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Supafly★ 2 kids; Poland 14109 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting snglemama:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Supafly★:</b>" Of course Christmas is all about gifts ... [snip!] ... her to volunteer is a great idea. Our job as parents is to raise our kids too be good people.. Not to make excuses for them!"


Um, don't make assumptions about how I'm raising my kids when I didn't say a word about myself and my parenting, thanks. :)



OP, you can try talking to her and taking her to shelters and such, it can't hurt, but she really has to just grow up and learn on her own. As long as YOU don't accept and give in that attitude, she'll learn sooner than later. You really can't tell her uncle what to do.

snglemama 4 kids; Georgia 11978 posts
10th Dec '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Glo♥:</b>" Talk to the uncle but if he still decides to get her everything there's nothing you can do she'll learn ... [snip!] ... if she were your actual kid I would say grab half of those toys take her with you and donate them to a shelter or something."</blockquote>



What do you mean there's nothing she can do? they are the legal guardians... Of course there are things they can do.




I have my kids go through their stuff every year before Christmas and choose stuff to give to kids who don't have toys. They learn to give, other kids receive, and it makes space for new stuff.

snglemama 4 kids; Georgia 11978 posts
10th Dec '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Supafly★:</b>" Um, don't make assumptions about how I'm raising my kids when I didn't say a word about myself and my ... [snip!] ... as YOU don't accept and give in that attitude, she'll learn sooner than later. You really can't tell her uncle what to do. "</blockquote>




really? You're responses speak to the type of parent you are. Kids don't just learn fire themselves. It's our job as parents to raise them. And, she absolutely can tell uncle what to do. She can flat out tell him she won't allow so much new stuff in her house.

Boobs Magee 18 kids; Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta 1449 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting snglemama:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Supafly★:</b>" Um, don't make assumptions about how I'm ... [snip!] ... them. And, she absolutely can tell uncle what to do. She can flat out tell him she won't allow so much new stuff in her house."

THIS! Kids that are left to "figure it out on thier own" don't always do that without some horrible experience or another when they reach adulthood. It is our job to teach them!

Shanrock TTC since Mar 2014; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Derry, NH, United States 1314 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting Just Ames:" :!: Not to mention, I imagine she hasn't had the easiest of life beings her Brother has custody and all. ... [snip!] ... nice for someone else (because everyone should do that during this time of year) but to expect it is a little extreme, IMO."


Right. She's never met her father, hence how we got custody of her. However, she has it pretty good right now, and expecting all of that stuff is just too much. I grew up kind of poor and most of the stuff I got was the simple things like socks, underwear, pajamas. I mean I didn't grow up on the street or having to eat from a food pantry, but my parents didn't have much and neither did myself or my siblings. My SO luckily works construction and makes good money. We got her a brand new beautiful bed when we took over custody, we let her pick out the color to paint her room, got her all Justin Beiber bedding (it's what she wanted), and she decorated exactly how she wanted to. She shares a play room with Natalia, my daughter, but Natalia is only 7 months so she's usually in there with us anyway, not like she's bothering her.



I think what I'm going to do is have her volunteer Xmas day with me at one of the soup kitchens in Boston, let her see the poor kids that go there and hopefully she'll give some of the stuff he gets her away.



Oh and as for asking her uncle if he'd cut back, that won't happen. He gives her everything she wants because he WANTS to do it. We asked last year and he said no. She's the closest thing he has to having a child (he never commits long enough to actually marry a woman and have his own kids) and with that said, he refuses to give in... HE'S THE PROBLEM!!!

Supafly★ 2 kids; Poland 14109 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting snglemama:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Supafly★:</b>" Um, don't make assumptions about how I'm ... [snip!] ... them. And, she absolutely can tell uncle what to do. She can flat out tell him she won't allow so much new stuff in her house."


Like I said, OP can take her to as many homeless shelters and force her to give up as many toys as she wants but if the kid doesn't WANT to learn, she won't right now. She will eventually. Expecting a 10 year old that's been through a hard time to be selfless and giving is ridiculous. Putting a limit on how much a relative can buy her is rude.

Boobs Magee 18 kids; Fort Saskatchewan, Alberta 1449 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting Shanrock:" Right. She's never met her father, hence how we got custody of her. However, she has it pretty good ... [snip!] ... long enough to actually marry a woman and have his own kids) and with that said, he refuses to give in... HE'S THE PROBLEM!!!"


