I really just feel like boycotting sleep. The point of sleep is to rest, and I'm not getting any restful sleep when I dream like this every night. It's always the same thing. Either trying to get Seth back somehow, or fear that I'm losing someone else.
Last night I dreamed of Seth's bio mom calling. She asked me a question about him, and I answered and then I thought "wait, he's there?" and she says "of course!" So I get in my car and I spent like two days driving trying to get to her to pick him up, but all of these roadblocks kept coming up. I couldn't find the keys. I had to fight with someone over why I needed to go. The headlights went out. Ran out of gas. Etc etc. I never got there before I woke up.
And I wake up and it hurts because I can still feel all of it.
The night before that, I dreamed that I lost my daughter. I was driving out van and we got T-boned. And I tried to unbuckle and kind of throw myself over her before the car hit, but I couldn't get there in time.
I feel like I've reverted back to the first few stages of grief. And i know it's not linear. I know you go back and forth and back and forth. But at some point, something's got to give right?
I dunno. Maybe I'm just moody and whiny because I'm tired, but... I dunno. I just wish I could reminisce and think of the good memories and make all of the sadness disappear.