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Need advice - my boyfriend is younger than me. C410 ; 1 angel baby; California 314 posts
16th Feb '13

Honestly, I don't believe that age should really deter you from marrying your love. However, it does seem it's really impacting me right now.



My boyfriend is younger than me by 3 years, he's 24, I'm 27. We've been together for 1 year, and when I first met him, I was working full-time, out of college already however transitioning careers. He was working part-time (20-30 hours) and started to go back to school.



Fast forward a year later... I was fortunate enough to transition into a career that I see fit and can advance (I've gotten two raises the past 1 year alone), and making "OK" money. I'm working full-time and a part-time freelance job (so a week is about 50 hours or so) I can see my career advancing and am already looking for jobs in the field. My boyfriend has been fired twice the past year, the first job he's been at for 2 years but he wasn't going to school or anything just working 20-30 hours a week. He admitted it was his fault, the second time he got fired after working for 1.5 months). He just got a job but he only works 10-16 hours a week. On top of that, he's finishing his 1st year of community college (he plans to transfer next year).



We want to get married in 2 1/2 years (I'll be 29, he'll be 26) but given our financial situation, it really seems not that wise to. He plans to work at this part-time job for a year so he can gain experience to move up, but given from what we've experienced together, I'm afraid that he will get fired or won't be able to hold down a good job. His family situation is pretty bad, his dad has always been in and out of jobs while his mom is the one who has been the breadwinner. They're pretty much separated and there isn't much love in his family. My family is loving and such, accepts him and welcomes him into my household. However, it's not as warm when I go to his house, unfortunately.



I'm afraid to break up with him as it seems so shallow but he doesn't know I have depression/anxiety so these problems seem to amplify. After reviewing everything, he doesn't seem to be ambitious and I'm truly afraid that our relationship would turn out to be like his parents (his dad hardly wants to work and his mom working 60 hours a week!). I just want a partner who is able to pull his own weight and still love me, I'm not asking for materialistic things, etc. I'm very afraid that when I break up, my depression is going to come back (every time a break up occurs, my episodes of depression comes back) and I'm afraid that someone won't accept me for my depression. I want to see if any of my reasoning is justified?



Any thoughts would be helpful.

Ellie Goulding 1 child; London, --, United Kingdom 4766 posts
status 16th Feb '13

Honestly, I'm a hopeless romantic, but i dont think things like money should be a factor in love.



follow your heart. if you love him and want to be with him forever, things will fall into place.

user banned 2 kids; Silly, Belgium 6539 posts
16th Feb '13

I don't think age is the issue at all. I think the issues would be the same if he were your own age or older. With that being said, you shouldn't let him hold you back. You shouldn't worry about not being able to find someone else because you'll be depressed. Also you said "when I breakup" and not "if I breakup". To me, it looks like you've already made the decision. A year isn't long at all and it sounds like you need someone more on your level, maturity and career wise, regardless of age.

B,K,L,&T! 2 kids; 2 angel babies; Michigan 1094 posts
16th Feb '13

Love trumps all faults. It does not sound like you love him. With that being said, you should let him go. You're not doing him any favors by staying if you don't want to be with him. Good luck, OP.

~*Lette*~ 50 kids; Kailua, Hawaii 710 posts
16th Feb '13

You need to sit down and have a completely open and honest long talk with him about your worries. And your depression and anxiety needs to be put out there on the table. Don't hide it. It'll make for problems later on.
Money shouldn't be a problem. If you think he's immature or irresponsible, though, that could be a problem. I had a b/f for 6 years that I wanted to marry. He was 5 years older than me and yet was a dipshit about jobs. Age doesn't matter, maturity and responsibility does.

Soon 2B Mom of 2 2 kids; North Highlands, California 3785 posts
16th Feb '13

If your considering leaving him for job reasons, than you shouldnt be talking about getting married yet. You need to talk about job, parenting, living, ect, expectaions before even considering marriage. Honestly if you would consider leaving him over that, I dont think you love him enough to marry him anyways.

Momma Fergie Due August 10; Mississippi 289 posts
16th Feb '13

My husband and I dated for 10 years before we got married. Don't rush it.
He wanted to get married early on too, but I gave him some conditions. 1. He had to graduate from.college, 2. Had to be out of debt except for school loan, 3. Had to get me a ring to show he was serious
I don't think it was too much to ask if he really wanted to marry me and be serious then needed to follow through with other commitments.



