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HopingforaMiracle 1 child; USA 21636 posts
28th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mel & a girl named Pey:</b>" I hate seeing my dad so bored and feeling useless but he also get so mean now (part of the stroke) and ... [snip!] ... at times. He can't help it in most cases (he has actually had a few strokes...2 bad 1 minor) so I just feel bad for them both. "</blockquote>



I would too

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
28th Nov '12

Do you think it is important for a SAHM, no matter how stable her relationship with her husband is, should have a higher education and extensive work experience (i.e. a career) prior to having children?



I believe obtaining a higher education is very important prior to having children or rather I should say, the smart thing to do. I didn't take that route, but I am fully aware that what I am doing is risky. I have put all of my eggs in one basket, I 100% rely on my husband financially and have put my education goals on hold for now.



If my husband were to die, and didn't take me off as the sole beneficiary, I would inherit what is left over of his 400k life insurance policy. If my husband were to kick me out tonight I would be able to afford to move back home with DS and "get by" for a months. When I say get by, I would have to rely on family temporarily until I was able to find a job. My husband and I have both agreed that, for my peace of mind, I should save money in my own bank account from his pay checks, money aside from our joint savings. I have my own bank account that he can not access, I can access each one of his as I am joint on them.



Although the wiser choice would have been to go to college prior to ttc, obtain a degree, and not be so dependent on my husband, but that isn't the way I did things. I can't say for sure if I would ever fall back on assistance, I'd certainly qualify if he left me. The only way I could see that happening is if my family and friends back home turned their backs on me completely and I had absolutely no where to go.

user banned Des Moines, Iowa 1848 posts
28th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting 624582:</b>" Do you think it is important for a SAHM, no matter how stable her relationship with her husband is, should ... [snip!] ... that happening is if my family and friends back home turned their backs on me completely and I had absolutely no where to go."</blockquote>




Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders.



I would never go to my family for money, though. We just don't have that type of relationship, and somehow it would turn into a fight.
Fortunately, I don't have to worry about that, though.

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting Safka9973:" <blockquote><b>Quoting 624582:</b>" Do you think it is important for a SAHM, no matter ... [snip!] ... have that type of relationship, and somehow it would turn into a fight. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about that, though."


Oh, no. My family doesn't have money, I'd go to them for a place to stay temporarily until I had steady income. I have a decent savings, but nothing that would last me a year on my own with everything included. I'm from Maryland and it's fairly expensive, IMO. Well in comparison to where we currently live. To rent an apartment/townhouse in a decent area in Maryland it would be roughly $1,200 a month for a 2 bedroom, that's just rent. If I were to stay with a family or friend temporarily I could afford to pay them for a room to rent, supply DS and my own food, a sitter, as well as other small bills for a few months. I just wouldn't find it wise for me to sign a lease on an apartment without getting a job first nor would I be able to. I'd be laughed out of a leasing office if I tried to sign a contract without proof of income.

......... nowhere, NW, United States 25972 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting Back to Noob Status:" This is to SAHMs. If your husband passed away or if you two divorced/broke up, how many of you would ... [snip!] ... work experience and would be screwed if their SO left them. Do you think it is dangerous to rely on a man 100% financially?"


Without assistance? Probably not...
But do I think it's dangerous? No. Where there's a will, there's away. You do what you have to do to survive.
You can't live day to day thinking what if. You live in the here and now.
In the grand scheme of things, assistance isn't all that bad...



Sometimes I wish I would have waited to have kids but it didn't happen that way. And I'm not sure if I'd do it over given the chance. I wouldn't have the kids I have now if I did...

user banned 1 child; Germany 12377 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting 624582:" Do you think it is important for a SAHM, no matter how stable her relationship with her husband is, should ... [snip!] ... that happening is if my family and friends back home turned their backs on me completely and I had absolutely no where to go."

Ideally everyone should get an education and job prior to having children, lol. It's great that everything is working out for you, but you are a good example of why you should have an education or work experience of some sort (no offense intended).

Kaleighshaleigh 3 kids; USA 5489 posts
28th Nov '12

I got my degree before I was married, but I don't think you need a higher education in order to be successful in life. I know many people that have started their own businesses or worked their way up to management positions and have made a great living for themselves without a degree.



In regards to your question...
If husband died- I know that I would be taken care of, because of the life insurance that I would receive. I would be able to stay at home at least until my children were all school aged and then I would get a job. I also have plenty of family that would help if I was ever in need.



If divorced- I have no doubt that I would be just fine. I know plenty of people within the business community thanks to my previous work experience and my husband's business connections, so I don't think getting a job would be an issue. And as I said before I have plenty of family that would be willing to help if my children and I were in need. We all believe that family should take care of each other. Not the government.

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
28th Nov '12
Quoting Rd.:" Ideally everyone should get an education and job prior to having children, lol. It's great that everything ... [snip!] ... for you, but you are a good example of why you should have an education or work experience of some sort (no offense intended)."


None taken. I am lucky enough to have some odds in my favor, but I'm aware that what I have isn't ideal for most women or men. I'd never suggest that anyone at the age of 19 ttc with only a GED/High school diploma and only minimum wage experience, like myself. I could think of worse decisions, but I could also think of many smarter choices.



