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jessicamarie_92 Due June 14 (boy); 16 kids; Whittier, California 136 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" Who said anything about "submitting"? This isn't about "women power" and who has more rights yadda ... [snip!] ... has to set the tone for the relationship. Playing games back and forth isn't going to accomplish anything or prove anything."


i appreciate your input but you dont know me at all, what makes you think you have the right to say that I need to grow up? It's astonishing to me how you could make a judgement about me over a computer screen.

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting jessicamarie_92:" i appreciate your input but you dont know me at all, what makes you think you have the right to say ... [snip!] ... right to say that I need to grow up? It's astonishing to me how you could make a judgement about me over a computer screen. "


This statement right here leads me to believe I am right among the others you have posted. Be astonished. Hell, be flabergasted! You refuse to see that you have any part of this mess. Accountability failure. You missed the message in that post completely and went right to the defense on your "maturity". You don't see where I would get from you that you would need to grow up? Interesting.



You are 16w pregnant with a child and you aren't with the father. You can't even get on the same page as the father. If you were mature to any degree, you wouldn't be in the situation you are in right now. There I said it. Don't like those words? Too bad. Those are the facts. Responsibility starts at preventing unplanned pregnancy. If that can't happen, then it goes into finding a way to be amicable with the other party. I am not saying he is innocent in this to any degree. He is at a massive fault with his immaturity and the described lack of respect on his part. IF you remember, I agreed that his mother has NO place in your bubble during labor and I said that you don't have to allow him there but to keep the option open. The two of you need to start working thru your differences now. You are stuck with him for the rest of your life now. If you don't want to be the bigger person and want to sit in this victim role with a "poor pittiful me" attitude the rest of the time, that is on you. You can either be proactive and try to figure out compromises so that this coparenting of this baby is smooth and has minimal drama or you can keep playing the games back and forth. The choice is yours. Like I said, someone needs to set the tone for the relationship. It clearly isn't going to be him. At this rate, I don't see it being you either. You would rather just be pissed off at his actions rather than trying to burry the mess and move forward for the sake of the child.

jessicamarie_92 Due June 14 (boy); 16 kids; Whittier, California 136 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" This statement right here leads me to believe I am right among the others you have posted. Be astonished. ... [snip!] ... would rather just be pissed off at his actions rather than trying to burry the mess and move forward for the sake of the child."


ok well youve made your opinion clear whether or not i agree with it is irrelevant. maybe in the next 19 weeks we will work things out, or something will change. but as for now its the way it is for a reason. im confident that either way my son and i will be happy ive talked professionally to someone about this and they said to give it time and make a well thought out plan for the approach, and be prepared to be let down but dont expect it. I am going to try it and see what happens

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting jessicamarie_92:" ok well youve made your opinion clear whether or not i agree with it is irrelevant. maybe in the next ... [snip!] ... out plan for the approach, and be prepared to be let down but dont expect it. I am going to try it and see what happens "


No professional would tell you to be prepared to be let down but don't expect it.



At the end of the day, the message I have blurted over and over is that there has to be a middle ground between the two of you. It doesn't matter what his mom wants or what your outside support system wants. It is what the two of you can compromise on together for your child. This baby is just as much his as he is yours. Find an appropriate way to approach him with "soft" words (that is something that your "professional" should have told you about) rather than words that immediately draw the other party to hit the deffense. When you approach him with a conversation don't come at him with "You do this and blah blah blah". Those are "hard" words that will put him on the defense and shut him down to any compromise no matter how sweet you make the pot for him. Approach with "I have been thinking on how we can come together for the birth of our son and I would like to have some of your ideas as well". Allow him to interject his thoughts. Even if they are "stupid". He might have a good opinion here and there. Find a way to make some of his wants meet your needs. At the end of the day, baby will be with you most during the first year. You will have to learn to share these moments with him without fighting. Perhaps the two of you can create a special skype account for just you two for info on the baby, or a FB to share updates on him and photos ect.. Something to make him feel as involved as he thinks he should be without feeling emasculated. Understand that he is likely as bitter as you are. You might have to take a few lashings of nasty words and bite your tounge. You will have to figure how to be the adult and ignore them. If you play back, that game will never end.



