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Lack of help vent. :/ J.E.T.= mommy's world! 1 child; California 230 posts
3rd Dec '12

My DD is 5 months & honestly the focal point in my life. I love her like crazy & I love spending every waking minute w/ her. My SO on the other hand will sometimes get irritated w/ her & doesn't like how I am w/ her. I'll be up until 3, 4, 6 in the morning with my little troll & I'll still be playing w/ her if that's what makes her happy. I'll do w/e I can to keep DD from crying & keep her happy. My SO won't. His mom has him convinced that we should let her cry & that it's good for her lungs to have bouts of crying moments. This is the same woman who thinks I should let my daughter fuss until she cries if she wants to eat because she needs to wait until I'm done doing w/e it is I need to do. Wtf ever! SO helped me w/ DD at night up until I was able to walk her myself after having her. Now, he gets angry & cranky w/ both of us if I ask him to help. If she's crying & I have him get up he gets pissed & will grumble at her to "shut up" or "hush her face" because he wants to go back to bed. He'll bring her out to the living room & if she doesn't go back to sleep w/in 3 mins of him brining her out, he'll dump her in her bouncy seat & let her cry. If she does go to sleep but wakes up when he's putting her down he'll just dump her there & walk away (I mean, I'd rather that than him shake her but still...). He has almost no patience w/ her. Don't get me wrong, he does love her but sometimes I feel like I'm raising her on my own. I take care of her, do the laundry, & clean the house. He did the trash once & when I told him I was proud of that he smiled & said "well I just get tired of hearing you b*tching about how tired you are or everything you have to do." & then the other night because I'm usually so tired or because I don't want to wake the baby, sex has become a once a week type thing, I actually snuggled up to him so we could & we did. The baby woke up & I asked him to get her since he was in a happy place now & he rolled over & kept saying no until he finally said, "ugh it wasn't worth it!" I know so many women have it worse than me & I think I just needed to get this out. Do any of you sometimes feel like you're doing it on your own? How much does your partner help you with DD/DS & actually be happy about?

Mama Van D Due November 3; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Unity, Maine 2454 posts
3rd Dec '12

Sorry, but your SO sounds like a dick.

XxWhite_RosexX 1 child; United Kingdom 1962 posts
3rd Dec '12

wow i couldnt stay with a man that treated my LO like that

J.E.T.= mommy's world! 1 child; California 230 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting XxWhite_RosexX:" wow i couldnt stay with a man that treated my LO like that"


Every fight we've had has been about how he treats her. :/ He really does love her, he's just selfish & has no patience. The worse thing is that she adores him. :( Sometimes he's all she wants & only he can make her happy.

March 2013 3 kids; Illinois 988 posts
3rd Dec '12

Sometimes its good for children to cry at a young age but only if its because its a temper issue. If its because she is hungry or has a gas issue or other reasons like that then no we don't just let our girls cry. However my youngest had callick and she cried for 2hrs straight from 2 to 4 and we just had to be patient with her..that really sucked. He used to get angry with them if they woke up at night and I had to work in the morning or something. He would try the bouncer for about an hour or so it doesn't seem to bother him. I couldn't I would rock them and at least have the lights off. He takes out the trash..sometimes I have to ask sometimes I don't. I get home late for lunch so he usually cooks but if its my day off then I usually do. He picks up the living room. I pick up the rest. He will clean the bathroom :) and sometimes dishes..very rarely. He is also helping more with baths but I think its just cuz im pregnant. He loves to role around and play with them, but he doesn't like it when they make messes..it doesnt bother me like it does him.

*B & D Mommy* Due January 19; 2 kids; Illinois 16010 posts
3rd Dec '12

Sometimes it is harder for men to understand and have patience with children. I don't even wake up SO during the nights..Why? Because I handle it a lot better and it isn't worth the arguments. I haven't tried waking him up ever so I have no clue what he would do lol. But on the other hand. He sounds like an ungrateful a*****e.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
3rd Dec '12

I think it's really hard for men to deal with babies sometimes. This is especially true if they don't have the experience. My husband loves the kids, but he is NOT good at dealing with our youngest when he's crying and upset. I'm a SAHM, so generally I do all of that.



