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Future Mother-in-law drama.. K. P. Walsh Due August 5 (girl); Japan 1385 posts
4th Feb '13

SO and I are getting married! Very happy about that.. BUT, his mother, who I've made MANY posts about before (feel free to check em out if you need background) , is just a straight up issue.
Everyone was very pleased to hear that SO and I got engaged. Except his mother, apparently.
She came over when he was at work with her sister, SO's aunt and was very nice, pleasant, etc. Well, she told SO on the phone that night that she thought we should just get married already, was proud to have me as part of the family, blah blah blah..
Little did she know, he had already bought the ring, and was about to propose.
WELL, he calls her to tell her about it, and she's still drunk from the night before (not uncommon for this woman) and she's so sloppy drunk she starts saying things like, "That b***h needs to get a f*ckin job instead of sitting on her ass all damn day." , of course referring to me. Which sets me free because SO doesn't want me to work, I stay home and take care of my daughter and niece. I DO NOT sit on my ass (do any of us?!) I cook, I clean, do laundry, run errands, keep the house afloat.
SO was very pissed about those comments, and she continues, "Well ALL women are the same. She's probably f*cking somebody else while you're at work any way. You shouldn't have to worry about a damn woman right now."
Like, really lady? This is NOT the first time she's said something disgusting and accused me of horrendous things, and she's DONE nasty things, too.
Like I said, I've made many posts on here about her before and have been WAYYY more tolerant of her than I think most people would be, but I've f**king had it. excuse my language. I'm done.
She's a trashy woman who drinks so damn much she can't even drive legally, hasn't had a steady job, can't keep one, took her 5 months to come MEET our daughter. She's slept with SO's friends, hell, we were at her house before my daughter was born, and she left to go have sex with some man in a car in the driveway.
I DO NOT want her at my wedding. I've had enough. I refuse to be disrespected by a "woman" who can't take care of her own children and has the balls to criticize our family, who actually FUNCTIONS.
I don't feel I'm being unreasonable...
But, my question is, would you say screw it and let her come to the wedding? or would you stand your ground?



Trouble is, I feel like if I invite her, I couldn't have a cocktail hour at the wedding because she can't be trusted near alcohol. I don't want someone so nasty and hateful and disrespectful to ruin my day.
What would you do?
Advice please?
I'm so drained. I can't handle this stupid woman.
SO wants her to be there cause she's his mother, but COMPLETELY understands my position. He's just as angry as I am with her behavior and things she says.

user banned TTC since Apr 2014; 2 kids; Middelfart, Denmark 15320 posts
4th Feb '13

I wouldn't let her come.



This is your day. You don't need to be stressed about what idiot thing she might do.



Y'all need to stop entertaining her and set rules for her interacting with y'all, if she wants to continue being in your life.

Jane.Doe. Fukushima, Japan 2805 posts
4th Feb '13

I would tell her straight up that you have heard everything she has said about you, that you do not appreciate it and you do not want her to be a part of your special day because of it. I'd also suggest she try to straighten herself out, get some AA help and maybe get a job to keep herself busy if she wants to be a part of her grandkid's life. Because as it stands, you probably don't want her around your kid at all. She sounds like a rancid wh**e. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. But yeh, definitively NO to the wedding. Don't let her know where, don't let her know when and make sure your husband sticks to that as well.

BareFootBabyMaker Due May 30 (boy); 2 kids; Springfield, Missouri 850 posts
4th Feb '13

You're mad that she judges you but, you're judgmental towards her too. Both of you are saying petty things about employment, and being a mother.
I've never had a problem with my in-laws because my life/family is mine and the things they say I just ignore. Just be happy and don't let her words bother you.




She's always gonna be his mom, no other way around it...if he wants her at the wedding then she should come.

Mama Rice 34 kids; North Las Vegas, Nevada 11980 posts
4th Feb '13

Honestly since it is your SOs wedding day too I would let huim make the final decision. I would politely inform the bartender (if you are having a cocktail hour) to not serve her alcohol. But in my experience hard liquor or too much alcohol at a wedding has always ended with someone sloppy drunk and overstepping the line one way or another.