Do you understand what I have been trying to say now?

jessicamarie_92 Due June 14 (boy); 16 kids; Whittier, California 136 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" No professional would tell you to be prepared to be let down but don't expect it. At the end of the ... [snip!] ... the adult and ignore them. If you play back, that game will never end. Do you understand what I have been trying to say now?"


yes i understand, and thats where the plan comes in. she wants me to be prepared because she knows the different thinking pattern and the actions that follow for me. There is no straight answer for this problem and there is not just one solution. and i agree with the conversation beginning but at this point he doesnt want to talk so she wants me to wait till a little time goes by to let things settle down. She actually is a great psychologist and has helped me quite a lot. I'm not sure what more to say on this topic other then i appreciate the women who tried to understand and respect those with another opinion. Either way if the line of communication does reopen maybe things will change but as of now im just thinking of a better plan

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting jessicamarie_92:" yes i understand, and thats where the plan comes in. she wants me to be prepared because she knows the ... [snip!] ... Either way if the line of communication does reopen maybe things will change but as of now im just thinking of a better plan"


Just be open and to him and don't close the door. Ultimately, it will be you to set the tone of the relationship. It is a large undertaking but, someone has to do it. After you calm down and get over the burn, reach out again. if you have to do it in letter form, write the letter 5 times and have it read by a biased party before sending it. 19 weeks sounds like a long time but really, it isn't.




The others told you what you wanted to hear. Not what you needed to be told. There is a difference. This isn't really about "you" as much as it is about the long term of your child. Remember that always. My husband gets on my last nerve like nobody can. However, I have to remember to not say anything nasty to him or about him infront of our kids. He is their daddy and their hero. They have their own relationship with him and my issues with his dirty socks and his lack of time/ money management shouldn't waiver on their fun with their daddy. You have different issues but the example fits only insert your situations.

amstaveley Due June 5 (boy); 2 kids; Sadieville, Kentucky 6 posts
28th Jan '13

Labor and delivery are a fragile balance that include more than just mom and baby's physicality. A laboring woman is at the mercy of her mental, emotional, and psychological state. It is well documented in the medical literature that psychological and emotional stress can disrupt this fragile flow of labor and slow, or even stop, contractions. It is entirely up to you (OP) whether you choose to allow your ex and/or his mother in the room with you while you are laboring and delivering.
On a personal note, with my first, I had a VERY similar ex. Off drinking and drugging rather than taking an active part in the pregnancy. He was brought into the delivery room when I was delivering and I regret it deeply and 13 years later, still feel residual anger every once in a while. It was a moment for myself and my baby and he had no place there. I understand the perspective of many of the other posters on this thread that the birth of ones' child is a once in a lifetime experience, but this is also the case for the mother. And I respectfully disagree with those adamant that he has a right to be there. As an aside, a man physically being present for the birth of hs child may not be the life-changing/perspective-changing event that some may think. Good luck in making this very personal and important decision.

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting amstaveley:" Labor and delivery are a fragile balance that include more than just mom and baby's physicality. A laboring ... [snip!] ... life-changing/perspective-changing event that some may think. Good luck in making this very personal and important decision."

Nobody says he has a right to be there. We say she has to find a balance to work this out with him for the future relationship and to keep the possibility open as she is still early in pregnancy.

amstaveley Due June 5 (boy); 2 kids; Sadieville, Kentucky 6 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" Nobody says he has a right to be there. We say she has to find a balance to work this out with him for the future relationship and to keep the possibility open as she is still early in pregnancy. "

Like I said, I understand your perspective, but I respectfully disagree. Walking away from something that is damaging is not necessarily a sign of weakness and immaturity, but can also be a sign of resilience and strength. I see your point about trying to keep the possibility of his involvement in labor, delivery, and parenting open, but at the same time, OP also has the right (and the prerogative) to make the decision to cut him out of any or all processes regardless of how others perceive it.
I don't think anyone takes such a decision lightly, and obviously OP is already agonizing over these circumstances, but at the same time, supporting her decision-making process rather than criticizing it is perhaps a more constructive route.

user banned Colorado 21030 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" No professional would tell you to be prepared to be let down but don't expect it. At the end of the ... [snip!] ... the adult and ignore them. If you play back, that game will never end. Do you understand what I have been trying to say now?"


