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user banned Des Moines, Iowa 1848 posts
6th Apr '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Baylee398:</b>" Would u marry a man who was not financially stable even if he is loving, loyal ect..? Heres what i ... [snip!] ... But for me it just doesn't cut it. Financial troubles cause problems in a marriage even though he is loyal, loving ect..."</blockquote>




Haven't read any responses because this immediately got me thinking about my ex husband.



We got married when I was twenty, and he completely lacked financial stability. He had a high paying job as a roofer, but no work ethic, and with it being seasonal work (where he would never find a temporary job to make up for dead time) and his lack of work ethic (constant no shows) he barely made 16 k a year. I was going to school full time and raising kids well into our marriage as we could not afford daycare expenses. I also squeeze in part time work on top of this.
For the time we were dating and the earlier parts of our marriage, I overlooked our financial situation because it seemed there really was a potential for things to get better. Then we moved to Alaska so I could finish my schooling.



Things went really poorly for us. My ex developed a pill addiction which he hid from me, and we never had any money to pay our bills. Our heat and electricity got shut off more times than I can remember, and this was a serious problem as we lived in Alaska when things went down the shitter.




Our relationship became very volatile due to the financial stress (and I would imagine due to the burden he carried of hiding a drug habit). I ultimately left him shortly after the birth of my second daughter. I realized that he was never going to change. I could not put my children in this situation any longer. I have never had unrealistic expectations, but I felt strongly that my children and I deserved a home of our own and a life free from the unnecessary woes of poverty.



I left him in early 2008. We are still friends, we text frequently throughout the week. But he is no father. He has not contacted his daughters since I left him. And he is exactly the same as he was when I left him. Still dealing with drug problems, and employment issues. I feel really bad for him, though. He had a great personality, he loved me deeply, and he was a really smart guy. Unfortunately, his parents were on the extreme end of alcoholism and dug addiction, and I believe this played into his personal problems with succeeding in life.



He has now decided to give my daughters up for adoption to my DH. My DH is actually at the bank sending him money so he can pay for a notary. I feel sad that he is not a part of my girls life, but he is welcome to see them whenever he can get his act together and fly out. I actually have a lot of respect for him for making this decision. I imagine it was really difficult for him, but he has provided an ultimate kindness for my daughters in this act.

user banned California 29193 posts
6th Apr '12
Quoting Baylee398:" Would u marry a man who was not financially stable even if he is loving, loyal ect..? Heres what i ... [snip!] ... But for me it just doesn't cut it. Financial troubles cause problems in a marriage even though he is loyal, loving ect..."


Depends on why he's not financially stable--is he just chronically irresponsible with money, like a big spender with a small income? Then no. But if he was unstable because he was in school, or going through a career change, or even had been laid off from a forever job...then yes, absolutely. Because the latter are all short-term, and if he had other outstanding qualities then he would still be more than worth me picking up the slack for a while. :D

FroggysMommy 1 child; Golden, Colorado 27046 posts
6th Apr '12
Quoting ♥Bug & Bubba♥:" Yes... Because shit happens. Even if he was financially stable when getting married, it doesn't mean he will be forever...."


This.



My SO has custody of a son and doesn't accept child support from his ex. He struggles. He works his ass off to put himself through college and his career will not make a lot of money. Neither will mine. We will struggle together. He struggles all the time. But ya know what? He works his ASS off for his child. He has had custody since day one. He has stepped up as a man more than most woman do. He has been my best friend for almost half my life. He has been there for me when my daughters father hasn't been. That means WAY more than freaking money to me.



He bought his own house, and it isnt a mansion. He still struggles. He lives a meager life. There are times he is scrapping change for food and is eating spaghetti days in a row for dinner. But I want to marry him because the money in the bank doesnt mean shit to me... him being financially stable doesnt mean more than what he gives me in my heart and brain.



He's my best friend and soulmate... that means more than money. We can be poor together :)

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11596 posts
6th Apr '12

Honestly, I'll get a lot of crap for this, but no. I've been there and done that and each time it was because the guy simply didn't have their shit together. Their priorities were fucked and they were in debt. I was with one man for two years and he had people constantly calling him looking for payments on a five year old hospital bill or a credit card from three years before. It was ridiculous and it stressed both of us out so much. I ended up shouldering most of our costs and that made me completely and utterly broke. It was awful and I would never wanna do it again, especially not with a child.