ETA: I speak from experience. My MIL has issues with alcohol (6 DUIs has lead to a permanent loss of her license) and she has had a tendency to say horrible things while drunk. However it was important to my DH his mom be there, but he set strict guidelines. If she drank too much (he told he that it would be his call) than she would be escorted out. We have made our stance on her drinking (in our presence it is not tolerated, anymore than one and we have left before) crystal clear.

✰ Mrs. B ✰ 2 kids; Texas 2640 posts
4th Feb '13

Stand your ground. I wouldn't have her at the wedding, she probably can't be trusted. And you guys need to set boundaries with her, and if she can't respect them, then you need to cut contact with her. You and your fianc

LinzieBoBinzie Due June 26; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Western, NY, United States 4551 posts
status 4th Feb '13

Well, she is his mother and won't be going anywhere for a while. I would definitely confront her about what she said but do not attack her about it and try your hardest not to insult her. Be the bigger person. Name calling doesn't solve anything.



If your SO wants his mom there, she should be there. That's a big day in his life too. I couldn't imagine starting a marriage off with resentment right away over that.



If she has an alcohol problem then maybe you want to consider a total cash bar or even a dry wedding. Sure people with b***h behind your back about it but you need to do what you feel is right for the situation. Or do what someone else said and make sure the bartender doesn't serve her.

K. P. Walsh Due August 5 (girl); Japan 1385 posts
4th Feb '13
Quoting BareFootBabyMaker:" You're mad that she judges you but, you're judgmental towards her too. Both of you are saying petty things ... [snip!] ... bother you. She's always gonna be his mom, no other way around it...if he wants her at the wedding then she should come."

except you dont know half of the things she said and done.
im not judgmental, what i say is the truth. what she says isnt.

Jane.Doe. Fukushima, Japan 2805 posts
4th Feb '13

SO's family has a lot of big drinkers, so we're just doing a champagne toast and then tea & coffee lol Our wedding is a half hour away from where they all live and I won't have any of them driving drunk >.>

K. P. Walsh Due August 5 (girl); Japan 1385 posts
4th Feb '13
Quoting Mama Rice:" Honestly since it is your SOs wedding day too I would let huim make the final decision. I would politely ... [snip!] ... made our stance on her drinking (in our presence it is not tolerated, anymore than one and we have left before) crystal clear."

See, I'm weary of alcohol to begin with..
I liked how my brother's wedding was, a 2 drink maximum and no hard alcohol.
I just am so torn.
In truth, I DO think I want her there simply because she's his mother and he deserves it, but even when my daughter was born, she tried ruining that day, too.
I don't put anything past her.
Im kind of lost.

K. P. Walsh Due August 5 (girl); Japan 1385 posts
4th Feb '13
Quoting Mrs. Reynolds:" SO's family has a lot of big drinkers, so we're just doing a champagne toast and then tea & coffee ... [snip!] ... & coffee lol Our wedding is a half hour away from where they all live and I won't have any of them driving drunk >.>"

That's kind of the situation I feel like I'm in.
SO's dad is quite a drinker too, but I don't think he would get sloppy at our wedding. But his mom, I would HOPE she'd control herself, but I'm not sure she would.
I like the idea of coffee and tea, but at the same time, I feel like, why should we not be able to have a drink on our wedding day just because other people are such lushes...
I don't know.

Mama Rice 34 kids; North Las Vegas, Nevada 11980 posts
4th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting K. P. Walsh:</b>" That's kind of the situation I feel like I'm in. SO's dad is quite a drinker too, but I don't think he ... [snip!] ... like, why should we not be able to have a drink on our wedding day just because other people are such lushes... I don't know."</blockquote>




Well you mentioned a good compromise already.....no hard alcohol, wine and champagne only. 2 drink limit for everyone (not including if you want to have chanpagne or wine for the toast).