Middle ground - wait in waiting room.



That sounds perfectly fair.

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting ♥ darah ♥:" Middle ground - wait in waiting room. That sounds perfectly fair."


I don't think that is unfair. I always advocate for the two parents to figure out how to work things thru rather than be at odds and it affect the child negatively. There are circumstances where the mother is better to cut bait and run and hide (I had an ex that if I ever had a child with, that is exactly what I would have done. no questions asked). For the most part, it really boils down to the two coming together and finding a middle ground of mutual respect.

jessicamarie_92 Due June 14 (boy); 16 kids; Whittier, California 136 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" I don't think that is unfair. I always advocate for the two parents to figure out how to work things ... [snip!] ... asked). For the most part, it really boils down to the two coming together and finding a middle ground of mutual respect. "


Well how would you know he wasn't one of those guys? you dont know our whole situation like i explained. But your saying you would do the same with an ex if you had a baby with him?

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting jessicamarie_92:" Well how would you know he wasn't one of those guys? you dont know our whole situation like i explained. But your saying you would do the same with an ex if you had a baby with him? "


My ex tried to kill me by wrapping a phone cord around my neck and told me he was going to rip my face off and shove it down my neck so the cops would have to pull it out to identify me. Does that sound like someone that you would want in your life? He was a meth addict that beat me horribly regularly. If it wasn't for his own mother I would be dead right now. Happy? You like that story? I sure don't like talking about it but since you think you need something to compare to.....



That sound like your guy? I didn't think so. Again, you need to grow up!!!!



Just when I think that shit is getting thru to you. :roll:

jessicamarie_92 Due June 14 (boy); 16 kids; Whittier, California 136 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting Not tellin:" My ex tried to kill me by wrapping a phone cord around my neck and told me he was going to rip my face ... [snip!] ... like your guy? I didn't think so. Again, you need to grow up!!!! Just when I think that shit is getting thru to you. :roll:"


No actually it doesn 't sound like a man i want in my life. Too bad my ex drinks so much hed rather punch holes in the wall and threaten to purposely get in a car accident when i wanted to leave. i had to leave when he was at work at 1 am. He also hung my cat out of a window. I DONT PUT EVERYTHING OUT HERE FOR A REASON, like i said before you dont know my whole story. Despite all of this i will still continue to keep an open mind and follow through with keeping the lines of communication open. its not your place to "get through to me". a forum is simply there to give advice and support. Either way i know you will demand the last word and thats fine

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55982 posts
28th Jan '13
Quoting jessicamarie_92:" No actually it doesn 't sound like a man i want in my life. Too bad my ex drinks so much hed rather ... [snip!] ... to me". a forum is simply there to give advice and support. Either way i know you will demand the last word and thats fine"



You got advice, you got support. I wasn't trying to get thru to you. I said just when I thought "shit" was getting thru to you. Getting thru to you meant that you UNDERSTOOD the point. Clearly, all you want is to hear that you are right.



I have offered the best advice I have that works in YOUR benefit and benefits your child most. Counseling, you stepping up the conversation to set the tone of the relationship and not playing his games ect.. all of this puts YOU in the drivers seat, it gives YOU control. You are just too burned by me not kissing your ass from the start to see that.



I don't "demand" anything but I will give you my last word to you. It is more of a phrase and you can take it for it's worth, GROW UP! If you can't stop being on the defense (even when you shouldn't be) with everything and trying to pad/plead your case, you aren't going to come out on top of this. It will continue to go in the same cycle that it is in right now.