Reply
How to get past the past...? RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13

So if any of you read my previous posts, most of them were about troubles with my fiance including porn and sex related issues. When we were together for about a year and a half, he started acting distant, wouldn't even kiss or hug me, let alone have sex with me, and then I found out he was addicted to porn badly. I was mad, not because of him watching porn (since I used to too), but the fact that our relationship was lacking any intimacy because of it. He swore up and down that he'd stop watching it, that he didn't know how I felt, and that he didn't know he was acting that way towards me . Things started seeming better, although there were moments were I would ask him if he was watching porn because he'd start acting wierd again, but he would say no and I'd trust him.
So when I got pregnant a few months later, I was put on strict bedrest at 16 weeks for going into preterm labor. It drove me crazy not being able to do anything sexual, but I would resist it because I knew that it would be stupidly dangerous.
But because I thought my boyfriend was suffering as well (good god how stupid am I?!), I would get him off all the time because I thought he wasn't watching porn, and that he was as sexually deprived as me. So you know, he'd leave and I'd be all turned on but not allowed to do anything -.-. But I was trying to please him and whatnot. Pft. I feel so stupid for that.
Everytime I think of my pregnancy and him, all I can think of is how for months I'd be laying in bed in pain from contractions and him watching porn and jacking off countless times a day. And not coming to spend time with me because he was "too busy" while I'm in pain with his child that could have come way too early.
Anyways so after my son was born, I moved in with him, and almost immediately he warned me of the elaborate porn searches he had on his playstation and how he didn't know how to delete it so it was still on there. Curious one day, I went and looked at all of it and found one entry that said livejasmin.com. So I was confused and clicked on it, to find a website where (obviously) it was a webcame porn site. I was furious (not to mention I was going through crazy hormones from just having my baby). He got soo incredibly pissed off at me and said he looked it up because it kept popping up when he was looking up porn, but that he never actually did it.
But he still stuck to his word that this porn was way before me and that I was being insecure and needed to trust him.
For a week, I felt like shit and I couldn't understand why. I had the strongest gut feeling I had ever felt in my life, and then I followed it. I went and looked at the search history again and found things that I KNEW he had looked up within the past two months. And I called him out on it, and he admited it.
I was devestated because I never thought he would lie to me, which I know is stupid but I had a lot of faith in him.
But I stayed with him. I wish I hadn't, just because it's been so hard to gain that trust back ya know? I kept thinking he was gonna keep watching porn, but supposebly he hasn't.


So the other day I was messing around on his phone and found that he looked up a porn move on one of his apps (a movie he once watched that was in his playstation history), and I was livid. I asked him why the hell would he look that up, and all he kept saying was he was curious if it was on there. I didn't believe him, and then went through his search history. I didn't see any porn sites, but I found that livejasmine.com again. Which when I found it the first time on his playstation, a buddy of mine said that it pops up when you look up porn (exactly what my fiance said).

Now I am really lost. Our weddings in a month, a fricken month, and we have already spent thousands of dollars on everything. And I'm not excited anymore at all. I don't trust him, and I don't know how I can look past all this crap, it tears me up inside. Anyone have any advice? Please?

lynnsaymarie 17 kids; Buffalo, New York 2011 posts
10th Feb '13

Honestly? I'd rather throw thousands of dollars down the drain than be married to someone I'm not happy with.

Kimmy Gibbler 2 kids; Grapevine, Texas 8039 posts
10th Feb '13

Well you can't get past the past if it's still in the present.... would he go to counseling with you?

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46765 posts
10th Feb '13

If you were okay with the porn as long as the intimacy was there between you two, id come to an agreement with him on it. If he porn itself doesn't bother you,just let it go abd stop being so nosey. Id just tell him that he needs to agree if porn starts effecting your love life again, and he can't hehe honest about it that he will go to counseling with you for it. I think it would be incredibly stupid to destroy a relationship and your child's family over PORN. Hes not being unfaithful, and you love eachother- no?

ILOVEWINE Due April 24; 2 kids; Sweden 10814 posts
10th Feb '13

I would not marry someone I didn't have complete trust in. I would rather be out money than questioning my husbands every move. He is clearly lying and showing his lack of respect for you.

RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" If you were okay with the porn as long as the intimacy was there between you two, id come to an agreement ... [snip!] ... stupid to destroy a relationship and your child's family over PORN. Hes not being unfaithful, and you love eachother- no?"


