Reply
Advice for undecided baby daddy?! Jess Martin Due April 8; Tacoma, Washington 5 posts
11th Dec '12

My fiance and i did not plan on having a child, she was a surprise to both of us and even though im having a difficult time accepting it because she is my first, im 20, she wasnt planned and just a whole bunch of other things im also excited but he has been worse. I ended up leaving him for a while because he kept asking me for an abortion, he ignored me and just made me feel like crap. We are back together after counseling, and taking things through. Keep in mind he is also 20, in the army at the time was going to deploy but thankfully he didn't. He has slowly made some adjustments and makes me feel loved and he wants me here with him but i'm just wondering if he will come around, will he love his baby girl when shes born? he doesnt like to talk about baby stuff, when he sees babies or little kids in stores he makes this really weird and funny face, his whole family is excited for her! I'm just wondering if i should prepare to do this alone. he has never denied that she is his, he said he will support us no matter what happens (meaning if we split again by some chance). Since I've been back he has been 100% better to me but i just wonder where he stands with her. he bought her a teddy bear when he thought he was deploying, he makes jokes, sometimes points stuff out so idk if he just a guy being a guy? Do you think he will come around?

vagina. 3 kids; Titz, No, Germany 30918 posts
11th Dec '12

Id give him the benefit of the doubt.. atleast he is trying now.

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11952 posts
11th Dec '12

They say a dad is a dad after he holds his baby for the first time. I think this is true for the most part. But every guy is different. Dh always showed minimal interest in my pregnancies but is a great dad. He even rocks and sings to the baby every night

Mother of One plus One 2 kids; Ware Shoals, South Carolina 4418 posts
11th Dec '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Jess Martin:</b>" My fiance and i did not plan on having a child, she was a surprise to both of us and even though im having ... [snip!] ... deploying, he makes jokes, sometimes points stuff out so idk if he just a guy being a guy? Do you think he will come around?"</blockquote>




I would just give him some time to adjust. Guys don't have an instant bond with their kids like mothers do,and sometimes even for a mother it isn't instant. Also,a lot of people done like kids,doesn't mean he won't love his own. It will probably take him holding his little baby to realize how much of a gift she is and how much he will love her. Men aren't as sappy as we are.

Naocorn Due August 17; 2 kids; Tennessee 5461 posts
11th Dec '12

<blockquote><b>Quoting Jess Martin:</b>" My fiance and i did not plan on having a child, she was a surprise to both of us and even though im having ... [snip!] ... deploying, he makes jokes, sometimes points stuff out so idk if he just a guy being a guy? Do you think he will come around?"</blockquote>




Give him time. It is harder for men sometimes to process. And not quite real to him yet. It can take a while. Just include him, but don't push him, we tend to get over excited and rub it in their faces. He will probably feel better after the ultrasounds. If not, I bet his heart will melt the first time he holds her. Most guys need to see belly and ultrasounds before they realize.



Let him make peace with it. Try not to feel bad or make him feel bad.

Jess Martin Due April 8; Tacoma, Washington 5 posts
11th Dec '12

Thank you! this helps a lot! And since ive been back i havent felt bad or made him feel bad, i just let him say stuff when he wants, i dnt force it or anything because i do want him to come around on his own time. also he did say that he wants to be in the room but he wont guarantee that he wont pass out when she is born so i take that as a good sign!

lamr - 02-08-13-21 2 kids; Crazytown, ON, Canada 5921 posts
11th Dec '12

My husband was happy i was pregnant, but couldnt have cared less about the planning or anything. He didnt talk about it very much unless i asked a specific question. We now have 2 young boys and he's a great dad.



He'll fall in love with her the moment he sees her :)

Jeniffer =)*mommie* 2 kids; Washington 20 posts
11th Dec '12

i was in the the same shoes you are in now, i was pregnant with my daughter at 19 hubby was in the army and he was 19 also, we planned her but then things started to get hectic because he was always working and still needed to grow up, to add on to everything we found out she had down syndrome. he hated getting into the baby details etc but when i went into labor he fell in love with her the moment he saw her and now she is 3 and they are connected at the hip.
Sorry about my long story but i think he will come around in time for i was once in the same situation. Congrats on the baby girl:)

Jess Martin Due April 8; Tacoma, Washington 5 posts
11th Dec '12

You're answer helps a lot no matter how long! Glad to know im not alone in this! His family says he will come around, i guess his dad had the same reaction with him and almost made his mom abort him but now my fiance is the favorite by far! He is his dads everything! I hope he is the same way!

whack a mole crazy Due January 23; Nebraska 2651 posts
11th Dec '12

I'm 20 and my baby's father is 18. i actually found out i was pregnant a couple days before him 18th. Anyway, he wanted me to have an abortion because he was scared, i told him no. Some time passed, yadda yadda.. i am now almost 34 weeks and he is super excited. He actually got pissed off last night because i kept saying gifts for my baby shower.. he said "no, its OUR gifts for OUR son" Lol, sooo.. in my case he came around. He always asks me how many weeks i have left and all of that. Hopefully things work out for you.

Julie Moya (Miller) Due February 18; Tennessee 1 posts
11th Dec '12

I think the other ladies are correct. It does sound like he's coming along. I think it's not a good thing that he thinks abortion is a legit option, though. I think this means that he 1) needs to do some research, or 2) may have some character issues to watch out for. I would assume the first one first, though. There is a lot of controversy over this. I recommend Morgan Spurlock's "30 Days" episode on pro-choice/pro-life (this is the guy who did the "Super Size Me" documentary. It doesn't get any LESS biased. He simply dumps a very vocal, articulate, intelligent, kind pro-choice-er into an environment with equally good people who are pro-life and on-the-fence. I'm pretty sure Morgan Spurlock is pro-choice, but as a pro-lifer, I wasn't offended at all, and I think he really did a fantastic job presenting the issues. No one looks like the lone "angel." The point is that the main character DOES have permanent emotional baggage due to her abortion (no one mentions this; it's simply observable). She believes that abortion is a legit choice, but you can tell that even the existence of a question on the subject bothers her since the issue is so grand (was this a life or not)? I mean, this woman is absolutely convinced that abortion is okay, but she breaks into a cold sweat when someone simply asks her, hypothetically, if she would think abortion was wrong if a fetus was a life. She should be able to say "yes" without skipping a beat, right? It is merely a hypothetical question. She should be able to say "yes" confidently, but then add "I don't think it's a life at that point." However, she isn't able to handle the idea, even hypothetically. That means the mere question of life before birth is a problem, whether or not the reality exists. Also, when looking at the "science" of abortion (good luck finding an unbiased source on this!), ask yourself: "When does a child go from incredible odds of survival to simply needing food/water/shelter like a toddler?" Personally, this is the point where I am most comfortable drawing the line. If you don't draw it there, then what stops folks from killing toddlers (besides laws, of course)?