If you decide you really need help, then I'd work on talking to him about helping at a specific time. Meaning, don't just wake him up. He's tired and he'll be grumpy. Ask him to get up with the baby a certain day so he's expecting it.



Also, by 5 months I'd think she was getting on a schedule. It seems liek you're not doing that. That's fine, but you can't really expect to parent 100% different then him and then expect him to be happy that you want him to do everything your way. If you're playing with the baby until 5 or 6am then it's not surprising she isn't sleeping well. . . Maybe that's part of his frustration? He feels like the way you're doing things you're making them harder, then wanting him to sort of step up and take care of the issues he feels like you've created.



I'm not saying that's true, but it can help explain some of his frustration.



I'd sit down with him when you're both well rested and have an honest talk about it. About what YOU feel like you need from him (be specific. Not accuse. Don't say "you don't do this!" say "I need you to do *this*").



Honestly, my husband helps a lot, but for the entire first year he didn't get up with the kids. If you're having a really rough time part of that will be askuing for help. The other will be also evaluation what YOU'RE doing. Are you napping whent he baby naps? Are yuo setting her up with good sleep habits? Are you making your job harder?

*B & D Mommy* Due January 19; 2 kids; Illinois 16010 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting she nan igans:" I think it's really hard for men to deal with babies sometimes. This is especially true if they don't ... [snip!] ... doing. Are you napping whent he baby naps? Are yuo setting her up with good sleep habits? Are you making your job harder? "


I agree with all of this!!!!

J.E.T.= mommy's world! 1 child; California 230 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting she nan igans:" I think it's really hard for men to deal with babies sometimes. This is especially true if they don't ... [snip!] ... doing. Are you napping whent he baby naps? Are yuo setting her up with good sleep habits? Are you making your job harder? "

I know she's supposed to have a schedule down now but she doesn't. I've done everything the books say to do to help get into a routine but nothing has worked. I'm up playing w/ her because she'll be wide awake & can't fall asleep so it's either play w/ her or let her cry. My baby is complicated. Sometimes she honestly wants to laugh her self to sleep. My mom will walk her & make her giggle to the point my LO just gets cozy enough & passes out. Her dad has ADHD & I don't think she has it but my LO just seems to have a hard time going to sleep & staying asleep. That's her biggest issue. She can't stay asleep. She'll be absolutely exhausted but sleep just won't stick for her. He & I have had discussion after discussion but he really just doesn't seem to stay constant w/ his actions. He'll be fine for maybe a week & then that's it. I've given him morning detail so I can sleep then & even that is too much for him sometimes. He still gets frustrated w/ her & is still almost no help to me.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting J.E.T.= mommy's world!:" I know she's supposed to have a schedule down now but she doesn't. I've done everything the books say ... [snip!] ... sleep then & even that is too much for him sometimes. He still gets frustrated w/ her & is still almost no help to me."


I'm going to sound mean for a minute here.



Your baby isn't just complicated. ALL babies are complicated. ALL babies are difficult. What you're doing isn't working, is it? So you have to try something else. If you play with her, she will get more wound up and not sleep. It helps to keep lights low, no TV, us a fan or white noise machine. When they wake up at night feed them, don't look them in the eye or talk to them (you can maybe sing if it doesn't rile them up). Doing those things gets kids excited. You want to make waking up in the middle of the night not fun. It's about changing, feeding, and going back to sleep. She is not too young to start to implement good schedules. Bath, bottle, story, then bedtime. That sort of thing. Background noise really does help them stay asleep (we always use a fan in the kids rooms).



