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Cast Your Vote:

    • they do the same amount of damage. -- Votes: 19
    • verbally fighting is worse -- Votes: 1
    • physically fighting is worse. -- Votes: 29
    • old. -- Votes: 0
♥ Jessi ♥ 2 kids; Alaska 23137 posts
15th Jan '13
Quoting The Doctor:" IMO, and I'm sorry if you think this is out of line, but based on your previous post I think you're trying ... [snip!] ... Respect is not the lack of physical violence, and I just wanted to say that to you, hun. (And I can delete this if you like.)"


well I can't disagree... but I also feel like it's a two way street... I push his buttons a lot even when I know I need to back off.... he likes to shutdown and have space, and if there is a problem I want to deal with it now.... I've learned over the years when to shut my mouth.... but I'm also very stubborn at times and don't care what I say in the moment....



it's not that I can't speak my mind, but sometimes he needs me to back off...
I also struggle with anxiety and depression and can be very hard to live with.... I'm not making excuses either, if u ladies saw me at my worst you'd wonder how he's put up with it so long.....
We are trying hard to get back to a good place in our marriage, I just wonder how it's affecting our children in the process and is it worth it?
this last year has by far been the worst in our 10 years, we were doing really well for about 6 months after our little break, but these past couple weeks he's been moody, I honestly think it's because of money.... I just don't want to argue all the time, my kids seem fine and our son never says anything that makes me think he's not... he's a very straightforward little man..... our daughter is 3 and she can't really explain what she thinks about it.... idk... I just worry... as a mother I want the best for them, I always thought having both their parents under the same roof, and love was all they needed.... we are a very affectionate family and always telling each other I love you, I just worry about those times we don't get along.... sorry to babble... a lot on my mind tonight... :oops:

The Doctor 2 kids; Whiskey Dick Mountain, WA, United States 59712 posts
status 15th Jan '13
Quoting ♥ Jessi ♥:" well I can't disagree... but I also feel like it's a two way street... I push his buttons a lot even ... [snip!] ... other I love you, I just worry about those times we don't get along.... sorry to babble... a lot on my mind tonight... :oops:"


No, no, I completely understand and you're not babbling.



Have you thought about couples counseling?



I mean, everyone has their disagreements, don't get me wrong. But when you have two people that deal with a conflict in very different ways (one needs to shut down, the other needs to talk) there has to be a middle ground, not one way or the other. I'm sorry if I assumed wrongly about your situation, but the sex thing especially set off warning bells in my head. Both people's feelings, whether based on something or simply what's going on for them in that moment, should not be put aside because the other person wants something. Maybe it's just a matter of learning to communicate better? Do you think if when things get heated he said, "okay, I need to go and get some space for 20 minutes, can we talk after 20 minutes?" it would be easier to let him have some space, but also let you know that you will be able to talk this out and not just have it simmer?



<3

♥ Jessi ♥ 2 kids; Alaska 23137 posts
15th Jan '13
Quoting The Doctor:" No, no, I completely understand and you're not babbling. Have you thought about couples counseling? ... [snip!] ... to let him have some space, but also let you know that you will be able to talk this out and not just have it simmer? <3"

ya the sex thing bothers me too... I think it's his way of being close but I'm just not into It like I use to be, he's mentioned that I don't want to be with him as often as I use to and I try to explain that I'm older, had 2 kids and a surgery I feel decreased my libido (idk if it did, but since my tubes were tied I just don't have the energy or desire I did before) and he doesn't get it.... but it's only getting me there that's the problem, once we're doing it I'm into it.... very odd I think...



and yes that might be a better way to deal with it, when I get upset I don't think very rationally.... we decided to go to counseling about a year ago, we were on Medicaid at the time, then he went back to work and they kicked us off and we haven't reappointed since... we'd qualify right now but only for a couple months.... I don't know if there is anything we can do without paying and we can't afford it.... I'd like to get back into counseling but I need a real phsyciatrist next time... it was a joke before... I'm having anxiety a lot lately and just moody as he'll and I hate it... I wish I could hit an off switch.

TheNuge 1 child; Pennsylvania 23055 posts
15th Jan '13

I said physical is worse but it all depends on the specifics and the degree of being worse is only slight.

TheNuge 1 child; Pennsylvania 23055 posts
15th Jan '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting ♥ Jessi ♥:</b>" ya the sex thing bothers me too... I think it's his way of being close but I'm just not into It like ... [snip!] ... was a joke before... I'm having anxiety a lot lately and just moody as he'll and I hate it... I wish I could hit an off switch."</blockquote>




If I were you, I would make it a priority to see a psychiatrist. If you can't "do it for yourself," do it for your kids so that they have a better role model for a healthy mom and healthy marriage.



