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Summerfrost 51 kids; Massachusetts 6862 posts
20th Jan '13

Back in the day when we were first married, we kind of nuked our relationship. He was working 24/7 and I was home by myself in an apartment that was 2 hours away from all friends and family. So .. .I went out and got a job and some friends. And I got a little too friendly with one of those friends. There was other stuff going on, but that's the trimmed down version. We got real close to calling it quits.



Eventually after lots of drama, me and DH decided we wanted to move back to where our family was and try again. It took a while, but we eventually worked out our issues. I think what helped us is that we had already been together for so long (5 years). Now we've been married for 11 years and had 4 kids together.



I think that it depends why your SO cheated and if you can work out those issues. For us, different jobs and a different place to live fixed our problems.

MyPurrrtyBabies 3 kids; Alabama 8386 posts
20th Jan '13
Quoting [JadeLee]:" how did you guys work past the infidelity? I found out after SO proposed to me before last christmas. ... [snip!] ... I have never said this about anyone else and it just sounds so corny, but I couldn't picture my life without him at this point."


Honestly, I think the real reason why I was able to let go is because it was ONLY one time. If it was more than once and was an ongoing thing (and/or) was with other females I absolutely would have left for good. Its like the one time, and he instantly regretted it and was very sorry that he hurt me and betrayed me and felt so shamed of his self and has not done it since and even gets worried that I may do it. My way of thinking, which I think that way for some men not all, that most of the men who only messed up once, most likely it won't happen again, but I apply that thinking to SOME, not all.

JessicaMatlock:) Due May 7 (boy); 1 child; Modesto, California 1337 posts
20th Jan '13

he told me they went on 4-5 dates together but it never led to sex even though he wanted it to at the moment.. its hard for me to believe if they had sex or not because if he lied about one thing whos to say he didnt lie about that part.. i just dont want to make the big mistake and end things everything was great between us until the pregnancy and after that.. it went to hell.. he partied and did the dates.. i became emotional and pregnant like.. but in the end i do love him and i do want to spend my life with him.. i just dont want to end up hating him 5 years from now from what happened this time even if he was completely faithful from this point on

Vivialopod 2 kids; Vantaa, Finland 42788 posts
21st Jan '13

Nope.



Not that he wants it. He left me for her.

Mama Lizzy :] 1 child; Texas 5575 posts
21st Jan '13

Yes....it took me a year and a half to actually ACCEPT that he did it and start to heal. I had to mourn too for the relationship I thought we had and how it was before he cheated...but he cheated on me with his ex so thats a different situation then yours. It was a one time thing...but the sex wasnt what was so hard to get past...it was that he had lied about being fully over her all those years...and them the betrayel/disrespect of course. Anyway since I started accepting it I stopped dwelling on it and letting it rule my life...I was literally going insane....Its been over 2 years now and I can actually talk about it without it f**king up my whole day :( time really does heal...once you accept what happened anyway.



Currently we are not in a good patch...this is really due to other issues...tho the cheating did wear me down alot to get much strength for how things are now

Van West Auckland, NZ, New Zealand 3180 posts
21st Jan '13
Quoting !Randa Roo!:" My hubby never cheated on me, but I did catch him laying on some b***hes couch when I got home and he ... [snip!] ... complete disrespect. If he would have cheated on me, it would have been over in a second. I will not put up with that shit."


You punched your husband multiple times for being at some chicks house?



OP i've never been in that situation so I don't know how I would handle it. Good luck with it though. I know a couple who got through cheating and their relationship is stronger than ever (they did counselling and stuff to help get through it and sort out their problems) Would you be open to couples counselling?

Lynariman.. 3 kids; Arizona 289 posts
21st Jan '13
Quoting Katie♥'sherHippo:" I said I forgave him (DS's dad :/) but I never really did and he continued to cheat on me so I finally left him and it was the best decision I made."


i cant wait till i can finally say this, i finally left my cheating SO but its not easy i miss him so much even though i know hes with someone else because i wouldnt take him back

Mama♥Breezy 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Los Angeles, California 34988 posts
21st Jan '13

Yup, it was mutual. 2011 was HELL for our marriage. We went back & forth so much, it was beyond unhealthy. We separated and almost divorced early last year because off it all... We've been back together and working at it since last summer. It's been VERY hard, and it takes serious commitment...but it can be done. It's all about supporting one another when things get hard and being 100% transparent in our marriage to rebuild trust. We talk about EVERYTHING and spend as much time together as we can to remain connected. We understand it's going to take a few years for us to fully heal, and we're willing to work for it.

