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Should I be upset? Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12

I'm not sure if this is even the place to post this, if it isn't, I have no problem deleting.
Before I get into what's currently upsetting me, I'll give a little back story. Back in August I went for my 20 week anatomy scan, the ultrasound tech told my SO and I that our baby would be a boy and we were so happy, we already had a named picked out. His name would be James. The tech told us to wait in the room to speak with the midwives, like any other normal OB appointment I had gone to. When my midwife came in she told us they found severe heart/spine abnormalities in my baby. She couldn't answer most of our questions as I needed to go and see a specialist. That was the beginning of my on going heart break.



They made me an appointment for a specialist in Boston for the next day. My SO, mom, MIL and I all went, and had multiple ultrasounds done. They confirmed that his heart was not formed right, that he has hypoplastic left heart syndrome, and that his spine definitely wasn't right, but that they would need more images and an MRI done. So fast forward to 3 weeks later, they have done every test they can. They confirmed his spine was formed completely wrong, they also discovered his ribs weren't formed right either, some were missing and some were fused together. They informed SO and I that his lungs wouldn't grow properly and and he would, in a best case scenario, would require oxygen/breathing tube for his entire life. He would require many surgeries (3 for his heart alone, the first being within a week or two of birth), and the outcome wasn't good. They said that basically all they could offer was comfort care, for when he was born, but they weren't confident that he would even make it to term, they believed that he would die inside of me.



SO and I were devastated, we wanted him more then anything, and to have this happen crushed us. We talked a lot about it, and we decided the best thing for us to do was to terminate. We didn't want him to have to have one ounce of suffering, let alone if he lived have such a poor quality of life. I decided to go through with labor, and when he was born at 23 weeks, I got to see him, hold him and take pictures, along with getting him cremated. I cry for him every day and only wish things could have turned out drastically different.



On to why I'm currently upset, SO's brother and gf are expecting a little boy due in July, and my soon to be MIL told us that one of the names they picked out is James. I understand why they want it, (it's her father's name), but I'm really angry they're thinking about it. I understand my James isn't here, he didn't get to live. Yet, I know they wouldn't pick this name if James was here, because they would be the only grandsons, and it would be confusing. I don't really care if she were to use it for a middle name, but using it as a first makes me feel like in a way they aren't respecting my son, or SO and I. I also am fully aware no one "owns" the right to a name, and I probably shouldn't be upset but I can't help it. :(



Am I completely wrong in feeling like this? Everything is still really fresh to me, I lost my son in August and he was due in December, so I'm still grieving pretty heavily.

anonymom + 1.5 2 kids; West Virginia 10774 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting Lanni:" I'm not sure if this is even the place to post this, if it isn't, I have no problem deleting. Before ... [snip!] ... is still really fresh to me, I lost my son in August and he was due in December, so I'm still grieving pretty heavily. "


You have a right to your emotions, and that's that.
That being said, you can't really control this situation. If you think it'll lead to an argument, maybe you could have a calm discussion about it.



I'm so sorry for your loss mama.

:)!* Due May 25; 1 child; Washington 396 posts
5th Mar '12

I think you should talk to them and let them know how you feel about it. I am so sorry for your loss.

Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting anonymom:" You have a right to your emotions, and that's that. That being said, you can't really control this ... [snip!] ... If you think it'll lead to an argument, maybe you could have a calm discussion about it. I'm so sorry for your loss mama."


Thank you, I don't think an argument is really an issue. I don't really speak to his brother because of the decisions he's made, I'm always respectful, but avoid it when I can. I did tell his mom, how I feel about it, and I'm sure she'll pass it on, because I know they weren't certain how SO and I would feel about it. I know I'll be around the baby when he is born though, because his brother has a history of kind of putting his kids on his mom.

Zoey's My World Due May 5; 1 child; New York 2123 posts
5th Mar '12

You have the right to be upset. Your son already has that name so it's not like you were saving it for a baby in the future or something. I would try and talk to them and tell them how you feel about the situation. Sorry for your loss. :(

Stu Padasso 2 kids; Henderson, Nevada 14638 posts
5th Mar '12

I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you seeing anyone right now? A counselor or anything, someone that you could tell these things to and they could offer support?