✰ Mrs. B ✰ 2 kids; Texas 2640 posts
4th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting K. P. Walsh:</b>" See, I'm weary of alcohol to begin with.. I liked how my brother's wedding was, a 2 drink maximum and ... [snip!] ... it, but even when my daughter was born, she tried ruining that day, too. I don't put anything past her. Im kind of lost. "</blockquote>



I read some of your past posts about her to get a better idea of what you're dealing with.



If I were you, I'd sit & have a serious discussion with SO. Find out how he feels about her...is he tired of her crap too? does he just put up with it "because she's family"? has she always been like this? He might be just as tired of her crap & ready to "call it quits" with her & looking for a reason. I know my own mother & sister were very difficult for me to deal with & drama queens, etc. My DH never said anything to me & I eventually got so fed up with their crazy BS, disrespecting me & the boundaries I made clear, etc. And I finally had the last straw one day & decided on my own (& after family counseling) that enough was enough. I didn't have either of them at my wedding, didn't talk to them, didn't tell them the date, where it would be etc. I still don't talk to them & my life has been a hell of a lot better the past 6 years.



I'm just saying, you might want to bring it up to your SO by mentioning you've noticed his mom seems to cause him so much stress and you wish there was something you could do for him. Maybe offer to go to counseling with him if he's willing to see someone about all he's been through with her in the past in order to help him come to a decision on how he wants his future to be with her & his family & how to handle situations with them if/when they clearly act out & go against his boundaries.

K. P. Walsh Due August 5 (girl); Japan 1385 posts
4th Feb '13
Quoting ✰ Mrs. B ✰:" <blockquote><b>Quoting K. P. Walsh:</b>" See, I'm weary of alcohol to begin with.. ... [snip!] ... to be with her & his family & how to handle situations with them if/when they clearly act out & go against his boundaries."

Totally agree with you.
She's been this way all his life. She didn't really raise him, or any of her other children. She kind of just gave birth and said here ya go, there's the world.
He gets so sick of her nonsense, too, but I feel like he's still a little boy who just wants his mama to care. She's always let him down. He said he's just not going to call her anymore, but always seems to end up doing it. I don't ever tell he can't or shouldn't, because that's his mother, but I have pointed out that EVERY time he talks to her, she makes comments that degrade us and our relationship. She's trying to drive a wedge between us.



He knows she's an alcoholic, and says that's why she said what she said about me. But to me, that's not acceptable. I think he just wants her so badly to change, but he, himself, says quite often that she never will.



He tells me all the time he believes she's jealous. I don't think it's me, I think she would be doing this to whomever he was with. I don't think she'd like any woman. I don't drink, just an occasional glass of wine, I don't party, and I don't believe in being friends with your children (partying, smoking, doing drugs with them, flaunting your sex life in front of them, leaving them to their own devices) and then expecting them to respect you will ever work, which is what she's done to him and her other children their whole life. It's hard for him to respect her even now, or especially now that he has his own. I mean, our parenting style vs hers (or lack thereof) is so night and day that it's hard for her to understand WHY it's not acceptable to let children down, and why what she does can't be tolerated if she wants a relationship at all.. I tried keeping her at an arm's length, and that was okay for a while, but then she drops these bombs that are hard to ignore. I can't be inauthentic or phony. I just can't.



Because I love him so much, I feel very protective of him. I feel like she treats him so badly and really messed him up and it's hard to NOT hold it against her, but I know I shouldn't. It took him years to just trust me because his only female role model wasn't an example. He watched her lie and cheat on his father, get pregnant with 3 other mens' children. So.. I feel protective of him because as a mother myself, I'm appalled.



He gets to angry and stands up for me, yet he still fully expects her to be a mother, but knows full well she'll never act like one. I think he just accepts that she's that way.
I just can't handle the way she puts on a smile, says one thing, then gets drunk and turns around and says horrible, nasty things.
In a perfect world, I'd like him to stand his ground and not allow anyone to disrespect us as a couple and while I know he sees her true colors, I'm not sure he thinks things will or ever will be different.
I'm not sure any of that made any sense. I'm sorry.
I just can't do it.




Sorry that was so long. I needed to vent.