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HELP! Ex BD sending a letter user banned
18th Feb '13

My ex husband gave up my two eldest daughters for adoption to my husband awhile back. He has never contacted them even once in the past five years.



He and I are still friends and he texts me on a daily basis. Yesterday he asked for my address because he wants to write my eldest a letter. When he voluntarily terminated his rights, we agreed that at DHs and my discretion he could have contact with the girls.



My daughters are 5&1/2 and almost 7. When, and if (he has said he was sending gifts and letters in the past but never did) the letter arrives, should I allow my eldest to read it, or should I hold onto the letter for her until she is a little older and more mature?



He asked me if I wante to know what the letter said. I haven't responded to that question yet. I can certainly look over the letter before having her read it...
I just don't know what to do. When the adoption process began over a year ago, Brielle was very excited because she loves her Daddy (my DH) and wanted his last name. But she also cried because she was sad that her old Daddy didn't want her. I of course explained that this wasnt exactly the case, but at her age, these things are confusing and painful



Help please!

Elle With FOUR! 4 kids; Wichita, KS, United States 18964 posts
18th Feb '13

I'd read the letter and decide whether she can have it now or later based on the contents of it. It may ease the pains she's feeling to see it, and at the same time, if you hold on to it, she may be angry with you later for barring communication.

Subtle As A Hurricane 2 kids; Texas 4132 posts
18th Feb '13

I would read the letter, then decide if she could read it now or later.

Ladee+Grant+Lilly 2 kids; Tallahassee, FL, United States 21162 posts
18th Feb '13

If she's finally coming to terms with the adoption, I would probably read the letter and make sure it didn't say anything inflammatory before I gave it to her. If it did, I'd hang onto it until she could understand a little better.

tonys_mama(army wife) Due August 2; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Fort Irwin, California 15565 posts
status 18th Feb '13

I would ask him what he wanted to tell them in the letter. I would also ask DH what he thinks about it. If you two decide together that's it's fine and won't cause her/them any harm then I would give it to them if not keep them until they are older.

user banned Des Moines, Iowa 1848 posts
18th Feb '13

I'm sure it doesn't say anything bad, I'm just worried she is too young to deal with all of this stuff now.



Also, my DH is at a much of a loss as myself, and we just don't know what is right.

Good Queen Bess 2 kids; Ontario 47159 posts
status 18th Feb '13

I think she is far too young for something like this. Especially if she is already conflicted and feeling rejected by her biological father.



Is there a reason why you went with a step-parent adoption and not just a name change especially if the children had a relationship with the biological father?

MommaNoodle 2 kids; Pennsylvania 13115 posts
18th Feb '13

personally, i would say no to him. or if he really wanted to do it, i'd take it, but i wouldn't give it to her. i think it's super confusing, and it doesn't seem like him contacting them has anything to do with their best interest, since he already gave them up and hasn't had any contact with them. i would just move on. if they wanted to talk to him later on when they get older, that's their choice.

user banned California 36390 posts
18th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting speaktruth2powr:</b>" I think she is far too young for something like this. Especially if she is already conflicted and feeling ... [snip!] ... a step-parent adoption and not just a name change especially if the children had a relationship with the biological father?"</blockquote>




You consider no contact.in five years a relationship?

loser mom Due June 24 (twins); 2 kids; 1 angel baby; Oslo, Norway, ,,, Europe 11480 posts
status 18th Feb '13

I'm sorry, but I have to ask... why is your ex-husband texting you every day? IDK, the whole situation just sounds weird.

tonys_mama(army wife) Due August 2; 4 kids; 1 angel baby; Fort Irwin, California 15565 posts
status 18th Feb '13

Why does the ex txt you daily but not have anything to do with the kids?

Username_____ 2 kids; Las Vegas, Nevada 9722 posts
18th Feb '13

I would encourage him to contact her. I wouldn't read the letter unless she wanted me too. It's her biological father, that's a part of her whether he's been there or not.

Good Queen Bess 2 kids; Ontario 47159 posts
status 18th Feb '13
Quoting Jude ♥ JGL:" <blockquote><b>Quoting speaktruth2powr:</b>" I think she is far too young for something ... [snip!] ... had a relationship with the biological father?"</blockquote> You consider no contact.in five years a relationship?"


Sorry, I saw the part where the ex and her text and talk everyday.....

S U Z I E 3 kids; Venezuela 18566 posts
18th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting loser mom:</b>" I'm sorry, but I have to ask... why is your ex-husband texting you every day? IDK, the whole situation just sounds weird. "</blockquote>




This!

user banned California 36390 posts
18th Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting speaktruth2powr:</b>" Sorry, I saw the part where the ex and her text and talk everyday....."</blockquote>




Yeah that part is a little confusing and weird....