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JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
15th Feb '13
Quoting StinkyPossumLover!:" Why on Earth does my "something is fishy" meter fly off the charts when I see a man posting on baby gaga? ... [snip!] ... AND trust her- then GET OUT OF THE MARRIAGE. The longer you're married the more benefits/money of yours she is entitled to."

"Something is fishy"? Due to my chosen profession, I don't get very much understanding. I need an outlet where I can talk and not have someone that I know judge me. I've never used this site for anything other than a place to vent and find advice. I'm not wired like a stereotypical man. That's both good and bad. I've tried counseling groups, therapy, and other similar outlets. Nothing has been perfect, but at least on here I don't have judgmental faces to look at.



I was always more in tune with female friends from the time that I grew up and I think it had to do with the fact that I grew up with my mother, grandmother and sister. My dad was Navy as well and was deployed ALOT. I think that I've been able to relate to women better than men overall. I tend to be more confrontational with most guys. I do have guy friends, but they are typically wired more like me. I can't stand "meatheads" and those are the ones that I typically end up in fist fights with or butting heads with. I hate the term old fashioned, but that is the most accurate way to describe me.



I think that my wife saw me coming. I hate that I'm a relative novice at relationships and sex in general. I won't be getting any more experience though because everything that has happened has turned me off to it completely. I just want a place to be able to vent without someone judging me.

Mae9406 18 kids; New Brunswick 977 posts
15th Feb '13

I'm sorry your going through this. I'd like to say it'll get better, but my husband's been cheating on me for at least 4 yrs, we've been married 6 yrs. I've known about it for 13 1/2 mths. Day after Christmas. It sucks. It's rough and horrible I'd have done anything for him... I was raising his boys, we had a daughter together and when I found out I was 3 mths pregnant with our 2nd. I tried forgiving but he just saw it as an OK to continue. I didn't want to leave my entire life behind and start new, I didn't want split time with my kids. But I love my kids and the he last straw for me was seeing how confused and hurt my daughter was when daddy'd walk out on weekends and leave all of us behind so he could go f**k his wh**e. I was 8 mths pregnant but I packed us up and moved back with my parents 1200 miles away... He hasn't seen us since and could careless if he did (although he tells friends otherwise- it's just for show). I haven't personally found that it gets easier (at least it hasn't yet for me) but I have grown to full out hate him. I hate him for abandoning and betraying myself and our kids. I hate him for destroying our family. I hate that he made ME make the choice to leave because he refused too and I had to give up my dream job, my home, my local friends, and take my daughter from everything she ever knew. But I did it. I didn't want too, but I did it. Now nearly a year later after leaving I can say I know forsure it was the right thing for us regardless of how much I didn't want too. I find keeping busy with my girls and other distractions are best. My sex drive was completely gone for the longest time too, but it eventually came back. Give it time and a different person that you bond with... I've found a great friend in a family friend. We tried hooking up as a couple but it was much too soon and I panicked even when I tried not too. Therapy alone helps too. It'll allow you someone to vent too and get a better understanding of the situation. Hope your situation changes. Stay strong, ignore others- I lost a lot of "friends" because they just didn't want to deal with the ups and downs someone goes through when they find out their spouse cheated.

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
15th Feb '13
Quoting Mae9406:" I'm sorry your going through this. I'd like to say it'll get better, but my husband's been cheating on ... [snip!] ... because they just didn't want to deal with the ups and downs someone goes through when they find out their spouse cheated."

I really don't believe that I'll ever have sex with anyone ever again. I just don't feel the need or desire to do so. Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. It means alot. I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. I completely understand. It sucks. No two ways about it. IT SUCKS. I'm glad that you have had the ability to move on. The reason that I don't believe that I will is because I never wanted to be with another woman sexually. I believe in one and done. That is the old fashioned part that I'm usually criticized for.



When I told a shipmate about my beliefs, he said that I was still a virgin. He said that if I hadn't been with at least 5 or 6 women, that I was no better than a virgin when it came to experience. THAT is why I don't like to speak to people that I know about my sex life. I get ridiculed for it.



I know that I'm the "weird" one in society because I don't do what the majority does. It just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm pretty picky about my own hygiene let alone a multitude of sex partners to swap bodily fluids with. I'm not knocking others if that floats their boat, it is just not my cup of tea. It grosses me out to think about it. I guess I'm a prude by most people's definition, but I think that sex should be more than just animalistic needs and desires.

