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Mrs. Sherwood *16Weeks* Due January 15; Mesa, AZ, United States 3731 posts
status 21st Feb '13
Quoting 624582:" First off, I'd be annoyed that he cut me off. :? I guess it would depend, do you truly want to get married? ... [snip!] ... never being his wife. I wouldn't be okay for just settling for his last name, I don't even understand the logic behind that."


I agree, I'd be extremely hurt. Luckily DH wanted our marriage just as much as I did and the commitment behind a marriage is very important to both of us.
I feel like a name change is basically him saying "I don't want to commit, but I don't want you to complain, so change your name and we'll pretend". I can't find another logical explanation as to why he'd say "go ahead and change your name, but I don't want to get married".
OP-It might be time to reassess what you want, and what he wants. If it were me, I'd explain how important marriage is and that if he's seriously committed to the relationship for the rest of your lives, there should be no issue with getting married.

Mrs. Sherwood *16Weeks* Due January 15; Mesa, AZ, United States 3731 posts
status 21st Feb '13
Quoting Not tellin:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" ... [snip!] ... marriage is incredibly rare to begin with, non married couples fit the same category only less make it past the 5 year mark."

:!::!:
There are many studies that show that married couples will work through hard times as opposed to couples that are unmarried, as well as studies that show that marriages are statistically considerably more likely to last than relationships where the people are "committed", but unmarried.
To me, marriage is an important institution. It may not be for everyone but IMO, if it's important to your SO, it should be important to you as well (or vice versa).

Ryloonjimama Australia 18851 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" ... [snip!] ... marriage is incredibly rare to begin with, non married couples fit the same category only less make it past the 5 year mark."</blockquote>




I don't care about the cost of divorce, I was just saying what it was, which basically is an expensive break-up... If marriage was more sacred than just a committed relationship can be, then divorce wouldn't exist, IMO. It really depends on the people honestly & the right people who are committed to each other will fight t stay together through the good and the bad, married or not.



I've personally just never wanted to get married because I don't see the point. I don't believe that you need a piece of paper to tell someone you want to be with them forever. My SO wanted to get married but doesn't go on and on about it like a woman would because he understands that I am committed to him, regardless of whether we wear rings or not. I had his children, I WANTED to have his children and here we still are, climbing every mountain, jumping every hurdle. Like I said in my first post in here, we've just celebrated 7 years together & lived together as any married couple would as a committed couple since 3ish months into the relationship.

Ryloonjimama Australia 18851 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:</b>" I agree, I'd be extremely hurt. Luckily DH wanted our marriage just as much as I did and the commitment ... [snip!] ... that if he's seriously committed to the relationship for the rest of your lives, there should be no issue with getting married."</blockquote>




I think this kind of advice to "re-evaluate" the situation when you don't get your own way (I.e: leave if he doesn't want to get married) is so hypocritical for someone who claims to have strong values when it comes to commitment.



This is just generalised and not specifically aimed at just you, because you aren't the only one who says that shit.

Destinite 1 child; 2 angel babies; Paradise, FL, United States 31319 posts
status 21st Feb '13

Marriage isn't just a name change. It is a commitment, it is a legal connection so that you BOTH have rights.
If he doesn't want what you want then I suggest calling is quits. Why waste anymore time on the wrong person?

Dr. Elliot Reid ; 1 child; New Zealand 8930 posts
21st Feb '13

Wait wait, so if your relationship is healthy, fulfilling, and satisfying in every aspect, and you both mutually agree on everything except marriage, ie you want to get married but he never does, you should call it quits? That just seems stupid to me.

Ryloonjimama Australia 18851 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Elliot Reid:</b>" Wait wait, so if your relationship is healthy, fulfilling, and satisfying in every aspect, and you both ... [snip!] ... except marriage, ie you want to get married but he never does, you should call it quits? That just seems stupid to me."</blockquote>




You're not the only one. It's absolutely ridiculous to me, too.



These women talking about what commitment means, but then encouraging people to break up with their partner for no GOOD reason... Hypocrites, I tell you... If you notice though when I brang that up 12 hours ago, nobody wanted to carry on with this conversation anymore. :lol:

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55983 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Elliot Reid:</b>" Wait wait, so if your relationship is healthy, ... [snip!] ... you... If you notice though when I brang that up 12 hours ago, nobody wanted to carry on with this conversation anymore. :lol:"</blockquote>




I went to bed. Since I am back I will address it.



It isn't hypocritical. If it is something she is passionate about and he doesn't see himself on the page, it does require an evaluation of the relationship. It is the same if one partner wanted kids and the other didn't. Should either one cave just to make the other happy making themselves miserable? What sense does that make?



For you to question her morals only makes you look like an ass. I am sure you didn't consider that marriage might be something important to her and something she doesn't want to sacrifice. It is a call for her. If other women would walk because marriage isn't an option doesn't make them less moral than it does you for living together not married and having children. All by YOUR choice.

