Reply
I need help noneyabidness Japan 3 posts
12th Mar '13

I am such a horrible person I feel like. I have 2 sons, my first of which is not my SO's. He has always been a very difficult child(much more so than the average child) from birth. I feel so detached from him, he gets in trouble all the time. I don't think it's a psychological thing, because he is great with other kids, just the nicest kid. But when we're at home, he is the meanest boy to his little brother and simply does not care about the rules. Just terrible. Honestly, there's no other way to put it. And I feel so detached from him. I honestly feel like I wish I had just given him up for adoption when he was born. I know that sounds so terrible, trust me I KNOW. I feel horrible just for thinking it, but these thoughts just keep entering my mind. He flat out refuses to obey, and he is old enough to understand my threats, and yet still disobeys, so he is in time-out almost all day long every day. I feel like I really wish I could give him up for adoption now, but I know I would regret it every day and I know that would just be "giving up" on him, and my family would never forgive me and I'd never forgive myself either. I just want him to behave and don't know what on earth else I can do to correct his behavior. He knows the consequences and still can not go 5 minutes without disobeying. I'm dead serious. I don't feel the bond with him like I do my other son, and I so wish I did. Idk what's wrong with me, I can't afford to go to a doctor, so that's really out of the question.



I guess I really needed to vent, and I could REALLY use any helpful advice. I know I'm probably going to be judged, I already expect that, but what would actually help is any advice and if anyone else has ever felt like this may help me cope as well. Because I'm already judging myself enough as it is, trust me, and I know what I would think about somebody saying this. I know I'm awful and horrible and terrible, please, spare me. What I NEED is opinions and advice on what I should do from here, not opinions on how horrible you think I am. This is about my son, not me, I know that. So for his sake, please help me to feel more connected with him and to build some kind of bond. It's so hard when he completely disrespects me ALL the time.

Brookie99 1 child; Fort McMurray, Alberta 1126 posts
12th Mar '13

You say he's nice to other kids but mean to his brother then go on to say that you have no bond with him but you do with your other son. That's the problem not him, kids are smarter than they are given credit for and they can tell when parents play favorites. Poor kid probably just acting out for attention.

mama1821 Due July 2 (girl); 2 kids; Tacoma, Washington 1265 posts
12th Mar '13

First of all, im not going to judge you but i am going to give you my opinion straight up. Children can often sense what the parents are feeling. He probably needs more love and attention from you and this is exactly why he is lashing out and getting into trouble every 5 minutes. By him getting into trouble, he is getting some form of attention from you so in his mind negative attention is better than no attention at all. What you need to do is remember that you are his mother and think back to how you felt when you were pregnant with him. He loves you and deserves that love equally back. You need to set aside some one on one time with him at least start out with 5-10 minutes a day. do something with him, read a book, watch his favorite cartoon cuddle and talk to him about it, take a walk, play a game, something. then you need to constantly remember how this child would really feel if he knew how you really felt. You did not get this way overnight and your not going to fix it overnight but I can guarantee you with more positive attention, you can easier fix his desire for negative attention. If you have anymore questions or want any more of my advice, let me know, i will be happy to give you my insight. btw i have two sons and i am with the younger ones father, i know how things are different but its not the childs fault and that has to be remembered at all times. my oldest son has severe adhd and we have spent lots of money on family counseling and one on one counseling so im not just pulling this info out of my hat!

noneyabidness Japan 3 posts
12th Mar '13
Quoting Brookie99:" You say he's nice to other kids but mean to his brother then go on to say that you have no bond with ... [snip!] ... than they are given credit for and they can tell when parents play favorites. Poor kid probably just acting out for attention."

I know he's not the problem. I know it's me, but idk how to create that bond. Idk why I feel like this towards him. I wish I didn't feel like this.

noneyabidness Japan 3 posts
12th Mar '13
Quoting mama1821:" First of all, im not going to judge you but i am going to give you my opinion straight up. Children can ... [snip!] ... and we have spent lots of money on family counseling and one on one counseling so im not just pulling this info out of my hat!"


Thank you. I think this advice really will help, and I have tried doing little things with him, going and hanging out in his room with him without his brother so that he feels special and I don't have to worry about him getting in trouble by being around his brother. I still have a hard time, a lot of the time I just feel annoyed by him. I try my hardest not to let it show, I really do, and I really don't want to feel this way towards him, he's a child and doesn't deserve how I feel. I feel like he deserves better than me, but at the same time, I keep thinking maybe something will change and things will get better. But most days I just want to give up trying. I feel like the sh*ttiest mom ever, and I know I sound like it. But thank you for not judging me, I sincerely appreciate your words of advice.

mama1821 Due July 2 (girl); 2 kids; Tacoma, Washington 1265 posts
12th Mar '13
Quoting noneyabidness:" Thank you. I think this advice really will help, and I have tried doing little things with him, going ... [snip!] ... sh*ttiest mom ever, and I know I sound like it. But thank you for not judging me, I sincerely appreciate your words of advice."


first build your bond with older brother, then work on the two brothers together, you'll need to get creative and do things they both can do like painting or water balloons, coloring, story time, movie time and build the unit bond between all three of you next. your oldest will act better on his own i bet. he is jealous of his brother, that is why he is mean to him. he feels and sees what is going on, dont forget that. good luck. you can do this. your feeling this way about your son because you hate his father but remember your son is not his father he is your son!!!

CafeRed Colorado 1 posts
13th Mar '13

There are things we all can do better as parents. There is no perfect mom or dad. We do the best we can, but we all fall short. You've gotten some great advice here on this thread, and the fact that you've been open and honest, seeking advice and support, shows us that you love your son and care very much about his well-being. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there!