Counseling has a great deal todo with the counselor. If you find a good one that has the approach of getting you two on the right track in a few visits, that can be VERY helpful.
Also, there are AWESOME marriage resources in the bookstore and library.
Go to Barnes and noble, get a cup of coffee and browse some relationship book. There are good resources out there.

Alicia Holz 2 kids; Fond du Lac, Wisconsin 585 posts
15th Jan '13

oh i have had my husband yell at me for not cleaning to his standords in front of our 5 year old so now she goes dont worry mommy i will help you clean so daddy doesnt yell at you...shes 5 and already knows to lie to him so mommy doesnt get yelled at...and when i bought up the cleaning thing and the yelling he just says well if you would clean i wouldnt have to yell...hes the type where he needs others around so they know hes in charge...

Minion Due September 30 (girl); 2 kids; ., GA, United States 21539 posts
status 15th Jan '13

Eh, arguing isn't really the same as verbal abuse. I've yelled and screamed with parents, SO, and other people, but we weren't abusing each other.
Now if someone starting screaming that I was nothing but a worthless p***e o* s**t then it would be abuse.

Mama Rice 34 kids; North Las Vegas, Nevada 11980 posts
15th Jan '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Alicia Holz:</b>" oh i have had my husband yell at me for not cleaning to his standords in front of our 5 year old so ... [snip!] ... says well if you would clean i wouldnt have to yell...hes the type where he needs others around so they know hes in charge..."</blockquote>



My DH would be cleaning that shit up himself or out of my life. I don't keep my house super clean but it is pretty organized, safe (cleanliness and clutter wise) for my kids. He wants it cleaner he can help or do it his damn self.

Mama Lizzy :] 1 child; Texas 5575 posts
15th Jan '13

OP I feel like we are in a very similar situation...our arguements have gotten so bad tho our 13 mo has actually become scared of his Dad ( for a night)...my fiance has anger problems...its a two way street tho and I am trying to improve myself and put us in counseling right now to make things better....PM if you ever wanna vent

Barfy McVomitron Due July 19; 4 kids; Glen Burnie, Maryland 29256 posts
15th Jan '13

my husband and I have yelled at each other, but he's an a*****e. if he tried to physically abuse me I'd kill him

Kaleighshaleigh 3 kids; USA 5945 posts
15th Jan '13

I think it depends on the argument. I think it's good for kids to see their parents have an argument that is nothing more than a deep discussion. (No foul language, or disrespect) and then also witness how that disagreement is worked out. However if a child witnesses verbal abuse, then that is more than an argument and just as damaging. IMO .

♥ Jessi ♥ 2 kids; Alaska 23137 posts
16th Jan '13
Quoting TheNuge:" <blockquote><b>Quoting ♥ Jessi ♥:</b>" ya the sex thing bothers me too... ... [snip!] ... library. Go to Barnes and noble, get a cup of coffee and browse some relationship book. There are good resources out there."


I live in small town Alaska so not many community resources... but I hope I can find someone I feel actually wants to help.... I've been on numerous meds all of which made me feel worse or like a zombie... I have tried talking to quite a few doctors and I just don't feel like anything has helped and now I have no medical coverage so that makes it even worse.... but I'm going to file for Medicaid asap, only problem is I won't be eligible once my husband goes back to work... it's a mess. :oops:
I know I need to find something to help..... I don't have barnes and nobile but I may be able to find books on my kindle fire....

justanothamotha Due January 20; 130 kids; Climax, Michigan 5120 posts
16th Jan '13

I have yet to know of a couple who had physical altercations that didn't also have verbal going on as well,. You don't get one OR the other - so physical has to be worse because it is an emotionally AND physically unsafe environment versus only an emotionally unsafe one. Both aren't good though.

Tig Ol' Bitties 2 kids; St Catharines, Ontario 3251 posts
status 16th Jan '13

My parents fought a lot growing up. It was my moms assumption that children SHOULD witness arguements so that they know they are normal and people get past them.



I hated it however, I'd have to sit quietly and watch them go back and forth for hours and rarely was it resolved. I thought to myself as a kid that I'd much prefer them happy and divorced.



I don't think you should avoid every tiny bit of conflict around your kids but I do think if it goes on more than a couple exchanges, it needs to be dealt with away from the kids. Either once they are in bed or if it can't wait, go to another room

user banned Lesbos, Greece 95211 posts
16th Jan '13

Equally as damaging.



ETA: Our children see us settle disagreements like adults. That's what I am trying to teach my children and that is the example that is healthy for them to see; not us fighting, which we never do anyway.