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Keeping Gender A Surprise? Moo-mmyஐ 52 kids; New York 27164 posts
11th Jul '12

I know I'm only between 7 and 8 weeks pregnant, but this is our last child. DH has a daughter with his ex-wife and we have a boy and and girl together. He wants to find out the gender of this baby as well, but I want to keep it a surprise. His "compromise" was that we find out and then don't tell our families until the birth. That's not what I want. If know the gender, I know I'll slip up and tell. I want it to be a surprise to us, our kids, and all our family members. When I asked him why he doesn't want to wait he gave several BS reasons like "so we can get clothes" (we have a bunch from our other 2 and aren't hurting for anything there), "so we can pick bedding that works with the nursery" (what won't go with Alice In Wonderland?) and then he decided to fight dirty. "How do you think Syrus will handle it if we wait till the birth and this one is a boy?" That was a low blow. Our son has Autism, SPD, and several language delays. A new baby will be hard on him regardless. It was when we had our daughter. I've always told him he's mommy's favorite boy though and DH is trying to use it against me now to force me into finding out "for the sake of our son." He will always be my special boy no matter what and he knows that. I don't think it's right that DH is trying to force me into this, but now I'm so angry at him fighting dirty like he is that I don't even want him to come to my first appointment and I know that's just as wrong.



What would you ladies do if you were in my spot?

WTFno Due October 5; 3 kids; Ohio 2736 posts
11th Jul '12

DH and I decided that if we have another, he wants to know the sex, and I don't. So our compromise is that during the ultrasound doing the tech will write on a piece of paper the gender, put it in an envelope and seal it up. After the appoinment he can open it while he's by himself up and discard it. He isn't allowed to tell a soul and that way he'll know, and I'll be surprised. He plans on picking out some gender specific clothes and hiding them away somewhere (like maybe even a storage unit) so I won't find them. That way we both have what we want. :)

Moo-mmyஐ 52 kids; New York 27164 posts
11th Jul '12
Quoting Chase+Carson=♥:" DH and I decided that if we have another, he wants to know the sex, and I don't. So our compromise is ... [snip!] ... and hiding them away somewhere (like maybe even a storage unit) so I won't find them. That way we both have what we want. :)"


My DH would "let it slip" just to be an a*****e and get his way. There really isn't a compromise that will work for us. It's either we both know or neither knows :?

WTFno Due October 5; 3 kids; Ohio 2736 posts
11th Jul '12
Quoting Moo-mmyஐ:" My DH would "let it slip" just to be an a*****e and get his way. There really isn't a compromise that will work for us. It's either we both know or neither knows :?




I say that you don't find out then. Either don't tell him when the appointment is or wait until the appoinment and explain to the ultrasound tech that you firmly don't want to know. They are more likely to side with you since you are the paitient and it's your body.

PA Mom Pennsylvania 19 posts
11th Jul '12

How about this? Leave your purse or cell phone or something in the waiting area. When you get called back into the room, ask DH to go get it for you. Then discreetly explain the situation to the tech. Maybe they can pretend like the baby won't cooperate and they can't tell or something. That would help end the petty arguments.

Moo-mmyஐ 52 kids; New York 27164 posts
11th Jul '12
Quoting PA Mom:" How about this? Leave your purse or cell phone or something in the waiting area. When you get called ... [snip!] ... they can pretend like the baby won't cooperate and they can't tell or something. That would help end the petty arguments. "


That was rude :?. There is nothing "petty" about this. Neither one of us have any idea how this will truly effect our son until the child is here. It was the same when I was pregnant with our daughter. The first few months were a very rough adjustment on him, but we have no way of knowing if it was because he was upset she was a girl and he was constantly saying he wanted a brother, or just because it was a new baby and things got flipped upside down on him. If you can't be sympathetic to a situation involving a special needs child, don't bother replying.



Also, I'm not going to ask some third party person to lie to my husband. That won't solve a damn thing.

PA Mom Pennsylvania 19 posts
12th Jul '12

Well I'm sorry you were offended. That wasn't my intention. I do think you're being oversensitive though. I have a 5 year old son with autism and a 3 year old daughter who's neurotypical so I've actually been in this situation. From other suggestions and your responses it seems like you're just fishing for sympathy rather than a solution to your situation. I think I provided an actual solution. If you don't like it, fair enough, but in the grand scheme of your life this situation really is small and insignificant and won't matter a year from now, I'm sure.

Moo-mmyஐ 52 kids; New York 27164 posts
12th Jul '12
Quoting PA Mom:" Well I'm sorry you were offended. That wasn't my intention. I do think you're being oversensitive though. ... [snip!] ... in the grand scheme of your life this situation really is small and insignificant and won't matter a year from now, I'm sure. "


You suggested having someone LIE to my husband so things go my way. I'm not offended, I'm appalled you think lie is the right way to go about things. You also completely brushed off the fact that a child with special needs is involved and called it "petty."



I'm not fishing for sympathy. It's a complicated situation that you say you've been in before, yet you offer terrible advice. I was completely honest in my whole post, yet all you see is "wah, my child is different! pity me!"? I am trying to figure out how to ACCOMODATE my son, not baby the hell out of him.

~*`lulu`*~ TTC since Jun 2011; 16 kids; Ontario 4782 posts
13th Jul '12

I say keep it a surprise like you said sy had a hard time dealing with hadleys birth even though he was prepared with the gender.He will still be prepared for a baby