P.S. It took 10 years, but they were worth it... he crossed every item off my list :)

applelove 1 child; auburn, CA, United States 6529 posts
16th Feb '13

OK I don;t think your issue is age. I think your issue is you have different personality types. He is less motivated than you and less goal and career oriented than you. Sounds like you are a hard worker and he is a type who just does the minimum. I don't think this has to do with him being young and you are old. I would bet that in 5 years you will be the same type of woman, working hard moving forward in a career. If you choose to be a stay at home mom I am wiling to bet you will be the type who spends time dong things like class mom or starting a job from home. You are a hard worker who is driven to succeed and make more of your life. I would bet in 5 years he will still be struggling to move up in jobs. He will be the one who gets laid off first because he is not as hard of a worker. He will be dropping classes often because he will be missing school and things like that... Now I don't want to bash him.( I don't know him or you). But from what I have read he is the type who is happy just getting by.And you are the type who is happy always doing something above and beyond what is expected of you. If I am right about the two of you then I don't think either of you will change with age. This is the type of people you are. BUT opposites often attract and if you love him then maybe it could work.



My SO is the more motivated of the two of us and it works good for us.

lolajessup 3 kids; 1 angel baby; Beaverton, Michigan 44076 posts
17th Feb '13

This sounds exactly like my friend. She works 2 jobs good and her husband can't seem to keep one. She is done with college and he can't ever commit to college/trade school. It's almost like he's happy just letting her work her ass off while he works PT and gets to go hunting and spend her money on new hunting stuff they can't afford. He's very immature and she's like overly mature. She wants kids cause she's pushing 30, but he's not quite 25. While the thought of kids is good for him, he doesn't have the maturity for them. Honestly it would be awful if they had kids. I don't want to see you get into this type of situation. She's alway stressed. He takes advantage of her. He knows how to suck up I her when she's upset. They bought a house and had some $ left over from the house they sold and he somehow spent all of it she found out when she went to go pay for her masters class and had no $. While love is important, these can be factors that deter love. Just things to think about.

Robbie104 2 kids; Florida 28 posts
18th Feb '13
Quoting C410:"My boyfriend has been fired twice the past year, the first job he's been at for 2 years but he wasn't going to school or anything just working 20-30 hours a week. He admitted it was his fault, the second time he got fired after working for 1.5 months). He just got a job but he only works 10-16 hours a week.

We want to get married in 2 1/2 years (I'll be 29, he'll be 26) but given our financial situation, it really seems not that wise to. He plans to work at this part-time job for a year so he can gain experience to move up, but given from what we've experienced together, I'm afraid that he will get fired or won't be able to hold down a good job. His family situation is pretty bad, his dad has always been in and out of jobs while his mom is the one who has been the breadwinner."


In my experience, there is always a reason that a younger guy wants an older woman. Forget Oprah and the recent fad in chasing younger guys. It's a con job. If a man has it all together, he has no problem finding women his own age or younger, and does so. The truth is, if a man looks for a woman older than he is, he is looking for one of two things, or both at the same time. #1, easy sex. Like it or not, men do believe that an older woman is easier. It doesn't have to be true, but it is what they believe. The code words for this are, "She knows what she wants." Or, "Older women don't play games like younger women do."



Second, they are attracted to the fact that she is established. This allows him to make up for the fact that he is not, or will never be established.



You have a choice to make. You already know what he is like, and you can see that there is family history there. If I were you, I would drop the zero and find a hero. You KNOW this is how it is going to be.. No matter how much advice you get ont he internet, he isn't going to change. In fact, he has this in his genes. He sees this as right and normal because mom and dad did it. Further, the families see it. His family is warmer to you because they see themselves in you two. In fact, they are happy their son found a good stable woman to take care of him. Your family is polite but cool because they see the same thing, and they privately hope you come to your sense. They are doing the thing parents do where they don't tell you they disapprove for fear that this will just drive you two closer together. But they hope you break up before kids come into the picture, if they aren't already part of the picture.



Look for guys a bit older. Heck, I would prefer a guy 10-15 years older if he has his head on straight. Young and cute only lasts for so long if he is a loser.

snglemama 4 kids; Georgia 11978 posts
18th Feb '13
uhQuoting VeggieBurglar:" Honestly, I'm a hopeless romantic, but i dont think things like money should be a factor in love. follow your heart. if you love him and want to be with him forever, things will fall into place."


huh? the fact that he can't grow up, or hold down a job means nothing?



or, the fact that she is planning to marry someone she can't confide in that she has depression/anxiety issues? THAT is an even bigger issue.



money is an issue in relationships. Maybe not the monetary amount... but the drive, ability, and initiative to earn it all effect relationships.