Lin Brown 2 kids; Tunnel Hill, Georgia 1824 posts
21st Jan '13

I was with my ex for a year and a half and not only did he cheat on me with MANY girls he met online, but he was also trying to get to my 2 best friends. It wasn't the fact that he had cheated on me, it was the fact that he lied and tried to hide it from me and I was also in complete denial because I was afraid I was going to be alone forever so I didn't want to lose him, but now that I am married to a faithful man I am sooo happy I left my ex's cheated ass, he was the only guy to ever cheat on me because all the others had the desentcy to break it off before getting with another woman. I will never stay with another cheater just because no matter what, it will always be in the back of your mind that he did that and the trust will always be broken no matter what you tell yourself, if a man is going to cheat, he WILL do it and its just a matter of whether or not he wants to tell you because he knows you will take him back every time. I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" bullshit, but I do fully believe that if they want to they will find a way.

mandee831 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Georgia 532 posts
21st Jan '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting JessicaMatlock:):</b>" he told me they went on 4-5 dates together but it never led to sex even though he wanted it to at the ... [snip!] ... want to end up hating him 5 years from now from what happened this time even if he was completely faithful from this point on"</blockquote>




I know you're asking for women to tell you IF they forgave a cheater, and I can't answer that because I've never been in that situation. However, based on what you've said, I just want to share my opinion.



Two things about your man bothers me: You said he claimed he did it because you weren't showing affection. That to me is a red flag. He's not taking responsibility for his actions and is trying to deflect that by making you feel like you did something to cause his waywardness. Second, he said he didn't have sex with her but wanted to. Another huge red flag! The fact that he would have had a sexual relationship with someone else (had the woman been willing) while you're at home pregnant is just disgusting to me. I'm sorry to say, but if he really loved you like a man should love a wife, he would not be interested in pursuing other women. This wasn't a moment of weakness... 4-5 dates means that he was pursuing, and romancing, another woman. Bad signs OP... :-(

Party of 6 4 kids; Nevada 7459 posts
status 21st Jan '13

My daughter's dad cheated numerous times, always with the same girl, a girl I had become friends with. He ended up getting her pregnant but she got an abortion. She would cry to me about it, he pretended to have no idea. I found out about everything a year later. It had ended, we were in a different place and I thought I could move on. I did for awhile but when we moved back to the same city, it all started happening again. And I forgave him again. I didn't realize how unhealthy our relationship was until I got out. I never stopped thinking about it, even after we stopped talking about it. My self-esteem was at an all time low. I felt like I could not live without him. We were together 7 years before I finally left, and I ended up leaving over drug issues, not just the cheating. I would never ever forgive someone for cheating again. Being with my fiance now, I see how a relationship should be and what I CAN expect from a man. I'd never settle for less than that again.

Lin Brown 2 kids; Tunnel Hill, Georgia 1824 posts
21st Jan '13

pretty much its not about whether or not you can forgive, its whether or not you can fully forget and can have full trust in him. A relationship without trust is like a stuffed animal without the stuffing, its just not a real relationship anymore just like the stuffed animal isn't a stuffed animal anymore and your going to end up throwing it away if you can't put the stuffing back in, just like you would eventually end the relationship if you are unable to put the trust back into it. does that make sense?

Mama♥Breezy 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Los Angeles, California 34988 posts
21st Jan '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting mandee831:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting JessicaMatlock:):</b>" he told me they went on 4-5 dates together ... [snip!] ... This wasn't a moment of weakness... 4-5 dates means that he was pursuing, and romancing, another woman. Bad signs OP... :-("</blockquote>



!!!!!



Number one thing for forgiveness is for the person to accept responsibility. I let my husband walk all over me for a year and do as he pleased because I felt so guilty for cheating first. Not anymore, I wish I could go back in time & have the strength I have now. We both had to understand that NO MATTER what the other person did, whether it be ignore us or treat us badly, the act of cheating was 110% on our own shoulders. Until he accepts blame without any "but you" after it ...you will not be able to get past it.

Mama♥Breezy 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Los Angeles, California 34988 posts
21st Jan '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Lin Brown:</b>" pretty much its not about whether or not you can forgive, its whether or not you can fully forget and ... [snip!] ... in, just like you would eventually end the relationship if you are unable to put the trust back into it. does that make sense? "</blockquote>




I don't think it has anything to do with forgetting...that is something you never forget. It's all about forgiving and learning to cope with it. It will remain a huge elephant in the room until the issues are addressed. Even then, it will never go away. It will just be a fact of the marriage that both partners have to work to get past.

Tarynosaurus Rex San Antonio, Texas 1271 posts
21st Jan '13

My ex cheated on me 2 and a half years into our relationship while we were living together. We stayed together another year and a half after that for a total of 4 years, but I never really got past the cheating. It sucks to have to constantly worry about whether or not your partner is out cheating on you when they don't answer your calls or texts or they come home late etc. The feeling was never the same after that.



Current SO has never cheated and I truly believe he never would. If he did though I'm almost positive I would not forgive. I learned my lesson the first time.