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Military wives ~*Navy Wife*~ Washington 3159 posts
29th Nov '12

Do you ever have a sense of regret when it comes to becoming a military wife?



I love my husband with every ounce of me, but I'm realizing my life isn't what I hoped for. At all. I'm realizing I am home alone with my kids more than not. I think I may be glamourizing our perfect relationship in my head. Today I realized my husband has spent not even half of my daughters life with us since she's been born. She'll be 3 1/2 in December. I'm so happy that I've found ways to help her know her daddy more and she adores him. Our son is almost 18 months and same thing- my husband has only been here with him half his life exactly. :( It breaks my heart. When I go out with friends, most of them have horrible things to say about their husbands, their sex lives, and everything between... I have NOTHING bad to say about my husband. I have always been so proud of that... then I ask myself 'well maybe he's gone so much, we never have time to find things we can't stand about each other. He's everything to me- we do skype every day right now and fortunately, there are only a few months left for this deployment after a year. Still though- I feel so alone. All the time. Like a single, stay at home mother who gets a paycheck. Which I absolutely hate spending by the way- call it pride I guess. I just wonder if there is ever any way to feel whole in a military relationship. I don't have strong relationships with family. I have friends- but they are spread out all over the country and not many here. What can I do to kick this feeling? Sometimes it feels easier to just pretend my life is perfect like I always have. Please don't get me wrong- my husband is an amazing person and I am so proud of everything he does. He's smart, and talented, and I'm very attracted to him and he's so good to me & does what he can. I'm just tired of feeling like my relationship is determined by military schedules. I know it's the life we chose- but I couldn't help falling in love with a military man either. I also worry about my babies and how this lifestyle is impacting them. I'm starting to feel so depressed, I worry how that's impacting them as well. Sometimes I wish I could just turn the emotions off, but I'm sick of feeling alone. I'm tired of feeling unloved and I'm tired of raising our children alone. We're worried about the security of a job if he were to get out, so that isn't an option- and I'm okay with that- I support him 100%. But ideas on how to cope with this and accept this lifestyle would really help. Even words of encouragement that I'm not the only one who feels this way would be great. TIA. And so sorry for the overload of rambling here.

~Mrs.SoldierBoy~ Due September 2 (boy); 1 child; Colorado 4969 posts
30th Nov '12

It's tough, it really is. Military life is NOT for everyone. You have to be a very unique kind of strong. I never wanted to fall in love with a soldier either but I did and I may not like it, per say, but I love him with everything. I'm going to stand by him no matter what career choice he makes. Being away from each other SUCKS but you have to make the best of it. Keep yourself as busy as possible, I know that's hard sometimes. Try to make some friends if you can. Maybe other military wives that know what you're going through. Join your FRG. Just keep busy and focus on the positive things. That's really all I can say because I know it's a very tough situation and there isn't much you can do about them leaving (well there isn't ANYTHING you can do).

Alyssa Hilson 1 child; Washington 4 posts
30th Nov '12

Hey girl ,ur not alone . Is your husband army or airforce . I see your in Washington that's where I'm at,only been here a year . My hubby is gone on a tdy and I'm home with a newborn . It's been very frustrating because its my first baby and I know he will be gone a lot tooo. It Sucks for us :(

Rette Mich 1 child; Texas 27603 posts
30th Nov '12

Im not married to a soldier but almost every man in my family and in laws was/is one. I know it was hard just being a family member of one so I cant really imagine what you are going through. I really hope you do find your way!

~*Navy Wife*~ Washington 3159 posts
30th Nov '12

I'm not near a base right now. My husband is stationed in Portland Oregon, and I moved a little south to be with family during this deployment. He was sent unexpectly while on shore duty. He's in the navy. I will be back in Vancouver area in a few months. I think that's the hardest part because I can't relate to anyone here. Family doesn't understand. I spent 4 years in the navy myself- that's how I met my husband. I got out when our daughter was 5 months at the end of my term. It's been super hard ever since. I just wish family and friends here understood more- it's not the same as the military family I was used to! I can't wait to live on a real military base again.

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11606 posts
30th Nov '12

How long has he been in the military for and how long have you guys been together? I ask because sometimes it takes several years for a military couple to settle into a comfortable place and even then it never gets easy. Instead you just find better ways of coping with the distance. That sounds depressing but it really does get better with time for a lot of people.



The way I've coped with being married to a man who's gone all the time is by keeping myself busy. Have you thought about going to school or work? Even finding a part time job or taking a few classes can improve your overall mood SO much. I find that whenever I keep myself busy outside of the house my self worth improves tenfold, even if it's something incredibly innocuous like meeting a friend for lunch several days a week.



Speaking of which, forming a group of friends who understand what you're going through is more important than words can express. It's easy to confine yourself and stay at home a lot when your husband is gone and you're feeling depressed but it's so important to get out and just be social. Socializing will also improve your self worth and overall attitude. It's weird because I almost never feel like getting ready and going out but once I do I feel SO much better. There's also the added support of having friends who understand you. Start talking to some of your husband's friends' wives or find a group of women on Facebook even. Just get out there and get your mind off of being alone and if your children prevent you from getting out as much as possible look into something like a mother's morning out group. It might sound small but it can help how you feel so incredibly much.



As for how I personally feel about being married to a man in the military I must say I don't regret it one bit. I LOVE our life as a military couple. We have been together going on four years and have been married for almost two. We have a one year old little boy as well. We have moved three times already and will be PCSing to North Carolina on December 20th. We will actually be able to spend three whole years in one place so we're looking very forward to that.



