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Trying to stay positive... ms. grumpy butt 1 child; California 3156 posts
1st Nov '12

First of all, Happy Halloween everyone. I hope you all had fun and stayed safe. Me and little man had fun. He went as spider man and he was fearless going to houses. There were a few times I had to explain to him that we can't just walk into stranger's houses. Lol.



Anyway,
On the drive home, I decided to drive by the cemetery and wish Andrew a happy halloween. Thinking about is making me tear up :-( but it just sucks sometimes.
I know that I'm suppose to be moving on in my life and allowing him to rest but the fact that the circumstances are the way they are just gets to me.



It has been 34 months since his death. 34 months of trying to wrap my head around the life I have without him. The moments I've had to experience, without him.



Did you know that it has been so long that I have forgotten what it feels like to know that there is another human being who wants to be with us? the loneliness can make me a tad crazy at times. What does it feel like to share your child with someone who wants to be there? I forgot... I can remember but my memories fall back on the life of a man that will never come back to remind me.



I'm not sure how to make sense of anything I'm feeling.

*account deleted* New York 2562 posts
1st Nov '12

Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I can kind of relate. My dad passed and my mom re-married and my step-dad has tried to be like a father figure but a part of me still always feels empty. Knowing that my son will never get to meet his grandpa kills me. He was my best friend:(



BUT...It does get better. It always use to piss me off when people said that to me... but it's true. Just think, he would want you and your son to be happy. And he is looking down on you both, protecting you. He would want for you to be happy and go on.



I'm sorry I can't really answer your question, but just know this, you will know when you're ready. Don't rush into things, things will play out like they are supposed to. Keep your head up♥

ms. grumpy butt 1 child; California 3156 posts
1st Nov '12
Quoting Tiffany ღ:" Wow, I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I can kind of relate. My dad passed and my mom re-married ... [snip!] ... will know when you're ready. Don't rush into things, things will play out like they are supposed to. Keep your head up♥"


I'm trying :-(
I try to make a point to talk to William about his daddy but even for me it can feel rather empty. He died when William was 7 months old and after awhile, he stopped saying "daddy" because there was no one to identify that with.
William is 3 now. I am afraid of being with someone only to fill the void but what I truly want is a man who wants to be there for William, too. I don't even know if that exists. There are even people who don't even choose to be there for him... Even Andrew's best friend... Who was suppose to be William's uncle appointed BY Andrew. He makes excuses as to why he doesn't come by and it hurts me because I know that Andrew wanted to be with us. He chose us and it sucks that the last person who actually made me feel like we (William and I) were important is the one who can no longer be here.
I try to stay positive but its these stupid sentimental memories >_<
I even tried to remember how Andrew would have sounded if he were to see William in his costume this year... because I wanted to share my excitement with something.



GOD I feel so pathetic tonight.UGHHH

*account deleted* New York 2562 posts
1st Nov '12

Don't feel pathetic mama, what you're feeling is totally normal...i promise you. As he gets older, he'll start understanding more. Don't feel bad because you don't know how to explain it, or what to say... he is still young, and you're probably still trying to make sense of it as well, even if it was 3 years ago. My dad has been gone for almost 7 years, and i find myself still trying to make sense of it myself. What matters most is that his mommy is going to be there for him through it all. He's going to look at you and see how strong you are and how you overcame the obstacles of losing the man you loved, and he's going to really look up to you for that, and even more, probably make him feel better about the situation. He is going to have a lot of questions as he gets older, but just as long as you are there for him and he knows he can come to his mama to talk about his daddy, will make him happy:) Trust me. Unortunately, as you know, he won't have probably many memories of his daddy. But fortunately, hearing them from you, hearing about who he was as a person, the things he liked, etc, will comfort him a lot! Hearing stories from my mom about how my dad was, especially at my age, makes me smile and feel so good inside. You'll learn as you go. It's weird that you say that, because my uncle, my dad's brother, stopped coming around once my dad passed. Don't in any way blame yourself. People cope in different ways, and maybe it's easier for him that way. As far as my uncle goes, it's a struggle to even get him to show up at family get togethers. But you know what? That's HIS loss. And as his niece, I knew that from early on, because my mom always said it. All you can really do, is just look at things right now, and try to figure out what you need to do to move forward, things that will make YOU and your son happy! Therapy has really helped me:) Talking about what is bothering you is soo important. All of your questions will be answered with time. I believe everything happens for a reason, and one day, hopefully we will know that reason. I am here for you, even though we don't know each other, you can message me anytime you'd like, whenever, any time of the day/night. It gets better girl:) Keep that pretty chin up, you can do this.

Two Princesses 2 kids; San Pedro, CA, United States 7196 posts
1st Nov '12

Very sorry for your loss momma.

ms. grumpy butt 1 child; California 3156 posts
1st Nov '12
Quoting Tiffany ღ:" Don't feel pathetic mama, what you're feeling is totally normal...i promise you. As he gets older, he'll ... [snip!] ... me anytime you'd like, whenever, any time of the day/night. It gets better girl:) Keep that pretty chin up, you can do this. "


You're amazing and helpful.
You're so sweet and it is nice to know that you could be there in a low point for me even if we're complete online strangers.

ms. grumpy butt 1 child; California 3156 posts
1st Nov '12
Quoting Mommy to 1 1/2:" Very sorry for your loss momma."


Thank you.

*account deleted* New York 2562 posts
2nd Nov '12
Quoting ms. grumpy butt:" You're amazing and helpful. You're so sweet and it is nice to know that you could be there in a low point for me even if we're complete online strangers."


Aw thank you, but so are you:) I'm here if you need anything, i mean it. Keep ur head up beautiful! Days get brighter