Reply
Home birthers: How did you tell MIL? Shaquanna Anne Due September 14 (girl); 2 kids; Pocahontas, Illinois 667 posts
4th Mar '13

She is a nurse, and is already upset we are not circumcising. However, she is very excited for the baby to come and was invited to attend the birth. I just never told her the birth is taking place in my living room in a birthing pool.



How should I approach her with this? I don't want to keep the info from her, and I am not afraid she will change my mind. I am afraid that she will get offended or angry that we are doing something that she views as unsafe. I have researched it extensively and had no complications with my first and no complications so far with my second. I know that this is something I can do, granted I continue to have a healthy pregnancy.



Again, this isn't something that can be kept secret, and I am not comfortable with the typical advice: "Tell her it's your body, your pregnancy, your baby, your decision. If she can't support you, forget her!" Because I do not agree with that advice. We are going to remind her that there is a difference between approval and support. We do not need her approval, but have appreciated and will continue to appreciate her support.

Boobo&bugs Due September 24; 1 child; Simpsonville, South Carolina 7375 posts
4th Mar '13

I would just tell her. Then list all the reasons why I was doing it the way I was doing it and tell her about my emergency transfer plan. Maybe she won't agree with your choice but she will at least understand why you have chosen it.

human making in progress 2 kids; Port Orchard, Washington 7986 posts
4th Mar '13

to get a nurse to approve of midwife help in the first place I can imagine hard. I dont know how you should go about it other then telling her that you feel this is really important to you and asking if she can assist in the birth. (being a nurse, I think she will feel better about it if she can assist in some way...if you are okay with it)
and tell her you would love her help and support. It could be something that bonds you two, and she may not even realize she may enjoy it...the bonding and beauty of it.

flossy (21wks with #4) Due August 27 (girl); 35 kids; New Zealand 139 posts
5th Mar '13

I had a similar experience with my aunt in law when I told her I was having a water birth. I was told that my baby would drown and it was a very reckless thing to do. I just laughed.
Maybe you could invite you MIL to one of you antenatal appointments so she could ask any questions??

My Brain On Drugs TTC since Sep 2013; 33 kids; Elephant Butte, New Mexico 15758 posts
5th Mar '13

My MIL had 2 c-sections on a Naval Base (it was like a 50% rate of sections there, heinous). She was afraid at first but now she is proud of the way her grandson came into the world--total opposite of the experience she and her sons had. She and FIL did their own research on circumcision and can see what that procedure is now, too.



I think it might be more difficult to sway a nurse than someone who is a receptionist at a medical practice. Your MIL most likely does the same standard medical procedures as she has for years and years, and by now the way doctors do things probably seems correct to her. I just think my MIL sees more bs that is totally not on the up-and-up...like the $50,000 each doctor gets directly from pharmaceutical companies if they sell a certain quota of a certain drug. So it was like...as far as our "alternative" decisions...she kind of knew that there are wrong things about medical practices today. I did not invite her to the birth though, and I would suggest...if you think she would be the least bit stressful...well, just think about it. Obviously, your MIL is a nurse. She could help. Tough call.

Shaquanna Anne Due September 14 (girl); 2 kids; Pocahontas, Illinois 667 posts
5th Mar '13

We are having an unassisted birth (no midwife) but having a doula to help out.
We have an OB and a hospital chosen in case of complications.
Our home birth is Plan A! Plan A does not always go the way you want it to, and I am not against a hospital birth if need be.
She is a nurse in a non-OB area. (People call with questions on burns, bites, etc for quick easy advice and she helps them or tells them to go to the hospital, etc)
She has in the past written us off for eloping because she was upset by it, and I am afraid she will be immature and react that way. I hope she can understand I am choosing this as what's best for me and my family, not to be selfish!

1inpink2inblue Switzerland 11961 posts
5th Mar '13

Idk. Whay would you assune she is against it?. All the nurses I know personly would have loved to see a home birth and doesn't thibk they are unsafe

Jennybananna 2 kids; Gilbert, AZ, United States 25079 posts
5th Mar '13

Invite her to lunch or something say as the birth gets closer I just wanted to cover some things with you. Then tell her what you're doing and why you choose that. Then say something like I know you may not agree with our choice but your support is very important to us and I would like if that could continue.

