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Is this normal? Need advice. hiljoys Michigan 83 posts
21st Feb '13

Hi ladies - I am new here.. I'm moving over from the Bump... I just don't like the atmosphere over there, so I'm really hoping this is better :)



Anyway -



I have been married a little over one year and have a 9 month old son. My husband and I have a good relationship (been together a total of 3.5 years) - it was better before the baby was born, but we're stressed a lot and have zero to little time with each other - unless my mom watches the baby for a couple hours. We do have sex usually once a week, sometimes once every two weeks, if we don't catch a break.



I guess I'm really confused, because this issue stems back to the very beginning of our relationship - I was on his computer and snooped (I know - bad.) But I did, and I found him looking at a ridiculous amount of porn. Like every single day after I went to bed. The most disturbing to me was that a lot of it was "Teen" porn - (He claimed they were 18 and over and were far from being "teens") I brought it up, and he made me feel wrong for being upset and it blew over, but I never forgot and I still can't get past it. I'm sure this is because he is quite a few years older than me, and it made me feel gross that he was looking at younger. Am I not enough? I mean, really?



So, it kept happening - even throughout my pregnancy. I would fall asleep on the couch and wake up to him looking at porn right NEXT to me (not always teen porn). Ugh. I was disgusted, but I kept blowing it off.. and it kept happening.. several times, actually. I brought it back up again - he told me it wouldn't happen again. I told him how it made me feel, and that maybe it's an insecurity of mine, etc. But I've never ever liked the idea of porn, and I don't like when my guy watches is when I am VERY willing to have sex with him.



It was fine for the last few months - until he started staying up later than usual, way after I'd go to bed. I got curious, and sure enough - he's back looking at it. Just not letting me catch him anymore. I haven't said anything. I'm just tired of it, and feel gross and unwanted.
Am I wrong for feeling that way? I know porn is normal for men and women to watch periodically.. but it just doesn't seem right to me.
What would you do in this situation? Sorry for the very long, crazy first post!
Thanks for reading..

Crystal 3 kids; Hephzibah, Georgia 15558 posts
21st Feb '13

Porn is completely fine and healthy is most situations. A lot of times people want to get one off really quick, without having to satisfy another person and need a little visual stimulation. Nothing wrong with that.




However, if it's affecting your relationship, that's when it begins to become a problem. Does he refuse you when you want sex? Or does he just do this at times you're sleeping, to have a little alone time. It could be an issue, but I think your insecurities are playing a part in this too.

hiljoys Michigan 83 posts
21st Feb '13

Thanks for replying -



I try to come on to him more, because we don't have sex a lot anymore. (before the baby, it was much better - and maybe I'm just sad that it's not like that anymore) and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's not bad by any means, but I would like it more and I think he would too.



I do agree that my insecurities are eating me alive, especially with this. I don't know why I do this to him or myself, but I just can't move on from it. I know porn is normal and everything, but I just wish it were me instead of the porn when he watches it. I know, selfish.



I guess I'm upset/bothered by many things all together. He rarely helps out with the baby during the week (I stay at home) and I think he thinks the baby is my job. We've talked about this too, but he says that's not the case and that I need to ASK him for help. Really? He used to help in the very beginning. I just don't understand men, I guess.. haha.. I just feel alone here all day, and I get zero alone time too, so maybe I resent him when he stays up late and watches porn? Ugh. I don't know. It'll work itself out, I guess.

hiljoys Michigan 83 posts
21st Feb '13

Thanks for replying -



I try to come on to him more, because we don't have sex a lot anymore. (before the baby, it was much better - and maybe I'm just sad that it's not like that anymore) and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's not bad by any means, but I would like it more and I think he would too.



I do agree that my insecurities are eating me alive, especially with this. I don't know why I do this to him or myself, but I just can't move on from it. I know porn is normal and everything, but I just wish it were me instead of the porn when he watches it. I know, selfish.



I guess I'm upset/bothered by many things all together. He rarely helps out with the baby during the week (I stay at home) and I think he thinks the baby is my job. We've talked about this too, but he says that's not the case and that I need to ASK him for help. Really? He used to help in the very beginning. I just don't understand men, I guess.. haha.. I just feel alone here all day, and I get zero alone time too, so maybe I resent him when he stays up late and watches porn? Ugh. I don't know. It'll work itself out, I guess.

Juggernog-aholic 4 kids; 2 angel babies; P, AR, United States 20209 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" Porn is completely fine and healthy is most situations. A lot of times people want to get one off really ... [snip!] ... sleeping, to have a little alone time. It could be an issue, but I think your insecurities are playing a part in this too."


