Reply
Were you a victim of abuse? *warning: can emotionally trigge .Solange. 1 child; Montreal, 5566 posts
16th Nov '12

I was the victim of many abusers, emotionally, sexually, physically..the list goes on. Worst of all, I am the daughter of a narcissistic mother.



Although I love my mother dearly, she has made it clear that most of the time she can't stand me because I remind her of herself when she was my age. She was also a single mother struggling. She has told me that she's jealous of the fact that I go to therapy, and that she never had that chance. Most shocking to me was when she admitted that as a child, she always wanted to bash my head in the wall because I would throw fits. (I was a special needs child).



In my adult life, I still suffer considerably. I suffer with my self-confidence, my relationships, my job, my friendships, my emotions, my body image, the list goes on. What keeps me awake at night is the fear that my past may affect my role as a mother somehow which brings me to my main question...



For those of you who have been a victim of abuse, especially those who have been abused by a parent, how do you make sure that you don't repeat the same cycle as a parent yourself? Do you ever fear that it might affect your parenting one day?

KD [Eli's Mommy] Due August 27 (boy); 1 child; Carrollton, Georgia 858 posts
16th Nov '12

I was abused by my mother as a child. I think the fact that I can remember the abuse helps me to remind myself to not be too rough or harsh with my son. I am afraid that I will wind up being like her, but I try not to worry about it...then having a good support system helps.

Jimi Hendrix 1 child; Winter Garden, Florida 1121 posts
16th Nov '12

I just don't do things or say things to put my son's esteem down or anything like that.
My father use to tell me all the time how he wished my mother got an abortion with me or that I was adopted out of the family.. As a child I have behavioral issues . I do everything in my power to show my son, even at a young age, that I love him and care for him no matter what!!
I was also physically abused in a relationship once upon a time, I don't see that effecting my parenting beside the fact that now I am VERY careful as to whom I associate with and/or date and most deff don't bring people around my son until I am really totally comfortable with them.

lolajessup 3 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44076 posts
16th Nov '12

It's hard. You really need to watch yourself and adjust your behavior when you notice yourself "sounding or acting like your mother". I don't spank dd because I don't want to go too far. Sometimes I yell like my mother and I have to stop myself and just shut the door and my mouth. And deal with dd when I calm down. Don't punish out of a knee jerk reaction. Redirect your child to go compose yourself and think it through before handling the punishment. It takes a lot of self control and consciously thinking and focusing on it. Good luck mama. I feel your pain.

Queen Aries Baby 1 child; Orlando, Florida 12052 posts
16th Nov '12

i wsnt abused but my mother isnt the greatest role model. i just try my best to not be like her and if it seems like its something she would of done or did do i dont do it,



i wish you the best girl i know things arent easy but you deserve to be happy much happier then what you are!

✰ Mrs. B ✰ 2 kids; Texas 2640 posts
16th Nov '12

I was also raised by a NM. I basically use her as an example of what NOT to do as a parent! I also go to counseling to make sure I break the cycle rather than repeat it.

john casey (mtka) 3 kids; Bradley, Illinois 21994 posts
16th Nov '12

i was physically and emotionally abused by my father at the age of 8-11.



It doesnt really effect me really. i know that sounds odd... but i just let it all go. after he was out of our lives we all realized there was no point in holding onto it. a few years later we found out he was diagnosed with bi polar and schizophrenia so it made it even easier for us.



i think the best way to keep myself from repeating those mistakes is by realizing what i went through is wrong. letting it go. forgiving.

