I love my little girl Leilani who was born dec.19th she is my everything, my miracle and my rainbow baby and I wouldn't trade her for the world. The problem is that I miscarried a baby who was due Dec 20th 2010. It was an early miscarriage I never knew the gender but always felt the baby I lost was a girl as well.
Leilani's father claims she doesn't look like him and hasn't been involved in her life. Yet I still talk to my ex boyfriend A who is the father of the baby I lost 2 and a half years ago. I still love the father of the baby I lost very much and we are still grieving our loss together. I tell him all the time how Leilani can never replace our baby and how i still miss the baby we lost everyday. I constantly find myself wishing Leilani was A's baby and we could be a happy family but she is not and A has a hard time talking about Leilani or seems to get upset when I mention my new baby girl. He is really hurt that I went on to have a baby with someone else even though we had been broken up for over a year when I got pregnant again. It's hard bc I want A in my life and I want him to love my daughter but all A can do is mourn the loss of our baby.
I miss the baby that we lost and having Leilani has only made it harder. I love Leilani so much and can't imagine life without her but I can't help feeling I should have 2 girls instead of one. I cried the other day because my grandma came to visit Leilani and saw the memorial plaque in honor of the baby I lost ( I had never told her about my miscarriage) she came out to the living room and asked me about the plaque and I just broke down and told her about how A and I had planned a child and miscarried and how it was really hard on us and how we just never managed to conceive a child together again no matter how hard we tried. How I became depressed over our loss and it caused our break up and how the baby we lost's due date was just one day after Leilani's. My grandma then told me her parents had a baby who died at 3 months old of a heart problem that was born before her and they use to talk about her a lot and now she understands why I am so overprotective of Leilani. (I wouldn't let my grandma hold Leilani bc she hasn't gotten her flu shot)
On top of that having Leilani has made me realize I have another baby who I never got the joy of holding. I wonder what she would have looked like what her personality would be like. Most of all I wish I got to see A's face when our baby was born that look of sheer love I have for my daughter, I wish I would've got to see A and the baby we lost together. I just want both my kids. More than anything I wish to get back together with A and have another baby with him someday. I've told him this and he seems to clam up when I mention it. He wants to be a dad but I think he is scared that we could miscarry again and I treated him horribly after our first miscarriage. I somehow blamed him because I needed someone to blame. I pushed him away and said horrible things to him. I treated him so bad he tried to commit suicide bc of the way I made him feel. I just want a second chance with A but I can understand why he is afraid to give me another chance. It's just hard. I love my daughter but my life is not complete without A in it and I have such a big hole in my heart from the baby we lost.