If she still visits her mom than maybe 1/2 of those Christmas presents can just stay at her house???

Shanrock TTC since Mar 2014; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Derry, NH, United States 1314 posts
10th Dec '12

I didn't mean to start a battle guys, so please don't turn this into one. I was looking for ideas on how to guide her in the right direction. She drives me nuts because on one hand she is a HUGE help to me with my daughter. She'll feed her so I can cook dinner, or she'll play with her so I can clean up a bit, but that attitude towards EXPECTING things just really bugs me. I should also add to those of you who are acting like I can't say anything because my SO and I aren't married yet, I'm considered family and have been for awhile. They respect me and I respect them.

Shanrock TTC since Mar 2014; 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Derry, NH, United States 1314 posts
10th Dec '12

She's only allowed supervised visits with her Mom at this point. She also doesn't see her often because her Mom honestly doesn't want to see her. The situation is sad, but she's been half raised by her Mom and half by her brother, my SO. He's tried to explain the same thing to her that I have but she just doesn't get it.

Supafly★ 2 kids; Poland 14109 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting Just Ames:" I agree. I don't think what you initially said implied that she should just let her be. I think positive ... [snip!] ... someone to understand where she has come from and in turn work GRADUALLY on steering her into the right direction in life."


Exactly. I think OP has the right idea but she shouldn't tell the girl's uncle what to do or expect her to change right away. The girl "doesn't get it" because she's 10 years old and doesn't grasp the real world yet. As long as OP continues to teach her how it is at their own house[and in the real world], the girl's attitude will change over time.

Donna Jo Tanner 1 child; Beach Haven, New Jersey 6440 posts
10th Dec '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Shanrock:</b>" Right. She's never met her father, hence how we got custody of her. However, she has it pretty good ... [snip!] ... long enough to actually marry a woman and have his own kids) and with that said, he refuses to give in... HE'S THE PROBLEM!!!"</blockquote>




I'd make her get rid of stuff she has now. I'd tell he rid you want to keep the things your uncle gets you then get rid of some things. Also you don't have to allow the present he gets in your home, you are the legal gardiens. I'd flag out tell him "we'll I guess you'll be wasting your money because WE are raising her and she does t need that much stuff, I will be getting rid of anything I deem too much." But I'm stubborn and would be partly doing it out of spit because NO ONE would be disrespecting my wishes for a child I was raising!

Destinite 1 child; 2 angel babies; Paradise, FL, United States 31529 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting Shanrock:" So here's the situation. My SO's little sister is in our custody. His mother just isn't right in the ... [snip!] ... not all old bums who are alcoholics... their also kids. Anybody have any advice on this one because I'm at a loss I think. "


Sign up for some volunteer work and participate with her.



ℕightingale 1 child; Mississippi 7398 posts
10th Dec '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting snglemama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Glo♥:</b>" Talk to the uncle but if he still decides to ... [snip!] ... choose stuff to give to kids who don't have toys. They learn to give, other kids receive, and it makes space for new stuff."</blockquote>




Yeah but if the uncle does not agree still gets her everything that kid wants and she takes it away that would be a mess with the family. So she can be the bad guy there's so much she can do but is she willing to do it even if it turns the family against her? Not a lot of people are willing to do that...

Clk 2 kids; Dexter, Michigan 11945 posts
10th Dec '12

First off people need to quit blaming the child. It is not her fault she has irresponsible parents nor her fault her Uncle spoils her. This is simply how she was raised, and can't be undone magically in one night.



You can't really control her Uncle, but can use him for teachable moments. I would start by trying to teach her to appreciate things, to be grateful. Maybe she can write a thank you letter to her Uncle for all the presents over the years. Maybe get her involved in helping you get presents for others and writing them thank you notes. Be a good example of being grateful, kids a lot of times pick up what we do not say.



Taking away all of her presents, getting mad at her about the presents or getting upset at Uncle so he won't give presents is just punishing the child for something she did not do.

Destinite 1 child; 2 angel babies; Paradise, FL, United States 31529 posts
10th Dec '12
Quoting Clk:" First off people need to quit blaming the child. It is not her fault she has irresponsible parents nor ... [snip!] ... the presents or getting upset at Uncle so he won't give presents is just punishing the child for something she did not do."


I agree with this!