P3RvYmCp3rv 2 kids; Carlyle, Illinois 11903 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting anonymom:" You have a right to your emotions, and that's that. That being said, you can't really control this ... [snip!] ... If you think it'll lead to an argument, maybe you could have a calm discussion about it. I'm so sorry for your loss mama."


This!!!



It is okay to feel hurt and mad. Perfectly healthy to actually. :) Just remember though no matter what your baby is your baby..and nobody using the same name can EVER replace him!

Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting Love my babygirl:" You have the right to be upset. Your son already has that name so it's not like you were saving it for ... [snip!] ... the future or something. I would try and talk to them and tell them how you feel about the situation. Sorry for your loss. :("


I'm glad that I'm not the only one who sees it like that. I mean, I'm well aware my son didn't make it to term, but it was his name, the second we found out he was a boy, we didn't call him anything but James.



I won't personally be talking to him, but I told his mom how I felt and I know she'll pass it on. I think that's why she told us, so we could be prepared in case they do choose that name and so she can tell them how SO and I feel about it.

Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting P3RvYmCp3rv:" This!!! It is okay to feel hurt and mad. Perfectly healthy to actually. :) Just remember though no matter what your baby is your baby..and nobody using the same name can EVER replace him!"


I know that no one could replace him, he was one of a kind even in the womb, lol. I just wanted to ask since part of me feels wrong for feeling the way i do.

anonymom + 1.5 2 kids; West Virginia 10774 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting P3RvYmCp3rv:" This!!! It is okay to feel hurt and mad. Perfectly healthy to actually. :) Just remember though no matter what your baby is your baby..and nobody using the same name can EVER replace him!"


This is so true!
One of my best friends went through something similar. The best way I see her coping is that she incorporates her late son into her life as much as possible. He was 23 wks ges. and his ashes are in her kitchen. She talks about him, open and honestly. She tells me she misses him, and misses that chance. No one is ever going to take him away from you. I just hope that they can consider your feelings, too.

P3RvYmCp3rv 2 kids; Carlyle, Illinois 11903 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting Lanni:" I know that no one could replace him, he was one of a kind even in the womb, lol. I just wanted to ask since part of me feels wrong for feeling the way i do. "


Nope you are most definitely not wrong for feeling that way. :) Don't try to dismiss your emotions hunny! It only makes things worse. <3

Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting Stu Padasso:" I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you seeing anyone right now? A counselor or anything, someone that you could tell these things to and they could offer support?"


I did go see one counselor about it, my midwife recommended her, but we didn't "click" if that makes sense, she made me feel uncomfortable and kept bringing up religion even after I told her that I simply didn't (and after this) couldn't believe. I've been looking around again, but I don't know if I'm ready to talk either.

P3RvYmCp3rv 2 kids; Carlyle, Illinois 11903 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting Lanni:" I did go see one counselor about it, my midwife recommended her, but we didn't "click" if that makes ... [snip!] ... simply didn't (and after this) couldn't believe. I've been looking around again, but I don't know if I'm ready to talk either. "

It takes a while to find one that you will click with but once you find that one the talking will come naturally!

Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting P3RvYmCp3rv:" Nope you are most definitely not wrong for feeling that way. :) Don't try to dismiss your emotions hunny! It only makes things worse. <3"


Thanks, I'm someone who gets really freaked out by what people think, so I always try to not come off as b***h, or anything. All I can say is thank goodness for my mom, SO, MIL and my bestfriend or I have no idea where I'd be right now.



And again, thank you for your kind words <3

Lanni 16 kids; New Hampshire 748 posts
5th Mar '12
Quoting P3RvYmCp3rv:" It takes a while to find one that you will click with but once you find that one the talking will come naturally!"


That's what I've heard. I just haven't quite gotten the motivation to I suppose. :P