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In Retrospect *Vent/Rant* Megarielle 1 child; 2 angel babies; Moline, IL, United States 1726 posts
3rd Feb '13

So just a note beforehand: Not a pity party. I am actually asking these questions (mostly of myself) to try and make sense of things that I do and think in correlation with what normal moms do and think. I can't handle anymore negativity, so please... keep it light and/or supportive. Thanks. :)



So a poll/forum I posted just confirmed my worst fears... yes, I am a horrible mother. I'm afraid I did not handle it well. My toddler woke up after I made my last post and I feel strangely... flaccid. As my boy had his after nap tantrum I just sort of sat there limply, unwilling to move or do... really anything. I'm really trying to move past my Asperger traits and be a good mom, but I don't think I get it. After realizing one is a bad parent, one usually is motivated to change one's ways and improve. I am strangely unmotivated... only depressed. I keep thinking ugly things like how everyone used to tell me how I didn't have to carry some monster's child, or I could give him up, or I would be reported to CPS someday... Perhaps I should be. Maybe I should leave my son with my parents and just go away... why is this where I go instead of using criticism to my advantage?
In RL I always wear a mask, so when friends or family tell me I'm a great mom, it is only because that is what I present.
Why do I always back off when my son is upset?
Why do I not seem to have that maternal common sense all these other mothers have?
I love my son in my head, but why can't I love him with words or actions?
I want to cry, but I don't think it would accomplish anything. I want to do something, but I'm afraid I won't know what to do after that action. I removed my son's bouncer from his room (long story, don't ask) and he is fine with it, but now I feel strangely disconnected and distant. He is now playing nicely in the corner... he is very well behaved. I am just praying he doesn't turn around and look at me right now.
I am realizing I have so few coping mechanisms... I never realized how few. I always thought I was pretty normal. Until the last few months... I'm seeing the differences in my conceptualization of parenting. I'm hearing the criticism of my dissimilar thought process. I can't handle it. I don't know what to do. Do I cry? Do I yell? Hold my breath? Stomp? Laugh? Go limp? Sleep? Is there any appropriate response? Will I always be cut off? I keep trying to explain what I'm thinking and I can't seem to assemble the appropriate words. I simply feel that no one can or will ever understand and it gives me this hopeless, bleak outlook on the future. Will ever change? Or am I doomed to temporary attempts before I become so confused I give up the attempt?
There is no one whom I can truly trust to give me advice because no one is there. There are some good parts and some bad. I believe the bad to be truly worse than it seems, but the good much more beneficial than it may actually be.



Are there any parents with Asperger's/autism that have any clue as to what I am saying?

Boobo&bugs 2 kids; Simpsonville, South Carolina 7698 posts
3rd Feb '13

I saw your last post. I just wanted to tell you I do not think you are a bad parent at all. You spend a ton of time with your son, and from what you said it seems like you actually pay attention to him while you're doing it. That is more than a lot of parents that I know do! Personally I didn't get the big deal about the Alfredo for breakfast. I hate anything breakfast related. And the cookie thing it was like right after his birthday. I can see exactly how that could happen!

Angel [Mariah's Mommy] 1 child; Indianapolis, Indiana 18065 posts
3rd Feb '13

I was in your last post. I don't believe that you are a bad parent. You just need to change a few things, things that aren't really that big of a deal.

MommaNoodle 2 kids; Pennsylvania 13115 posts
3rd Feb '13

i don't have asperger's, so i don't completely know what you're saying. but.... that doesn't mean there aren't people out there who do know, or would know what it's like for you and be able to help. do you have a family doctor? maybe he or she could refer you to someone who might be able to help. either that, or i would search the web and see what i could find.



but.... when a child is having a tantrum, you don't always have to do anything. as long as the child is not hurting him/herself, then just letting them cry and whine it out, isn't a terrible thing.



also.... this is not to sound mean or critical or anything, but you mentioned something about not knowing how to react to certain things because you're not sure what to do in the moments after that, so instead you are unresponsive altogether. i'm not exactly sure i am understanding it completely, but... how about letting yourself react in a way that you think is appropriate without worrying about the next moment? let the next moment come when it needs to. i know that is probably easier said than done, but it could be worth a try to see if you could do it. it seems like if the reaction you're thinking of might be all right, but it is the moment after that worries you and prevents you from any reaction at all, then maybe taking it moment by moment for certain situations is how you could try to deal with it.



other than this, i'm really not sure what else to say. but i wish you luck and i hope you can find some resources to help you. idk if autismspeaks.org would help, or if that is only for children, but that's the biggest one i can think of.

Yurvette [♥] 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Hyrule Castle, LZ, San Marino 36616 posts
3rd Feb '13
Quoting Angel [Mariah's Mommy]:" I was in your last post. I don't believe that you are a bad parent. You just need to change a few things, things that aren't really that big of a deal."

I agree...



I am not the best parent in the world. All of us have our flaws. Its ok. You live and learn.

JustMe&MyThree 3 kids; Chicago, Illinois 518 posts
3rd Feb '13

I went and read your last post so that I could follow... you are not a bad parent at all. I think that you are very loving and attentive from what you described. Yeah I'm sure that you could find a few minor flaws in your parenting style but I don't think you're abusing nor eglecting your baby boy. It seems like you are the typical single mom. We don't do everything right and on schedule but that doesn't mean that we are bad parents. I want you to not take the comments of some of those women to heart because some BG mom's have nothing better to do than attack other moms to make themselves feel better about their less than perfect lives. You're doing fine... just take it easy. Don't beat yourself up.

anonymom + 1.5 2 kids; West Virginia 10787 posts
3rd Feb '13
Quoting Megarielle:" So just a note beforehand: Not a pity party. I am actually asking these questions (mostly of myself) ... [snip!] ... beneficial than it may actually be. Are there any parents with Asperger's/autism that have any clue as to what I am saying?"


