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disciplining an 11 month old HELP (long but please read) blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

No Bashing:



My baby will be 11 months old on 12/5. I have been telling her no since about 6 months old when she started crawling and standing. She is normally very good about listening. She will make a sound like she is saying why sometimes or make some talking back noises but leaves whatever alone. If she is tired she has a pitiful cry response. If she is caught doing something and I say no or her name or even walk in the room she jumps, throws it down, flaps her arms and kicks, or crawls or walks away really fast. She will go to something she knows she should no do or have and points, looks at me and if I see her she walks away or even if I don't see her she just gets close and looks then walks away.



I have tested her and she knows ears, hose, eyes and how to give a kiss. She can go get her monkey, cup, baby, ball and toys either on command or by sign language and command. She can go find people on command and dogs.




So, today she went for the remote and I said no. She kept going, grabbed it and as I said no for the third time she smiled at me and ran wit it. My family and friends say to pop her on the hand but I don't want to pop her hand or spank ever if I can help it. Most times I say no and divert her attention. Most times no just works but she tests me now. Today after not listening bc she has refused naps and has been adlepp for 30 MIN since 12pm well I put her in a corner, squatted beside her and held her hands by her side for about 45 seconds. She cried a mad cry/scream.but stood still. She was tired so she laid her head back on me. I started to hold/hug her but I just moved her over to her play mat. She cried a few seconds then got up and played with her toys.



I am non cio and I am an attachment parent. I put her down for naps all day but my baby loves sleep. If she is tired she grabs a blanky and walks to her crib and/or lays down and babbles or drifts right off. If she cries more than 3 minutes I pick her back up and let her play until she is ready. Advice please. Thanks for reading

£exaholic 2 kids; Colorado 20865 posts
30th Nov '12

Saying simply 'no' is not effective because it does not tell them exactly what they are doing, so I've read. Saying 'don't touch that' would be better. Also, she's 11 months old... I wouldn't expect a lot out of her. There's only so much discipline a baby under 1 yr old should be getting.

blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting

£exaholic 2 kids; Colorado 20865 posts
30th Nov '12
Quoting momma melissa85:" <blockquote><b>Quoting
blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting

Baby Love. 3 kids; Washington 3120 posts
30th Nov '12

You don't put an 11 month old baby in a corner.



And you can't just say no, it would be better to explain to her what she is doing wrong. How about take the remote??? Redirect her. Give her something she CAN have. "No, you can't have the remote. Lets play with our blocks instead."



And you don't hit an 11 month old either, by the way.

justanothamotha Due January 20; 130 kids; Climax, Michigan 5120 posts
30th Nov '12

She is too young for discipline under ANY theory. She's a baby. This is all about teaching. You really might want to stop using "no". That isn't a way to teach anything & soon she will be saying it right back to you all.the.time. ALLLLL children who say NO all the time, hear it all the time, that is WHY they say it.



Instead - say things like "hands off" - it is much easier to understand for one & THEN tell he what she can do. So if she goes for the remote - you say hands off - why don't you play with THIS instead. She may in fact go for things you say she "knows" she isn't supposed to have, because it engages you & she thinks it is a game. She is NOT old enough to "know" anything other than how you will respond. She doesn't even know "no" means don't touch - because if you use it a lot, then no can mean, don't climb, don't throw, don't touch, don't whatever. Try to always say what you mean, so for instance "hands off" (say she is hitting the TV screen) then say "you want to hit a drum instead? That would be fun!"



Her curiosity is natural & does not need punishment nor should it receive it. Curiosity is a great thing & not something you want to squash - help her find things she can explore that ARE good.



Holding her as in a corner punishment is not really an AP approach, especially at such a young age. She doesn't know why she is there & all she thinks is you are being mean & you will get more rebellion.



I do no punishment & very little praise in my home. My kids are almost 6 & 2 1/2 yrs old & I watch a few others. I have no more issues with behavior than anyone I know who does punishment & in fact it seems to me I have less. You might really like the book "Parenting Beyond Punishment" by Alfie Kohn. It was really a good one for me.



So what does that even look like & what do you do...? Here are some examples..because it is a way of being more than a disciplinary style.
My 21/2 yr old masters a new skill or does something good (like picking up) - I'd say "You picked up.. Don't you feel proud that you did that all by yourself?" - see it isn't praise. It is acknowledging he did it BUT redirecting the reason for feeling good about doing so that HE feels proud - not to please me. Same with a new skill. "You did it. How do you feel?" ""Does that make you feel like a big kid?"



When it comes to unwanted behavior - say someone hits (which honestly I haven't had from my own kids, but have had in kids from outside) - you go to the child, get down to eye level & take their hand & stroke your face & say "hands are for love" and then go one & say hands are for clapping & holding & tickling..etc. "we never hurt with our hands". It will likely take repetition, but teaching always does. You don't give up & say it won't work when your kids doesn't count to 10 the first 10 times you try to teach it - you keep at it. You also dont' discipline them because they forgot that 4 comes after 3. You remind them, you try again, you repeat. Same here.



The idea in all of it is to raise who do what is right because you have focused on how it FEELS when they do wrong & how it feels when they do good - so they want to feel good - so good choices get you there, whether you get caught or not, whether mom is there to see it or not, etc. It is a process of teaching internal motivation.