Mae9406 18 kids; New Brunswick 977 posts
15th Feb '13

Experience is not everything. I had one bad sexual experience before my husband and he very clearly enjoyed every bit of it. Even after cheating he still claimed it was his best, the cheating wasn't about the sex at all... I don't know if I should believe him or not, BUT that friend I have now had only had sex once before we started dating(or rather attempted it) and he definitely satisifies... I never thought I'd ever marry again either. I had planned on my husband only, but he's forced me to either stop living and fufilling the life I want OR move on and learn from it... I'm broken which is why I'm not ready to date. The guy I have affections for I can't even be with without possibly ruining things farther because my trust and emotional state isn't there but I like him. I like that in someways it's best that we're not "together together" but are still learning about one another even if we're not intimate. I also like that we both know we're compatible sexually so that pressure is off both our shoulders.... I don't know. I just know this past year and then some has me re-evaluating my whole life. I'm 24 and I don't want to be alone forever because my husband decided to leave me for some weird polygomous relationship with another married woman and her husband... I just refuse to be beaten. I need to show my girls that even if it looks hopeless, you can move forward, even if you need to crawl or take baby steps. My oldest is 5 and tells me how strong she thinks I am, and how much I must love her and her sister for doing what I did- she saw the tears and hurt and pain it caused me. I don't want to be moppy or miserable or sad. I want to show my kids how to be happy and go with the punches... That's what's kept me going.

Mae9406 18 kids; New Brunswick 977 posts
15th Feb '13

And on a side note- for the guys teasing and saying that you need at least 5-6 women before "getting it right they clearly must NOT be doing
things right. If you know the woman your with and your comfortable and open with them the sex will ALWAYS be great. Just cause they've had more women doesn't mean all those women or even any of them enjoyed it. ;)After all if the women were enjoying it, why did he go through so many?! :P (Oh and being a b***h is now just common ground since the cheating- I have zero soft spot except for my kids for the most part.).

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
15th Feb '13
Quoting Mae9406:" And on a side note- for the guys teasing and saying that you need at least 5-6 women before "getting ... [snip!] ... and being a b***h is now just common ground since the cheating- I have zero soft spot except for my kids for the most part.)."

I'm glad that I've gotten to chat with you. It's made me feel a little better. At least when you have common ground with someone, you don't feel alone. At least it feels like SOMEONE has at least a clue as to what you are going through. Thank you. This has helped a little bit.

Mae9406 18 kids; New Brunswick 977 posts
16th Feb '13

Glad I could help. If you ever wanna vent or talk don't be afraid to message me... I've found that helps. Having a spouse betray you definitely takes you on a roller coaster of emotions. It's like morning a death. Just take it day by day and try focusing on the things that make you happy. Spend time with your kids, take time to think about what you want from life... Once you figure that out the rest will very slowly start falling into place. Good luck! I hope your able to come to some terms withit like I have. :)

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
16th Feb '13
Quoting Mae9406:" Glad I could help. If you ever wanna vent or talk don't be afraid to message me... I've found that helps. ... [snip!] ... the rest will very slowly start falling into place. Good luck! I hope your able to come to some terms withit like I have. :)"

Thanks. I can tell you that a mistake that I made was that I put both sex and her on a pedestal. I thought sex meant something. It really doesn't. It's not like I plan on being a man wh**e or anything. Sex is not an interest anymore. I just find it ridiculous that people put there own spin on which time that they had it is more important that other times. I used to believe that. Not anymore. I don't want that in my life anymore. In the event that I was ever able to have your strength and move on and change my mind(I doubt it). I'll treat it for what it is, a meaningless and emotionless physical act. That's what my wife thinks it is. It means nothing.

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
16th Feb '13
Quoting JohnSilverSmith:" Thanks. I can tell you that a mistake that I made was that I put both sex and her on a pedestal. I thought ... [snip!] ... I'll treat it for what it is, a meaningless and emotionless physical act. That's what my wife thinks it is. It means nothing."


