 kids; 1 angel baby; French Lick, IN, United States 48533 posts
1st Mar '12
Quoting Ravey Candyass:" <blockquote><b>Quoting 3LittleMonkeys:</b>" I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to give ... [snip!] ... begin to give you advice but I think about you a lot and always hope you're doing okay. "</blockquote> :oops: <3"

Mara's always right too, you can do this. You're a very smart and very aware of what your issues are. Now, just train yourself in ways to control yourself in these moments. I can't speak too much cause I need to take my own damn advice sometimes but, in the moment, I get overwhelmed by it all and forget to calm myself down

BG Secrets Arizona 4906 posts
2nd Apr '12

I don't know why or when my mentally changed on things. I hit my 9 month old. I have PPD, and I know this. It's pretty bad. I've pictured myself shaking her, punching her, and I have yelled at her. I still yell at her. Lately, things have gotten worse, and physical. Why am I hitting her? It doesn't make things better :? My depression has gotten really bad lately. Sleep affects it a lot and my daughter never fucking sleeps. SO is always working and he doesn't live with us so I get no help with her. And now she sick so it makes things so much worse. I feel bad that she's sick and understand she can't communicate with me other than crying, but her crying is really starting to piss me off. I get so frustrated with her. So I spank her. When she grabs and pinches my nipples, I slap her hand. She she kicks her feet into a shitty diaper, I slap her leg. Why am I spanking a baby? My baby? I love her. I really do. But I have no idea how to deal with my anger towards her. When I walk away from her to take a breather I swear she gets louder. I go outside and I can still hear her. I hate the sound of her cry. It makes me mad and stressed. I yell at her to shut the fuck up.
I don't know why I'm doing this. I'm unable to get help for my PPD. I literally have no money to spend on medications or doctors visits. I have insurance, but like I said, I can't afford co pays and such. And that makes me even more frustrated, knowing I can't get help. I've tried getting help through my city and county, but I don't qualify for anything because I have private insurance.
I hate this :cry:

Mara Due September 27 (girl); 2 kids; San Francisco, California 38964 posts
2nd Apr '12
Quoting BG Secrets:" I don't know why or when my mentally changed on things. I hit my 9 month old. I have PPD, and I know ... [snip!] ... getting help through my city and county, but I don't qualify for anything because I have private insurance. I hate this :cry:"


do you have any family or friends you can rely on? who you can leave your daughter w/?



PPD isn't leading you to be angry -- you're resenting being trapped w/ her, which is making PPD more serious...



imagine being your daughter.



imaging how confusing and terrifying (and enraging) it is to have her own mother treating her like this.



every time you feel the surge of anger at her, breathe deeply count to ten and put yourself in her tiny helpless shoes.



you need support -- plain and simple. keep looking - don't give up just b/c you don't have any obvious options.



no one is supposed to be raising an infant alone w/out the help of family and loved ones. but in the meantime, you need to take yourself to task to save yourself from traumatizing your very sensitive daughter.

Phallus Cranium cocksuck, LA, Sri Lanka 108824 posts
2nd Apr '12
Quoting BG Secrets:" I don't know why or when my mentally changed on things. I hit my 9 month old. I have PPD, and I know ... [snip!] ... getting help through my city and county, but I don't qualify for anything because I have private insurance. I hate this :cry:"


Can you call your OB and explain that while you need the help now, you need more time to come up with the copayment?
I have had doctors do that for me before.

You really need to find a way to address it soon, before it gets any worse :(

Can anyone watch your lo for you so you can take a breather?

BG Secrets Arizona 4906 posts
2nd Apr '12
Quoting Mara:" do you have any family or friends you can rely on? who you can leave your daughter w/? PPD isn't leading ... [snip!] ... ones. but in the meantime, you need to take yourself to task to save yourself from traumatizing your very sensitive daughter. "


On most days it's just me & her. My sister has offered to take her for a while today so I can get some sleep. Imagining myself as her, makes me fucking hate myself :(

BG Secrets Arizona 4906 posts
2nd Apr '12
Quoting .Colleen.:" Can you call your OB and explain that while you need the help now, you need more time to come up with ... [snip!] ... to find a way to address it soon, before it gets any worse :( Can anyone watch your lo for you so you can take a breather?"


I didn't even think that was possible. Thank you.

Phallus Cranium cocksuck, LA, Sri Lanka 108824 posts
2nd Apr '12
Quoting BG Secrets:" I didn't even think that was possible. Thank you."

best of luck to you

Pot Quartzsite, Arizona 14734 posts
2nd Apr '12
Quoting BG Secrets:" I don't know why or when my mentally changed on things. I hit my 9 month old. I have PPD, and I know ... [snip!] ... getting help through my city and county, but I don't qualify for anything because I have private insurance. I hate this :cry:"


Can you try OTC things in the meantime? Get out of the house, exercise. Stand outside in the fresh air for 10 min.



Sitting on the couch inside made me go mad. Dont do it. Get out. The house walls will cave in on you, I know, I was there.



I hope you find help.. A pill changed my life.