And truly - everyone deep down knows that when you yell at a kid & send them to a room or a "naughty chair" and tell them to "think abut what they did' all they really do is set & think about what a jerk you are & how angry they are at you for the punishment you dolled out. Then depending on personality - the child either decides you are unreasonable & don't understand, that he/she will find a way to do it without being caught, or the child gets anxious over trying to avoid punishment versus focusing on doing good for the sake of doing good.

blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Baby Love.:</b>" You don't put an 11 month old baby in a corner. And you can't just say no, it would be better to explain ... [snip!] ... "No, you can't have the remote. Lets play with our blocks instead." And you don't hit an 11 month old either, by the way."</blockquote>



That was so nice of you smh



It is not just the remote. That was an example. It is any and everything in her place. She is not dumb. If she wants her toys she plays with them. If she wants something else she expresses it. I know she cannot comprehend like an older child but she is smart and knows what she should touch and shouldn't. I just need age appropriate methods and I never said I had to hit. If you read my post I said I never wanted to hit for any reason.

£exaholic 2 kids; Colorado 20865 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting momma melissa85:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting

Baby Love. 3 kids; Washington 3120 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting momma melissa85:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Baby Love.:</b>" You don't put an 11 month old baby in a corner. ... [snip!] ... need age appropriate methods and I never said I had to hit. If you read my post I said I never wanted to hit for any reason."</blockquote>



You said other people were telling you to, and I was simply saying no, you don't.
And seriously, I don't care how "smart" she is... Redirection is an amazing thing. If she can't have something, take her to something she CAN have. Set her up for success. You asked for advice.

blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" She is too young for discipline under ANY theory. She's a baby. This is all about teaching. You really ... [snip!] ... caught, or the child gets anxious over trying to avoid punishment versus focusing on doing good for the sake of doing good."</blockquote>




That is exactly the information and explanation I needed. I am a first time mom and I know a lot of shitty moms. I want alternate methods. That makes so much since. Thank you

blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Baby Love.:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting momma melissa85:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Baby ... [snip!] ... amazing thing. If she can't have something, take her to something she CAN have. Set her up for success. You asked for advice."</blockquote>




Yes but you could have worded your advice better. I do redirect but I am going to do it more and stop using no. She needs an explanation and reason and I do it some but am not consistent.



Thank you for the advice. I needed a rebuttal to the hitting advice bc I.keep telling people I am not going to hit. Period. My mom popped her hand at 6 months bc she crawled to a floor lamp and knocked it over. I was pissed bc I told her not to.hit and 6 months is way to young even if a person was going to hit. Also bc it was not my baby's fault my mother was not watching her so I was pissed that she hit her bc my mom was not watching her.

justanothamotha Due January 20; 130 kids; Climax, Michigan 5120 posts
30th Nov '12

YVW. It does take time & you have to be willing to get up and go to the child every time. You won't always be able to tell them when little to stop something & expect they will stop. This is age is PRIME for having very poor impulse control. A child can KNOW they will get a punishment & still not be able to hold the compulsion they have to just do it anyway. If they know you will stop whatever you are doing, get up, come to them & get down to their level & address it, they take you way more seriously than something said over your shoulder, across the room while you are folding clothes. And if you do it consistently enough, eventually you seldom have to do it anymore, because they know you will.



And if she tantrums over things (like not wanting to let you have something) you can often settle her simply by saying what she feels. SO you say "I know you want the remote" and say it like 3-5 times. You watch - you'll see the aha-hah moment when she registers what you are saying & realizes you DO know...and just the fact that you know what she is trying to communicate will often hush a tantrum.



You would likely like this site too then: http://www.ahaparenting.com/
LOTS of great advice & articles.

Baby Love. 3 kids; Washington 3120 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting momma melissa85:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Baby Love.:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting momma melissa85:</b>" ... [snip!] ... bc it was not my baby's fault my mother was not watching her so I was pissed that she hit her bc my mom was not watching her."</blockquote>



At least you're open minded and willing to learn new ways that work for her.



And your family/friends need to just respect that you're the parent. If you need a reason for why you don't wish to choose physical discipline, look up the emotional effects it has and the brain development of babies her age. :-)

blah 17 kids; Alabama 7639 posts
30th Nov '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting justanothamotha:</b>" YVW. It does take time & you have to be willing to get up and go to the child every time. You won't ... [snip!] ... hush a tantrum. You would likely like this site too then: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ LOTS of great advice & articles."</blockquote>




So even at 11 months I acknowledge her feelings? She can be wanting something she can't have and I give her a toy. She will push it away or throw it down and keep grabbing the object. She will kick, arch and flap her arms and hands then cry. She might even scream or sounds like talking back to me with the babbling lol the babbling is different when she is not getting her way.



So I start all these things with feelings now at this age? Get on her level and explain and redirect and offer alternate solutions even now?



If she does something new now we say yay and clap and we give hugs and kisses. What do I say for stuff like that? And do I acknowledge her doing good bc I mean.if she isn't getting into things she shouldn't then she is technically being good but how do.I acknowledge that? Not to mean she is ever bad, I know she is just exploring. I don't think she is ever trying to piss me off or anything but how do I get her to express her emotions I'm a positive way? Do I let her just itch fits now bc she is young.




Example of course she gets anxious and cries when she is hungry and the bottle is not ready. I tell her I know you are hungry and want milk. Momma is making your milk now. I just jeep saying that. Of course she is not going to.just sit down and quietly wait. I honestly did not think she was ad smart as she is but the more I test her intelligence the more things I see that she knows and recognizes. It is exciting. :) this is my opportunity to raise a well adjusted girl who can express her emotions and feel validated and not demeaned. I did not have that growing up and nobody I know thinks there is any other way other than yelling, saying no, time-out, taking away things and hitting. It is sad.