I think you need to see a doctor you are obviously depressed about everything and it would do you go to be put on some meds. As for the whole sex not meaning anything stuff. Well That is true and it is not true. When you are with some one that does not love or respect you or you don't love or respect then it doesn't mean anything. But when you are with some one you love ad respect and that loves and respects you sex does become much more than a physical act. It sounds like you are ready to completely throw in the towel when it comes to life in general or being happy because of one shitty experience. It isn't worth it dude. My x beat me, blinded me in one eye, took my DD and went in to hiding for 2 weeks when she was a baby, tried to have me committed ect. I have been homeless with two kids and been bullied and abused by almost everyone that claimed they loved me. But I am still here going stronger than ever. When you let one thing ruin your life you are letting the people that hurt you win. Is that what you want to teach your kids? when life gets hard give up? Of course not. You want them to be happy and you want them to believe there is reason for hope when things look the bleakest. But you have to set that example for them but being bigger than this and trying to find some happiness again. Maybe not right away but eventually and the sooner the better.

Mae9406 18 kids; New Brunswick 977 posts
16th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting 1inpink2inblue:</b>" I think you need to see a doctor you are obviously depressed about everything and it would do you go ... [snip!] ... being bigger than this and trying to find some happiness again. Maybe not right away but eventually and the sooner the better."</blockquote>




Agree! And sex is whatever you and the person you're with make it out to be- if you want it to be meaningless it will be, if you want it to be special and intimate.

KissMeFinnNelson<3 1 child; 2 angel babies; Glasgow, Scotland, UK, United Kingdom 5359 posts
16th Feb '13

I would agree with other posts about depression. I have seen various posts of yours over the last few months and your situation does not seem to have improved at all and it's clear it isn't going to. The best thing is to file for divorce, seperate, give the children the chance of actually growing up in a happy and healthy environment and seek help for your depression. Good luck.

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
16th Feb '13
Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" I think you need to see a doctor you are obviously depressed about everything and it would do you go ... [snip!] ... being bigger than this and trying to find some happiness again. Maybe not right away but eventually and the sooner the better."

I won't do meds. Not even interested. I have injuries from my deployments that would require vicodin or some other pain killer. I've turned them all down. I've seen too many guys end up addicted or worse. I know a bunch of guys on ambien and other similar drugs. I'm just not interested. Besides, if I took anything like ambien, it is submarine disqualifying. It would effectively end my submarine career. Most drugs that are prescribed for pain or depression are disqualifying for most military fields.

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
16th Feb '13
Quoting xTJ:" I would agree with other posts about depression. I have seen various posts of yours over the last few ... [snip!] ... the children the chance of actually growing up in a happy and healthy environment and seek help for your depression. Good luck."

I agree with you all on the separation thing....to a degree. I want to be able to see my kids. If I get divorced, I'll never see them. I have to go back to a sea billet soon in the next year and she would get custody and I'd never see them at all. They are the ONLY reason that I haven't completely lost my shit. Just 5 minutes with them helps my day go a little bit better. They can be rambunctious and irritating at times, but I know that this has been caused by this situation. If I lost my kids, I wouldn't have a reason to be here anymore. They're all I have left.

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
16th Feb '13
Quoting Mae9406:" <blockquote><b>Quoting 1inpink2inblue:</b>" I think you need to see a doctor you are ... [snip!] ... person you're with make it out to be- if you want it to be meaningless it will be, if you want it to be special and intimate."

I used to believe that. I don't anymore. Sex should either mean everything or nothing. I can't imagine having sex with someone that I didn't love. So if I had sex with someone that I didn't love then it means nothing. I can't except that. So if that is the case, then it means nothing all the time. It is not a emotional act, it is just a physical one. I'm not trying to down play how you feel or what you believe, this is what I now believe. What she did wasn't a one time thing, by the way. I just happened to walk in on it the one time. I had my suspicions before, and after running those to ground I now know that she had done it before with god knows how many guys.

JohnSilverSmith TTC since Dec 2011; 3 kids; Groton, Connecticut 465 posts
16th Feb '13
Quoting xTJ:" I would agree with other posts about depression. I have seen various posts of yours over the last few ... [snip!] ... the children the chance of actually growing up in a happy and healthy environment and seek help for your depression. Good luck."

If I were close to retirement from the Navy, this wouldn't be as hard a decision as it is. I'm not close to retirement yet. I have too much time left before I can even think about that end game. If I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, it would help things a bit. This has just been one long shitty experience.