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Pregnant and feel unsure about relationship future cozyjewel Due April 5; Ontario 2 posts
8th Sep '12

I'm in my late 30's and pregnant for the first time. I have been dating my boyfriend for just 6 months and feel terrified that I am thinking about leaving him while in this situation. Since finding out I was pregnant, (which I was told would never happen - never been on the pill and was married for 7 years) we have decided he would move in with me seeing as I own a house instead of having him pay rent and live separately. He has a 4 year old daughter that he co-sleeps with - this was the start of our problems. He wanted us all to sleep together, but knowing her only a month and not having experienced this ever in my life I was not on board. I feel the bed we share as a couple should be ours, (with the exception of bad dreams, sickness or other occasional reasons). He suggested sleeping with her in her bed when he had custody,(every other weekend) however I feel uncomfortable with that as well.... I understand she will always come first, (as he had told me this) but with regard to our relationship, I want to have one place that is just ours, that we can share consistantly to maintain our intimacy and stay connected as a couple.
He sees this as me being jealous of his daughter, and that I am trying to come between him and his family. He even went as far to suggest they would get a hotel when he has her so they can sleep together. I understand his reaction comes from a fear that she will not want to spend time with him if she can't sleep, as he ahs stated, or feel comfortable with the sleeping arrangements as she co-sleeps with her mother when she is in her care.
I feel like I am being pushed aside, to have when he can't sleep with his daughter and worry about what is going to happen when our baby arrives in the spring. It seems that if I am not on board with him that I am against him or being jealous. I am struggling with the idea of just ending the relationship and co-parent when the baby comes, but don't know what part, if any is hormones.
He comes from an abusive relationship and is concerned about being controlled... As a result, he seems to act in a controlling mannor to ensure he is maintaining control, (when the conversation is not to his liking he will leave or walk out, or answer his phone). This had all happened over the past 2 months. I get that an unplanned pregnancy can affect a man in many ways, but it affects me too. My otherwise stable predictable life is now full of confusion and conflict, and I seem to be the only one that is expected to change.
He says that financial issues are weighing on him and that cohabbitation will assist with that but he is continuing to smoke and drink regularly. I don't know why it is so hard for me to decide what to do... stay and get counselling, (which he has agreed to) or just get the hell out while I can and co-parent independantly. Please help.

Donna Jo Tanner 1 child; Beach Haven, New Jersey 6440 posts
8th Sep '12

Co parenting independently is just as hard if not harder. I would try counsling first, that way you can tell your child you tried very hard but it just wasnt meant to be.

☆jeep_mama☆ 17 kids; Grand Rapids Charter Township, Michigan 10963 posts
8th Sep '12

I just want to be straight on things before answering....One: how often does he see his daughter? Two: have you asked him why he feels the need to co-sleep at her age? (just to get his viewpoint I mean)

Naturally Alternative 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Lafayette, Louisiana 6148 posts
8th Sep '12

Perhaps you can get a twin/full size bed for his daughter in another room. Then he can sleep with her in there and your bed will be kept for you two.

user banned 2 kids; Hamilton, Ontario 19220 posts
8th Sep '12

I am 34, and had my first 3 years ago.



I will tell you this, its not going to get easier. Pregnancy is hard, EXTREMELY hormonal. I love my husband and was with him for 5 years before our planned pregnancy and am still with him. He is my world. But during pregnancy, I spent the whole time at work, or in my bedroom with my dog. I hated the aruging and I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant, but most of the time I spent with him, I just wanted to rip his face off....so I stayed away from him lol.



A new relationship, and a child on the way, and co-parenting his daugher!! OMG girl you got your plate full. And since you're older, you're set in your ways, not as easy as to 20 year olds getting together, moving in and having a baby...they learn together, your already there.



You have your house, so you dont need him finacially right?



IMO. And this is just my advice. Get him out before you two hate eachother. Get him out now, he's a big boy he'll figure out his stuff. You concentrate on the pregnancy, bond with your miracle baby :) and then 3 or 4 months after baby is born, and your hormones are weaker and you're thinking more like a human....then relook at this relationship.



Best of luck!

Summerfrost 51 kids; Massachusetts 6760 posts
8th Sep '12

I can totally understand not wanting to sleep in bed with a kid you don't know. That would make me uncomfortable too. If I hadn't had any children of my own, I would still be dead set against any children in bed with me ever. ...Now that I've had 3 of them, there's a little wiggle room for what I thought was right and what actually works for our family.