SavageDarling 3 kids; Webster, Massachusetts 10381 posts
16th Nov '12

My mother was emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive and extemely controlling and over bearing when i was growing up. I remember her telling me I was trashy when I was 11 for putting on a fake tattoo, and telling me she was going to take me to a doctor who would tell if I was a virgin when i was 12 because she said "i just looked like a little whore, i must be begging for it". She was scream and hit and call names when the housework and grades werent up to her standards. And she has never acknowledged that she sas anythjng but a wonderful nurturing mother, which makes it hard for me to be around her. I'm terrified that I'm going to repeat her mistakes and keep the cycle going. When I start to get upset though, I imagine how awful it felt to have mom do and say the things she did to me and how I never want my children to feel that way or to be afraid of me.
It's a difficult thing to deal with everyday, I scare myself sometimes but I know that if I ever start to feel out of control, I need to stop and leave or regroup. If there comes a day when I need I need outside help, I'm not afraid to get it.
My mother is a wonderful loving and nurturing grandmother. I found books in her house about how to deal with bipolar disorder and other mental health disorders as well as how to use different anger management techniques and breaking the cycles of abuse. So I know she is trying to get herself help, but I think to admit to herself that she was so terrible to her own children is very painful for her and I don't think she will ever deal with it openly with us, but I'm glad that she is trying to be better for her grandchildren.

Deanna Baldwin Due June 5 (girl); 2 kids; Lakenheath, United Kingdom 28 posts
16th Nov '12

i was being abused when i feel pregnant last time with number two i have never been able to forget it .it has made life hard i can not feel safe with anyone and it is getting in the way of this pregnancy i am nearly 12 weeks and all i do all day is sleep and try not to cry i feel very low with this pregnancy and lonely

Ravey Candyass 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Boston, Massachusetts 105254 posts
16th Nov '12

Physical and emotional abuse by my mother.
verbal/emotional abuse by my father.
emotional abuse by my two major exes.



In order to not repeat, I don't spank. At all. I will never hit my child. And I will never condescend them, fat/tubby/chubby/gross are not allowed to be used in my house. (Well I call chub, chub. But that will stop if she asks.)



I just try to do the opposite as my parents did

user banned Due November 26; 1 child; Parkersburg, West Virginia 9548 posts
16th Nov '12

my dad wasnt there emotionally and he liked to knock me around alot. my mom finally got him to stop hitting me in the head though. i wont spank my daughter. i will discipline her in other ways. everytime a kid would move towards me at school id duck my head. then i got made fun of for it. my so's mom is a narcissistic mother. he got beat and lots of things. he is such a good dad. you just have to remember and not do what they did.

GONE. PZ OUT. 2 kids; California 1278 posts
16th Nov '12

I try not to be a "victim" to anything. Why? Because life is too short. And there's always someone in the world who has it way worst than you

SavageDarling 3 kids; Webster, Massachusetts 10381 posts
16th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Nyla&Carina's Mommy:</b>" I try not to be a "victim" to anything. Why? Because life is too short. And there's always someone in the world who has it way worst than you"</blockquote>




This isn't really a debate about wether or not you consider yourself a "victim". If you have been on the receiving end of an abusive situation, you are by definition a victim of it. These women are obviously also survivors of abuse, but it doesn't change the fact that someone perpetrated an abuse against them. Don't belittle the title of victim like its something you choose.

GONE. PZ OUT. 2 kids; California 1278 posts
16th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting MommaSav2:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Nyla&Carina's Mommy:</b>" I try not to be a "victim" to anything. ... [snip!] ... the fact that someone perpetrated an abuse against them. Don't belittle the title of victim like its something you choose."</blockquote>




I think being a victim is more of a mentality.

Ravey Candyass 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Boston, Massachusetts 105254 posts
16th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Nyla&Carina's Mommy:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting MommaSav2:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Nyla&Carina's ... [snip!] ... the title of victim like its something you choose."</blockquote> I think being a victim is more of a mentality."</blockquote>




That is stupid. Do you think that I don't wake up everyday trying to forget about everything that has happened? I'd love to forget. I'd love to not twinge if someone raises a hand. I'd love to be able to leave my house alone and go do some shopping. I'd KILL for a full nights sleep, or a day without flashbacks.



It's not a mentality. I am a victim, and I am a survivor.