I think it says a lot about a person if they can't have their finances in order. Does it make them a bad person? Of course not. Does it mean they probably have their priorities out of whack and aren't good with budgeting? You bet.

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11596 posts
6th Apr '12
Quoting First Time Go:" Depends on why he's not financially stable--is he just chronically irresponsible with money, like a ... [snip!] ... and if he had other outstanding qualities then he would still be more than worth me picking up the slack for a while. :D"

This too. It does make a difference as to why he's financially unstable.

snglemama 4 kids; Georgia 11978 posts
8th Apr '12
Quoting Raptor Jesus:" Honestly, I'll get a lot of crap for this, but no. I've been there and done that and each time it was ... [snip!] ... person? Of course not. Does it mean they probably have their priorities out of whack and aren't good with budgeting? You bet. "


your raptor jesus avi cracks me up... mostly because of the irony. You always have extremely well thought out and well said posts. Then your crazy avi makes me laugh

user banned Des Moines, Iowa 1848 posts
8th Apr '12

I agree with Snglemama.



I'm a fan, Raptor

user banned Japan 41 posts
10th Feb '13

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Sherri + 3 LLC 3 kids; Mesa, Arizona 3758 posts
10th Feb '13

Yes. My DH was not financially stable when I met him. I fell in love with him and I was gonna ride it out no matter which way it went. We have never really been financially stable. We get by, but that is about it. I would not change it for the world. He has been worth all the aggravation.

Kay plus Three 3 kids; Hillsborough, New Hampshire 6101 posts
10th Feb '13

I did. We got married last summer. In the four years we have been together, I have been the primary bread winner. Yeah he's had jobs here and there, but he's in the construction field and let's face it, that's a shitty industry right now. Now that we have three kids, even if he gets a job, it has to pay a certain amount to even bother because of daycare costs.

*KatteyBug* Due November 18 (boy); 1 child; Madison, AL, United States 2234 posts
status 10th Feb '13
Quoting Libertarian ♥:" I married my husband and we only had what we could carry in a suitcase. I'm 26 and bought my house ... [snip!] ... a tough time in the beginning, because if you can't make it through money problems, you won't make it through the long haul."


This for me. My husband isn't financially stable yet, but we have no debt and he just now found a job. But he is still a great husband and although he wants me to be SAHM (which I am at the moment cause I'm 9 months pregnant lol) He knows that once little bit is here I may have to start working again and he's okay with that.
We've been through so much already in the two years we have been a couple and are still struggling to get on our feet but it's worth it. Every hardship we've been through so far has brought us closer, but we also have a lot of emotional and atm some financial support from family to help us through.



So yeah I would/did marry someone financially unstable, and yeah it's super hard but totally worth it for us.

♥Simply Whitney♥ TTC since Dec 2012; 1 child; Australia 932 posts
10th Feb '13

When I got married we came home to no job, no house, no car. My husband lost his job just before we got married. Luckily his sister let us move in with her. She also bought our car outright and we paid her back. My husband found a job pretty quickly though. But there was no way I wasn't going to marry him because he had no job, car, or house... We spent too many years not being together.

The Master 2 kids; Perth, Australia 19989 posts
11th Feb '13

I would never marry a man that would expect me to be a SAHM ... whether he was financially stable or not.

Lin Brown 2 kids; Tunnel Hill, Georgia 1802 posts
11th Feb '13

I did marry a man that isn't financially stable, but he is also working and is in school so I can be a SAHM. even if he was financially stable when we first got together, like others have said, shit happens and he can go from having this awesome job and a big house, to having nothing at all. If you can't afford to be a SAHM then get a job yourself, no man is going to put a gun to your head and make you stay home and even if he did then why are you in the relationship? even if he expects you to stay home, you have a mouth and can say no.

EnnaBennaBanana Due February 2; 2 kids; Maryland 6195 posts
11th Feb '13
Quoting Baylee398:" Would u marry a man who was not financially stable even if he is loving, loyal ect..? Heres what i ... [snip!] ... But for me it just doesn't cut it. Financial troubles cause problems in a marriage even though he is loyal, loving ect..."


My parents didn't have alot of money when we were little. They both felt that my mom staying home with us was important though..so my mom opend an in home daycare and actually made quite a bit of money. My dad eventually ended up getting a much better job and she could quit that eventually. But they made it work.