What if he slept in a different room with her when she stayed with you guys?

cozyjewel Due April 5; Ontario 2 posts
8th Sep '12

Thank you everyone for your prompt replies... in answer to your questions;
He sees his daughter every other weekend, Friday night to Sunday night.
He has co-slept with her since the beginning and feels she will naturally grow out of it.
I am financially stable - he is struggling.
Having him cosleep with her in her bed concerns me because of the baby on the way... if we were not having a child, as weird as I think it is at 4 years old, I would not object - his child, his parenting style. Because we are planning cohabbitation, it becomes a family issue, and I believe children at 4 need to be able to sleep on their own.

Abbie Myers 3 kids; Manchester, Tennessee 56 posts
8th Sep '12

4 is way 2 old to be sleeping with the parents except on occasions u mentiond such as nitemares ect.. i have dealt with this and refused to let said child in our bed i made him put his son in his own bed and sleep by himself and after about a week that was it no fussing or whining nothing when it was bed time he went to his bed no problem. try the counseling for your relationship and for the best interest of your soon to be baby but he really needs some counseling about having a child of that age in the bed with him

Alesha Bess Due September 10 (girl); Indiana 11 posts
9th Sep '12

Try counseling before making any decisions. At least then you can have some opinions from a professional that can help you work out your problems with the relationship. There should be some negotiation and agreement in a relationship. It should be equal and not all favoring to one side. I left my childs father because it was all about him and the relationship was only hurting me and bringing me down. He didnt listen to me and he wasnt trying to make the relationship better. At least your man is agreeing to counseling and trying to find a way to make it work. Most men wouldnt even consider it. The counselor would most likely agree with you on the sleeping arrangment with him and his daughter and make it known to him that it be in the best interest for everyone if that were changed. It might just take a professional like that to tell him in order for him to consider it. Dont give up, keep asking for advise. If need be talk to the counselor by yourself and ask if what youre feeling is rational or if its just hormonal. A counselor will tell you what is truely just hormones and what is healthy or unhealthy about the relationship.

Summerfrost 51 kids; Massachusetts 6760 posts
10th Sep '12
Quoting Abbie Myers:" 4 is way 2 old to be sleeping with the parents except on occasions u mentiond such as nitemares ect.. ... [snip!] ... best interest of your soon to be baby but he really needs some counseling about having a child of that age in the bed with him"


In the situation with his daughter, I don't think you have much say to be honest. Your choices are to either allow her in your room or let them sleep in a room together.



As a mother of a 4 year old, there are plenty of times my 4 year old comes into our room before or around 5am. It's never been an issue and I have no plans on locking the kid in his room or something like that. I don't feel like it's too old for us. I mean he's not even in school yet. In a few years, he's not even going to want to be around us. There's no need to speed up the process. That is what works for us though and our family.



Now if you were talking about a child you had with this guy, then obviously, you would get equal say in whatever he does or doesn't do with your child.

Abbie Myers 3 kids; Manchester, Tennessee 56 posts
11th Sep '12
Quoting Summerfrost:" In the situation with his daughter, I don't think you have much say to be honest. Your choices are to ... [snip!] ... a child you had with this guy, then obviously, you would get equal say in whatever he does or doesn't do with your child. "


having a child that gets up and comes into your room at that time of the morning is a whole lot different than putting one to bed with you EVERY nite. if you and your husband split up would you want your child crawling into bed with him and another woman he had only known a month or so??

Summerfrost 51 kids; Massachusetts 6760 posts
11th Sep '12
Quoting Abbie Myers:" having a child that gets up and comes into your room at that time of the morning is a whole lot different ... [snip!] ... your husband split up would you want your child crawling into bed with him and another woman he had only known a month or so??"


You need to read my whole post. OP said that her bf's daughter sleeps with him in her room. The bf's daughter is only there every other weekend. The 3 of them don't share a bed and I agree that it would be weird, especially since they haven't been together all that long. What I was talking about is their baby-to-be sleeping with them in the future if they stay together.

Abbie Myers 3 kids; Manchester, Tennessee 56 posts
11th Sep '12

she said he wanted his daughter to sleep with them in their bed and when she didnt want this he said she was jealous of his daughter!! and yes i believe it creates an unhealthy codependant relationship for children to sleep with their parents except in certain situations..ie..sickness nightmares ect... when you start a child out sleeping in bed with you on a regular basis they become dependant on that closeness with you to enable them to sleep. i have 2 boys and another one on the way and i have never let them sleep with me except if sick and i can count those occasions and have fingers to spare. stopping a child from sleeping with its parents gets harder as the age advances and is very stressful on both the parent and the child. if this habit is never started then you dont have to go through the trouble of breaking it. that being said this is MY opinion. you may have a different one and thats your right :) God Bless all you mommies :)