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Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11606 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting MyMonkeysNAMEisFINGERS:" Can you go spy on him at work? Or get someone else that works with him to spy for you? I don't care of it's sleazy, I would do it if it means saving my marriage, or lack thereof."

Spying on him won't solve anything. She already knows he's having an inappropriate relationship with this woman based on the fact that he's sending her so many texts and getting extremely defensive about the nature of their supposed "friendship." Besides, it will only add to the paranoia and more or less make things worse in general.



In other words it won't accomplish anything since she knows he's already doing something he shouldn't be doing.



OP, what I would do is sit down with him one more time and lay everything out on the table. Collect all of the evidence you have by printing out your phone bills with copies of the texts and place them in front of him. Ask him how he would feel if you were talking to another man that much. If he says he wouldn't mind he's full of crap and let him know just that.



After that tell him to stop treating you like an idiot (which is exactly what he's doing by pretending nothing is going on). It doesn't take a genius to figure out that 500+ texts a month to someone of the opposite sex when you're married is completely inappropriate.



Tell him it's not the fact that she's woman that bothers you but it's the fact that he's so involved with her that eats you up inside. Not only this but let him know how much it hurts to be so very disrespected by him. By ignoring your requests to stop talking to her he's disrespecting you on a whole other level and that's not okay. It's not like you're asking much of him to begin with anyway (and remind him of that!).



After you tell him these things give him an ultimatum. Either he can stop talking to her and start seeing a therapist with you or he can expect consequences. What those consequences are is up to you but I would personally threaten a separation (not a divorce, just a separation). He needs to know he can't continue on with this. I would also remind him that relationships in the workplace are considered inappropriate and they could get fired for it if they don't watch out. It doesn't take much in a lot of places and if their boss were to find out they're texting one another constantly s/he would probably be none to pleased.



Good luck.

Pey and Trista's mommy Due January 5; 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Houston, Texas 42503 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting Raptor Jesus:" Spying on him won't solve anything. She already knows he's having an inappropriate relationship with ... [snip!] ... and if their boss were to find out they're texting one another constantly s/he would probably be none to pleased. Good luck. "


I agree! And I just want to say OP if she were just a good friend he should be able to invite her over to get to know you and that should have been the case from the beginning. Shit, I am still friends with the guy I lost my V card to and he is friends with my husband too. My husband knows EVERYTHING too.

[Living Dead Girl] 18 kids; Pennsylvania 3193 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting Raptor Jesus:" Spying on him won't solve anything. She already knows he's having an inappropriate relationship with ... [snip!] ... and if their boss were to find out they're texting one another constantly s/he would probably be none to pleased. Good luck. "

I will try that. Thank you. I took screenshots of everything to count the texts, but he deleted them from my computer. Well, he copied them, put it on his (We have two different users on my laptop) and hid it in his music and titled the folder "WTF" that's how he kept getting her number to text her after it was deleted from his phone. And the phone records. I'm going to talk to him about counseling. I actually just sent him a text saying that I think we should go. So we will see how that goes. I will talk to him more about it when I wake up and when he gets home. It definitely doesn't help that they work the same shift, and holidays together and I'm stuck at home by myself. :cry:

Pey and Trista's mommy Due January 5; 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Houston, Texas 42503 posts
29th Nov '12
Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" I will try that. Thank you. I took screenshots of everything to count the texts, but he deleted them ... [snip!] ... home. It definitely doesn't help that they work the same shift, and holidays together and I'm stuck at home by myself. :cry:"


I am sorry you are having to go through this. Don't accept that...you deserve respect!

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11606 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting Mel & a girl named Pey:" I agree! And I just want to say OP if she were just a good friend he should be able to invite her over ... [snip!] ... I am still friends with the guy I lost my V card to and he is friends with my husband too. My husband knows EVERYTHING too."

This too. If they were really just friends and nothing more then she would be involved in his actual life. Instead they're choosing to operate on a very personal level which indicates they're hiding something.



Anyway, I have several exes I'm still friends with and a few of them have even met my husband. We've actually hung out with a few of my them at various intervals and he knows I still talk to some of them on occasion. With that being said he also knows I'm 100% open about the nature of my friendship with them and that if he has any questions whatsoever he can ask away.



Fortunately for me he's not jealous and he trusts me so the fact that I'm friends with a few of my exes has not caused any issues whatsoever. I'm also not overly friendly with them though. When I say I'm "friends" with them I mean we might talk on Facebook once in a while and nothing more. There's no way I would feel comfortable with being any closer and I'm sure my husband wouldn't appreciate it either. The bottom line is there's just no reason for me to get close with any of the men I've dated. We can be friendly and converse here and there but there's no reason to go any further than that.

