Bit of background:
This year has been a tough year for me; in April I found out I was pregnant and we currently have such horrendous problems (legal/financial/home security- none of our fault!) that we cannot bring another baby into the world at the moment, so I had an abortion. But it messed up my head a lot, I was suicidal afterwards and began hallucinating and hearing voices; I was put under Mental Health care and prescribed strong antiphsychotics and sedatives. I did recover from the "acute stress" and was discharged from Mental Health care thankfully. But unbelieveably, just 4 months later, I had become pregnant again, just a few weeks before I was due to have a coil fitted! We had been using condoms but putting them on halfway through- I was still a bit messed up from the abortion that part of me subconsciously wanted to turn the clock back and get pregnant again, which is why I wasn't careful. DH says he beleived that would still be safe. When I told him I thought after last time there would be NO WAY he would put me through that again- we would just have to make it work somehow. So, I was heartbroken and felt betrayed when he insisted I got another abortion. We broke up over it, he said he couldn't stay with me if I kept the baby; and I considered bringing up the new baby and our other kids on my own... but after a lot of soul-searching I decided it would be best for my kids if I bit the bullet and got the abortion and put on a brave face for them. I did beg him a few times but he convinced me it was for the best. And I did believe it. I just found it so hard. I'm very pro-choice but when it comes down to myself personally, I am hard on myself! I was hoping until the last minute that he would "save" me and tell me I didn't have to go through with it. I went through with it and have not found it as difficult as I did last time, although I feel depressed about it and part of me feels a lot of resentment and bitterness TBH.
DH and I will have been together for almost 13 years and I have never met his dad. He hasn't spoken to him for about 20 years. He has been in prison, he used to run brothels, and has an obsession with WW2 paraphernalia, particularly the German stuff (I don't think he's a Nazi but still!) His trade is selling guns but he's a conman. If you Google his name you get results of reviews from his angry customers whom he has ripped off. DH's mum committed suicide by jumping infront of a train when DH was 3, I believe part of her problem was his dad. His 2nd wife used to beat DH and his brother black and blue, so they would shit blood; made them eat their own vomit; dip in to their inheritance their mum left them to buy a new TV (citing educational purposes) but not let them watch it. His 3rd wife (my MIL, DH's stepmom who is the kids' paternal granny) is broken from being with him and the stories she's told are shocking he sounds like a sociopath... his 4th wife, my step-SIL's mum has attempted suicide on account of him and he's beaten her up. Our kids don't know he exists.
I've asked DH how he would feel if he found out his dad was dead, he said he wouldn't be upset and doesn't know if he'd go to the funeral. He said the only reason he's considered getting into contact has been to obtain money.
So anyway, last week i had a dream about him....
We had gone to visit, presumably for this purpose. DH, his dad and I were sat in the sitting room with the tv on, his dad was telling DH about which of his five girlfriends was the best in bed. He asked him what I was like, and DH didn't flinch he casually told him I was great- his dad joked that maybe he'd like to try me out sometime! They were laughing, I was furious- so I said "right, come on then, you can try now!" and took his dad's hand leading him out the room. I looked back at DH and he wasn't reacting... I was heartbroken... I was going to go through with it anyway... we went upstairs. on the bedside table was a tea-tray full of drugs... a bit of what looked like weed and pipes, and a bag of brown powder, and a small mirror with white powder on... I dipped my right index finger into the white powder, pressed my left nostril closed and raised my powder-laden finger to my right nostril... his dad yelled "No! Don't! That's not coke!" I brushed it off my finger and asked what it was, he said it was "VERY STRONG" MDMA powder. there was no powder on my finger but I l****d the residue, and it tasted exquisitely bitter. I said you're not kidding! (MDMA is very very bitter)
We got on the bed and I took my clothes off hut he didn't. We kissed and it was awful, he had poor oral hygiene and his tongue was furry and slimy. Yuck! He told me that he had 84 children by different women... I feared his fertility and although I'm on a high-strength BCP now I said "I've just had 2 abortions PLEASE don't knock me up." So he went to get a condom.
While I waited one of his girlfriends came in with her friend. She was beautiful, and was sweet-but-menacing like Bond girl baddies! I thought she was going to beat the sh*t out of me, but then the MDMA kicked in- it was that strong that the invisible residue had been enough to affect me and it was having an intense effect. She started stroking my face, (like they do in films before they stab you in the belly!)- but coz I was off my t*ts I was tilting my head towards her and rolling my eyes back and sighing gently. Her friend was saying to her "that b***h f**king loves you, she wants you to f**k her"
Then I was supposed to have slept with DH's dad's girlfriend but didnt remember it and DH's dad was coming back with the condom but I woke up!
What does this mean... is anything to do with the abortions do you think- I thought the going through with sex gazing at DH at the last minute hoping he would stop me may signify that... can't make sense of the rest of it though are there any clues in it about how to get over it? kind of annoying that it stopped coz perhaps what I did afterwards might have given me guidance about how to deal...
PS i have NEVER cheated on DH (and have not taken MDMA since before we had children)!
Before, I can honestly say that I NEVER contemplated cheating, it literally NEVER crossed my mind... sure I'd see a hot guy and think yeah he's fit but it was as though he was my brother or something, and I was acknowledging that "yeah, he's fit, but it would NEVER cross my mind to wanna try to get with him".
Since this dream though I have been thinking about it constantly. For the first time in 12 years.
It's not even sexual, it's not like my needs are not satisfied- DH is MINT in bed, very attentive, very considerate, always makes sure i get mine first- and more than once nearly every time! and we do it at least twice a week... I don't have any fantasies he wouldnt indulge me or anything. There's NOTHING i feel i need or want that I don;t get from him, and I'm not bored of him
There's no-one in particular I want to cheat with either....