:!: this completely

Crystal 3 kids; Hephzibah, Georgia 15558 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting hiljoys:" Thanks for replying - I try to come on to him more, because we don't have sex a lot anymore. (before ... [snip!] ... time too, so maybe I resent him when he stays up late and watches porn? Ugh. I don't know. It'll work itself out, I guess."

Yeah it sounds as if it's more than just the porn, but it's easier to be upset with the porn than everything else. I think the 2 of you need to sit down and have a mature, serious conversation. Let him know that you feel it's unfair that he needs to be asked to help out. That's a little unrealistic. He needs to learn cues. if you're cooking dinner and LO needs some assistance, he shouldn't have to be asked to help out. Little things like that can go a LONG way in a relationship. Trying to spend a little more alone time together could also help.



But don't let the porn make you feel bad about yourself, or make you feel like you're not enough. Those ladies get paid to look that happy. They're a fantasy, not a reality. He comes back to you every single day, you're the one he loves.

LayLu (girl); 17 kids; Virginia 4007 posts
21st Feb '13

Personally, I think porn is perfectly healthy unless it's really affecting your relationship. It's not that you're not enough for him, he just wants to "get one" real quick to satisfy himself and, like the poster before me said, just needs some visual stimulation. Sorry if this is too personal, but have you ever played with yourself? I don't know about you, but when I do I get off a lot easier and faster.. sometimes I'd rather just do it myself than have actual sex. I know I've heard from several people that this is the case for them, so it could very easily be the case for him as well. My SO looks at porn and I really don't have a problem with it because I know when I want to get some from him, I can. Once he starts turning me down, though.. that's when it becomes a problem.

hiljoys Michigan 83 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" Yeah it sounds as if it's more than just the porn, but it's easier to be upset with the porn than everything ... [snip!] ... get paid to look that happy. They're a fantasy, not a reality. He comes back to you every single day, you're the one he loves."


Thank you, that actually makes me feel better. I should be happy that it isn't something worse.
I think I should probably work on me, then. I know (and he knows) I feel bad about myself a lot.. maybe I need a new outfit or my hair done or something, haha.

Crystal 3 kids; Hephzibah, Georgia 15558 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting hiljoys:" Thank you, that actually makes me feel better. I should be happy that it isn't something worse. I think ... [snip!] ... me, then. I know (and he knows) I feel bad about myself a lot.. maybe I need a new outfit or my hair done or something, haha. "

I think those things could help a lot, but don't ever settle for being unhappy because it could be something worse, either. Just remember, this is something that can and should be worked on, by both of you. Things will never get better unless you try, and good luck!

hiljoys Michigan 83 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting LayLu:" Personally, I think porn is perfectly healthy unless it's really affecting your relationship. It's not ... [snip!] ... I know when I want to get some from him, I can. Once he starts turning me down, though.. that's when it becomes a problem."


No, I rarely play with myself. I used to, but not so much anymore. Maybe that's the issue? I don't get the easiness of it anymore? I don't know. Maybe I should try more. Maybe I should get a couple sex toys and spice things up.. could be he's bored.

LayLu (girl); 17 kids; Virginia 4007 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting hiljoys:" No, I rarely play with myself. I used to, but not so much anymore. Maybe that's the issue? I don't get ... [snip!] ... I don't know. Maybe I should try more. Maybe I should get a couple sex toys and spice things up.. could be he's bored. "


Yeah, you can always try something different. Maybe have him watch you play with yourself? If you'd be comfortable with that, of course. I dunno what man wouldn't enjoy that!

Crystal 3 kids; Hephzibah, Georgia 15558 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting LayLu:" Yeah, you can always try something different. Maybe have him watch you play with yourself? If you'd be comfortable with that, of course. I dunno what man wouldn't enjoy that!"

:!:



I haven't met one yet lol

LayLu (girl); 17 kids; Virginia 4007 posts
21st Feb '13
Quoting Crystal Marie S.:" :!: I haven't met one yet lol"


;)

kentucky momma 19 kids; Corbin, Kentucky 176 posts
21st Feb '13

<blockquote><b>Quoting hiljoys:</b>" Thank you, that actually makes me feel better. I should be happy that it isn't something worse. I think ... [snip!] ... me, then. I know (and he knows) I feel bad about myself a lot.. maybe I need a new outfit or my hair done or something, haha. "</blockquote>



Paint your toenails a fun color, it seems to help me when im feeling blah or down..but im getting almost too round to reach them comfortably for much longer lol