I'd like to believe that I'd never have to use my safety net, no matter how small it may be, but it is nice to know that I at least have something there for right now. I believe my husband would continue to support DS if we were to split, he has also stated numerous times that he would never leave me to fend for myself considering that I haven't worked in so long. But, we're not divorced right now. It's a lot easier to say that when you're not actually in the process of divorcing, and your relationship is great.

*sarah*jean* 3 kids; Castle Rock, Washington 5286 posts
29th Nov '12

I'm a SAHM by joint choice of myself/husband. I've held a job since I was 18, to the day before I went into labor, haha. I had chicky butt at 25, so I know well enough how to take care of business if need be. I've also became comfortable in our lifestyle now (husband makes more than I would be able to if something were to happen), so I've been working towards my RN for about a 1.5 yrs. I think it's important to not rely on anyone 100%, even if you have a love like nobody else. Things happen and if you can't take care of yourself, you need to work on a plan to head that direction.

DisneyMommy 34 kids; Florida 6301 posts
29th Nov '12

I have been through both,.



My first childs father abandoned us, and my second childs father passed away,.
although I was not a SAHM with the first situation.



My Husband did not just die and leave us with nothing, he was a hard working career and business man who provided for family, and I did not go back to work in an outside the home job since he died. His life insurance, pensions, and business kept us afloat,. and I started up my own real estate investments, made into a business, and do a work at home job around my kids schedules,.



Yes I do think women should have some sort of education and job experience before having kids, ideally, as well as real world experience and knowing how to survive on their own, not just financially but in every other way.



Getting a higher education is not the only thing that will insure you against hard times,. actual job experience, work ethic, business knowledge,knowing how to live and operate independantly is what will get you through anything.

justanothamotha Due January 20; 130 kids; Climax, Michigan 5120 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting Back to Noob Status:" This is to SAHMs. If your husband passed away or if you two divorced/broke up, how many of you would ... [snip!] ... work experience and would be screwed if their SO left them. Do you think it is dangerous to rely on a man 100% financially?"

Have NOT read the thread ye t- will go back after posting.



Would never (ever) ever stay home except for the fact that I can support myself. I would feel too vulnerable.



Dh loves that too - we talked about it pre-kids. If you have an education & good work experience & good earnings potential...then your man KNOWS you stay because you want to - never because you have to.



When we decided I would stay home, I made more money than Dh - so I know unequivocally not only could I pay the bills - our "standard of living" would likely go up...lol I think me being able to stay home though means our "quality of life" goes up - so that is why I do it. ;)

TheNuge 1 child; Pennsylvania 22822 posts
29th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting DisneyMommyTTC#3:</b>" I have been through both,. My first childs father abandoned us, and my second childs father passed away,. ... [snip!] ... experience, work ethic, business knowledge,knowing how to live and operate independantly is what will get you through anything."</blockquote>




You said it very well. It's not just education. It's knowing how to live life on your own. It's knowing how insurance works and how and when to do preventative maintenance on important things. It's how to get things accomplished though other people and how to be self-reliant.
People often learn from their mistakes and there are usually less severe repercussions when the mistake happens when you are single and young compared to being abandoned with 3 kids to care for.



I think a parents greatest responsibility is to prepare their kids for life as a healthy, productive person. They can only do so much before the kids needs to fly on their own. All people should be able to fly on their own and usually you need some practice before partnering.

justanothamotha Due January 20; 130 kids; Climax, Michigan 5120 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting TheNuge:" <blockquote><b>Quoting DisneyMommyTTC#3:</b>" I have been through both,. My first ... [snip!] ... needs to fly on their own. All people should be able to fly on their own and usually you need some practice before partnering."

ITA! I think that That is what is hardest for me to swallow when I hear a young woman (18, 19) say she is "mature for he rage" and ready to TTC. I think, really? How on earth can I explain to you everything you actually don't know yet that would make being a mom soooo much easier on everyone if you did know first? I have known plenty of young moms who are good moms - that isn't the point. The point is anyone who would be a good mom at 19 would still be a good mom at 25/26 AND be a lot less vulnerable & a lot more settled & have an easier time juggling it all too.

TheNuge 1 child; Pennsylvania 22822 posts
29th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" ITA! I think that That is what is hardest for me to swallow when I hear a young woman (18, 19) say she ... [snip!] ... be a good mom at 25/26 AND be a lot less vulnerable & a lot more settled & have an easier time juggling it all too."</blockquote>




By the time a person is in her mid-20s, she has learned how to hold a job, pay bills and care for people or things besides her own hygiene and wardrobe.
She probably has had a few failures and is a better person BECAUSE of the failure.
And, people's hopes and dreams change with maturity. What a 19 year old wants in a partner and what a 28 yr old want are probably different. Goals change appropriately!

Phallus Cranium fuknutz, NM, Togo 103378 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting Will☮Creedence:" I don't agree with that last statement at all. Kids should be with their mothers first and foremost. ... [snip!] ... them all in daycare and working. ETA ignore all of that. I just realized you were talking about after the kids grow up lol"


I don't agree with this statement at all either :?

smfh