Not tellin 3 kids; Montana 55983 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" ... [snip!] ... 7 years together & lived together as any married couple would as a committed couple since 3ish months into the relationship."</blockquote>




It isn't the piece of paper. It is sad that is how you view a marriage. My marriage is more than a piece of paper. It is a commitment we made to each other in front of our loved ones in a beautiful church on an amazingly special day. I still remember his words to me on that day 8 years ago. I remember his proposal nearly 10 years ago. To a person who believes in the sanctity of marriage, the commitment of the marriage is worth more than any piece of paper even if it is dusted in gold!



You can call it an expensive break up if you like. It is difficult to attain not just because of the cost if a divorce but, the majority of couples who get married for the right reasons (I am not talking about a quick rushed court house wedding with the intention of a "real one" later crap because those rarely last), believe in that commitment.



It is really sad that you are so jaded on marriage. I wonder if you are the heckler at weddings or if you are able to genuinely share in a couples happiness and understand how much that day means to them. It isn't the wedding, it is the start of the rest of their lives as one. Their marriage.

624582 Neilton, Washington 9312 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting Elliot Reid:" Wait wait, so if your relationship is healthy, fulfilling, and satisfying in every aspect, and you both ... [snip!] ... except marriage, ie you want to get married but he never does, you should call it quits? That just seems stupid to me."

It is ridiculous, but there are some women who feel that they have to get married and will nag for years. Which will either land them married and unhappy or the couple will split up.



So, OP, how important is marriage to you?

KissMeFinnNelson<3 1 child; 2 angel babies; Glasgow, Scotland, UK, United Kingdom 5359 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" ... [snip!] ... how much that day means to them. It isn't the wedding, it is the start of the rest of their lives as one. Their marriage."</blockquote>




So you think because your Marriage was in a big Church, in front of your big family, on a big beautiful day that proves your commitment but yet those people who get Married in a Courthouse, perhaps in front of just a few people, perhaps in not so expensive attire are unlikely to last? So basically you place the value of your entire Marriage and the commitment solely on the materialistics of the actual Wedding day yet here you are lecturing people on the sanctity of Marriage and what it takes to make a relationship work and last?........... Yeeeeeaaaah that's real cute, good luck hon :)

Mrs. Sherwood *16Weeks* Due January 15; Mesa, AZ, United States 3731 posts
status 21st Feb '13
Quoting Not tellin:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" ... [snip!] ... how much that day means to them. It isn't the wedding, it is the start of the rest of their lives as one. Their marriage."


I agree, marriage is an important institution. It is more important to some, but IMO it is an important institution to families and society in general. DH & I have what is referred to as a Covenant Marriage, which is only available in certain states. We had a beautiful ceremony and reception at the Hotel Del in California (where legal Covenant Marriage's aren't offered), and converted it into a Covenant Marriage in AZ, our home state. Basically, we are dedicated to working through anything, and we were required to sign an affidavit stating that we understood that we had to attend 2 years of counseling if we ever decided to divorce. We are committed to staying married for the rest of our lives, regardless of what a "piece of paper" states (as so many anti-marriage women like to call it).
Our Marriage simply reinforces our beliefs that we are committed forever. We are in it for life and I am proud to say that, and to be his wife, not just his girlfriend. Our marriage is not an expensive break-up, it's a promise - legally and intimately.
Marriage is also about sacrifice and compatibility. DH & I wouldn't be as happy if one of us didn't want to be married. It's important to many people, and for good reason. OP is completely justified in her feelings. I hope her and her SO are able to work it out but if not, she's entitled to want a man who wants to commit to her for the rest of their lives.

Ryloonjimama Australia 18851 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting Not tellin:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" ... [snip!] ... how much that day means to them. It isn't the wedding, it is the start of the rest of their lives as one. Their marriage."


I'm happy for people who get married. I just don't think their relationship is any more committed than mine. Our lives together started 7 years ago & we didn't need a "big beautiful day" to prove that to anyone.

Ryloonjimama Australia 18851 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting xTJ:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Not tellin:</b>" <blockquote><b>Quoting Ryloonjimama:</b>" ... [snip!] ... of Marriage and what it takes to make a relationship work and last?........... Yeeeeeaaaah that's real cute, good luck hon :)"


:!: Exactly what I was thinking... I'm a horrible person for saying that marriage isn't that important but she thinks marriage is only special when you have a big day with all the trimmings to prove how committed you are... and courthouse marriages are just a fake. Makes perfect sense.



Hypocrisy at it's best. :lol:

Ryloonjimama Australia 18851 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting Mrs. Sherwood:" I agree, marriage is an important institution. It is more important to some, but IMO it is an important ... [snip!] ... her SO are able to work it out but if not, she's entitled to want a man who wants to commit to her for the rest of their lives."


This is just what I don't understand. Who are you or anyone else to say that he doesn't want to commit to her for life just because marriage isn't important to him?