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Cast Your Vote:

    • no, i don't care -- Votes: 15
    • yes :/ -- Votes: 4
miscarriage and letting go? Evelynns Mama! 1 child; Dayton, Ohio 1735 posts
17th Oct '12

If you have had a miscarriage with a ex partner, does it seem to tie you to them in some way..? Like emotionally, because you shared a being that is in heaven now because of you both?



I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks on July 23 2009 and we broke up shortly after, after being together for 2 1/2 years because I was so hurt by it, and he wasn't and it just bothered me...



I never speak about my miscarriage, and only a few people do know about it.
I tried talking to the father about it before(before i was with my SO) and he still just didn't give a shit, and talked to me like I made up the whole situation, and if he was approached about it, he says it never happens and denies it.



For some reason, I just still can't get past that, over 3 years later... How it can still hurt ME, but never hurt him ever? I just wonder if he really does ever think about it. I also just feel attached to him still because I was pregnant by him, and it even happened... and it bothers me so much. I wish it didn't, I feel nuts :/



Is it ever easy to just let go of the past? losing a child no matter if it was born or not. He/She could be here, my daughter could have a big brother or sister, I could have another child to love and cherish.

Squeaky McGee 2 kids; 3 angel babies; Indiana 65053 posts
17th Oct '12

I never had a miscarriage with an ex, but I've had 3 of them with my husband and he never expressed any sadness of grief towards any of them. That's just how some men are. I don't get it. I'm sorry for your loss, mama. You had a bond with that baby that your ex didn't. He'll never be able to understand how much that baby meant to you and how much it hurt. Men experience pregnancy secondhand, so the emotional tie is different.

Peyton'sMommy♥ 1 child; Springfield, Ohio 16811 posts
17th Oct '12
Quoting JudyRebecca:" If you have had a miscarriage with a ex partner, does it seem to tie you to them in some way..? Like ... [snip!] ... or not. He/She could be here, my daughter could have a big brother or sister, I could have another child to love and cherish."

It doesn't tie me to him anymore. I mean I ache for the baby I lost. I feel terribly that I had no idea I was pregnant until it was already over. But I don't talk to him anymore, I think about what my life would be like if I never had a miscarriage, but I believe I would be in the same place. Just tied to him forever by his child. I think he was hurt for about two seconds, for me I will hurt my whole lifetime. But it's not about him, it's about me and about the fact that my body couldn't be pregnant at the time. I was very ill, had a feeding tube placed, they thought I may even die due to pancreas issues. The only thing that even remotely helps is the fact that I know my body wasn't ready, I know that there probably would have been serious issues with the baby and I know I wasn't ready to be a mother then. I wasn't supposed to be tied to my ex forever now I am not.

Serial Mom ✄ 18 kids; Michigan 2690 posts
17th Oct '12

I myself don't feel connected to my ex whose baby I miscarried, but I can understand why someone would feel that way.



Also, men don't feel emotionally connected to the baby til after it's born, so I'm sure that's why it seemed like he didn't care.

Evelynns Mama! 1 child; Dayton, Ohio 1735 posts
17th Oct '12

Right. I mean, I don't care for him... I don't even know how to explain my feelings of it.
I haven't talked to him in probably 2 years, and he has two kids 4 and 5 that he really never gave a shit about anyways... so maybe it was truly a good thing i guess in his case, a child doesn't deserve to have a bad father as he is. It's bad when they want to be in the kids life, but they just truly suck at being a parent. :/



I'm so thankful for my SO now, and how he is with our daughter. Makes me proud he's her daddy. He's a perfect daddy. Having Evelynn makes me cope with it easier.



I'm glad that my angel is in heaven with a good Father, God is good to all and I know he's taking care of my baby.. I wish it wouldn't have happened, but atleast I know the babies been in a better place for 3 years.

user banned 33 kids; Blytheville, Arkansas 7534 posts
17th Oct '12

I had a miscarriage with my first boyfriend about 5 years ago.



He didn't care one bit, but I'm still fucked up over it.



Recently his girlfriend lost one of her twins, and he's inconsolable about it.



I know it's petty, but that hurts and insults me in a way that I can't even begin to describe.



I know how you feel hon. I still feel like he's a part of my life even though we never talk or see each other, just because we have that link.

Evelynns Mama! 1 child; Dayton, Ohio 1735 posts
17th Oct '12
Quoting Chroma Hex [+1]:" I had a miscarriage with my first boyfriend about 5 years ago. He didn't care one bit, but I'm still ... [snip!] ... feel hon. I still feel like he's a part of my life even though we never talk or see each other, just because we have that link."


Yeah, :/



And the worst part is, my mom added him on FB, and absolutely loves him, wishes i'd be with him still... it's ridiculous. shows me pictures of him, and his newly pregnant girlfriend. I don't care about him, but I care about the child we made that didn't make it. It hurts me. I wish the pain would just go away...




I don't see how someone could not "love" a person, some way, when they have had a child with them, alive or not.



My SO says he doesn't have love for Lauren (Kaylie his other daughter's mother) even though they have a child together. He doesn't even respect her, he loves his daughter. They weren't together long, and 5 different guys ( his friends) were possible fathers of her... I just couldn't imagine that. I'd feel some kind of love for anyone I had children with, unless I was raped or something. Maybe men are just different...

~*Lette*~ 50 kids; Kailua, Hawaii 710 posts
17th Oct '12

I had a miscarriage with my long-term bf (now ex) 6 years ago. We didn't know I was pregnant until it was too late so I didn't really have time to get attached to the baby but it was still really hard on me. After we broke up it was easy to move on from him but only because he turned into an abusive p***e o* s**t. I have since married my best friend. We've had 2 losses together, 1 living son, and another son on the way next month. I still think about that very first baby from time to time though. It's a horrible thing to have lost him/her (it was too early to tell gender) but would be more horrible, IMO, if we'd had a child together and then they'd have to witness their father being abusive and inevitably splitting up. So in that sense, it's better that the baby wasn't meant to be because my ex and I were not meant to be either. I've moved on most definitely but it wasn't easy at all. It still hurts to think of the 3 angel babies I have but I'm always grateful for the ones God let me keep :)