Like I'm going nuts inside myself. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I'ma million other things I can't find words for.
A third of my heart is missing and it effing hurts. I miss Seth. I want him here. Now. I want to be thinking about school or weekend plans with him. Even listening to him and Aiden play soccer in the house waytoo loud, even though they know better. And, I feel it every day, but today? Today is one of those agonizing days. One of those "hard to breathe" days.
And, I was thinking maybe it'd be a good idea to talk. Or, not really to talk, but to admit to someone "I need you" and allow myself to be comforted. And i realized there's no one even here for that. One "friend" already made it clear that he won't be there if I seem "gloomy". The other is too busy. The only other person i would have called passed away last month.
I know this is all over the place. I guess I just need to vent. I'm tired. I feel destructive. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't want it. Seth wouldn't want it. Tyler wouldn't want it. But it won't go away. I wish I could just hug ask three of my kiddos together, just once. Just for a minute. Just so I can remember what it feels like to be okay.
I hate this.