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What NOT to say Vindictive 50 kids; Switzerland 30558 posts
15th Oct '12

(A tad long, but bare with me. It's worth it.)



With Mya's birthday quickly approaching, I am finding myself having a hard time dealing with people - family specifically. Most seem to have forgotten what this week is. Which is to be expected, I suppose, since they only saw our living nightmare from the outside. However, there was an instance at our baby shower about a week ago, that is eating me up in side.



DH's grandma doesn't have a filter. She says whatever she wants, and often doesn't realize that what she is saying is FAR from appropriate. She told me the day I delivered Mya, as I'm holding her trying to hold back my emotions, that my sweet baby girl was more alive than anyone in that room. :? Now, in her head, I'm sure that was perfectly logical. But it STILL pisses me off to this day. My daughter is gone. Never coming back. She is NOT more alive than myself, or her sister, or her father. Or anyone f**king else for that matter.
Okay, so fast forward to my baby shower, where my mom had brought balloons for everyone to write a message on and release to Mya. His grandma starts telling me how after our son is born, I will be able to say I have 4 children (where she got the number 4, I don't understand). I explained that I always include Mya when asked how many kids I have. ALWAYS. And the only time it gets complicated is when I have to explain that I have a 3 year old, and a would be 1 year old.
So she goes on to tell me that spirits don't age.
:?



MY baby ages. My baby kicked me for the last time almost a year ago.. she would be a year old this Thursday. She ages, damnit.



Anyway. The point of this, is that all too often people say things that are inappropriate, and have no idea.



This is a good list of examples of things NOT to say, reasons why, and alternatives. I think everyone should take the few minutes to read through it and make mental notes. You never know when someone close to you is going to lose their child. You don't want to be that one person that says something without thinking, and has it stick with the parents for the rest of their lives.
http://corasstory.com/when-a-friends-child-dies-part-2-what-not-to-say/




I also think a sticky should be made in S&L with a list of things not to say, things that are helpful (for those that never quite know what to say).. and people can add to it as they please, since it is different for everyone.

Lady Anon Due December 25 (girl); 1 child; Davenport, Iowa 4610 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting Vindictive:" (A tad long, but bare with me. It's worth it.) With Mya's birthday quickly approaching, I am finding ... [snip!] ... (for those that never quite know what to say).. and people can add to it as they please, since it is different for everyone."


Making a sticky is a great idea.



I honeslt had no idea what to say, thank goodness I havent said any of that.

Squeaky McGee 2 kids; 3 angel babies; Indiana 65151 posts
15th Oct '12

<3



I haven't lost a child like you have, but I've still heard many of those and they're far from helpful. I agree that this should be a sticky. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say.

Vindictive 50 kids; Switzerland 30558 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting Squeaky McGee:" <3 I haven't lost a child like you have, but I've still heard many of those and they're far from helpful. I agree that this should be a sticky. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say."


Right. And I'm sure that everyone means what they say with the softest of hearts.. but the ignorance behind it, just honestly not knowing, needs to be fixed.

AngelGabriel'sMama 1 child; Dayton, Ohio 2103 posts
15th Oct '12

I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing what things we shouldn't say. Some people think they are helping but are actually hurting and it's good to have something to refer to.

that one girl Due March 15; 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Phoenix, Arizona 54078 posts
status 15th Oct '12

augh I have had variations of all of those said to me at one point. I almost disowned my family for what they did to me. I don't think people mean to hurt us... but they don't think it through...



I had someone say to me this Mother's Day (while I was pregnant) that they were excited to finally wish me Happy Mother's Day. I was pregnant Mother's Day of 2007... I've been a mother for a long time.

Vindictive 50 kids; Switzerland 30558 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting Just Ames:" Dang. All of those things should be obvious no-no's :shock:"


You'd think.

Vindictive 50 kids; Switzerland 30558 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting that one girl:" augh I have had variations of all of those said to me at one point. I almost disowned my family for what ... [snip!] ... were excited to finally wish me Happy Mother's Day. I was pregnant Mother's Day of 2007... I've been a mother for a long time."


Right? :(



It's similar to DH's grandmother implying that I don't include Mya in how many children I have.

Vindictive 50 kids; Switzerland 30558 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting AngelGabriel'sMama:" I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing what things we shouldn't say. Some people think they are helping but are actually hurting and it's good to have something to refer to."


Glad you found it helpful. :)

Rain (aka Mama) 3 kids; Monroe, Georgia 6487 posts
15th Oct '12

<3



My biggest ones are:



"He's in a better place." No he's not, you moron. There's no better place for a child than right here in their mother's arms. In my arms.



And "Oh, you have a perfect family now. One boy, one girl." For obvious reasons. :?



Love you, hun. Hang in there. And again, I'm here if you need me.

Vindictive 50 kids; Switzerland 30558 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting Rain (aka Mama):" <3 My biggest ones are: "He's in a better place." No he's not, you moron. There's no better place ... [snip!] ... family now. One boy, one girl." For obvious reasons. :? Love you, hun. Hang in there. And again, I'm here if you need me. "


:shock: Someone actually said that to you?!

Rain (aka Mama) 3 kids; Monroe, Georgia 6487 posts
15th Oct '12
Quoting Vindictive:" :shock: Someone actually said that to you?!"


Yep. My mom's husband. I nearly punched him for it too, and I almost NEVER get angry.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch 1 child; 3 angel babies; N/a, Na, United States 1020 posts
15th Oct '12

Thank you for posting this Cassie!



When we told people our daughter was stillborn we directed them to a website or gave them a look at a flyer the hospital gave us for what NOT to say.



Pretty much anything religious gets to me. Were not religious and I think listening to people say "shes in a better place" or "god has a plan" only made everything more raw. They dont have any idea that those words are NOT for them to say or mae judgement calls.

Plum flippers 17 kids; Tulsa, Oklahoma 68 posts
15th Oct '12

I wish I could've seen this before. It would've Been a BIG help

gringa31 Due April 7 (girl); 1 child; Mississippi 40 posts
15th Oct '12
SAD WHAT PEOPLE SAY AND CANT SPEND THAT SAME AMOUNT OF ENERGY THINKING ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE FIXING TO SAY....I WISH U MANY BLESSINGS WITH YOUR BABY BOY!!!