You're NOT a horrible parent. I tend to over analyze and agonize over what my reaction is "supposed" to be... is that kinda like what you're doing? I have so much trouble living in the moment.



But, to reiterate... you're not a terrible mom. You actually seem to be doing a good job.

Etha 6 kids; 3 angel babies; Blytheville, Arkansas 282 posts
3rd Feb '13

If your a bad mom I am too! I fed my kids little debbie oatmeal cream pies for breakfast. Its not something we do everyday but sometimes I say the hell with it and let them act like kids and have junk food even if its for breakfast!

I'm His Amy He's My Rory 2 kids; Caldwell, Idaho 49340 posts
3rd Feb '13

I don't know anyone in that thread that called you a horrible mom. It was said that you should step up and take charge of some things like eating choices, which you later then clarified, and sleeping locations, because they were unsafe. If anyone said anything that could have seemed like that, and you construed it that way, the only thing I can think of is with a lot of the suggestions you seemed to make excuses. Again NO ONE said you were a bad mom, just that a few things you should be more strict in.

Megarielle 1 child; 2 angel babies; Moline, IL, United States 1726 posts
3rd Feb '13

Thank you, all. I suppose a little info would help. lol My mom just got me a book to help me understand Aspergers and how I can raise my son without making him deal with my problems.
The problem with it is that the part of the amygdala in the brain that processes social and emotional understanding is either defective or not there all together. I have a hard time recognizing facial expressions and I have difficulty using them. It sounds weird but all of the emotions I experience are separate from "me". Maternal instinct and youthful arrogance are equally prevalent in my head, but neither are really connected to what I feel is my "core". So you can imagine how confusing and difficult it's been developing my own identity, I'm still attempting. Now, I am very lucky to be a high-functioning individual and I've never wanted to use this as a crutch. And now I feel like I am. My problem is I simply don't get it. Like really. It's a relief to hear you all say I'm not a bad mom, but I hope you see why I would be apt to believe anyone who would say that.

Supafly★ 2 kids; Poland 14113 posts
3rd Feb '13

I was in that last thread too and I don't think you're a bad mother at all. You were just full of excuses and now here you are posting with another excuse. There are plenty of mothers with Asberger's and even worse problems able to raise happy, healthy children. You can too and you ARE. You think it comes magically to anyone else on here? It doesn't. We all struggle to figure out this task called parenting, there's no set right way to do it.

Megarielle 1 child; 2 angel babies; Moline, IL, United States 1726 posts
3rd Feb '13
Quoting Angel [Mariah's Mommy]:" I was in your last post. I don't believe that you are a bad parent. You just need to change a few things, things that aren't really that big of a deal."

I think the issue for me is that I kept saying over and over how I agreed with the swing/bouncer thing and it would change. I also told them how the nutritional example wasn't the normal way we do things and they just kept on.
As far as the excuses... this is a term that has baffled me from childhood. My understanding is the explanations and excuses are synonymous. I don't feel I can avoid excuses, but I don't see how it's not expected. Some of the things said I accept, others I felt needed to be combated.
However now I'm being told the whole Aspergers thing is another excuse. This post wasn't meant as a sequel to the other. I was trying to write things out. There really is no haven.

~Raylan's Mama~ 1 child; Tennessee 2116 posts
3rd Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting I'm His Amy He's My Rory:</b>" I don't know anyone in that thread that called you a horrible mom. It was said that you should step up ... [snip!] ... you seemed to make excuses. Again NO ONE said you were a bad mom, just that a few things you should be more strict in."</blockquote>




:!::!::!:



No one is ever going to do everything perfect according to someone else's standards. I've learned especially with BG you will be told what you are doing wrong according to that person's opinion. Sometimes not always nicely. I get criticized for switching my son FFing when he hit 20lbs, which was at 11 months, which is legal in TN. I didn't necessarily want to switch him but it was what worked best for everyone at the time. Shit happens...just take it with a grain of salt, fix what you can that you know needs to be, and keep on movin'. All that matters is your son is well behaved (showing there is discipline somewhere) and he knows he's loved.

JustMe&MyThree 3 kids; Chicago, Illinois 518 posts
3rd Feb '13
Quoting Megarielle:" I think the issue for me is that I kept saying over and over how I agreed with the swing/bouncer thing ... [snip!] ... is another excuse. This post wasn't meant as a sequel to the other. I was trying to write things out. There really is no haven."


Please try to take in the constructive and ignore the rest. I saw some mom's being inappropriate with their responses on that thread. Two of which have now come to this thread. Just let them think what they'd like. You said you agreed with some of the critiques... just focus on those for right now. I doubt that any of those women have a direct knowledge of or extensive experience with your condition so they have no room to judge what you can and cannot handle. I think you're doing okay... just try to do better little by little every day. Good luck.

Megarielle 1 child; 2 angel babies; Moline, IL, United States 1726 posts
3rd Feb '13
Quoting Brendan&Bethany'sMom:" Please try to take in the constructive and ignore the rest. I saw some mom's being inappropriate with ... [snip!] ... judge what you can and cannot handle. I think you're doing okay... just try to do better little by little every day. Good luck."

Thank you. :)