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I still to this day feel like the worst daughter sad vent... Little Richard's mommie! Due July 12; 1 child; Seneca, South Carolina 4293 posts
22nd Nov '12

This day two years ago was the last conversation I ever had with my father. I didn't know it'd be the last one, so I didn't savor the moment like I wish I would have. I remeber we talked for 4 hours almost. It was the best phone call of my life....something I will never forget. I wasn't allowed to speak to him because I was in DSS custody, so I always went behind their backs because I needed my parents. But to this day I still feel like the worst daughter in the entire world because I promised my daddy i'd call him back. He kept asking me over and over you will call me back won't you? I promised, and I was a stupid 16 year old girl who didn't know how to keep a promise. I wanted that relationship so bad. I kept saying everyday i'll call him tomorrow...but tomorrow never came. Until December 23rd, 2010 today is the day I will call him back. My caseworkers were coming by in an hour after I woke up, so I said after they leave I would. I wanted to tell my dad I loved him since I didn't have the courage before that day to tell him, and I hadn't since I had last had a visit with him and my mother right before my 10th birthday. But, I found out that day it was to late...I found out that he'd committed suicide 3 days prior to this. Now, to this day I can't shove the thought I keep carrying in the back of my mind (what if i'd called him back). I know I shouldn't dwell on the fact that I didn't. But now I am really thinking about it, and can't push the pain away. My sister who is visiting me, left today to go and spend the holiday with her boyfriend. Since I live on my own I went to see my mom, but after we got back I came home. BD isn't really in the picture so he's not around for emotional support right now, and I don't want to cry but I can't help it. I just needed to get that off my chest.

lolajessup Due July 25; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44057 posts
22nd Nov '12

I'm sorry sweetie. Ive heard your story in another thread before. It's not your fault. You couldn't do anything to change what happened. I've had regrets that are out of my control about my dads suicide before too. But it doesn't help. It doeant change it. It's hard to accept that you cant change the past and your regrets. But honestly d he was going to do it he probably would have done it regardless if he talked to you again or not. My dad killed himself while I was two years old and he was watching me. Mental illnesa is a serious thing and to be at that point they're not thinking rationally. Because what ration person leaves their innocent two year old
Home alone to go die? They're past the point of reason and nothing can change the inevitable sweetie. I know it's hard. I know it's not fair. But you can't blame yourself. *hugs*

Little Richard's mommie! Due July 12; 1 child; Seneca, South Carolina 4293 posts
22nd Nov '12
Quoting lolajessup:" I'm sorry sweetie. Ive heard your story in another thread before. It's not your fault. You couldn't do ... [snip!] ... and nothing can change the inevitable sweetie. I know it's hard. I know it's not fair. But you can't blame yourself. *hugs*"


I know I wouldn't have been able to change it, and that he wasn't happy with his life. I just wish I'd have known. Now that i'm pregnant it makes it so much harder emotionally to keep a strong face. I didn't want to tell my sister not to go because she is a grown woman and all. So I guess feel super alone today even though I went to my moms, which I wasn't even planning to do, but I figured I didn't need to stay inside my house alone on today. I just hate this right now, and I just don't know how to shove it past me. I deal with it fine on most days, and then the days that hurt most like today I just break apart and cry.

lolajessup Due July 25; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44057 posts
22nd Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting BOSM to a little boy 23 w:</b>" I know I wouldn't have been able to change it, and that he wasn't happy with his life. I just wish I'd ... [snip!] ... to shove it past me. I deal with it fine on most days, and then the days that hurt most like today I just break apart and cry."</blockquote>



Just let yourself grieve. That's all you can do. Pray about it I'd that helps you. That's how I find strength a lot.

Little Richard's mommie! Due July 12; 1 child; Seneca, South Carolina 4293 posts
22nd Nov '12
Quoting lolajessup:" <blockquote><b>Quoting BOSM to a little boy 23 w:</b>" I know I wouldn't have been ... [snip!] ... Just let yourself grieve. That's all you can do. Pray about it I'd that helps you. That's how I find strength a lot."

It's definitely worth a try. Thanks : )