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Ella Minnow Pea Delight, Arkansas 3822 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting TheNuge:" It sounds like a screwy relationship with imbalance in roles. It's hard to know what "stepping up" ... [snip!] ... SOMEONE has to lead. In a healthy relationship, different aspects of the partnership are lead by one or the other partner."


See?! Now why couldn't I have said it so plainly and concisely?!

Leisurely Duchess 1 child; Monterey, California 25884 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting Dahling:" Sorry if it came across that way, because I didn't mean that. I meant that marriage nowadays must be ... [snip!] ... most part, but like you said, there are those hiccups that come up once in a while that sure do put us through the ringer! haha"


You can say that again lol

Ella Minnow Pea Delight, Arkansas 3822 posts
28th Nov '12

Alright ladies, it's been fun! My darling husband is on his way home with the groceries (lucky me, I get out of grocery shopping this week just for letting him take my car to work!), so I'm going to head out now. Maybe I'll check back in tomorrow to see if anything else has been posted. :) Nighty-night!

Nathan Young 2 kids; Syracuse, New York 57581 posts
status 28th Nov '12
Quoting TheNuge:" It sounds like a screwy relationship with imbalance in roles. It's hard to know what "stepping up" ... [snip!] ... SOMEONE has to lead. In a healthy relationship, different aspects of the partnership are lead by one or the other partner."


I fundamentally disagree that someone in a relationship must "lead".



I think relationships have moments where one, or the other, may have to make a decision and take a "leadership role" for a hot second, but the idea that one person is the "head"-- that is not required for a healthy and harmonious relationship.

Leisurely Duchess 1 child; Monterey, California 25884 posts
28th Nov '12

You can't have a partnership with a leader, it's like having a squared circle. Married bachelors.



You either have a leader and a follower, the dominant and submissive, or a partnership of equals.

TheNuge 1 child; Pennsylvania 22822 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting The Doctor:" I fundamentally disagree that someone in a relationship must "lead". I think relationships have moments ... [snip!] ... for a hot second, but the idea that one person is the "head"-- that is not required for a healthy and harmonious relationship."


I think there is always a "head of ____" in an equal partnership even if it is not spoken of. I also think that the person that thinks they are the "head of household" nearly always defers to the non-head.
For instance, I'm thinking of 3 marriages i know of that are 30+ yrs old. In each one, the wife runs the show but both husband and wife would say that he is the head of household.
In my situation, I am a fiercely independent, opinionated, accomplished, strong woman married to a similar man. I'd consider him the head of household and he sees himself that way, but I basically rule :-) lol

Nathan Young 2 kids; Syracuse, New York 57581 posts
status 28th Nov '12
Quoting TheNuge:" I think there is always a "head of ____" in an equal partnership even if it is not spoken of. I also ... [snip!] ... married to a similar man. I'd consider him the head of household and he sees himself that way, but I basically rule :-) lol"


I'm trying to think how to put this... of course, we've had lots of conversations and know very different people...



But-- okay. If one person is the "head" and the other person is actually doing the work, or has the power, or whatever you want to call it-- how is that person the head of the household? Sounds like an ego thing. I must be seen as the head of this household!



Honestly, what I just took from your reply is that there really is no head of the household, but one person wants to be seen that way, or wants to see the other person that way, so you slap a label on it. KWIM? That label, however, is not the way the relationship functions? But still necessary for a healthy relationship, that one person is labled as the person "in charge". Either with words, or without.

Destinite TTC since May 2011; 1 child; 2 angel babies; Florida 30927 posts
28th Nov '12

Both my husband and myself are leaders. We both lead our household & I wouldn't change that for anything!

TheNuge 1 child; Pennsylvania 22822 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting The Doctor:" I'm trying to think how to put this... of course, we've had lots of conversations and know very different ... [snip!] ... still necessary for a healthy relationship, that one person is labled as the person "in charge". Either with words, or without."


I think that most, not all, men have a need to feel like they are the provider and the decision-maker. They also have a need to feel like they are taking wonderful care of their family by providing for all their needs and many/most wants. "Head of household" is more of a figure-head.
I suppose you could call it an ego-thing OR you could acknowledge that, in general, men and women are different and the yin-yang makes it all work.

Nathan Young 2 kids; Syracuse, New York 57581 posts
status 28th Nov '12
Quoting TheNuge:" I think that most, not all, men have a need to feel like they are the provider and the decision-maker. ... [snip!] ... call it an ego-thing OR you could acknowledge that, in general, men and women are different and the yin-yang makes it all work."


Hmm. Yes, but yin and yang are equals (and there is male in female, and female in male). There is not an inherent value in being one or the other, as a "head of household", IMO, creates.



And I mean, a "need to feel like they are the provider and decision maker".... okay. But what if they are not? There are plenty of perfectly wonderful fathers and husbands who are not the breadwinner. Doesn't make them any less of a man, or their relationship any less healthy and fulfilling.

MysticWitchKat 2052 posts
28th Nov '12

Oh lord one of those...... Yeah you can forget even arguing logic with the whole "We are equal although my husband treats me like a child" crowd because they have it set that even though he is in charge, and makes all the decisions that it's not really sexist. If that is what makes you happen then good for you, but lets not pretend it's equality.

Back to Noob Status Ohio 14048 posts
28th Nov '12

I'm of the opinion that men and women are equals in relationships, so...no. Just no.

Tarynosaurus Rex San Antonio, Texas 1271 posts
28th Nov '12

I get angry when I see shit like this. You better believe there's no way in hell my bf is going to "lead" me and I'm certainly not going to allow his decision to be the final one just because he has a dick dangling between his legs. I was taught not to be a man's doormat thank you very much.
That's why when I get married I am taking "obey" out of my vows.

LolaMcKitten Due May 30 (girl); 27 kids; Beverly Hills, California 15496 posts
28th Nov '12

That is very foreign to me. I grew up in a house with a stay -at -home dad and my mom running the family business and now that I am an adult, I also lead a very non-traditional family life.



In our family, my SO "leads" certain areas because he is better with making decisions where money are concerned, and planning things like schedules - but I "lead" other areas - we work to each of our strengths, but no one "leads" the entire family and makes final choices.



I don't think it's healthy for someone to just accept and follow their partner because they are male, that's ridiculous and outdated.

Icup Mipharts 2 kids; Cold Lake, AB, Canada 33648 posts
status 28th Nov '12
Quoting Tarynosaurus Rex:" I get angry when I see shit like this. You better believe there's no way in hell my bf is going to "lead" ... [snip!] ... I was taught not to be a man's doormat thank you very much. That's why when I get married I am taking "obey" out of my vows."


Or, you could write your own vows completely.