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11606 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" I will try that. Thank you. I took screenshots of everything to count the texts, but he deleted them ... [snip!] ... home. It definitely doesn't help that they work the same shift, and holidays together and I'm stuck at home by myself. :cry:"

Sounds good. I would definitely wait until you guys can sit down face to face before saying anything else though. Good luck!

[Living Dead Girl] 18 kids; Pennsylvania 3193 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting Raptor Jesus:" This too. If they were really just friends and nothing more then she would be involved in his actual ... [snip!] ... any of the men I've dated. We can be friendly and converse here and there but there's no reason to go any further than that."

Yeah, I don't appreciate him being so shady. When I texted him about counseling I said he was being so defensive with the whole situation and I think we can get to the bottom of it with counseling and he texted back with "Really?" And usually with that he means "Wtf seriously? I wasn't being defensive"

Pey and Trista's mommy Due January 5; 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Houston, Texas 42503 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" Yeah, I don't appreciate him being so shady. When I texted him about counseling I said he was being so ... [snip!] ... it with counseling and he texted back with "Really?" And usually with that he means "Wtf seriously? I wasn't being defensive""


Tell him yes then stop talking about it in a text. This is something that needs face to face time.

fxtradingmummy TTC since Jul 2011; 2 kids; London, United Kingdom 413 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting Mel & a girl named Pey:" Tell him yes then stop talking about it in a text. This is something that needs face to face time."

This:!::!::!:



And IMO he is having an EA ...And for him to run and tell her about your abortion is such a disrespectful and douche bag move what an asshole!!! i would of ended it just for that imo that should be between husband and wife. did he comfort you after??? or just went to her.? When you 2 are home alone is he still texting her?

[Living Dead Girl] 18 kids; Pennsylvania 3193 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting fxtradingmummy:</b>" This:!::!::!: And IMO he is having an EA ...And for him to run and tell her about your abortion is such ... [snip!] ... between husband and wife. did he comfort you after??? or just went to her.? When you 2 are home alone is he still texting her?"</blockquote>




His friend came over afterwards, so no. I guess she asked him what was wrong at work and he told her And yeah I found quit a bit of texts that he sent her on his days off but they mainly started when he left the. House.

O ♥ G 2 kids; Pride, Louisiana 10723 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:</b>" Oh, and I forgot to add this. While he was at the bar she was asking if he was on the "leash" tonight. ... [snip!] ... Why should he? Then she was in the hospital and left work one night he sent her like 5 texts in a row asking if she was okay."</blockquote>




Sounds like they are definitely at least in an emotional relationship. You have every reason to NOT trust him so don't take him up on his obvious bullshit. Put your foot down. You deserve better. I'm sorry but no man has any business sending over 500 texts a month to a woman he is not in a committed relationship with (unless it's like a childhood friend who is more like family or a family member) NOR should he be telling her details or YOUR personal life and every little thing you say. Your man is a disrespectful conniving asshole.

Not here to please you 3 kids; Jacksonville, Florida 2214 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting [Living Dead Girl]:" <blockquote><b>Quoting fxtradingmummy:</b>" This:!::!::!: And IMO he is having an ... [snip!] ... told her And yeah I found quit a bit of texts that he sent her on his days off but they mainly started when he left the. House."


You can call cell phone company and have all those txts that were sent back and forth between them emailed to you. I'm sorry your going threw all this , and wouldnt wish marriage problems on anyone. Me and my husband went to counseling in being of our marriage not for this reason. But it does help alot and get you both see each other sides. From there you can decide whether or not this going work out. And if it not its better to know now than later an save you and your kid from more heart ache in long run. No matter what happens I wish you best and remember put your kid first, because if your not happy he going feel it.

EnnaBennaBanana Due February 2; 2 kids; Maryland 6195 posts
30th Nov '12

I don't know if I could stay in a relationship like that. If I was married to a man like that, I'd prob try marriage counseling. If it's just a dating relationship and you don't have kids together then I'd prob try to move on asap.
But being married talk to him.. see if marriage counseling IS an option. See if he's willing to work on things, let him know you don't want to stay with a man who is going to continue to treat you this way, and you won't. If he wants to work on saving this marriage he better get his butt to work. And he needs to cut off all ties with this other girl.

KissMeFinnNelson<3 1 child; 2 angel babies; Glasgow, Scotland, UK, United Kingdom 5406 posts
30th Nov '12

You know what you should do pretend you didn't write this thread and it's another person completely and you've just came into read it and then ask yourself what you would think reading it and what advice you would give that woman. If you can't see then how glaringly obviously wrong their relationship I don't know what will make you realise. He is playing you for a fool.

[Living Dead Girl] 18 kids; Pennsylvania 3193 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting Carla DiFiore:" You can call cell phone company and have all those txts that were sent back and forth between them emailed ... [snip!] ... long run. No matter what happens I wish you best and remember put your kid first, because if your not happy he going feel it. "

I thought they weren't able to do that without a warrant?