He doesn't understand and he admits it he doesn't. DH isn't necessarily an affectionate person to begin with... I've learned I have to remind him sometimes it's what I need, but if I remind him he's there. If I ask him to watch DD for a while, just so I can breathe, he'll do it. I just have to ask. It's not always easy and yeah, we'll bicker occasionally, but he tries. He tries really hard. I just have to be very forward and open about what I need.
eta and yes he thinks i'm ridiculous sometimes :P
SO doesn't really understand how to deal with my bipolar, OCD, or social anxiety. He thinks "forcing me to deal with it" will make me "get over it", so he can appear cold at times. There will always be critical moments when he can tell I'm overwhelmed, and he's always there for me then. He's never cruel to me and he doesn't ignore me, but he does force me to do things that trigger bad memories, emotions, etc.
<blockquote><b>Quoting LumpySpacePrincess:</b>" Mine ... Is not that supportive with it. I know that he has never really had to deal with this kind of ... [snip!] ... medication issues, all my disorders, study, children, and supporting SO through all MY issues but there's no one to support me."</blockquote>
No he should be supportive...my SO has realized ignoring me when I'm upset just makes it worse, so he lets me yell and cry and whatever and then talks to me or hugs me or whatever he thinks I need. However, this is after he did it for so long and then I finally calmly told him my frustration with his actions and told him a few times I felt like he doesn't love me when he acts like that. Plus, my son runs up when im like that and will give hugs and kisses or yell "Mom" (he's only 16-months) I'm not diagnosed with mental health issues, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out there's something wrong with me lol. I even know I'm overreacting sometimes and still can't stop myself from getting upset.
Our relationship is still fairly new...I've had my boyfriend read a few articles on bipolar and anxiety and I tell him how I feel to calm myself out of a panic attack. He doesn't really understand and the bipolar is really affecting our relationship, and he does get mad like your SO sometimes.
See ... SO knows that ignoring me makes it worse. He just does it cos "He works hard, he doesn't have to deal with this shit" and I should just hold it all in around him and act happy. He actually said that I better not "act crazy" while his family is over here. :roll:
Quoting LumpySpacePrincess:" See ... SO knows that ignoring me makes it worse. He just does it cos "He works hard, he doesn't have ... [snip!] ... hold it all in around him and act happy. He actually said that I better not "act crazy" while his family is over here. :roll:"
That's not healthy...that's really not healthy...he's not worth your time doll. =[
Quoting The Andromeda Strain:" That's not healthy...that's really not healthy...he's not worth your time doll. =["
He is a good guy though, he just ... Doesn't get it. And he doesn't seem to want to. I think the thing is he honestly thinks he should be able to make me happy, and me having issues makes him a "failure" as a SO.
Quoting LumpySpacePrincess:" He is a good guy though, he just ... Doesn't get it. And he doesn't seem to want to. I think the thing ... [snip!] ... I think the thing is he honestly thinks he should be able to make me happy, and me having issues makes him a "failure" as a SO."
He can't help that you have the problems that you do but YOU certainly can't either! One of the requirements of a good partner is that they're supportive through every bit of life's challenges. This may be a daily thing for you, but you deserve that, and there ARE men that can help you through that.
I'm sure he's a good man, and just doesn't know how to handle this...but the way he is talking to you is not okay. You're going to end up blaming yourself if you keep allowing him to act like this towards you.
Quoting The Andromeda Strain:" He can't help that you have the problems that you do but YOU certainly can't either! One of the requirements ... [snip!] ... is talking to you is not okay. You're going to end up blaming yourself if you keep allowing him to act like this towards you."
I already do blame myself. It's my fault for not keeping the house clean enough, it's my fault for him having to work while I study and not just going out and getting a job, it's my fault for everything.
<blockquote><b>Quoting The Andromeda Strain:</b>" He can't help that you have the problems that you do but YOU certainly can't either! One of the requirements ... [snip!] ... is talking to you is not okay. You're going to end up blaming yourself if you keep allowing him to act like this towards you."</blockquote>
He is not worth your time! You deserve to be treated better than that! It has taken some time for my SO to really get it (he did at first and lost it in between)...BUT my SO never said super mean shit to me.
What I had to do with my SO with my depression and anxiety was tell him EXACTLY what I needed when I was not in an episode. I explained that I do not want him to suggest solutions or try to talk me down. I told him when I get into one of my spirals all I need from him is to hold me and show me affection. I explained how it makes it worse when he's ignoring me because he doesn't know what to do. I feel neglected and it makes everything worse. He is finally starting to understand slowly and is working on doing what I need during my episodes. I hope your SO can understand as well and begin to support you the way you need him to. But the key is talking about it while you're not upset or in a mood. That way he knows what to do when u do get down.
He's copping the f**k out is what it sounds like to me. Whether he's trying to get away from having to "work" on an emotional level or mentally exit the relationship altogether doesn't even make a difference at this point.
Have you told him every single thing you mentioned here? And to answer your question, he should be supportive of you. It's not like you sprung any of this on him anyway. I understand some people realize they're in over their heads but that doesn't sound like what's going on here. To me it sounds like he's trying to take the easy way out for whatever reason. If you truly love someone you will do everything in your power to help that person, not shut them out and hope for the best. Are there any other issues in your relationship at the moment that he might be "running" from? Or does he have any issues himself he might be ignoring? A lot of people just shut down emotionally in order to protect themselves and that might be what's happening here... Or he's just being a jackass and cutting himself off emotionally. One of the two, probably.
If my husband wasn't supportive I don't know what I would do. I had my first two panic attacks in my life over the past month and they came out of nowhere. He was here for the second one and he basically had to hold me and calm me down for more than two hours straight while I begged for him to call 911. Handling that could not have been easy but he did it without thinking twice. He has also seen me have four or five seizures since we've been together and that can't be easy... I always come to apologizing because I feel bad anyone has to witness that and he keeps telling me it's not an issue; that he doesn't mind and I shouldn't worry. On top of all of that my mom is pissing us both off and he gets to hear about her nonstop. He never complains...
Basically he's a godsend and I love him. With all that being said I'm just as supportive of him. He has a crazy family and he's been working his ass off career wise so I get to hear about those things. I don't mind.
One more thing: I would say try to understand that he too is going through some trying times but you already know this and sympathize. Be sure to tell him this. He might just need a lot of reassurance and encouragement before he opens up to being 100% supportive. Some people just need to know they're appreciated and needed to begin with.
Quoting LumpySpacePrincess:" I already do blame myself. It's my fault for not keeping the house clean enough, it's my fault for him ... [snip!] ... it's my fault for him having to work while I study and not just going out and getting a job, it's my fault for everything."
How's the blame game working out for you guys? I imagine it isn't. Tell him this. Deciding blame isn't going to solve anything but compromise will. If there's any way you two can sit down and work out a way to meet in the middle with things like chores then do that as soon as possible. Be sure to keep it light and avoid arguing, name-calling, raising your voices, etc. because that will completely render your conversation worthless. Arguing never accomplishes anything.