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Need advice for my 5 yr old s00nt0b04 Due April 23; 3 kids; Louisville, Kentucky 477 posts
8th Nov '12

Last night my son (out of the blue) asked his dad when he was going to die? His dad's response was "When I really really old." Well, DS proceeds to say "I'm going to die when I am 100" and then cries. My heart began to ache. My son then says well your dad died (my father) in an accident and he knew. I explained that my daddy didn't know he was going to die or have an accident. Well, I called my mother in to help with the conversation because till this day I don't like speaking about my dad's accident. My mother tries to explain that my dad's accident was that an accident he didn't know he was going to have one and tried to say its like riding a bike sometimes you fall off your bike and you didn't know you were going to fall. My son stops crying and for the past week he cannot sleep in his bed because he says he is having dreams and sometimes bad dreams. So, he has been sleeping with my mom. My son says that's the only way the bad dreams stop.



This isn't the first time my son had brought death or my dad up. My son was 9 months old the last he seen my dad before his death. About 5 months ago he asked about my dad's accident, he wants to know everything about it and I just don't have the details. No one does.



About 2 months ago my son asked if my dad was an angel (I haven't attended church in years but still believe in something) and I said yes and he is your guardian angel. I also told my son that my dad would protect him when he's scared or hurt or needs help. My mother has also explained that. About 3 months ago my son asked more questions about God and death. He asked why my daddy had to die. DH had to answer that question and he told our son that because God needed another angel and a hard worker and he only wants to take the best people. God needed my daddy for construction work (my father owned a drywall company).



My mom called my aunt who believes in everything, she also has a son that is 2 weeks older than mine. My aunt says her son speaks to my dad and sometimes cries for no reason. That her son needs a picture of my dad all the time. We're catholic and her son buys a candle all the time to light for my dad. Her son doesn't always do the crying or talking just sometimes.



I know when I found out about my current pregnancy I honestly thought about an abortion. Of course I had a dream about my dad and talked to him, I remember telling my he would watch my child (son-which makes me think LO is a boy) and that he would hurt if I did that. For a week or 2 I still thought about it. DH and I decided we can and we are financially stable for another child. I'm still going to school and DH is training to be a warehouse manager at his current job. I just found me another job that isn't so physical.



But I don't know what to tell my son. He doesn't watch anything violent nor play anything violent. No one really speaks of my dad's death. His name isn't really mentioned (could be more because they know I cannot handle it). I have no knowledge of any of his friends mentioning anything about death. My son just sometimes does this weird question asking. I want to be prepared next time so I don't get choked up.



TIA
Sorry for any errors (I was fighting back tears as I typed).

Mommy of 2 + 1 angel 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Pearl, Mississippi 19327 posts
8th Nov '12

Sometimes our loved ones can be seen by young children or visit them in their dreams. In my experience, aunt and uncles kids who had never met my grandfather would stand and play in their playpens and babble and giggle like they were playing with someone and when my grandmother would bring them in the kitchen and fix something to drink with one of the children in her arms they would point to a picture of my grandpa on the refrigerator and say "Papa" and they've never seen a picture of him or heard us talk about him. When my son died my daughter (she was only 18 months old) pointed at the ceiling saying "there's papaw and baby brother" So I think that up until a certain age they see these things and as they become more capable of understanding God doesn't allow them to see it anymore. Sounds like he may be experiencing the same and trying to understand it.

bfenway 51 kids; Huntersville, North Carolina 1538 posts
8th Nov '12

I would say you need to go and see someone about your fathers death. You need to figure out how to deal with his loss before you can comunicate better with your son about it. Death is never fun or easy, but we all have to figure out our own ways to deal with it. tI kinda sounds like you still havent dealt with it and really wont be able to help your son deal with it till you have

Just a thought

Mommy of 2 + 1 angel 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Pearl, Mississippi 19327 posts
8th Nov '12
Quoting bfenway:" I would say you need to go and see someone about your fathers death. You need to figure out how to deal ... [snip!] ... like you still havent dealt with it and really wont be able to help your son deal with it till you have Just a thought"


great advice :)

s00nt0b04 Due April 23; 3 kids; Louisville, Kentucky 477 posts
8th Nov '12
Quoting bfenway:" I would say you need to go and see someone about your fathers death. You need to figure out how to deal ... [snip!] ... like you still havent dealt with it and really wont be able to help your son deal with it till you have Just a thought"


I do go to confession and talk to my father as well as have phone sessions with my therapist on occasions maybe twice a month.

bfenway 51 kids; Huntersville, North Carolina 1538 posts
9th Nov '12

I would say it may be better to see your therpist once a week. I know anytime in life i have had issue the best thing i did was see someone. Talking on the phone isnt really the same as seeing someone. Also if you are talking about seeing your priest and doing confession i do think this is nice, but not sure it will have the same effect. There really is no good way to deal with death and we all deal with it differently. I really think you and you family would benifit from this and maybe the therpist will be able to help you answer your son or figure out how to work with him.

bfenway 51 kids; Huntersville, North Carolina 1538 posts
9th Nov '12

Also by getting everything out and becomming to grips wiht your fathers death you may feel better talking about him. You want your son to know what a amazing and wonderful person your day was and not focus on how or why he died. My childrens great grandmother and grandmother passed away this year. Our children remember what great times they had with them and understand they are angels in heaven. They know that we miss them and we still talk about them. It is a good thing and part of a healing process