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Lotusmama Due March 31; British Columbia 1672 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting .Colleen.:" you need to read the thread before spouting shit off."


read it.

. , Richmond, VA, United States 75118 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Lotusmama:" Wow. Okay... where to start with this. Domestic Violence is not okay. Period. Full stop. He put his ... [snip!] ... her continued relationship is cheating then he can leave her - but he can not abuse her! There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!"

I agree. I mean, if she wants to stay with her husband she should cut the guy off and work on their issues. But if she doesn't want to then her husband has some responsibility in this as well, he can file for divorce or ask for a separation. Not put his hands on her.

*Amo a Mis Nenas* 3 kids; Birmingham, Alabama 8838 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Lotusmama:" Wow. Okay... where to start with this. Domestic Violence is not okay. Period. Full stop. He put his ... [snip!] ... her continued relationship is cheating then he can leave her - but he can not abuse her! There is NEVER an excuse for abuse!"


okay. and if you had read my post, you would've seen that it sounded like he was trying to rough play sexually. (to me) not that he was trying to hurt her bc he was pissed.



i also never said she cheated.



but in a sense, when her HUSBAND wants to CLOSE the relationship, she needs to cut ties with the other man. bc then it IS cheating. bc then BOTH parties of the MARRIAGE no longer AGREE to an open relationship..




and i never condone the "abuse" i stated that IN MY OWN OPINION - it doesn't sound like he was INTENTIONALLY trying to HURT her. she even said that it happened when they were PLAYING around...



nor did i ever say that what he did was ACCEPTABLE.. so get off your high f**king horse before you try and put words into my mouth....



read my post. it never said "yeah him choking you is fine bc you're a dirty wh**e for not cutting ties with your other man bc at first an open relationship was okay, now your husband isn't okay with it. but you're not really happy with him in the first place, and are with him for financial reasons, so you're trying to feel happy with someone else. but when he no longer agrees with the open relationship - you're a cheating b***h"



did i say that? no..

Lotusmama Due March 31; British Columbia 1672 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Jas ♥:" No shit, no one is making excuses for what he did."


Well I am glad to hear you (and some others) say that. Because I was hearing excuses for abuse, even if that's not what you said. I just think rather than focusing on what she did wrong (which is beside the point) the message should be clear. Yes, he crossed a line. A man can not choke a woman or constrain her against a wall, even for a moment. It is not okay. He needs to learn to control his anger. He is responsible for his actions.

Lotusmama Due March 31; British Columbia 1672 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Jas ♥:" She's not miss innocent, that's the point. Why focus on his wrong doings when she is doing wrong also? ... [snip!] ... hurting her and its not okay. But its clear that the emotional pain that SHE is putting him through is causing him to lash out."



No, she is not causing him to do anything. His inability to control his emotions is causing him to lash out.



I don't care if she is a crappy wife. If he isn't happy with how things are he has options. He can try to talk to her or ask her to go to councelling. He can give her an ultimatum. Or he can take the kids and leave or he can pack up and go on his own. He CHOSE to pust his hands on her. That was his mistake. He gets 100% responsibility for that.



She is 100% responsible for her choice to stay with her lover. She is 100% responsible for the choice to stay with her husband too. If she's not happy with him she has the same options he does (talk, councelling, leave, ultimatum...).

Mrs cree Due November 23; 33 kids; Ontario 1907 posts
Oct 11th '12

Like I said you both need time apart seek professional help if you want to work to save your marriage but her hubby is clearly very angry every time the joking around turns into violence to the lady who posted this no matter your previous experience with men or your age it shouldn't matter you have 4 babies all that other stuff goes out the window when you have kids your husband told you you could have an open relationship to save your relationship only it backfired this is not fair to your kids if this keeps up one of you or both of you will not be around for your kids he will kill you due to anger and end up in jail you both need a break

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Oct 11th '12

Honestly? I tend to agree that it sounds like "rough play" rather then an attempt at abuse. Of course, without her agreeing to it is a form of abuse, but I don't think that's his intention. It seems like it starts as a game, which makes me wonder if he perhaps WANTS to explore that (possibly more now due to his lack of control given the OP's actions) and that's what it's about. It's not right, and it needs to be addressed and stopped, but understanding WHY it is happening helps you figure out what to do.



OP, clearly your actions are hurting him, a LOT. Your actions are emotionally abusing him, because you're cheating on him at this point. You both agreed to allow something, but that something turned into somthing neither of you thought it would which it now threatening your marriage. It needs to end, or the marriage needs to end. With the way I'd guess he's feeling, it's likely to just get worse. I am not excusing his actions AT ALL, but recognizing WHY he is acting this way lets you figure out what YOU want to do and need to do. If you keep seeing this guy, things are going to get worse. Even if you stop they might, because I suspect your husband is feeling a total lack of control in the relationship. Like he has no say in anything, even who you're sleeping with.



He crossed a line, no doubt about that. So now you have options. End this other relationship and try counseling to deal with his obvious anger and pain over what you're doing, or end the marriage.

☠BryBry'sMuM☠ Due March 19 (girl); 1 child; Fullerton, California 15229 posts
Oct 11th '12

you both crossed the line but the fact your still seeing the guy he asked you to cut ties with and you gave him a std . i see why hes so angry but doesnt give him a right to put his hands on you, rough housing doesnt include puttin ghis hands on your throat!
your stringing your hubby around dont stay with him bc of $ & the kids. You need to get your shit together, your whole situation is a mess.
you two should go to counceling .
Do you know what you want?

Stacey30 4 kids; Minnesota 473 posts
Oct 11th '12


Quoting ☠BryBry's MuM☠:" Do you know what you want?"



I don't have a clue what I want. I'd love to go back 15 yrs ago to when I was 19 and kick my own ass for thinking I knew everything and thought it was ok to get married so young. But of course I can't do that. I should have listened to my Mom. I know I should dump the other guy. I know it's wrong. I know I'm a mess. I know I'm being a shi++y wife and he doesn't deserve it. I know my kids don't deserve this. There isn't anything you guys have said that I don't already know. I've been with my husband half of my life, it's a tough desicion to make. We have been through a lot. I don't know what I want. I do know I don't want him ever choking me again and that was my initial question.



Stacey30 4 kids; Minnesota 473 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Jas ♥:" So tell him to stop? Leave? Go to counseling?"

I did tell him I didn't want him doing that again. He laughed and said he was just playing. We have been to counseling a few years ago for same issues, obviously didn't work.

☠BryBry'sMuM☠ Due March 19 (girl); 1 child; Fullerton, California 15229 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Stacey30:" "


well thats good you know all these thing most dont. i understand your concered but you need to sit down and tlak to him maybe you two should go to counceling it wil help you talk toeach other and see each others perspective. You need to knwo why he is doing that? yah you may know your not the best you can be right now but what he is doing isnt healty and im sure the councler will say the same. you could each have your own coucling apt.
or separte for a while

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
Oct 11th '12
Quoting Stacey30:" I did tell him I didn't want him doing that again. He laughed and said he was just playing. We have been to counseling a few years ago for same issues, obviously didn't work."


It's more then counseling. Can you be happy? You seem to resent the fact that you got married young. Can you let that go? Because you'll need to. You'll need to accept that you got married young, and you didn't experience certain thigns. If you can't get over that, then you need to leave. I'm not trying to be mean, but you just can't expect a relationship to work when you seem to want things you simply can't have being married to him. It's causing you BOTH stress and pain. So you have to be really honest with yourself. Is this marriage enough for you? Is being married to him enough for you? If it isn't, you're doing neither of you a favor by sticking around. You end up resenting him, and he ends up hurt .