Also, you said within a week. How often are you having him get up with her? If he working and you're at home? My husband generally takes one morning every other weekend. I get to sleep in about 2 hours or so. He works full time so this is plenty for me to get a little break, but for him to be able to get a break too. Ask yourself if what you're asking of him is really truely fair. I'm not saying it isn't, I don't know. But you need to ask yourself that.

katxo 18 kids; Florida 7270 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting she nan igans:" I'm going to sound mean for a minute here. Your baby isn't just complicated. ALL babies are complicated. ... [snip!] ... if what you're asking of him is really truely fair. I'm not saying it isn't, I don't know. But you need to ask yourself that."

Perfectly well said and I'm working on my second. I think I just put all this information in my brain for my future child. I wish I was around more on BG and got this response with my ex. This is awesome advice, and also what you said previously. :)

*B & D Mommy* Due January 19; 2 kids; Illinois 16010 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting she nan igans:" I'm going to sound mean for a minute here. Your baby isn't just complicated. ALL babies are complicated. ... [snip!] ... if what you're asking of him is really truely fair. I'm not saying it isn't, I don't know. But you need to ask yourself that."


This is all great advice! And I agree..Interacting with your child during the early morning hours will only keep her awake! My son (almost 6 months old) tried doing that once and I just smiled at him and we layed down and he fell asleep. You just have to keep trying or it will never work! Of course she cries when you don't play or sing, but you need to get her on a schedule! Sooner than later she will get use to it and start sleeping

J.E.T.= mommy's world! 1 child; California 230 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting she nan igans:" I'm going to sound mean for a minute here. Your baby isn't just complicated. ALL babies are complicated. ... [snip!] ... if what you're asking of him is really truely fair. I'm not saying it isn't, I don't know. But you need to ask yourself that."

When I said "my" baby I didn't mean for it to be as if my baby was the only one in the world. I simply said, "my" baby. Like I said, I've done everything I'm supposed to do to help her get a routine & sleep. She just has a hard time STAYING asleep. As far as asking SO to help, I only ask him when I'm unable to put her to sleep. Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes she only wants him. He's a firefighter so he only works twice a week. I stopped asking him to help with her at night a long time ago. Our discussions started becoming more frequent when he wanted me to stop being tired all the time & wanted us to leave the baby & go do stuff. With these discussions he offered to be more help at night. He would & then stop. When I said he helped for about a week that was him helping w/o complaint ONCE maybe twice a week. I never ask for help w/ her the nights he has to be up that morning for work. Asking him to help w/ her in my opinion isn't too much seeing as he does absolutely nothing else except work two days & play video games.

J.E.T.= mommy's world! 1 child; California 230 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting *B & D Mommy*:" This is all great advice! And I agree..Interacting with your child during the early morning hours will ... [snip!] ... when you don't play or sing, but you need to get her on a schedule! Sooner than later she will get use to it and start sleeping"

Oh, she doesn't cry when I don't play w/ her. I'll sit her down & she'll play w/ her toys & look up at me, smile, & continue what she's doing all the while yawning & rubbing her eyes. I only play w/ her when she is obviously wide awake & it's not really playing. It's more me talking to her & her laughing. Sometimes that's how she wants to go to sleep: being walked & having us make her laugh. & again, the biggest problem is getting her to stay asleep. Not so much getting her to go to sleep.

_______Nope_________ 23772 posts
3rd Dec '12
Quoting J.E.T.= mommy's world!:" When I said "my" baby I didn't mean for it to be as if my baby was the only one in the world. I simply ... [snip!] ... help w/ her in my opinion isn't too much seeing as he does absolutely nothing else except work two days & play video games."


Okay. Good luck. Hope you get used to being miserable.



Sorry, but I've tried to give you some advice and ALL you want to do is defend every choice you've made. YOU can't change HIM. YOU can't control HIS actions. All you can do is control YOUR actions and what YOU are doing isn't working, clearly. So I've given things you can try. You can take that personal and defend yourself, even though I'm not attacking you, but then you're going to stay in the exact same place which is tired and frustrated.



Or, you can stop trying to prove you're doing everything right and try something different. I mean, what you're doing isn't working for you, so why are you holding onto it so hard?



I've given you some ideas on different things to try. Good luck. I hope something works out for you.