Anyway, I grew up in a military family as my mom eventually became a Captain in the Army before working for the CIA and then married my step dad who was an Admiral in the Navy at the time. Both of them were gone a lot and while it wasn't easy it definitely didn't ruin my relationship with either of them. Don't worry about your children because they will get along just fine. Children are able to adapt to new situations much easier than we give them credit for (and I'm saying this from not just observations but also personal experience). I actually have a childhood memory of going to kindergarten class every day and bragging, "My mom is in the Army!" She made me very proud, even as a small child. I actually loved the fact that she was in the military.



Okay, this is getting way too long but I want to say one more thing: My experience has been that the more you keep yourself active and do things that benefit not just yourself but also those around you, the better you feel about life in general. Try to focus on the positive as much as possible. You said you "pretend" everything is fine but based on what you say there's nothing to pretend about. You have a wonderful husband, a strong marriage, and two lovely children. Focus on these things rather than what you don't have (like a husband who is gone a lot). I know it's easier said than done but it's possible so keep giving it a try.



The most important thing of all is to remember that this too shall pass. What you're feeling right now won't last forever. Good luck.

armymommyof3 3 kids; Texas 276 posts
30th Nov '12

Hello:) i have only been a military wife for 9 months and most of my relationship (7 years) out of the military so adjustment was not easy. I have to say though seeing him happy and enjoying his career makes it worth it that may be corny but having him happy makes the relationship better. Our son was 5 months when he went to training and almost 11 months when he came home he was distant from my husband and that was hard but he adjusted and i feel blessed he is with us now and that is all that i look forward to. I try not to think.of the time apart its painful. I try focusing on positive things stay strong and try being positive we only are given what we can handle everything will work out:)

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11606 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting mum2two2&under:" I'm not near a base right now. My husband is stationed in Portland Oregon, and I moved a little south ... [snip!] ... understood more- it's not the same as the military family I was used to! I can't wait to live on a real military base again."

I'm in a similar situation actually. My husband and I spent six months in Quantico, VA while he went to the Basic School and right now he's spending two months in MD for some additional training. We had moved from Charleston, SC to VA in February and rather than moving for a third time in less than a year we decided to put our things in storage and my son and I would stay with family during this two month period. In the long run it makes everything much easier. We are moving yet again on December 20th so I was keen on skipping the move to MD and staying with my dad and step mom in Georgia instead.



Despite all the added bonuses of staying with family, however, there are definitely some tough parts like being away from certain friends and other family in SC. I haven't been very social here even though this is my hometown and I know tons of people. I'm just not motivated to see these people so I've more or less been with family and no one else since September. I would probably feel like absolute crap if it wasn't for my son and hobbies keeping me busy. I make a lot of jewelry and sell it and I've also been doing things to help my family out around the house and office so all of that keeps me too busy to think about everything I miss right now. Of course the nights are always really hard though. I hate having to sleep alone but I deal with it and count down the days until I see my husband again.



Long story short, I know how you feel.

~*Navy Wife*~ Washington 3159 posts
30th Nov '12

We've been together 7 years and married 5- our whole relationship has been since we both joined (or just after. lol we met in A-school training). We were seperated 2 years- I was stationed in San Diego and him in Hawaii. During that time, he had one 9 month deployment. We got married after that deployment and 5 months later, I transferred to Hawaii. I got pregnant right away. He was gone a lot and missed all but 2 months of the pregnancy! On a ship, they come and go all the time. He deployed when audrey was a month and a half old. He's been gone so much I got used to it until we were spoiled with almost a year of shore duty in one place. Now with 2 kids ages 3 and 1, it's much much harder on me. My parents separated a month before he left and that hasn't helped my sanity- I moved home to have a little help and that hasn't happened much. Anyways, thank you all for the advice. You're right- it's never going to get easier. Best thing is probably to just accept it and move forward- I always have and I'm better at it than I give myself credit for. I have an amazing life- I just wish we could all enjoy it together more as a family.

~*Navy Wife*~ Washington 3159 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting Raptor Jesus:" I'm in a similar situation actually. My husband and I spent six months in Quantico, VA while he went ... [snip!] ... sleep alone but I deal with it and count down the days until I see my husband again. Long story short, I know how you feel."


That is definitely a lot of moving! I thought 3 times in 3 years was a lot. Yes, nights are by far the worst. Some days I enjoy the quiet. The first half of deployment, I actually loved my nights alone. I like to do a bunch of different crafty things and after taking care of my little ones myself all day, I appreciate the night time. Then R&R came... It was amazing. I didn't realize how much I missed him until then. And ever since R&R, I've been a wreck. It was a tease. When he was home, the kids were so much more behaved and happy. It was like everything was right again. I loved having someone to watch movies with, or kiss, or just be around. Without that, it's so quiet and depressing- like I said, I didn't even realize it was that bad until after he left again. Ick! I can't wait for this one to be over. He'll be back in a few more months (the worst of them all) and then we don't have to worry (Fingers crossed) about moving or any more deployments for at least 10 months.

Derp Due January 10; 1 child; Camp Lejeune, NC, United States 11606 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting mum2two2&under:" That is definitely a lot of moving! I thought 3 times in 3 years was a lot. Yes, nights are by far the ... [snip!] ... of them all) and then we don't have to worry (Fingers crossed) about moving or any more deployments for at least 10 months. "

I am the same way! I actually liked my nights alone a lot at first too for the exact same reason. I'm constantly doing little hobbies like painting, making jewelry, doing my nails, writing in my journal, etc. and whenever he's home I don't do these things nearly as often in favor of spending time with my husband.



I more or less appreciate my time at night because it's the only chance I have to be by myself but after a while I get really lonely when the bed stays empty for so long =(

EnnaBennaBanana Due February 2; 2 kids; Maryland 6195 posts
30th Nov '12

It can be tough... there is no doubt about that, and it can also be tough on the children aswell. But I don't regret marrying him at all.