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Excluding BD, for my own sanity. MahmuhMahmuh 3 kids; Wichita, Kansas 6706 posts
27th Jan '13

This is such a mess, and it's my fault, I am already aware (before someone feels the need to tell me).. The father of the child I'm carrying is a world-class dbag. We met online, talked and hung out for a few months eventually hooked up (once) and now I'm pregnant, anyways, after the fact I find out that he is living with a woman who he claims not to be in a relationship with but he did tell me "she will be hurt when she finds out about this".. I don't hear from him often and when I do it's just a bunch of lies and inconsistencies.. I have emotional support for myself and the baby, before I found out I was pregnant I started seeing this blast from the past and he is now completely supportive of my pregnancy.. I'm stuck though, I feel bad excluding this guy (BD), in the case he did man up and want to be around, but I also know those chances are slim and I can't say no to a guy who calls every morning to see if the sickness routine has subsided, kisses my non-existent baby bump everytime I see him and constantly reminds me that I am not alone...



Is it selfish to not even want to deal with BD? I wouldn't keep him from seeing the child after birth as long as he was not a danger to the child, but the fact that I cannot count on him makes me want to cut him out of this stage. I don't want to end up in the delivery room alone because I waited for him and he got t**d u* with his "homeboys".... smdh what have I got myself into...

ThreeLittleBirds Due August 28; 3 kids; Pueblo West, CO, United States 950 posts
status 27th Jan '13

Everyone makes mistakes. My ex husband is a douche and we have three kids. Just worry about you and take it slow with the new guy. As for the BD don't feel pressured to make him part of the scenario but be aware he is going to have rights to your baby. After the baby's born request child support and set up custody arrangements if he wants to see the baby.

Jane.Doe. Fukushima, Japan 2805 posts
27th Jan '13

He doesnt need to be involved in the pregnancy if he isen't trying to be. It's fine to not go out of your way to involve someone who doesn't want to be involved. Give him a courtesy call when the kid is born if he wants to come see it and sign the birth certificate, if not, he can deal with DNA testing and child support enforcement later lol

KyliesMommy2012 Tokyo, Japan 1159 posts
27th Jan '13

Just because you are seeing/talking to someone else, doesn't mean that you have to exclude BD. If he WANTS to see the baby, let him. Just because he's involved in the childs life doesn't mean you guys have to be together. Why should you feel bad? It's his doing to not be in the pictue at the moment.




Take it slow with the new guy. Enjoy your time with him and be HAPPY. :)

Mommy|Of2 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Canada 3023 posts
27th Jan '13

Just focus on you and the baby.



If he wants to come around he will do it himself. As long as you leave the door open then there's no reason to feel guilty for being with someone else.

Monica♥YASDYARDFR 17 kids; Beverly Hills, California 57063 posts
27th Jan '13

I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I would give him the chance to be there and if he doesn't take it that is all on him. I personally wouldn't go after him for child support though. I don't think any amount of money is worth putting my child through the pain of dealing with an absentee father. I think I would rather not deal with that.

KyliesMommy2012 Tokyo, Japan 1159 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting Monica♥YASDYARDFR:" I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I would give him the chance to be there and if he doesn't ... [snip!] ... money is worth putting my child through the pain of dealing with an absentee father. I think I would rather not deal with that."

How is him paying her child support going to put the child through anything? He made baby too. He should have to pay to help raise baby.

MahmuhMahmuh 3 kids; Wichita, Kansas 6706 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting KyliesMommy2012:" Just because you are seeing/talking to someone else, doesn't mean that you have to exclude BD. If he ... [snip!] ... his doing to not be in the pictue at the moment. Take it slow with the new guy. Enjoy your time with him and be HAPPY. :)"


I wouldn't keep him from seeing the child, after it's born but I've basically told him I want nothing to do with him unless he decides to grow up.. And the new guy isn't new, but we're still going very slow. (Which is hard considering I have always told people that I should have married him when I had the chance.) Trying to be happy though, it isn't easy, this was not in my plan, but I know it'll work out!

Drunk Blair Waldorf 2 kids; Alpharetta, Georgia 19208 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting Monica♥YASDYARDFR:" I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I would give him the chance to be there and if he doesn't ... [snip!] ... money is worth putting my child through the pain of dealing with an absentee father. I think I would rather not deal with that."


I'm sorry, but what does getting child support have to do with having an absentee father? A father isn't automatically allowed visitation just because they pay child support and they aren't automatically denied visitation if they don't. It was still him who laid down with her and made this baby and he should still pay for half of the baby's bills, regardless of whether or not he wants to be involved in the baby's life as a father figure.




OP it's not wrong to not include BD in this stage. Let him come to you and accept whatever he's offering, but I wouldn't go out of my way to include him in stuff if he hasn't expressed the desire to be included.

Monica♥YASDYARDFR 17 kids; Beverly Hills, California 57063 posts
27th Jan '13

Because I would rather not give the father any rights until he is ready to man up and take them. Getting a check from the dude every month gives him rights that I would rather not deal with. If he played absent the entire pregnancy there is no way I would put him on the birth certificate or take him to court. In the event that something happens to you the child would go to next of kin which would be the father. I would rather the child stay with my parents or whoever else had been in her life that she knew and was comfortable with.

Monica♥YASDYARDFR 17 kids; Beverly Hills, California 57063 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting Blair Waldorf (SuperKink):" I'm sorry, but what does getting child support have to do with having an absentee father? A father isn't ... [snip!] ... he's offering, but I wouldn't go out of my way to include him in stuff if he hasn't expressed the desire to be included."


And courts do tend to give visitation rights to fathers. My brother wasn't there for my nephew the first six months of his life because he was a dumbass. When she took him to court for child support he got visitation.

KyliesMommy2012 Tokyo, Japan 1159 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting MahmuhMahmuh:" I wouldn't keep him from seeing the child, after it's born but I've basically told him I want nothing ... [snip!] ... him when I had the chance.) Trying to be happy though, it isn't easy, this was not in my plan, but I know it'll work out!"


I know it isn't easy. I'm sorry you're dealing with a douche bag. Life doesn't always go as planned but it's what you make of it. :)



You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure you will do just fine. :) "The one who raises the child is called the father. Not the one who helped make them."

Drunk Blair Waldorf 2 kids; Alpharetta, Georgia 19208 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting Monica♥YASDYARDFR:" Because I would rather not give the father any rights until he is ready to man up and take them. Getting ... [snip!] ... I would rather the child stay with my parents or whoever else had been in her life that she knew and was comfortable with. "


It doesn't work like that in the state of Georgia. The father has no rights until he petitions the courts for them. So even if he's paying child support, he still has no right to custody or visitation unless the mother agrees or he takes it to court. As far as next of kin goes, you would just need a will stating that the child would go to whomever since the child did not know her biological father and he had no custody of her.



But all states have different laws.

IDGAF ❤ 1 child; San Diego, CA, United States 30523 posts
27th Jan '13
Quoting Blair Waldorf (SuperKink):" I'm sorry, but what does getting child support have to do with having an absentee father? A father isn't ... [snip!] ... he's offering, but I wouldn't go out of my way to include him in stuff if he hasn't expressed the desire to be included."


:!::!::!:

kentucky momma 19 kids; Corbin, Kentucky 176 posts
27th Jan '13

Im in a similar situation, my BD and I arent together and when he found out that i was seeing someone new he started telling me that if i was going to be with a new guy that he wants NOTJING to do with our son when hes born...but he hasnt been there at all during the pregnancy and im due in May