Quoting Jheri Ames:" What about those kids not having a Mother? This is what's wrong with society. People have kids and then ... [snip!] ... not trying to be insensitive but I loathe the way you speak as if your kids hold some sort of precedence over your "step kids"."
I didn't read that. I seen that thats the way the family thinks she acts. but she stated she loves the kids just differently than her own. WHICH is understandable. I mean if this has been going on for a long time (which she hasn't stated the time length) then theres only so much one person can take. If she doesn't treat them any different than her own, she shouldn't have to tolerate their disrespect because I'm sure she wouldn't tolerate it from her own
counseling and behavior therapy is your best bet......what ever therapy they got in the beginning was ruined by their mother coming back!
Yikes! I agree w/ the others. You need to stand up for yourself and enforce discipline. If they threaten to call the cops, tell them to go ahead. If you're doing nothing illegal (beating them, etc), the cops won't do anything. If they've hid your computer, strip down their room and find it. Take the door off the hinges and make them earn back their stuff. Tell them everyday one on one that you love them. And get them and yourself in counseling!!
If at all possible, get their dad home. They are probably acting worse now because yet another parent is gone and they can act out w/ you. You're outnumbered.
i'm a step mom of 2 and what i do is when we have them i take one out a day and spend the day with them they get to pick what we do and i love them as if they are my own (so can't help you there)
Those kids need discipline and therapy, but you also need family therapy. It's not right for you to get into screaming matches with them, because YOU are the adult. Take their shit away, and let them call the cops. They don't deserve to be loved any less than your own children, i understand it might be hard but maybe they can tell that you care more for your own children than you do for them. If their mother is the problem is it possible to cut her out of the picture or do supervised visits?
Just want to share with you what my kids' psychologist shared with me when they were recovering from traumatic experiences with their biological dad: messed up kids will act out the most with the person they trust the most. They have a lot of pent up frustration and the only "safe" place to let it out is with you... because they know you won't abandon them.
It got tough for me (yes I only have the two and you're dealing with so many more---I feel for you!) but there were actually months worth of my 6-year-old flipping out so bad with me that his little 50 pound self took all 150 pounds of me right down to the ground, punching and kicking me.
With steady work with the therapist we made it through. They're great kids now.
Good luck OP! I hope you can work this out!
Oh and I will say this, kids pick up on things every easily, even if you think you do not show that you love them differently they will pick up on it. Trust me, I grew up in a house where I was not the biological child and it was evident from a very young to me that I was treated differently to the biological children.
Quoting 5 blessings so far....:" those children really need therapy and discipline......if they want to call the cops, let them! my best ... [snip!] ... like that cant function between 2 different sets of rules at w/each parent. its a tough situation and i will be praying 4 u!"
the oldest is in the same situation as your ss...he started using drugs after he met up with his mother who is a known meth head and prostitute... weve already been drug thru the court system he is in treatment now but was in foster care.
thank you for the prayers our family does need it!
also when ever my step kids (ages 3& 5) act up or do something wrong i take away something that is their fave item
Quoting BG Secrets:" i think they are coming to that too...they already have NO respect for me...they call me names...i ... [snip!] ... until 2-3yrs ago they were such angels ...i couldnt get enough of them...i dont know what changed. their ages are 14, 12, 11"
You do not just flat out get respect it has to be earned, even as the parental figure you have to earn the respect. It is evident from your posts in here that you feel differently about them than your bio kids and they will be picking that up, coupled with the abandonment of their bio mum, those kids are suffering and lashing out.
It is turning into an us against them battle, these kids need to feel secure and loved, not resented. Have you tried positive reinforcement? Even with kids as old as they are it can make a world of difference to take the focus off the bad stuff and put it on the good stuff, no matter how small the good stuff is.
Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" Oh and I will say this, kids pick up on things every easily, even if you think you do not show that you ... [snip!] ... not the biological child and it was evident from a very young to me that I was treated differently to the biological children. "
i try not to treat them differently..i do ...my kids get disciplined the same if not more than my step kids.
they get into fights with me if i get the kids a $1 toy from target or something..something that isnt their age appropriate...that will set them off or my sisters getting the kids something and not them...i cant make my sisters buy them things..
but i do have a different love towards them...but i love them... i tell them it too. i just dont know what they want from me...
i do everything for them...i mean everything.. dh works i SAH
why cant they respect me like they do their dad ...
oh and when they are super mad at me i get the
" we dont have to listen to you you arent our mother!"
yet they call me mom and when they need something i am the best!
Quoting ... :/ ...:" Those kids need discipline and therapy, but you also need family therapy. It's not right for you to get ... [snip!] ... than you do for them. If their mother is the problem is it possible to cut her out of the picture or do supervised visits?"
They are old enough that they can probably tell how you feel. I have two step kids who I love endlessly, would do anything for, but if they were ever to treat me differently than any other adult or with any less respect, I would intervene. I think acting like they get a free pass would be showing them I expect less of them.
Do you tell them you love them and hug them everyday? Sometimes kids mostly act out when they aren't feeling loved and they do crazy things. But you definitely need therapy. it will help you all
Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" You do not just flat out get respect it has to be earned, even as the parental figure you have to earn ... [snip!] ... a world of difference to take the focus off the bad stuff and put it on the good stuff, no matter how small the good stuff is."
i understand this and thank you for your advice.
ya know i have tried positive reinforcement but i should try harder. i tend to look at the bad with EVERYTHING not just them i need to focus on the good things more. it could help.
It is apparent they need help and so do you. Question is how to go about it and what kind of help! You are alone and seems like you are scared of these children instead of them being scared of you. As for when the computer was taken, I would have called the cops and had them scare the crap out him so he would return it to you without you having to give him his stuff back. There are ways around things but learning how to deal with it and be the smarter one is the question. For what ever reason, somewhere and somehow, you ended up being the one they hate, but have you tried to change that with them? It seems as though you need to take your kids and bring them somewhere else and sit down with the step kids to get a hold of things. Your DH can only support you from where he is, so suck it up and take control. Conseling needs to be for all of you including your kids too and yourself. You have got to get to the bottom of things and see why they hate you soooo much. Cops will back you up as long as you did not hit the kids. Spanking and hitting are two different things. I have a step son and I know how different it is. I too, have a hard time and he is 9 but he knows not to mess with me. Sounds like your step kids are spoiled and use to getting their way! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! You can email me anytime if you come across a situation and need advice on what to do...I am a master mine to figure things out to help out both sides. email@example.com Email me anytime!