Hes lied to me consistently about it, LYING is not acceptable for me. Porn, I didn't have a problem with until he did this crap. He loves me, and I love him, except I also have a huge anger towards him that keeps growing.

ILOVEWINE Due April 24; 2 kids; Sweden 10814 posts
10th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting MunchkinWrangler:</b>" If you were okay with the porn as long as the intimacy was there between you two, id come to an agreement ... [snip!] ... stupid to destroy a relationship and your child's family over PORN. Hes not being unfaithful, and you love eachother- no?"</blockquote>




I think it's more about the la l of respect he has for her. If you asked your DH to stop doing something more than once and he contuinally lied and still did it., do you think he really cares how you feel?



Is he open to cousling?

RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting lynnsaymarie:" Honestly? I'd rather throw thousands of dollars down the drain than be married to someone I'm not happy with."

Yeah... :(

RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting ILOVEWINE:" <blockquote><b>Quoting MunchkinWrangler:</b>" If you were okay with the porn as long ... [snip!] ... more than once and he contuinally lied and still did it., do you think he really cares how you feel? Is he open to cousling?"


We tried counseling for a little while, but we weren't really getting anywhere. He just kept saying he stopped watching porn, and was really sincere about it. But then I found that stuff this past week and it really threw me off...

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46765 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting RissaBbyGurl:" Hes lied to me consistently about it, LYING is not acceptable for me. Porn, I didn't have a problem ... [snip!] ... with until he did this crap. He loves me, and I love him, except I also have a huge anger towards him that keeps growing."

I understand that. He's probably lying, though, because you are being so intrusive and he feels like he CAN'T be honest with you. I think you need to have a sit down with him and explain that you DO think porn is fine, but it's the lying you have a problem with and that if he is going to continue to watch porn you will stop snooping with the condition that he will be honest with you, and not let it interfere with your sex life. Masturbating to porn even daily seems like some sort of a sex addiction that he should probably seek counseling for. You shouldn't be dependent on it just to get through the day. KWIM? Maybe speak to him abotu that in a respectful way, without pointing fingers. Do you put out for him often? Is he watching porn more because he isn't getting his needs met as much as he used to?



I don't know how old you two are... but also, as he gets older, his sex drive will slow down. You look very young in your AVI, so I was just trying to consider the circumstances. If you are teenagers he's probably got the sex drive of a rabbit in heat. hah.

RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" I understand that. He's probably lying, though, because you are being so intrusive and he feels like ... [snip!] ... I was just trying to consider the circumstances. If you are teenagers he's probably got the sex drive of a rabbit in heat. hah."


Thing is, he has NO sex drive. I'm the one that initiates it EVERY time. Yeah we are young, and typically young guys have a large sex drive, he has NONE when it comes to having sex with me. I try to sit down and talk about it calmly, and not point fingers, but its just not working.

MunchkinWrangler 4 kids; Rīga, Latvia 46765 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting RissaBbyGurl:" Thing is, he has NO sex drive. I'm the one that initiates it EVERY time. Yeah we are young, and typically ... [snip!] ... it comes to having sex with me. I try to sit down and talk about it calmly, and not point fingers, but its just not working."

There has got to be a reason why he doesn't want to have sex with you.
Has it only been since pregnancy?

RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" There has got to be a reason why he doesn't want to have sex with you. Has it only been since pregnancy?"


No it happened before the pregnancy, a few months before.

Kimmy Gibbler 2 kids; Grapevine, Texas 8039 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting MunchkinWrangler:" There has got to be a reason why he doesn't want to have sex with you. Has it only been since pregnancy?"


Sure, he's getting his needs met elsewhere. There IS such a thing as a porn problem. Not everyone who watches porn has a problem with it just like not everybody who drinks alcohol has a problem with it. It doesn't mean it's not real or that OP is over-reacting. If he doesn't ever want to have sex with his fianc

RissaBbyGurl TTC since Dec 2013; 1 child; 1 angel baby; Arizona 570 posts
10th Feb '13
Quoting Asher's mommy [Expecting :" Sure, he's getting his needs met elsewhere. There IS such a thing as a porn problem. Not everyone who ... [snip!] ... else. From her profile, it looks like they are around 18... there's no reason people that young should have no sex drive. "


We are both 19... Yeah there shouldn't be a reason he doesn't want to have sex with me unless hes getting it somewhere else (like masturbating or cheating, however I highly doubt hes cheating). I don't think a guy can have testosterone problems this young... but idk what else it could be :oops:
He'd rather masturbate than have sex with me