Shaquanna Anne Due September 14 (girl); 2 kids; Pocahontas, Illinois 667 posts
5th Mar '13
Quoting 1inpink2inblue:" Idk. Whay would you assune she is against it?. All the nurses I know personly would have loved to see a home birth and doesn't thibk they are unsafe"


To put it simply: I know my mother in law.

human making in progress 2 kids; Port Orchard, Washington 7986 posts
5th Mar '13
Quoting Shaquanna Anne:" We are having an unassisted birth (no midwife) but having a doula to help out. We have an OB and a hospital ... [snip!] ... and react that way. I hope she can understand I am choosing this as what's best for me and my family, not to be selfish!"


I hope you can figure this out OP. I personally could never do an at home birth, but I admire those who can/try. same with epidurals. lol.
my ob is amazing and I trust her with my life and my child's life. She is against c-sections and has the lowest rate of them in the ob office (theres only one ob office within 30 miles of us.) so I got lucky but if I was in an area where c-sections were the norm, I would probably try at least a home birth.

Shaquanna Anne Due September 14 (girl); 2 kids; Pocahontas, Illinois 667 posts
5th Mar '13
Quoting human making in progress:" I hope you can figure this out OP. I personally could never do an at home birth, but I admire those ... [snip!] ... of us.) so I got lucky but if I was in an area where c-sections were the norm, I would probably try at least a home birth. "


It's not that I don't trust doctors, or midwives, I just think that birth isn't as complicated or scary as some women think it is. For some: absolutely! But for me? Nope.



I'm telling her Wednesday, hopefully, as we have dinner with them weekly Wed nights. It needs done before she hears it through the grapevine. (I'm very vocal on Facebook about my parenting, pregnancy and birth views!)

human making in progress 2 kids; Port Orchard, Washington 7986 posts
5th Mar '13
Quoting Shaquanna Anne:" It's not that I don't trust doctors, or midwives, I just think that birth isn't as complicated or scary ... [snip!] ... done before she hears it through the grapevine. (I'm very vocal on Facebook about my parenting, pregnancy and birth views!)"


weekly dinners with your inlaws? that will help smooth over I think, with the time you have until your birth you guys will have plenty of time to go over it and talk about it, hopefully for her to come along and see it from your point of view.

White Chocolate Milk 1 child; Chelsea, Alabama 12303 posts
5th Mar '13

I would just put it on the table. Tell her you have done your research, and you feel that this is the best way to go for your birth. Let her know that you have an OB and hospital in case anything happens to go wrong, and you are not opposed to going to the hospital if need it becomes medically necessary. Let her know that the decision has been made, but you would really appreciate having her support and have her there for the birth.

Shaquanna Anne Due September 14 (girl); 2 kids; Pocahontas, Illinois 667 posts
5th Mar '13
Quoting human making in progress:" weekly dinners with your inlaws? that will help smooth over I think, with the time you have until your ... [snip!] ... will have plenty of time to go over it and talk about it, hopefully for her to come along and see it from your point of view. "


Yeah, we're the only kids who live in town (hubs was born and raised here so we stayed) and hubs' grandfather is in failing health so we all have dinner together to give him company and to spend time with him before he goes. It's been a great way to get to know MIL better because we used to be enemies because she feels her son deserved a wife who did not have a previous child. -_- She is over that now, thank god!

human making in progress 2 kids; Port Orchard, Washington 7986 posts
5th Mar '13
Quoting Shaquanna Anne:" Yeah, we're the only kids who live in town (hubs was born and raised here so we stayed) and hubs' grandfather ... [snip!] ... to be enemies because she feels her son deserved a wife who did not have a previous child. -_- She is over that now, thank god!"


thats good. I never had much problem from my MIL. though we arent exactly close, we arent distant and arent enimies either. my FIL is a real douche though.
but my mil can be pretty amazing at times. my family is in california and cant afford to come up here at all so when I went into labor, not even giving birth (I was in labor for 23 hours!) but in labor she came and stayed with me until I gave birth, and to see her grandbaby, since I couldnt have my mom there.
my mom and I arent exactly close, but it was the sweetest thing ever.