It makes no sense really other than maybe I feel like I'm angry and want to lash out, want him to hurt on my behest like I am hurting on his. But that wouldnt be fair! I agreed that the decision we made, that I made, was for the best I know I shouldnt be feeling this vengeful spite, I shouldn't feel resentful or bitter :(
But I do, and I just want to go and f*ck someone else :(
But I don;t though! I love him and I want to fix this problem :(
Where do I start??
Anyone else ever thought about cheating? But loved their partner so much and wanted to fight these urges? How did you tackle it?
Would you tell him?! Would you admit it? do you think he would understand about me not wanting to act on it?
I don't want to act on it but am thinking about how I could make an excuse to get out of an evening to go meet someone from a dating site or something :(
I skipped a few parts of the dream lol but got the gist. It sounds to me like you're upset about him making you get the second abortion, and like something is lacking emotionally not physically. Wanting to cheat doesn't necessarily mean you're not satisfied in bed, it just means you're not satisfied in some way.
Holy shot that was intense.
I think you have every right to feel bitter towards your husband because you felt pressured into the abortion. After everything you went through the first time.
If you even have a chance of getting past this you need to be honest and tell him how broken you are from this and how you do feel resentment towards him over it. Look into counselling individually and as a couple.
Inwould tell him that you're having a very hard time dealing with the things that have happened in your life recently and it's making you feel resentment toward him. Ask him how he feels about coulpes counciling.
thankyou i think we are going to attend couples' counselling. i looked into it just before halloween when i was pregnant and we were breaking up but since we smoothed things out and i agreed to the abortion we took a rain check on it... someone called me from a marriage counselling group like a few days after my abortion or something and i told them i had been in hospital and wasnt well right now- they said they would get back to me in new year.. DH was still up for going and hopefully he still will be.
should i tell him first about the thoughts of cheating or spill the beans infront of the counsellor?!?!
Quoting pixie b:" thankyou i think we are going to attend couples' counselling. i looked into it just before halloween ... [snip!] ... he still will be. should i tell him first about the thoughts of cheating or spill the beans infront of the counsellor?!?!"
You do not EVER need to bring up thoughts of cheating. They're completely harmless and only signs of deeper problems. He doesn't need to know anything unless you actually cheat.
All that would do was make things worse between you two, piss him off etc.
All he needs to know is that you feel resentment and detachment from him since everything that happened, that you're unhappy, and go from there.
Quoting Will☮Creedence:" You do not EVER need to bring up thoughts of cheating. They're completely harmless and only signs of ... [snip!] ... is that you feel resentment and detachment from him since everything that happened, that you're unhappy, and go from there."
thanks for the heads up! i tell them in counselling rhough? xx
Quoting pixie b:" thanks for the heads up! i tell them in counselling rhough? xx"
No I wouldn't tell anyone in front of him. If you go to counseling by yourself feel free to tell them, and I'm sure they'll tell you that you're just unhappy with your entire relationship right now.
I wouldn't ever let him find out though.
<blockquote><b>Quoting Will☮Creedence:</b>" No I wouldn't tell anyone in front of him. If you go to counseling by yourself feel free to tell them, ... [snip!] ... they'll tell you that you're just unhappy with your entire relationship right now. I wouldn't ever let him find out though."</blockquote>
I agree. He never needs to know unless something actually happens.
<blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Will☮Creedence:</b>" No I wouldn't tell anyone in front ... [snip!] ... wouldn't ever let him find out though."</blockquote> I agree. He never needs to know unless something actually happens."</blockquote>
wow, thanks! i thought you had to be 100% open in marriage and was feeling like i was cheating already for just THINKING something and keeping my thoughts from him! thanks for helping me not get into a mess over nothing! X <3
<blockquote><b>Quoting pixie b:</b>" wow, thanks! i thought you had to be 100% open in marriage and was feeling like i was cheating already ... [snip!] ... for just THINKING something and keeping my thoughts from him! thanks for helping me not get into a mess over nothing! X <3"</blockquote>
You SHOULD 100% open in a marriage. But the thoughts about cheating are not the problem here its just a symptom of the probelm and it would just distract from the repair that needs to be done. You didn't cheat, you obviously knew the thoughts were a problem and are trying to address the causes instead of acting on them, which is exactly the right thing to do. There is no reason to make yourself feel worse by telling him about harmless thoughts. Especially since really, if you think about it the thoughts about infedelity are what you triggered you to find help. If you HAD cheated i would say he needs to know, but youre handling your thoughts appropriately and trying to repair the hurt in your relationship, so there is no need to cause more hurt.
In counciling you can let your husband know that you feel abandoned and unprotected by him like he let you doen when you needed him, and you have been having thoughts about making him feel the same way, you don't have to be specific about the details. But in private counciling for just you, without him there, I would let your counciling know about the specific thoughts just so you can work on that on your own. Good luck.
Quoting MommaSav2:" <blockquote><b>Quoting pixie b:</b>" wow, thanks! i thought you had to be 100% open ... [snip!] ... him there, I would let your counciling know about the specific thoughts just so you can work on that on your own. Good luck."
Eek well i told him! He knew something was up!
Kinda glad I did, feel relieved now to have it out in the open; and he's glad I told him too, and he didnt' get the wrong idea.
I have an appointment this week at the mental health unit, because we had quite a dark conversation about how I have a passenger within me, it's like another person shares my body, but that passenger is vengeful, spiteful, very bitter and full of resentment; she is the one who tried to kill herself, she is the one who broke the door in a rage, she is the one who almost strangled him and she is the one who would try to get herself pregnant if he didnt watch me swallow my BCP every day.... she would also go f**k someone else if she "gets out" like she occasionally has done...
I am getting help. Wish me luck!